COLIN LEFT ME A THREE-PAGE text message apologizing for his behaviour. If I didn't know any better, I'd let it slide. Good thing I did know better, because I really didn't feel comfortable conversing with a person who'd so rudely taken multiple digs at me. And for what it's worth, I didn't read the texts.
I realized soon enough that I had to, though, and that I had to give him the time of day. Of course, if Leah or pretty much anyone could hear my thoughts, they would say I didn't have to. A small part of believed that, but the thing was, I couldn't not try to talk to him. I was wired different, okay, yes, maybe; but it was a good different, in my opinion.
If Colin wanted to apologize and perhaps, change, I would not deny him that. Changing was honestly the best thing he could do. It was what I'd waited six months for August to do, but it'd been twenty-five months, and he still hadn't.
Not that I knew of.
"So, birdwatching?" Nash asked me. I had been lost in my head for the better part of the hour, and missed most of his question-most of the conversation, which I thought was weird.
I wiped down the counter with more force than necessary. "What about birdwatching?"
Nash sighed like he'd had enough of me. "Do you want to go birdwatching?"
Pausing my cleaning to take a peek at him, I answered, "Birdwatching. You want me to go birdwatching."
"No, I'm asking if you want to go birdwatching."
"Why would I want to go birdwatching?"
"Because the park is pretty?"
I squinted. "Was that a question?"
"Was what a question?"
With a scoff, I turned back to the counter. Dina burst through the back door with a huge grin on eir face. "People, people," she greeted rather loudly. Sweet Cube was empty-like, low-key, totally, actually, completely void of customers-but for some reason, all four of us were here. "I won tickets to see T.P.O.T.O.!"
"What's T.P.O.-what's that?"
"The Phantom of the Opera," Terrence answered with a sigh. He was seated in the café, five textbooks laid out in front of him. "Dina is obsessed with The Phantom of the Opera. E's made me see it about eight times this year."
"Well, why didn't you just say 'The Phantom of the Opera'?"
"Because I like it when the suspense builds up." E flicked eir wrist in my direction, shushing me. "Besides, it gave someone an opportunity to take a little break."
Nash carried a small plate of cinnamon rolls over to Terrence's table.
"Anyway, I won the draw, and now I have ... three tickets. Anyone interested?" Terrence parted his lips to speak, but Dina interrupted before he could get a word in. "You are coming with. Don't even try to get out of it."
Terrence shot her a glare before stuffing his mouth with a roll and turning back to his books.
"Well," Nash began, "I've never seen that play. When the showing?"
"It's next week. Apparently, some sort of Easter celebration treat? I don't think they realize that people who celebrate Easter likely won't be able to make the showing, but that could also be the point, I guess. I don't know if that makes sense. Do they gain more?" Dina's eyes widened. "My sibling wants to see it, too, so I might take them along instead."
Terrence's ears perked up. "Is it the one with the tattoo of a goat?"
"No, it's the one with blue hair."
Nash and I shared a look. I slid the rag I'd been using towards him. "Birds hate me," I whispered. "It's true, they do. One time, a Mockingjay tried pecking at me. Chickens are way worse."
"Birds don't hate people, you were probably just ... extra delicious that day."
I took one look at Nash and let out a laugh. "Dude, no. How would the bird have known I tasted good? Can birds even smell things?
He pretended to think hard about it. "Okay, maybe they can't, but there is a reasonable explanation for why the Mockingjay was attracted to you," he told me. "Could be that you had on flashy clothes-birds love colours-or that it wanted to make a nest in your hair-no offence, but birds tend to think wild, bushy, brown things serve as nests, or even trees-"
"Shut up." I punched his shoulder lightly. "You are insulting my appearance. I was not wearing flashy clothes, my hair was not windswept, and I did not taste good. Birds hate me, end of story."
"Fine," he groaned. "What do you suggest?"
"We could hunt crickets."
"I'm not going cricket hunting."
"I'm kidding. I hate insects with a burning passion." The pocket of my jeans began to vibrate. Colin was calling. My face morphed into a frown as I answered the call. "Hey."
"Oh, hi. I didn't think you'd pick up." There was a static filled pause. "Did you get my text?"
"I got your texts."
Another long pause. "Did you ... read it?"
"Colin, you couldn't pay me to read that many words. It's not important to me-it's not like it's gonna help me get my degree faster, or help me discover a cure for AIDS, or stop world hunger, or eliminate cancer, or-"
"Okay, okay, I get it. You can stop now."
"You sure? I have a list...."
"I'm sure you do." He sighed. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I was on edge that night, and a little pissed off, and I took some of that frustration out on you. I'm sorry. I know I'm in the wrong, and I shouldn't expect anything from you, and that I'm not automatically entitled to your time. I understand that, which is why I thought this was necessary. I'll stop trying to get you to go out more."
