"Hi. Hindi ko alam anong sasabihin. Hindi ko nga alam kung mapapakinggan mo 'to. I mean... I don't remember you brought your old phone when you're about to leave that day so I didn't bother. I left your phone in your house, hoping you retrieve it yourself and hear this... " A heavy and quivering sigh. "Anyways, I miss you. I'm still waiting, Angelov."
A short beep followed before the next speaking memory filled the room.
"They all claimed you're dead. I told them the news lies. The fact that I can still call this number and leave you voice mails made me believe so... come back to me, to us, please. Naghihintay pa rin ako. Bumalik ka na..." mangiyak-ngiyak kong pakiusap.
Beep.
"Where are you? Are you even listening to this? Do you even hear me, Angelov? Nasaan ka na? Are you really gone? I don't think so. I could feel it. I could see you everywhere! Call me back , please. I won't change my number. Call me your baby girl again, please..."
Beep.
"Hindi ko na kaya! Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin," iyak ko at tila wala nang ibang pagsusumbungan. "I... I'm going to get married tomorrow. Please, pigilan mo! Pigilan mo! Pigilan mo..." umaalong iyak ko.
My cries on the saved voicemail dragged a bit longer until the usual beep cut it.
"Hi, it's been a long time. I haven't called because... they sent me to rehab," my voice was cold and callous in here. "Tito Evrard paid for the expenses and Quentin, visits me often. They said I've gone mad. Crazy. I see things I shouldn't be seeing. They placed me under suicide watch. Sana nga hindi na nila ako pinigilan. I won't go to heaven if I kill myself because... well," a breathless and weak chuckle, "for sure you're not in heaven if you're really dead."
I don't even recognize my own voice. In its coldness, it just doesn't sound like me. It's like everything in me has been stripped away only leaving my bones beneath the melting skin.
"I'm just probably bored, pero hindi naman sa naiisip kita tuwing bored ako. I'm just wondering... do they have phone calls in hell? Are you partying with the sexy devils? Have you finally proved that God exists? How was He when you met Him? How did you feel? Did He already threw you out before you could have even met Him? Or Peter did? Did you meet your Mom?"
Kumunot ang noo ko nang maalala ang voicemail na ito noong naglasing ako. Figures, I sounded drunk in here.
After the short beep, the long pause that took over comprised my subtle breathing morphed into an exhausted, hopeless sigh.
"I have no words. But can you hear my deafening hope in that moment of silence? Umaasa pa rin na sasagutin mo ang tawag na ito at maririnig ko ulit ang boses mo. Kahit siguro buntong hininga mo na lang ayos na sa 'kin."
Beep.
"Hi. Someone wants to talk to you... Hello, Daddy! It's our birthday today. We miss you! But I miss you more. Come back home na. And oh! Mommy said you know Spanish so I asked my school to put me in Spanish class. You should learn French too! I'm fluent in it but I guess it's easier if we speak in Filipino or in English. Anyways, I'm going back to my party. I have so many gifts! But it's better if you're here... Bye bye! I love you..."
Beep.
"Shh.... Mommy doesn't know I'm calling. Are you there, Daddy? You never called us back. Please call us back, I will be waiting beside Mommy's phone."
Nakakunot ang noo ko, napatulala na wala akong kaide-ideya na nagamit ito ni Dorcas noon. How was she able to locate my old phone when I was hiding it?
"Daddy...." sumisinghot si Dorcas. Humihikbi. "I hate, Sal. I don't want to believe what he said because I trust Mommy's words more. Hindi ka na ba talaga babalik? Where are you ba kasi? I miss you, Daddy. But Mommy misses you the most cause she's always crying. I don't know how to make her happy anymore."
I stared at the phone stock-still, rendered of words from my daughter's message. Tila muling pinunit ang dibdib ko para iluwa ang nanghihinang puso. Sa mga segundong ito ay nasisigurado ko nang tama ang pinili kong desisiyon hindi lamang para sa aking sarili. What I've been trying to focus my mind on for the past years seem to reduced to being a waste of time now that I realize that my heartbreak and long drawn grief has never been healthy more so to my children whose emotional well-being are at stake!
Lagi akong nangangapa ng kakampi para sa aking paniniwala, pero sino ang nandiyan para dumamay sa mga anak ko? Yes, there was Mama, Tito Evrard and Quentin, but who my children should be in need of the most is their mother! Me.
And I admit to have failed in that part. This is why starting today, in my full consent, I should allow myself to heal... little by little.
"Every Saturday night, Mommy always asked us what are we most grateful for for the whole week and I always thank the both of you for giving me a pretty face. Mommy laughs at me and said, No, sweetie, God gave that pretty face to you. I said no, 'cause I don't look like God. I look half-Mommy and half you, Dad. And-- " Dorcas gasped. "Mommy's here. I 'll call again, Dad. Love you!"
