Tay waited, and waited. He had made up his mind. He was greedy. New had broken from the stress he had placed on him. Tonight would be all for him. Whatever he needed, whatever he wanted, he would give him. He would take nothing. Only give.
Still, time passed. New never came out of the bathroom. He could hear the water running. Did something bad happen? Should he check? It was his turn to gnaw on his lip. It swelled as he came close to drawing blood.
As time drew close to an hour that he was in there, Tay's control snapped. New NEVER spent that long in the bath. NEVER!
Throwing the duvet off, he dashed to the bathroom and knocked on the door. "New? Are you alright?" Receiving no answer, he opened the door.
His heart plummeted to the bottom of his stomach. New was curled up in a tiny ball, shivering under the cold water, with blue lips and great, gasping sobs shook his body. Careless of his clothes, he pulled him from the cold water.
"Oh babe, what's wrong?" Tay whispered, gently wrapping him in a towel. He sat on the floor, holding him tightly, rocking as if he was a child.
New tried desperately to regain control, to stop the sobbing. He couldn't. His throat was raw. His eyes hurt. He was so cold but he knew he wasn't in control either. He shook his head and buried his head into Tay's warmth and cried even harder.
Why did being comforted make him cry even more? I'm so pathetic! He moaned, as Tay rocked him. "I'm so pathetic."
"No, you're not. You're strong and brave. You're beautiful. You're the man I love." Tay tightened his hold. "Everyone cries sometimes, Newwie." Oh fuck! What did I say wrong?
New pulled free of his hold, his body stiffening, so ashamed for saying his thoughts aloud. Wiping his face with the back of his hand, he squared his shoulder and keeping his gaze low, "I'm better now." Slowly, stiffly, he forced himself to stand.
Also standing, Tay reached out and held his hand, holding New in place. "Let's get you into bed before you get sick." He gently tipped his chin up, forcing him to look him in the eye. "But please, can we talk tonight?"
"I don't know..." New turned and tugged his hand free. "I'll think about it."
Tay watched him leave, sadness in his heart. Why won't you trust me? What do I have to do to earn it?
New was tucked into bed by the time he got back, which was good. His lips were starting to turn nicely pink. His eyes were so sad, the smile Tay had quickly fell. Tay realized that for the first time, since he had arrived, there was music playing softly in the background.
He paused to listen to the lyrics and his heart cracked even more. What was he feeling? What was he trying to tell him that it was this song? Why was he playing it on repeat?
He crawled into bed next to him and pulled him back into a tight hug. "New, I won't make you do anything you don't want to. But I really don't understand unless you help me too." He dropped light kisses on the top of his head. "Please help me." He fought back tears, knowing it wouldn't help for both of them to be crying.
"Shh..." barely above a whisper, limp in his arms, "Just listen. I need this right now."
English was something Tay struggled with, but the song on repeat helped, so did the simplicity of the song.
Come on, baby, dry your eyes
Wipe your tears
Never like to see you cry
Won't you please forgive me?
I wouldn't ever try to hurt you
I just needed someone to hold me
To fill the void while you were gone
To fill this space of emptiness
(Chorus) I'm only human
Of flesh and blood I'm made
Human
Born to make mistakes
So many nights I longed to hold you
So many times I looked and saw your face
Nothing could change the way I feel
No-one else could ever take your place
(Chorus)
I am just a man
Please forgive me
The tears I cry aren't tears of pain
They're only to hide my guilt and shame
I forgive you now I ask the same of you
While we were apart I was human too
I'm only human
Of flesh and blood I'm made
I am just a man
Human
Born to make mistakes
(Song Title: I'm Only Human by Uman, released in 1999 - if you've never heard it, check it out)
Still, Tay wondered, was Newwie asking for HIS forgiveness or was HE to do the forgiving? For him, there was nothing TO forgive! Instead, in his eyes, New had given him only gifts, only love.
Why couldn't New see their relationship the way he did? Now, Tay was even more confused than before.
New's trembling slowed and stopped, his breathing became even. It didn't take long before he drifted off to sleep. Tay soon followed, leaving the song playing, only pausing to plug New's phone in.