I'll stop trying to get you to go out more. Who does he think he is? "Actually, I think it's about time we did something together," I found myself saying. "We could go to that restaurant again if you want."
"Lenny ... I don't think that's for the best."
Damn right, he doesn't. "Colin, are you certain? Only a few days left before spring break, remember?"
"Yes." For some reason, I pictured him nodding. "I'm certain."
"Okay." I tried to sound as disappointed as possible. "See you around."
"See you." He hung up. Rude.
"Boy problems?" asked Nash.
"Tell me about it." I opened the message app and scrolled through Colin's texts, speed-reading and failing to assimilate any of the words. The apology was almost as long as my histology report. "I guess I shouldn't call it that, considering the fact that he's older than the both of us, but he acts like a little kid sometimes. I don't mean that in a good way." I pushed off the counter and went around it. Dina had brandished several cups of new beverages we were apparently experimenting with for us to try out. I grabbed two cups and headed for a table next to the glass panes.
Nash simply followed behind me and took a seat on the opposite side. "Hi, lemons."
"Hi, hash brown."
"That was uncalled for," he said, reaching for the less appealing drink. It was a mix of bananas and cinnamon. The people here at ASU seemed to really like cinnamon. Mine was mango flavoured, but I didn't know for certain what it was made of. "So, no birdwatching. How about ... stargazing?"
I arched a brow. "You expect me to look up at the sky-this includes craning my neck at odd angles-and stare at tiny, flickering, luminous balls of gas?"
"Is that so bad?"
"I don't know, I just don't feel up to anything." I shrugged. "Yesterday Piper asked me if ... She asked me if I was attracted to you? I thought it was a really absurd question, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Kinda.
"I feel like everything can somehow be traced back to August, and I'm sorry I talk about him so much, but I can't ... not talk about him." I cupped the cup in my hands to steady myself. "You're an amazing person, Nash, and I think that might be part of the problem. You're very sweet, a little hands-on sometimes, and you're considerate...." The pink and yellow swirls on the surface were oddly captivating all of a sudden. "But I don't think I'm ready to start dating again." Forget that I was on a dating site. "You deserve someone who isn't hung up on someone else. I could never date a person who only ever talked about someone el-"
"You want to know what I like about you, Lenore?"
I nodded, because who wouldn't want to hear someone tell them how amazing they think they are? Also, he called me Lenore. I wasn't going to say no.
"I like that you're not afraid to be honest. I like that you're honest with me. I like that you're smart and ambitious. I also really like the way you interact with people-friends and strangers alike. I like that Kaylee likes you-she thinks you're cool and keeps asking about you. I like your style. I like that you're unapologetic. I like the way you welcome your emotions." He lifted a shoulder. "A lot of people are afraid to feel things. I like how open you are about your family, about your previous relationship ... I like that you're giving yourself a chance to heal from that." Lord knows I need that chance. "I like that you're fun. I like that you're an amazing swimmer ... though you need to up your self-confidence a little bit. I like you. I'll help you through this phase of your life. I want to be there to witness the end result, so yes, I'll help you. I'll listen when I should, I'll give input where necessary ...
"And if for any reason, I have to, I'll wait for you."
I shook my head. "Please don't say-please don't do that," I pleaded. "You are ... you are the kind of gift that keeps on giving, but please, don't wait for me. That's just ... that's so unusual to say; such a big thing to promise, I-"
"Lenny, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that's going to change my mind. It wasn't even a conscious decision. I admit I thought about it, but, I don't know, it just slipped out." He tightened his hold on his cinnamon nonsense. "And maybe I won't wait for you. I don't know what the future holds, Len, but I will help you. I will listen."
"And then I'll feel indebted to you," I muttered. My pretty drink had lost all of its appeal, and I hadn't even tasted it yet. I pushed my chair back. "I'm gonna go."
Nash nodded curtly, clearly disinterested in continuing this conversation further. I was equally as disinterested in continuing the conversation, but for different reasons.
Dina gave me a worried look that I barely caught. I willed a smile to my face to assure eir that everything was fine, but the strained look on eirs only intensified. I probably should've carried my drink along. At least then, I'd be able to convince myself that I wasn't overreacting.
• • •
"YOU DID WHAT?" WAS PIPER'S reaction to me retelling the most awful tale of the century. It was probably a bad idea, but I had to get it off my chest. I wanted her to tell me I'd done nothing wrong, but apparently she thought otherwise. CJ was off putting things in order with her professors before she had to leave, so I couldn't go to her, and as for Leah ... I thought it'd be rude to reach out after weeks of radio silence.
"Please tell me I'm missing something," she said, hands akimbo. "He told you he liked you, then he proceeded to say he'd wait for you, and you told him not to? Like he doesn't know what he's agreeing to? Like he's not the one you've spilled your entire guts to? I'm sorry, I just can't wrap my head around this sudden influx of rubbish information." She pressed a hand to her forehead for added effect. It worked in the sense that it left me feeling like an even bigger screwup. "I blame your ex-boyfriend for all of this. Truly. Because what other reason could you possibly have?"