Beep.
Napasinghap ako, hinahagap pa sa isip ang alingawngaw ng huling voicemail gawa ng anak ko. The rest got deleted but I knew it in my mind the number of calls I made which equalled to a thousand voicemails in seven years....
Seven years. Hindi ko man lang namalayan na lumipas na pala. Sa pagiging abala ko sa mga bata at sunod sunod na photo shoots mula Manila at sa ibang panig ng mundo, nawaglit sa isip ko ang pagbibilang sa mga araw at taon.
Instead of the years that has passed, I looked forward at the project deadlines and our kids' schedules for their summer class.
Napabuntong hininga muli ako, tinititigan ang lumang cellphone. It's been a long while since I left a voicemail. Not a single one was returned.
Hindi na rin naman ako umasa pero... sa huling pagkakataon....
I pressed a default key for his old number. It still rings, my heart leapt for that overused but simple possibility. Fixed gaze on the same cream walls of my room at each ticking seconds of listening to the endless ringing on the other line. My every breath morphed into hope that in any second, the dire waiting will be ended by the sound of his hello.
But then, it's the same automated voice all over again telling me to leave a message. I could literally hear the whole weight of loaded void sinking into my gut.
"Hi..." I chuckled after a minute long hesitation."It's been a crazy year. I'm barely aware of the last time I tried to reach you. I... " Huminga ako nang malalim. Hinahaplos ang nanghahapding dibdib. "Alam mo na rin naman siguro ang nangyari. Did you scare the shit out of the Silvestres? Were you in a hunt for their dark souls? Funny when I tried to be a better person but I still rejoice at my every sight of their fears. The way they suffer the horrors of their own crimes, satiates the hunger of my vengeance. Ikaw na ang bahala sa kanila tutal sa 'yo sila may atraso. I can only yearn for the worst, triple the suffering they have inflicted on you."
I paused, I could hardly bear the palpable ache in my chest. Mabagal ang paghinga ko taliwas sa mabilis na dagundong ng aking puso habang dinadama ang unti-unting pagtahan ng hapdi at poot para palitan lang muli ng nakakasakal na pangungulila.
"What more can I say? Hmm... yeah. This would be my last call. My plans after? I'm going to take care of our kids, spend time with them, love them better and... try to love myself more. I'm also going back to therapy. Actually I have an appointment later in the afternoon." I chuckled. "There's really no need to tell you this, right? 'Di ba babanatayan mo naman ako? Kami? You're watching, I just don't know if it's from above or below. But wherever you are, my love, I miss you always. But ... this will be the last time. And I'm looking forward for that one day... One day, Angelov. I will meet you again soon. In another life. Wait for me...."
Beep.
After endless series of photoshoots for the past four consecutive weeks, I finally took a break back in Manila. Pero hindi ko rin naman gaanong maitatawag na break iyon dahil sumisingit pa rin ang trabaho. Just like yesterday, I did a shoot again with one of the famous bands in the country in which I didn't resist since I've become a huge fan of them.
At sa magkakasunod na mga biyahe, naiiwan ko ulit ang mga bata kay Mama. She requested for a leave to be with the kids and they stayed together in Mamita's mansion in Dalaguete, the house I am currently residing in. The situation may have been in favor of them. but at the back of my mind, I also knew that I really need to lay off some time from work just to be able to spend more time with my family.
Mula rito, gumigiit ang pangamba sa isip ko: Ayaw kong isipin na kaya ako bumabawi sa kanila, lalo na kay Sal, ay para ibsan ang pagsisisi mula sa pagkakamali ko noon. I am highly aware it doesn't work that way, and it terribly alarms my peace of my mind that this is probably what consists of my intentions when it shouldn't be!
"Pakiramdam ko mali ang ginagawa ko. I can't control my sentiment which resulted my actions but at the same time I... I love my children. That should only be the reason! Not because I am guilty. It gets terrifying when I'm always reminded of what my intent should be. Ayoko ko sa nararamdaman kong mali. Ayoko sa mga naiisip ko..."
"Mrs. Silvestre, you are fine. You are doing okay..."
Umiling ako kay Dr. Cecile. I contacted her back from France after ghosting when I left for Cebu. She's used to my language so I didn't bother to spell it out to her. She understands me.
"I don't want to become like her. I don't want to do good things just to compensate for my cruelty back then, to ease the guilt or feel good about myself. That's selfishness, right?"
Natataranta na ako sa harap niya. Halos hindi nakakahinga dahil sa kaba dahil lamang sa bigat ng iniisip ko. But sometimes when I vent my anger to her, or to my past therapists, or even to anyone, naiibsan ang bigat ng loob ko. But still, it never swayed my negative thoughts. They can only calm down but they always come back stronger. I could never keep them at bay!