Once again, Tay was abruptly woken by thrashing and screaming. Startled, he turned on the light but was amazed to find New still sleeping soundly. How could he still be asleep? What could he be dreaming of, that scared him so badly.
Do you wake someone with nightmares? He did not know, but he did know he wasn't going to look at New being a walking zombie for another day come morning. Gently, he shook him awake.
New let out a blood curdling scream, positive that he was being touched by complete strangers out to kill him. His worst nightmare come to life. He couldn't see Tay at all, trapped in a living hell that Tay awoke him from.
"Don't fucking touch me!" His voice, still raspy from the crying earlier, sounded harsh. "You evil fucking freaks, don't you dare fucking touch me!"
Tay dropped him, as if burnt. The glazed look in his eyes, the tone of the voice, this wasn't HIS New at all! What the fuck was going on? What the hell did New dream of?
Using a coaxing voice, Tay tried again. "Newwie, it's me, Tay. You're in my bed. You're here with me. It's okay you're safe."
"Don't you fucking lie to me, asshole! You don't look nothing like Tay!" New had both fists balled and ready to fight. "Just... Just leave me alone!" He backed up, and kept backing up until he fell off the bed.
Tay gasped in shock, watching as he fell, terrified, that he would hit his head or worse! Quickly, he scrambled out of bed and ran to the other side where New was sitting, rubbing his sore butt.
"What happened?" He gave a puzzled look up at Tay. "I was having a nightmare and now I'm on the floor..."
Tay bent down, relief flooding his body, almost making him weak in his limbs. "Here, let me help you up." Once standing, he patted a surprised New down, checking him over for any bruises or cuts. "Thank god." Then he collapsed on the bed and started to cry from relief.
"Tay?" New was confused. Why is he crying when I had the nightmare?
Tay only shook his head. He needed to release this tension first. Like he told New earlier, it was okay for men to cry sometimes. This was his time to cry. Finally, he wiped his face and sighed. "New, I need a beer."
"Tay? I don't understand..."
"I'll talk if you do. Otherwise, lemme drink my beer and we'll go back to bed."
"Ah... are the two things related?"
"I always knew you were a smart man, New." He glanced over and sighed. "Can we turn that song off now?"
He nodded. "It didn't work. I dreamed anyways.
"Fuck, New, stop calling them dreams. Those aren't dreams. They're god damn nightmares." Tay stomped from the bedroom, leaving New to deal with his phone.
Just maybe, maybe, it was time. New sat back on the bed and hung his head. Every fiber of his body hurt and not in a good way. In the beginning, well, why was he doing this again in his mind? Letting out a weird noise, he stood up. It was time to take his doctor's advice!
It was time to stop letting his fears rule his life!
He walked into the common area and very hesitantly, "Tay?"
From his favorite drinking spot, on the floor near the fridge but not too close, all New got in response was "Hmm?" It was enough for him to track and find.
There were already two empty cans on the floor and a third in his hand. This time, the sad eyes belonged to Tay. He drew in several deep breaths and then sighed. "I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing now, Newwie. I'm really scared."
Newwie sat down beside him, cross legged, and grabbed the can of beer. It wasn't a great idea to drink but sometimes, it did help to loosen his tongue. Right now, he could use all the courage he could get.
"I don't know where to start." He admitted helplessly. "I DO overthink things. A lot. But it gets even worse when I get scared. They never stop, the thoughts. Sometimes, it gets so bad I can't breath. So I went to see a doctor."
He put the can down on the floor and stared at it. It was empty but seriously, it wasn't a good idea to drink so much after the nightmare. Logically, he knew this. Emotionally, he knew he wouldn't finish telling Tay his past without the magical balm of alcohol.
Sighing, "Do you have another?" Surprised, Tay reached into the fridge and silently passed him a beer. New hadn't drank once with him the whole time he'd been here, although he had offered. New popped it open, took a sip and sighed. "Nothing like a cold beer, is there?"
He scooted back to lean against a cupboard and glanced at Tay. "Are you comfortable? It's a bit of a long story, I'm afraid." He held up the beer. "Need to keep my sore throat lubricated." His lips twisted at the pun, but Tay didn't even respond, other than to grab a beer for himself.