Piper stopped short right in my line of sight. We were in her on-campus apartment, and I was nestled in the softest mattress I'd had the luxury of sitting on in a while.
"When a person says they'll wait for you, Lenny, that means they're harbouring feelings. Say for some reason you do not reciprocate those feelings, you do not go around telling them you'd rather go out with you ex again!"
"I never said that!" I protested.
"You might as well have." She crossed her arms and jutted out her hip. "You need to not. You really, seriously need to not, because if you keep doing this, you're going to lose him."
I made the mistake of saying, "What if that's what I want?" But in my defense, I thought I'd mumbled it.
"You and I both know that's not what you want. If it was, you wouldn't be here. If it was, you wouldn't care. If it was, you wouldn't be trying so hard." Piper let out a defeated sigh. "What's this about, Lenny?"
"Nothing."
A diamond encrusted ring landed in my lap. "Just so you know, I was aiming for your face." Piper sat next to me, a hand placed gently on my shoulder. "Please talk to me. I know I'm not CJ, but I care about you, too."
Those were the most outrageous words I'd ever heard from her lips.
"Piper, I'm serious."
"Okay. Fine. Be like that." She stood up at once, hands raised in surrender. "I'll be back in an hour."
I pursed my lips and watched her leave. Once the door was firmly shut, albeit a little too loudly, I grabbed my phone and headed straight to Google to get started on my project. Work proved to be the only way I could successfully distract myself from reality, and I intended to fully immerse myself in it.
• • •
WHEN PIPER RETURNED EXACTLY SIXTY minutes later, she had a smile on her face and walked with a spring in her step. Grabbing my hand, she pulled me off the bed and shoved me out the door. I thought it was a rather rude thing to do, considering the fact that we were friends, but I left without argument. What was I going to say to her? Why are you throwing me out?
Anyway, hash brown was at my door, a scowl etched on his face. I had never seen him look so ... angry, was it? Yeah, angry. I'd never seen him with an actual frown on his face. At least not until then, and whippity whoop, it was all thanks to yours truly.
"Hi," I greeted once it sunk in that there was no way I could get in without asking him to move aside.
"You friend came down to find me. She and Dina threatened to have my ass if I didn't go talk to you. I told them you were being immature." His jaw was set and he barely looked at me. "It's too soon. I shouldn't be here. I am ... Piper followed me here. I could've just left after she did-"
"Yes, you could've."
Nash let out a grunt and shouldered the door. "We should probably talk this through."
"No, you're right. It's too soon. Let's stretch it out a little longer." I tried to nudge him aside, but he didn't budge. So much for having a high surface area.
"Lenny, stop." He took hold of my shoulders. "What the hell is going on with you?"
"Nothing," I said through gritted teeth.
"Lenny." His tone was softer now. "Tell me."
"There's nothing to tell."
"Lenore. Talk to me." Nash tried searching my eyes, since they were a window to the soul, but I looked away and shut my eyes. I could feel tears starting to form. He didn't need to see them. "Come on, Lenny." He curled a finger under my chin. "Talk to me."
So I did.
"It's been six years, Nash." I stopped to take a breather. It was a simple sentence, but it carried a lot of weight. Nash's grip on my shoulder loosened, and his hand fell to my upper arm, an inch above my elbow. "I didn't think it would matter to me."
"Lenny," he breathed, "You are so infuriating, you know that?" All I could do was nod. I was pressed to Nash's surprisingly hard chest, the material of his shirt serving its purpose and muffling the sound of my crying. "Do you want to hear one more thing I like about you?"
"Yes," I tried to say, because I thought it'd help me feel better. It came out more like, "Myes," which wasn't a far cry from what it should have been.
He tucked a tendril of hair behind my ear. "I like that you trust me."
It was in that moment that I had the most horrifying epiphany.
"What makes you think I do?" I choked out. A lump had formed in my throat, and my head felt heavy.
"Lenny, you know you do. You're honest with me. Try applying that honesty to yourself, okay?" He tilted my head so he could look me in the eyes. There was no point in turning away now.
"Okay."
Nash lowered his head, and I really, really thought he was going to kiss me, but he proved that he was a man of his word by refraining-if you could call it that.
His lips were mere centimeters away from my own, hovering, teasing. It was a cruel game considering the circumstances, but it was how he wanted it, and I didn't have the energy nor the willpower to stand on the tips of my toes and press my lips to his.
"You're going to be okay, Lenny."
"Okay."
"And you'll get through today."
I blinked. And blurted the words at the tip of my tongue. "I want you to kiss me."