"Do you have anything to prescribe me to get rid of these thoughts?" I asked her, desperate.
"No, D. The fact that you acknowledge these thoughts where you become terrified that you might have inflicted them pain, and that you might have fell short of the love you ought to offer to them, it only shows how loving of a mother you are. You never failed to mention about doing it for them and never for you, it says a lot about you. You who wanted to become better for your children."
It takes a lot to be a better person. But it takes a whole damn world to be a better mother.
At iyon ang naging palubang loob ko. Maybe I was just overthinking. I used to always doubt myself, and as a usual habit back then, I might have brought it with me as I come of age.
Yet, at the end of the day, those were the memories I could never take lightly. I will perpetually endure the nightmare of my ill-actions, no matter how it was unintentional or an accident, or because I suffered depression after giving birth. There's just no excuse for what I did to Sal and I could never forgive myself for it.
Though, I often considered a thought that crosses my mind that the only way to redeem myself, the only way for the rest of the world--including myself--to forgive me is just to... end me.
But no. I can't! Sa tuwing ganoon ang nangyayari ay lagi kong hinihigit ang isip kong ukitin ang mukha ng mga anak ko para paaalahanan ang sarili ko. Nawalan na nga sila ng ama, ipagkakait ko pa sa kanila ang inang kailangan nila? They are just kids! What was I thinking? They don't deserve an added loss! No kid should deserve it. No one!
Sa pangatlong araw pa lamang ng aking break ay hindi ko na napigilan at bumalik din ng Cebu dahil sa pagka-miss ko sa kanila. And besides, I also thought of doing something new and exciting as another way to bond.
"I want to wear my pink tutu skirt, Mommy, then you will take a huuuuge portrait of me. But I want to have my own shot first," demand agad ni Dorcas kakatapos ko pa lang mag-set up ng mini studio sa bahay.
"But how 'bout our photo together with matching clothes?" Si Sal na mukhang na-offend sa demand ng kapatid.
Dorcas huffed and rolled her eyes cutely in the ceiling, "I said me first, Sal, a solo shot, then you, then us together in one frame. Get it?"
"Tama na iyan. O sige, Dorcas, ikaw mauna," sabi ko habang inaayos na ang anggulong camera at itinutok na sa kanila.
"But I want my tutu skirt!" She stomped her foot as she complained.
"Nasaan na? Bakit hindi mo pa suot?"
She pouted. "I don't know.. I can't find it."
Nagkakamot na si Sal sa ulo at nakakunot noo. "Just wear any skirt. It doesn't matter."
"It matters! " Dorcas cried. "You're wearing a tux while I'm wearing pajamas? No way! I should wear my tutu skirt!"
"It's fine..." hinahong sabi ni Sal at nilapitan ang nakaupo na sa sahig na kapatid. Dorcas sulked and hugged her knees. Tinabihan siya ni Sal at inakbayan para tahanin. "We'll find your tutu skirt. I'll help you."
I fixed a careful gaze at them, making sure they maintained the position as I slowly focus my eyes on the lens. I took this precious opportunity to capture the image. Nakaisang shot lang ako dahil sa flash ng camera at ang tunog ng click, nag-angat na sila ng tingin. Umiiyak agad sa pagrereklamo si Dorcas.
"Mommy naman, e! I still don't have my tutu skirt!"
I sighed. I actually don't deny that this daughter of mine can sometimes be a drama queen.
So for the first ten minutes, we spent it on looking for her tutu skirt. Si Sal ang nakakita na nakasiksik lang pala roon sa bag ng kapatid niya. Ngayon ay nagduda na ako kung hinanap ba talaga ni Dorcas 'to kanina o dinahilan lang na hindi mahanap.
"I remembered you put it in your bag when we went to Nana Meow's for the weekend," ani pa ni Sal.
Naibalik ang sigla ng bata nang masuot na ang gustong skirt kaya magaganda ang naging resulta ng portraits niya. Her smile, most of all reminded me of myself when I was just her age. Sa tuwing ngumingiti, parang nawawala ang kanyang mata. Her hair, now I doubt if she got it from me since they're a bit curly now that it's longer just like Mama's.
But what I really find cute the most was every time I tap her nose. Nilulukot niya nang sadya ang kanyang ilong sa tuwing tinatapik ko ng aking daliri, sinasakyan ang pakikipaglaro ko.
Dorcas' solo shots are mostly bright and cheerful, if I could describe it in a song, they all sounded like an upbeat bubblegum pop. As opposed to her brother's who isn't so fond of smiling infront of the camera. Dalawang shots lang yata niya ang nakangiti siya. My favorite, though, was when he did a shy and suppressed smile, almost a smirk, while his dark eyes were looking sideways, half-teasing and as if he knew a funny secret he has no plans of telling anyone.
