Cardo POV-
It was Saturday. The Saturday of my brother's funeral. I rolled over and stared out the window that sat to the left of my bed. I didn't want to get up. I couldn't. I couldn't endure the finalization that today would bring. My mentor, my brother, my friend, was gone. I was glad that I was alone and that no one would see the tears that were currently clouding my vision.
I thought about all that I could have done differently with my brothers over the years. All the useless fights and head butting that should have never happened. I thought about what I did to Ushar all those years ago and my breath hitched in my throat. Kara said that he forgave me but how could he? I still hadn't forgiven myself. I never would.
I rolled over in my king size bed that I hated. The huge bed just made me feel lonelier with its emptiness. I had plenty of women in it over the years but none that were ever worth asking to stick around. None like Kara. Vicrul was a lucky fucking man and I really hoped he did right by her, especially since he had knocked her up. Or maybe Kylo had knocked her up.
We all knew that it was possible the babies were Kylo's. No one said it out loud though. In the end they would be Vic's no matter what and we'd all pretend that nothing ever happened between Kara and Kylo. We'd be uncles and take care of those little fuckers no matter what. I couldn't wait to hear them running around the halls and torturing the Knights once they were big enough.
I let a tiny smile pull at the corner of my mouth as I climbed out of my bed. Half of my brothers had been lucky in love. Trudgen had found Jane who surprised us all with a hidden brutality yesterday. I had watched her eyes as she stabbed Pryde. She loved it and it scared her that she loved it. I was going to figure out a way for Jane to work with me in the tech part of the Knights. Not on every mission but on ones where we needed a tech in the field. I knew she could do it. She was tougher than the others realized.
I climbed into a cold shower as I thought about Sarah. Kuruk, the lucky fucker, had gotten a hold of Kara's little friend and never let her go. They connected on Kara's birthday when we were at the club. I could see the flirting and little tiny touches since that night. But Sarah had a boyfriend and was a good girl. But as soon as they were splitsville Kuruk moved into town and took up residence in Sarah's heart.
Yup, half of the Knights were basically hitched. Unless you looked at us in our current state. Then it was more like three quarters and I was the odd man out. I was used to it though. I was always the one without a serious girlfriend. I didn't know what it was about me but the girls always went for the others. Even when I met them first once they met the others suddenly I wasn't the one for them. So I stopped trying years ago and resigned myself to one night stands and casual online dating when I felt like it.
Once I was clean I shut the shower off and stepped out, grabbing the first towel I could reach. It just happened to be one the little demon had grabbed me on her shopping trip awhile back. It was a large beach towel with superhero shields all over it. And I loved it. I might not have a girlfriend of my own but I had Kara and she was like a little evil sister to me. And I would have to be there to protect her in case Ushar didn't come back to us.
Getting dressed in my best black slacks and a black sweater I headed to my kitchen and downed a quick cup of the cold brew coffee that I kept in my fridge. I opted to skip breakfast since I figured we'd all end up out to dinner tonight. Plus my stomach was killing me from my nerves. Tossing my cup in the sink I rested with my hands on the edge as I tried to will away the tears that wanted to break free. I couldn't do this today. It was too hard. Who was I going to sit next to? The guys all had someone to hold their hands. Kylo would be alone like me but he didn't give a shit since he was a cold hearted bastard.
With a deep breath I left my apartment and closed the door behind me. I looked to my right as I faced my door and suddenly my feet were carrying me. I stopped at the next door. The last on my side of the hallway. I scanned my hand and the latch opened. I stepped inside and closed the door behind me.
Ap'lek's apartment was cold and empty even though it was filled to the brim with ancient artifacts and weird shit that he had collected over twelve years of being a Knight. I frowned as I stared at the wall that contained the axe the little Demon had given him for Christmas. I frowned at the shelf with the weird shit that I had gotten him.
Ap'lek had a huge bookshelf in his apartment and for some reason he separated the items according to who gave them to him. So everything I had ever given him took up one shelf. And every other Knight had a shelf as well. Kara had an entire bookcase to herself. She was always finding shit to give Ap'lek and he loved every single stupid little thing.
I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. It was empty of all food but had beers and some liquor remaining. Kara must have come and cleaned it out or maybe one of the other girls had. I grabbed a beer and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my sweater as I went back to the living room. I sat down on the couch that faced the book shelves and let out a frustrated sigh as my shoulders shook slightly. I had no idea what we were going to do with everything in this apartment. I couldn't even wrap my head around it.
"Hey."
"Oh, hey." I looked over my shoulder to see Kuruk standing behind me.
"You want me to go?"
"No."
"Okay." Kuruk walked over to the fridge and pulled out a beer before he sank down on the couch next to me.
I was surprised when his hand patted my shoulder and I turned to look at him. He was just as much of a mess as I was. His eyes were puffy and swollen and his nose was red, making him look like Rudolph. We sat silently as we sipped our beers and stared at the floor. I had things I wanted to say but I didn't know how to say them.