Why, why, why did I say that? My heart was going haywire. I wanted to bang my head on the wall and never stop. I had another epiphany, and this was one I could share. I was a whirlwind of emotions, and as Nash said, I didn't mind revealing the mess that was me. (That was not a hundred percent accurate, by the way.) But I needed to learn to contain that whirlwind, because sometimes, being expressive could be a bad thing. In my case, I couldn't tell if it was.
The corner of Nash's lips tugged upward slightly. "Lenny," was all he was able to get out before I closed the miniscule distance that separated us. If I'd left it to him, he might've made up a rubbish excuse as to why it wasn't appropriate and I couldn't have that.
The kiss was everything they made it out to be. Spectacular, salty, bitter, yet sweet, a juxtaposition of emotions, an eruption of butterflies, a stampede of elephants-
Just when Nash's hand fell below the belt, I broke away, lips tingling, breathing jagged.
"Do you think people can fall in love at any time?" I asked him, ignoring the churning in my stomach, and the way my brain turned to mush when his hands met with my bare skin.
He placed a swift kiss on my forehead. "That's usually how love works, Len."
"So, it's a sudden realization?" I worried my bottom lip between my teeth, unable to ignore the way my heart hammered against my ribcage. "An epiphany?"
"Usually." His lips twitched. "Why?"
"It's about my sister," I said, tongue in cheek. Silence loomed over us. "Could you step aside?"
Nash got out of the way and I unlocked the door and pushed my way into my room. He hesitated at the doorpost for a brief second, contemplating whether or not to follow me in. He did. It was a little awkward.
I tossed my phone aside and stood in the center of the room, looking everywhere but at him. I had no idea what to say, or what to do ... What did you say after kissing a person? 'Leave?'
"I want to ..." I took a deep breath as well as a second to compose myself. "I want to kiss you again. No, that came out wrong. I want you to-"
"I like it when you get flustered."
I flipped my curls over my shoulder. "How can you tell?"
"I just can." He shrugged. "First I want to get something straight. Are you using me to numb the pain?"
I shook my head.
"Are you sure?"
"Have I ever lied to you?" I stalked up to him tentatively, his words ringing in my head. There might have bee the slightest possibility that I was, but I didn't think so. Like I'd said before, I was over August Wilder. There was no pain to numb. The slight tug that kept nipping at my heart only served a wicked reminder of the past, but it was nothing more. Heartbreak anniversaries worked the same way death anniversaries did-at least that's what I thought.
But it didn't make sense for me to openly switch perspectives all of a sudden. I could understand Nash's suspicions.
He kept his eyes trained on me. "I wouldn't know."
"I haven't." Not as far as I could recall. "And I'm not starting now."
"So, you're telling me this has absolutely nothing to do with ... today's date?"
"Yes, I am."
"And I'm supposed to believe that."
I shrugged. "Yeah, basically."
The door swung open behind him, and based on the way things were progressing, it might've been a good thing. Nash's head snapped to the right so fast he had to feel the effects.
"Hey, people," chirped CJ, brandishing about five white plastic bags of heaven knows what. "I bought chipotle."
"Heaven bless you." I beamed, Nash momentarily forgotten.
CJ lowered her hands. "Nuh-uh, they're not for you. Didn't you get the text?"
I was the picture of confusion. "What text?"
She looked between Nash and me. "I see you've been occupied." Her eyes circled back to me. I crossed my arms defensively. "The text on the group chat. We're going to Greek row."
"Why?"
CJ clamped her eyes shut and muttered something incomprehensible. "Lenny Harlow, put on a jacket so we can out of here. I'm leaving tomorrow. We're going to Carter's. It's not that hard to stay in the loop."
Right. Oh. "Yes, of course." Rolling my eyes, I stormed over to my wardrobe to pick a jacket. It wasn't cold out considering it was early April, but Pi Kappa had air conditioning, and the guys liked it on especially at night, so it could get pretty chilly over there.
"You too, Odin. You're coming with."
Nash raised a brow, an amused smile forming on his lips.
I slipped a faded denim jacket over my shoulders and looked to CJ for approval. She gave me a very subtle thumbs up. I could barely see her thumb under all the stuff she was carrying.
"Odin, you carry these. You're a man. Be good for something." She dumped the bags at his feet, not caring if something spilled. "I have to pee. Wait for me outside, or head out if you want. I'll catch up."
Nash glanced at me. "I actually have somewhere to be," he said, but CJ had already disappeared behind the door. I nibbled on my bottom lip. He set the bags on the table with a heavy sigh and dragged his feet (not literally) over to the door. "Have fun tonight."
"I will," I promised.
He cracked a small smile. "Bye, lemons."
With an exaggerated eye roll, I mumbled, "Bye, hash brown."
We hit one thousand reads! I just want to say a huge giant massive thank you for reading this far!
Until next week,
- astro <3