Those spark in his eyes, the prominence of his cheekbones... Somehow, a flashback of his father's face in that same expression almost made me stop. Iniling ko ang aking ulo para idiin ang tutok ng diwa ko sa kasalukuyan.
I took more shots of them together before I pulled out my phone and used it this time to capture. Nang makita nila ang ginawa ko ay agad silang tumakbo palapit sa akin at tumatalon talon para silipin ang kuha ko sa phone. I sat on my haunches so I could level to their heights. Nagsikit ang ulo namin habang sabay naming sinusuri ang mga shots.
"O, tayo naman.!"
Hindi sila umangal at nag-pose agad nang hinarap ko sa amin ang camera para sa selfie. I took several shots and we agreed on the final three photos to post in my social media.
In my years in the public industry, I never posted anything that relates to my private life. In my personal account, my feed consists only of my favorite editorial shots from celebrities to models I worked with, and travel shots as well outside the country. Walang niisang bahid ng tungkol sa pribadong buhay ko o kahit mukha ko mismo.
But for some reason, I feel confident and positive about sharing a piece of my personal life for the first time. Tila ba lahat ng takot at mga inhibisyon ko noon ay bigla-biglang nilisan ako dahilan ng biglaan ding pagpapasya ko ngayon. I'm not quite sure what sets it off but so far, I like how it feels.
For going through a recurring depression since the loss along with the unhealed traumas prior and the unrewarded hopes, I make it a point to not waste any chance of embracing rare thoughts of optimism to reward myself at least of happy moments. Katulad na lang ngayon na magaan ang pakiramdam ko at tila ba kuntento. Like a burden has just been removed out of my chest.
"Are you sure it's okay for you if I post this in the public? With your faces on it?" I asked them.
I want to always make sure they don't feel uncomfortable. Kahit papaano ay may karapatan pa rin naman ang mga bata na humindi dahil pribadong buhay rin naman nila ito. In the end, they still have the right to privacy.
"Of course, Mommy. I love my face in there," si Dorcas.
"Yeah, it's fine." Sal shrugged.
Three photos, where I was in the middle and they both kissed my cheeks in the first slide. Agad kong napansin ang lawak ng ngiti ko. Nobody switch places, only poses. So for the second photo, Dorcas' hands were on her cheeks as she dons her charming smile. Nasa harap ko naman si Sal, halos nakaupo sa hita ko at nakasandal sa akin.
The third one became one of my favorites even when I lost my poise in here. It's just that I caught the raw happiness I thought I was never going to experience again. Dorcas, without warning, suddenly hugged me from the side and squeezed my neck with her arms wrapping around it. Halos matumba ako, kaya kita ang gulat sa akin habang natatawa.
Kita sa litrato na parang sinasalo ko si Sal sa higpit ng kapit ko sa kanya mula sa may panunulak na yakap ni Dorcas. In the same position infront of me, his nose was scunching up, staring at the camera with his piercing eyes as if trying to scare but instead, it only came out cute.
Hindi man lang nagtapos ang araw ay binaha na ng notifications ang post ko. I was smiling through and through while reading the comments of my friends from showbiz and some were from college.
Evrose91: My favorite twins! Miss you!
IamCherlock: Hot Momma! Nanganak pa ng kambal iyan, a. Ang gaganda at guwapo, mana sa ninang!
theofficialSorchiadeMurchia: Cuties! Your baby girl looks a lot like you. Very charming.! And your boy is super guwapo! He's gonna break hearts someday.
TheOneRocafuerte: Naks! Nag twins reveal na.
SkyRivero: Beautiful family <3
CharlieFiero: Teka lang...
CharlieFiero: Sam!!! DM!
YDeGrecia: <3 <3 <3
Nahuli ng kuryosidad ko ang tatlong komento na hindi ko na naabala pang basahin ang mga nasa ibaba. Kumunot ang noo, pinindot ko ang pangalan ni Charlie para makumpirma at siya nga ito. Matagal na palang naka-follow sa akin. Hindi ko akalain na sa ganitong paraan pa talaga niya malalaman at parang ginulat ko pa nga yata siya.
I know what he's shocked about, lalo na siguro kung makita niya sa personal.
But I wonder how he felt when he found out about the news of what was done to Angelov. Ang sama ko na hindi ko siya nakumusta ukol doon. He's one of those who grieved terribly for his bestfriend so to find out that ...
Anyways, I sent a short Hi to him in direct message . Kung makikipagkita siya ay hindi ko rin tatanggihan, or one of these days, I might visit their restaurant here in Cebu to catch up somehow.
Sunod na huminto ang tingin ko sa pangalan na bago sa aking paningin.
