Alondra's already on the ice when I get there. I don't think I even want to know what time she got up because it's four thirty and I'm early for our usual time. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless to talk to her.
Coop and Dylan yesterday told me how big of an idiot I am and I couldn't even disagree with them.
Al walking in on me and Becca yesterday was pretty much the worst possible timing ever. When I shut my door it must not have latched or some shit like that. I was more preoccupied with other things than making sure my door was actually shut.
In my fucking defense, it was the first time I'd gotten laid in weeks. I can only fuck my hand so much before it gets pathetic. As much as an asshole it might make me, she offered and I thought it'd be a good stress reliever.
How was I supposed to know that Al was going to come over to study when she hasn't spoken to me since she told me to leave her alone? Can't forget the comment about her not being my girlfriend or my problem to fix either.
I mean what the hell?
Those are mixed messages if I'd ever heard of them.
I lace up my skates quickly, making sure they're tight. She's coming around the corner when I step onto the ice and wait for her.
We skate a few laps together as I try to work up the nerve of what I'm going to say because where do I start? Grady, yesterday, me and Al? Is there a me and Al still? Can we go back to before she saw me hooking up with some girl and before she told me more about Grady?
Do I say that it makes me sick to think about how Grady treated her? That I want to hurt him like he hurt her? How he acted towards her the other night to try and scare her? He's a coward. A fucking coward that needs to hit someone half his size to feel good about himself.
I shouldn't have left her side. Peyton said there was nothing I could have done that would have changed the outcome. He would have approached anyway if Al were right next to me and it would have gone even worse. She's probably right.
"I'm sorry for bailing. It wasn't cool of me."
I whip my head to look at her so quickly I almost lose my balance. "You don't need to apologize."
"I do. I pretty much ignored you for four and a half days and you didn't deserve that." Al says, leaving no room for argument. "I was embarrassed and I'm sorry Jack."
"You don't need to be embarrassed. I should have been there for you. I'd also like to clarify that you're not some problem I feel like fixing. I spend time with you because I enjoy being around you."
And I do. The last couple of days drove me crazy because there were so many times where something would happen and my first thought was 'I can't wait to tell Al that.' I love being around her and I want to help protect her like I couldn't protect Momma.
Alondra glides to a short stop. "You can't be there for me every second of every day. I need a friend, not a body guard."
I turn to face her in the middle of the rink. "I don't want to be a body guard for you. I do worry, probably a lot more than I should but it's because I don't want to see you hurt. I was afraid when I got Ruby's text saying some guy was with you."
I was still chatting with Kane about how his season's going and my heart stopped when I read that something was wrong with Al and some guy.
"I'm sorry."
"Please stop apologizing Al. It's not your fault that Grady can't take no for an answer. It's really not."
Her beautiful haunted eyes blink quickly and when I see the tears forming, my stomach drops. I thought seeing her with Grady was terrible, but this is worse. I move closer to her, lifting my hand slowly to brush a falling one away.
Al's cold hand rests on top of mine, holding it in place. "I need you to stop thinking it's your fault too," She says quietly and I swallow the lump in my throat. It's somehow exactly what I needed to hear.
"I'm sorry for what he did to you—I shouldn't have made you tell me about it."
She closes her eyes, shutting them tightly. "I'm pretty sure that Grady was drinking at your house. That's why he was so open about everything. He's got too much on the line now. Grady won't risk hurting me again."
"Alcohol is not an excuse."
"I know," Alondra sucks in a shallow breath before skating backwards from me. I take that as my cue that she's done talking about the 'incident'. At least she doesn't say that it doesn't fucking matter again. "Promise I'll wait to hear from you next time before I come over."
"That's bullshit. You're welcome anytime." I reply quickly. "Just because I'm an idiot and forgot to make sure my door was shut doesn't mean you can't come over whenever."
"Well forgive me, but I'd prefer not to see that show again." Her cheeks are flaming red and it's cute. Cute? Jesus. Maybe I am whipped like Seth said after Al went to get her beer.
I force an awkward chuckle, "Don't worry about that. There won't be a repeat."
To my relief, she laughs. "What? She found out that you kiss like a two?"
"Don't worry, I fuck like a ten so it makes up for it." I wink at her, desperate to make her laugh again. I love being able to joke around with her and I just want our relationship to return to what it was.
Alondra cheeks stay red and shakes her head at me. Not a laugh, but I do feel like the weight on my chest is a little bit lighter. "Oh? Then why won't there be a repeat?"
"You know I don't do girlfriends. Besides, Becca wasn't too happy that I left and chased after you."
That much was obvious after she pretty much yelled at me in front of Coop and Dylan. They were busy trying not to laugh the entire time and after Becca finally stormed out, they lost it.