"It's not your fault, Cardo." Kuruk sniffed and cleared his throat. "You can't keep beating yourself up over it. Anyone could have fired that first shot. But I have a feeling Pryde already told him that we were coming. Why else would there have been so many fucking people?"
"Maybe."
"And when Kara and I got to the roof, those two guys acted like nothing was going on. There was no way they didn't hear the gunshots from the other levels. They were expecting us."
"I'm so glad she killed that weasel mother fucker." I grunted into my beer as the images from yesterday played in my mind on repeat like they had been since Kara went all psycho on Pryde.
"She's a bad ass bitch. That's for sure." Kuruk chuckled sadly.
"What about Sarah? I can't say I wasn't surprised by what she did. That was amazing. Who knew she had the balls to torture someone?" I smirked and looked to my left at my brother and didn't miss the knowing smile on his face, as he tipped up his beer, that told me he had known what his girl was capable of all along.
Kuruk POV-
"Cupcake, did you pick up my suit from the cleaners?"
"It's in the back of the closet, Buzzard." Sarah called from the bathroom that was attached to our bedroom.
I walked deeper into the closet and sure enough there was my black suit. I never wore the damn thing but Ap'lek had bought it for me. He had bought us all matching suits a long time ago on a mission in Italy. Mine had been hidden deep in my closet for years since I had no functions to wear it too. Sarah had taken it and had it cleaned for me along with one of her black dresses that I had bought her from Chanel.
I picked up the hanger from the rack and walked back to the bed and laid the garment bag down. I reached for the zipper and lost all the courage I had to pull it down. I turned and sat on the bed with my back to the bathroom as I faced the closet. I would probably end up in one of my sweaters and plain slacks. It was too much to wear the suit that my best friend had bought me.
Ap'lek was the Knight I connected to the most. They were all my brothers and all my friends but no one understood me like Ap'lek. At least not until Kara had come around. She got me. She understood that silence was where I was comfortable. She never pushed me to talk more than I wanted to. She didn't make the dumb jokes with me that she did with the others. We just sat and existed together until we got drunk enough to talk about hopes and dreams and travelling.
I owed that little demon so much. I owed her for bringing a new life to the Knights of Ren. And I owed her for bringing my Cupcake into my life. I couldn't believe that not only did I have a live-in girlfriend but that she had agreed to marry me. I had a fiance because Demon was a nosey little cupid always trying to set us Knights up. Lucy had backfired for Ushar but he hadn't been super serious about her anyways. She was just fun for him. And then there was Jane, which was also Kara's doing. Now if she could just find a perfect girl for Cardo we'd be set.
"What are you doing, Buzzard?" Sarah came from around the bed where the bathroom was and walked in front of me as she called me her pet name for me.
"Wow." I smirked sadly and took in my fiance. She was in her sleeveless black dress that went to her mid calf. It was tight and fitted but in a classy Hollywood starlet kind of way, not a slutty work the corner kind of way. Her feet were in the Black Louboutins that I had gotten her for Christmas. When I looked at her neck I saw the necklace that Kylo had gifted her for Christmas. It was a rose gold plaque that said 'Lady Sarah' and it went perfectly with her light pink and smoke eyeshadow. Her ears had small rose gold hoops that I had gotten her for New Year's. She looked absolutely incredible and just full of class. My little Cupcake.
"You okay, Kuruk?"
"I'm fine." I lied. "You look incredible, Cupcake. How do you look so gorgeous on a day like today?"
She fidgeted with the side of her dress. "Do you want me to change?"
"No. That's not what I meant." I reached out and laid my hands on her hips as I pulled her towards me.
Sarah stepped forward and I spread my legs for her to stand between them. I wrapped my arms around her waist and laid my head on her chest. Her arms encircled my shoulders and she held me tight while she ran her nails over the back of my bald head while she pressed her cheek to the top. My perfect girl. So classy and always so put together.
Now that she worked for the First Order she had better hours and better pay. But she didn't pay for shit, not really. I insisted that she take the credit card I had put her name on. She got her hair done, nails done, massages, all of it and put it on my card. I refused to let her pay to pamper herself when it was my job to do it. She fought me on it for like a day and then I made her come so hard that she conceded.
"I can't imagine how hard today is going to be for everyone, especially you my Buzzard."
"Squawk." I huffed a sad laugh at Sarah. After she moved in she found my collection of bird books and was surprised that I actually went bird watching. I liked the raptors and the vultures best. They were dangerous birds and they fascinated me. So Sarah had nicknamed me Buzzard and Ap'lek was the only person that knew about it. She never said it in front of others. But she had slipped up once in front of him. He knew how much I liked birds and so he understood it and never said anything about the nickname.
"Are you going to put your suit on?"
"I don't know if I can. It's too hard."