Y de Grecia? Isn't this the same person who's holding an exhibit this year? I have to check the inviation again 'cause I forgot when is it. Pero parang hindi ko rin naman dadaluhan. I still have to verify if it coincides with my schedule.
But why does this person seemed to know me? I mean, I don't think the three red hearts comment should be a big deal, right? Siguro ay kinikilala na niya ang mga hinatiran niya ng imbitasyon para sa exhibit upang magpabango. It still boils down to business after all.
The remainder of the days I have before jumping back to the hectic weeks has been spent with my kids. They are starting their summer classes. Dorcas begged for ballet, and Sal chose piano lessons. Minsan, sinasama ko siya sa iilang photo shoots na rito lang ginaganap sa Cebu dahil gusto rin daw nitong matutunan ang ginagawa ko.
"Mommy, I'll bring that for you."
Medyo ikinabigla ko ang pag-agaw ni Sal sa tripod na ikinarga ko sa trunk ng sasakyan. We just arrived from a commercial shoot held in one of the famous resorts. Sa pagod ko ay hindi na ako nakaangal.
"Thanks, baby," I smiled weakly, a bit exhausted.
Sa kabila nga lang ng pagod ay hirap akong makaidlip. I thought about the photographs I need to sort, edit, plus the emails from clients asking for a quote. Nawala ang antok ko sa mga iniisip kaya nanatili akong gising ng hatinggabi.
At the middle of replying an email, i received a notification from Cher, requesting to accept the videocall. She stayed in Manila. Aside from her actual job, she also does some of my errands for me like meeting the clients firsthand a week before the shoot.We don't usually resort to this type of communication unless it's urgent and work-related.
"Yes?" I connected my earphones, iniiwasang magambala ang mga bata sa ingay kahit nasa mini-office na ako.
"You didn't finish this? Ito iyong kinukulit sa akin noon ng pinsan ko!"
Hindi ako nakaimik sa kakaibang bungad niya. And here I thought he's calling about work.
Nanatiling dikit ang mga kilay ko hanggang sa mabasa niya ang tanong at pagtataka roon. I honestly don't know what she's talking about.
She rolled her eyes eventually and showed me a thick heap of paper. She peeled one page from the bundle and read a few lines from it.
"Oh!" Tumawa ako nang matanto ang linyang binasa niya."Where did you find it? Ang tagal na niyan. And I never printed it, Cher."
"I did. You sent me files in the email and it just so happened that this manuscript contains it. Namali ka yata ng lagay ng folder."
I slapped a hand on my forehead upon realizing my mistake. Wala naman talagang kaso sa akin kung mabasa niya iyon dahil ganoon din naman si Sydney noon. But I was young, sad and heartbroken. I can only imagine the cringe parts I wrote in there!
"Throw it. It's trash," I said dismissively.
"Trash? Then why still keep it?"
Nagbuntong hininga ako at halos matigil sa ginagawa. "I already forgot about it alright? But now that you remind me, ito na, ide-delete ko na ang file."
"Amiga!" She moaned in protest. "Don't you dare. Finish the story!"
Nag-ingay ang papel nang winagayway niya sa harap ng screen.
"For what? And Cher, bata pa ako niyan. I don't care about it anymore. Besides, it's not the best out there. So I'd rather not--" I swallowed and shook my head. "Finishing it no longer serves me. No one wants to read that anymore."
Nanlaki ang mga mata niyang pinaliligiran pa ng makakapal na pilikmata. "Anong tawag mo sa 'kin, lamok? D, we care about this, please! Sydney has read this, too. And some people..."
Umiling ako at sinubukang mag-focus sa ine-edit na litrato. Kailangan ko rin palang i-update ang website ko. I've been busy lately so I have to put some new stuff in my site in parallel to what I have been working on.
I let silence filled us for a moment except the sound of my keys as I continue working. Hindi ko na tuloy masyadong natutukan ang pinag-uusapan namin ni dahilan ng pagtawag na niya sa buong pangalan ko. Hindi talaga 'to tumitigil hangga't hindi ako nakukumbinse ano?
"You really still have that low opinion of yourself."
This time, her words begged me to stop. It's been so long since I've encountered that thought seeing that lately, what I've mostly centralized my intentions aside from career was on healing, family and self-love. Kaya naman hangga't sa maaari, anumang negatibong sumisingit sa isip ko ay agad kong tinatakwil.
Yet, I still get flashes of memory where I was reminded of how I used to invite the pain.
And now, that low opinion of myself? I'd be lying if I say it never happened again. I still do have the notion that I am not good enough, but unlike before, it doesn't make it past me anymore. It used to crush me, destroy or even had killed me at some point. Now, it just burns. A slight burn that I can just easily sooth with a mild blow of hope.
"Masaya na ako sa ginagawa ko, Cher. Kaya wala na akong balak balikan pa iyan." I smiled.