"I do know and for some reason that doesn't surprise me she wasn't happy with you. Girls don't take too kindly to that kind of stuff." She glances away and skates forward leaving me no choice but to follow her.
"Well obviously I wouldn't do that if it were anyone else who walked in."
"I didn't walk in, you didn't shut the door." Al retorts quickly.
"I know Al. I'm just saying that if it were someone else I would have ya know...finished."
Oh fuck. Did I really just say that?
Her raised eyebrows tells me that I did.
Mother fucker.
"Glad to hear I'm so important you put off finishing to chase after me."
I run my hand through my hair as I try to keep up with her. "I didn't mean it like that. It was purely transactional!" Yeah. That didn't sound any better.
"Just stop because you're only digging yourself a deeper hole." Alondra says, skating faster and I see the same concentration on her face that's there every time she gets ready to do a jump. I hang back and watch her in awe because it never gets easier to see. I've spent more than half my life on skates and could never propel myself into the air like that.
Granted, I can go quite fast and focus on chasing a tiny puck, but I don't have the grace it takes to figure skate that she has.
I can't figure her out. I know girls are confusing and all, but normally I can at least semi get an understanding of her mood.
If anything, it seems like she's kind of upset about me and Becca. Not that there is a me and Becca.
Or maybe she's not and I'm just looking for something to be there.
I run my hand through my hair again and I'm sure it's sticking up in all kinds of directions.
What the hell am I doing?
"Al?"
She spins to turn to face me with a small smile on her face. It makes my chest feel all warm and fuzzy to see it. "I really don't want to talk about you and Becky anymore. How'd your game go?"
She knows Becky isn't her name. I snort and shake my head, "Bad. Didn't have my new good luck charm there." I played like shit and that's because for once in my life I was more focused on a girl than I was about the game. I was pissed. Coach wasn't happy we only won by one and I didn't get a single shot past the goalie. We've got a week before regular season starts and the practices have been hell.
"Maybe I'll be at the next one."
"You better be."
Al offers me a full blown smile and I don't hesitate before returning it. "Catch me if you can."
I give her a five second head start before I take off after her. Al's hair is a dark blur whipping behind her and this time I don't play chase. I've done enough of it the last few days.
She glances over her shoulder quickly to note where I am and slows down seeing how close I am. I come to a sharp stop to fold Al's body into mine. My head rests on top of hers and I hold on tightly.
"I missed you." My voice comes out shaky and low. I don't even care because she hugs me back too. There's a lot I don't seem to care about anymore when it comes to Al.
"I missed you too."
I close my eyes and breathe in the smell of strawberries. It's gotta be coming from her shampoo. "Don't shut me out like that again, okay?"
Al's head nods against my chest and I don't let go. I lost track of how long we stood there like that, but I do know it wasn't long enough.
*********
I flop down on the couch next to Dylan who is playing Call of Duty. Ruby must be out with her friends. She hates the video games. He only gets them out when there isn't a shot in hell of her seeing it. Dude's more whipped than I am but at least he's actually in a relationship.
"Did you fix your mess?"
I give him a side glance and pull the pillow over my head. "Fuck you. She's talking to me again at least." We didn't talk about Al at practice because duh, her father is our coach. This is the first time I've seen him all day.
"Nuhuh, fuck you. Al is perfect for you, but you're too busy fucking around to see it."
"She's a friend."
"So you both keep insisting but nobody is buying it."
"You don't need to buy it. That's all it is."
Dylan kills an enemy in the game, "Sure Jack."
"I don't do girlfriends."
He pauses it to turn to look at me. "You're an idiot. So you're telling me that you're not attracted to her at all?"
"Well fuck yeah I'm attracted to her. Al's hot as hell and pretty much the best person I know, but she deserves better than me man." I roll my eyes annoyed that we're even having this conversation. I mean the amount of times I've jacked off to the idea of what I think she'd sound and feel like when I'm sliding into her is embarrassing. I'd never fucking admit that to anyone though.
"If you're not going to start dating her, then don't fucking do anything with Al other than be her friend. She's friends with the rest of us and we all really like her. I wanna say that she couldn't do better than you but that's for you to figure out." He says matter of factly. I have to give him some credit for having the balls to say it in the first place.
I sit there stunned because I haven't even considered the idea of dating Al. Maybe that makes me the idiot Dylan thinks I am, but dating anyone? It's not an option. It's never been an option.
Maybe it was after seeing my sperm donor throw around my momma like she was nothing more than a rag doll for the hundredth time that I decided love didn't exist. That relationships aren't worth the hurt that can come from them.
I still don't think I'm wrong and I'm not going to apologize for it.
Dylan's never said anything about questioning my decision until now.
But the scary thought is that if I think I ever were to break my rule for someone, I could see it being for Al.