It's true, though. I'm already content with my job.
But Cher still looked upset. "Won't you atleast give it a try? At least... for the last time? I felt this, amiga. Your heart, you poured it all over here!" may gigil niyang giit. "I could feel it!"
A heart filled with resentment, bitterness and grief, that was the kind of heart she was talking about.
Mapait akong napangiti. Somehow I am grateful for her encouragement but, I guess it's too late? This is the kind of uplifting I needed way back when I wasn't capable enough of it myself. When I was extremely down and in the deep. At my lowest low. Pero ngayong meron na ulit ang nag-uudyok sa akin, parang huli na dahil ayaw ko na. I wasn't as passionate about it as how I was before.
But there was one. Aside from coping up from his tragedy, I've also been struggling to cope from her loss.
"Do you know the last person who've read it, Cher?" I'm trying not to show my tears as I smiled. "Sydney. She believed in me, that I could make it. But she's gone, so I stopped."
"Kaya nga nandito ako..." pilit pa niya, parang naiiyak. "To tell you honestly, I already believe in you even before we met since my cousin just couldn't stop talking about this and so highly of you. I could feel your passion..."
Umiling ako. "Nowadays, people don't care about passion anymore, Cher. Kaya kahit ano pang buong puso kong gigil diyan, hindi rin papatok. And besides, I tried submitting that before and it only got rejected. They chose the rather famous one. So if I were you, itatapon ko na iyan."
"Just because this story isn't celebrated enough, it already means trash. It's not! At saka hindi mo rin naman kasi pina-publish kaya nga nandito ako, tutulungan kita!"
"I don't know, Cher. Wala na talaga akong gana para diyan, e."
At sa totoo lang, may bahagi sa akin na ayaw na ring umasa. I still hope, but I always catch myself to lead my thoughts into ending all hope. When I've been hoping all my life as I work hard on this dream only to still end up in the land of the unknown.
Hope becomes a dangerous thing when unfulfilled.
Natahimik si Cher, who was once a Chester Faeldon. A sudden concern landed on her bright face. A similar concern I always see in her cousin.
"Tell me the truth, D. Do you still feel insecure about it? Naalala mo pa rin ba ang mga sinasabi sa 'yo ng Lola Graciella mo? That woman really did a number on you, huh? No offense but, I just... maybe I could help?"
I offered her an appreciative smile. This is why I shouldn't take this life for granted anymore because of people like her who is always there when I was on my lowest lows.
I remember Graciella's repulsion on my dreams. Not that it affected the discouragement, but at some point it occured to me that she might be right. It was her opinion and at that time, I refused to accept it because it hurts.
"Maybe? Pakiramdam ko hindi naman talaga nawawala iyon. The insecurity will always shadow behind me..." But I won't let it precede me.
One thing I learned over the years is that insecurities will always be there. Some of them never dies, just asleep. Awaken by certain moments. Mistakes may have realized and we rectify them. Sins may have redeemed, and we learned from them. Lessons may have been learned and we grow through them, but even with all of these maturities, even if we improve and better ourselves, the imperfections will always be present. The maturity may have been on how we treat people, respect boundaries, valuing more of our worth but in the end, we still have it in us the insecurity. It's just up to us on how we live with it either we let it motivate us to do better and outshine the doubts that used to swallow us whole, or allow the sense of defeat to conquer.
It never goes away.
It's like when you continue to live despite your wounds. You continue to thrive carrying your scars from the past that used to leave you bleeding. When you endure to live with the nightmares to remind you that you survived, and the greatest way to live is when you do it with that love in yourself, and then sharing it to others.
"Is this not your dream anymore? Sayang talaga, e..." halata nga ang panghihinayang sa boses niya.
Tuluyan na akong natigil sa ginagawa at hindi na mabilang ang buntong hiningang nagawa mula sa usapan na ito. I never thought I'll have this conversation again. The last time I did, I thought about death. My death.
"Pangarap ko pa rin naman pero natatabunan na ng mga priorities ko. I still hope for it, to be honest. I still think about the what-ifs. What if I pursued it? But I need to make up for my kids, Cher. The call of responsibility is louder than the demands of my ancient hopes."
Maybe someday, our unfulfilled dreams would turn shallow as we realize that they are not really the dreams we shouldn't have fought for. We may ask ourselves, why did I even pray for it in the first place? In time, it will make sense once our hearts would ease its chaos as we found acceptance and contentment.
I closed my editing software and caught her exaggerated sigh.
"Fine," pagsuko niya. "But just givethis one more try. Hindi na kita kukulitin after, promise. Kahit for the sake of finishing the story, please? Kahit ano pa ang tingin mo sa sarili mo ngayon, tapusin mo 'to. Kaunti na lang, o! And... this is inspired from Elle Nadeinna's case. At least do it for her, D. Like a tribute. Also for me and Sydney..."
Huminga ako nang malalim at pinalobo ang pisngi. Nagkatitigan kami sa screen. Punong-puno siya ng pagmamakaawa. I remembered how I set this promise in a stone to never get back into writing again. Funny when you don't want it anymore, saka naman lalapit. Funny when I have already given up, it shows up again like an old lover asking for another chance.
"One last time, Amiga. For closure? I promise. Hindi na natin babanggitin ang tungkol dito kahit kailan!"
With my lungs inflated already filled with air, I closed my eyes tight, my lips thinned.
"Fine." I exhaled.
Tumili siya habang napapapalakpak. Naalala pa ang huling eksena, kumuha ako ng papel at isinulat ang wakas na naisip ko.
Epilogue
I met you with death in my mind, a war in my soul...
And I saw him.... every details of his face appeared in slow sketches inside my mind. Naalala ko muli ang pag-usbong ng ngiti niya habang dinudugtungan bawat salita patungo sa hantungan.
His eyes, his smiles... the words he said without a sound, the words he spoke to me on those lazy afternoons.
Ang halakhak niya habang hinihila ako sa kawalan sa gitna ng nagpapaalam na hapon. Ang boses niya nang tinawag ako at pinalapit upang tumalon kami nang sabay sa dulo ng talampas ng parola. My joyous screams as I jumped, the splash of water and his laughters. His arms around me to pull me closer as I wasn't of a swimmer.
He held me that way in the water... my feet kicking under, and yet I stayed because he is holding my waist to keep me, to keep us together in a single ground...
But what caught my eye was the ink in your bones...
An endless trace of roses on golden skin.
All it takes was I to embrace your thorns for us to begin...
Ang wakas ay ang pagbabalik tanaw sa isang alaala ng una nilang pagkikita. She stares at him in full curiosity. He stares back a little bit longer before a smile creeps on his sinful lips as if he knew that his life was about to change.
The End.
Pumatak ang luha ko. The word End scattered along with its blank ink fading on the sides, tila ba binubura iyon kaya halos hindi na mabasa.
Sniffing, I faxed the handwritten ending to Cher. Hindi ko siya matitigan nang diretso dahil baka maiiyak lang ako lalo.
"I knew this is more than just an inspiration from Elle Nadeinna's case."
I sniffed and looked up. Malungkot niya akong ningitian.
"I'm proud of you, D," she said.
I remembered the same words Sydney told me before her last breath as she held my hand ever so tight.
I woke up the next day in a lighter mood. Kahit madaling araw nang natapos ang pag-uusap namin ni Cher at dagdagan pa ng mga kailangan kong tapusin sa trabaho, sa hindi malamang dahilan ay mas magaan itong pakiramdam ko ngayon kaysa sa mga nagdaang araw.
Hinatid ko ang mga bata sa summer classes nila. Mas malayo nga lang kay Dorcas dahil sa downtown pa ang academy habang sa piano class naman ni Sal, ay kilala ni Mama ang tutor na naging classmate pa nga yata niya noong college kaya malapit-lapit lang din sa subdivision.
Inaamin ko na hanggang ngayon, nag-aadjust pa rin ako sa kanila. Dorcas, because of the new environment and Sal being elusive to people.
Naalala ko noong isang buwan, babalik na sana kaming France na kasama si Sal ngunit nagmakaawa si Dorcas na dito na siya mag-aaral, na siyang pabor naman sa kapatid niya na rito na rin nakapagsimula. Pero sinubukan kong siyasatin ang saloobin niya tungkol sa pagbabalik sa isang aktwal na klase kasama ang kambal ngunit siya na mismo ang nagpasya na tapusin ang natitirang taon niya sa homeschooling.
I thought maybe he wasn't ready. At the same moment, I knew that the next time I asked him about re-joining the classroom setting, I shouldn't tolerate it once he declines. Natatakot ako para sa kanya na hindi masyadong nakikihalubilo sa mga tao taliwas sa kambal niyang mabilis mabagot kapag walang kausap. Dorcas has always been a chatterbox. On the other hand, Salvatore seems to enjoy it more when he's alone.
"Mommy, what is Dad like?"
Kumunot ang noo ko isang hapon sa bahay at kararating lang mula sa pagsundo ko sa kanila. I was preparing our dinner when Dorcas suddenly came to me and blurted this question.
"He's a beautiful man," I simply said, smiling.
"Is he tall?"
Hindi ko na napigilan at nilingon siya, naaliw sa kanyang taong. "He was. Why do you ask, sweetie?"
Nahuli ko ang pagsilay ng ngiti niya bago yumuko at umiling, tila ba nahihiya.
Now I am more intrigued. I couldn't help the escape of curiosity as I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Dorcas, why are you asking?" Rinig ang ngiti sa tono ko.
"Nothing," malambing niyang sabi. "I'm drawing him. I just want to make sure that I got it right."
Pinigilan ko ang hindi maluha nang wala sa sariling ngumiti ako.
"He's going to love it for sure," I told her.
Lumawak ang ngiti niya nang tumango at nang hindi nagsasalita.
Tinanaw ko ang papalapit sa aming si Sal na iimbitahan ko na sanang maupo na para sa haounan. Ang pumigil sa akin ay ang nagdidilim na niyang mukha at nakatitig nang mariin sa kapatid niya. Bago pa ako makatanong o ang pigilan siya, hinaklit niya ang drawing ni Dorcas at pinagpupunit-punit.
"Salvatore!" sita ko sa kanya.
"Daddy is dead! He's not coming back!" Sigaw niya habang namumuo ang kanyang kamao. "We have Tito Quentin. Mommy married him so he's our daddy now. Stop dreaming, Dorcas!"
Nagulat ako sa mga pinagsisigawan niya na huli ko nang namamalayan kung gaano kalaking epekto nito kay Dorcas. She's sensitive when it comes to her father and this is the only subject that gets her to cry easily.
"It's not true!" Dorcas yelled right at her brother's face. "You're lying! Mommy, he's lying... Daddy is not dead..." umaalon ang iyak niya at sa isang iglap, ang suot na sapatos ay hinubad at binato sa kapatid niya. Tumama ang sapatos sa balikat nito at sa lakas ay napaatras si Sal.
"Dorcas! That's enough. You don't do that to your brother."
I was about to pick her up and bring her to her room but she stomped her foot once and faced me. Punong puno ng luha ang mga mata niya at nalulukot ang mukha sa patuloy na pag-iyak.
"It's not true!" Mas malakas niyang isinigaw sa akin. "Daddy's not dead. I saw him, Mommy. I saw him!" She cried.
Ice grew hands to grip and kept me as its new prisoner. Natahimik kaming lahat, kahit na si Sal na mukhang nagulat pero ang mga hikbi at iyak ni Dorcas ay hindi tumigil.
Parang mapupunit ang dibdib ko sa puso kong gustong kumawala sa nag-iigting na galit at kaba. I'm trying, trying so hard not to scream back at my daughter but I can't, for the life of me. I just couldn't make light of this joke!
"Hindi magandang biro iyan, Dorcas!"
Her cries went louder as she turned her back to me and ran to her room. Naigtad ako at marahang napapikit sa padabog na pagkakasara niya ng pinto. I even heard it click, indicating she's locking it.
Nanghihina akong napaupo, sapo ang ulo. My whole face heated at the mere echo of her claims. Alam ko naman na hindi maiiwasang may makakapagpaalala sa amin sa kanya. But this one is just too much!
At naiinis ako sa sarili kong ginagapangan ng pag-asa mula sa sinabi ng anak ko. When I knew she was only saying it because of terrible longing. I've been there and I knew how it felt. Naiintindihan ko rin ang nararamdaman niya ngayon.
Me and Sal help ourselves with dinner in peace. Hinayaan ko muna si Dorcas sa silid niya na magpalamig ng ulo hanggang sa tumahan siya. Hindi ako napapakali habang kumakain kaya pagkatapos agad ng aming hapunan, kinatok ko na ang silid niya.
"Dorcas, this is Mommy. Can I come in please, baby?"
No response on my end. I strained my ears, expecting to hear her fainting sobs but I heard nothing at all.
Ilang beses pa akong kumatok at tawag sa kanya dahilan para mapalabas si Sal sa kanyang silid. He looked guilty from what happened but I always assure him it wasn't his fault at the same time told him to never trigger her sister like that again.
"Dorcas, open the door, please. Mommy wants to talk."
Wala pa rin. Nagkatinginan kami ni Sal, parehong nagtataka at sa pinakalilim, kabado.
A dull void sets in my chest as I gather the spare key of her room. Nanginig ang kamay kong sinaksak ang susi at nang binuksan ang pinto, bumungad sa amin ang walang laman na silid.
"Dorcas?"
I looked around and confirmed that she's not here. Si Sal naman ay hinahanap na siya sa ilalim ng higaan, sa closet at kahit sa banyo.
"You found her?" I asked after he looked inside the bathroom.
"No. Her pink bag is not here, too."
I gasped and dug for my phone, ready to call someone. Nanginginig ang singhap ko at nag-iinit ang sulok ng mga mata nang makita sa screen ang pagtawag ni Quentin. I was quick to answer it as I have no choice and I told him about the situation.
"D, look. I'm on way in there--"
"Quentin, si Dorcas," I blurted.
"What? What happened?"
"She's not in her room. She's not here..." My voice quivered at the onset of my sobs.