"Can I pick out something else for you then? You don't have to wear the suit. It is a little fancy for today anyway." Sarah stroked my scalp for a moment before I felt her lips press to my head. "Are the others wearing theirs?"
"I don't know. We didn't talk about it."
"Why don't you wear a sweater and some slacks then?" Sarah pulled away and went into the closet. She pushed through my clothes until she came out with a black sweater with red trim. "Didn't he buy you this for Christmas?"
"Yeah." I stared at the sweater as tears flooded my eyes and my throat closed. "I can't believe he's gone."
"Oh baby." Sarah rushed over to me and tossed the sweater on the bed. "Come here."
I pulled Sarah to me again and let myself cry. I knew I wouldn't let myself in front of the other Knights. I would try my hardest not to at least. But I knew that I could cry in front of Sarah and she would never hold judgement of me.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too, Kuruk." She whispered into my head as she tightened her grip on me.
I don't know how much time passed but eventually I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face again. I pulled on the red and black sweater and the slacks that Sarah had laid out for me. Once I was dressed I went to the kitchen where my Cupcake had made cinnamon buns because of course she did.
"You're going to make me fat." I whined as I picked up one of the sticky buns with cream cheese frosting.
"That's the plan. I got to keep the ladies away from my man." She gave me a strained smile as she plated more that I knew she would take over to Kara and the others. We were all going to meet at Kara's before we left to go over to headquarters. Kylo insisted he would just meet us there. He didn't see the point in heading this way just to turn back and go the direction he came from. I think he just needed the time alone.
"You do know that dad bods are all the rage right now? So if I get a pot belly the ladies are just going to follow me around even more?" I smirked at her and she tried to snatch my cinnamon roll from my hand but I jerked it away from her.
"Butthead." Sarah scoffed and pushed the lid down on her container.
I popped the last bite in my mouth with a smirk and held a hand out for Sarah. I pulled her to me and kissed her with icing covered lips causing her to laugh. And even though it was sad and restrained, because of the day, it still filled me with light and joy.
"Come on. Let's go."
I pulled her along behind me as I locked the apartment behind me. I never used to lock my door but since Thanksgiving we had all taken a lot of extra precautions. Kylo had all our door frames reinforced with some kind of super strong steel. As well as new doors and locks. Because if Sarah hadn't dragged me to Kara's to make up with her for Thanksgiving, Kara would be dead, the twins would be dead, and Sarah and I would be dead since they kicked in my door first and we would have had no warning and I don't carry in my home. And who knows who else they would have killed in Kara's apartment if I hadn't been there to push Kara out of the way and give the other Knights time to react.
We walked hand in hand down the hallway and when we got next to Ap'lek's apartment I stopped. "Cupcake, do you mind if I-"
"Go. I'll be at Kara's."
"I love you." I kissed Sarah's lips and brushed her hair behind her shoulder.
"I love you too, my Knight." Sarah's thumb rubbed my cheek before she turned and finished walking up the hallway.
I nodded to Vicrul when he opened the door to the apartment. And I waited until Sarah was safe and sound inside Kara's before I opened Ap'lek's door. I closed it softly behind me like I would be disturbing someone even though no one was here. When I walked further into the apartment I saw someone was there. Cardo sat alone on the couch that faced Ap'lek's artifacts shelves. I watched his shoulders shake as he sighed and I felt for my brother as he shared my pain.
"Hey." I spoke softly from behind Cardo.
"Oh, hey."
"You want me to go?"
"No."
"Okay." I retrieved a beer from the fridge since I could see that Cardo already had one in his hand. It was early in the day but I wouldn't let my brother drink his grief away alone. I sat down on the couch next to my brother and placed a hand on his shoulder with a firm squeeze. "It's not your fault, Cardo. You can't keep beating yourself up over it. Anyone could have fired that first shot. But I have a feeling Pryde already told Hux that we were coming. Why else would there have been so many fucking people?"
"Maybe."
"And when Kara and I got to the roof, those two guys acted like nothing was going on. There was no way they didn't hear the gunshots from the other levels. They were expecting us."
I had thought about that night every day for the past week. And I was convinced that they had known we were coming. That was the only thing that explained it all. Especially now that we knew it was Hux who got Ushar. He must have thought he was dead or he must have been almost caught when Kara raced back to Ap'lek's body.
"I'm so glad she killed that weasel mother fucker." Cardo grunted into his beer as he slightly shook his head.
"She's a bad ass bitch. That's for sure." I let out a small chuckle
"What about Sarah? I can't say I wasn't surprised by what she did. That was amazing. Who knew she had the balls to torture someone?"
I smiled at Cardo's words. Sarah had shown a side of herself yesterday that no one ever saw. I knew about it because my little sweet cupcake with pink frosting loved her crime shows. It was all she watched. True crime, fake crime, didn't matter, she loved it all. The bloodier the better. Her favorite being serial killer documentaries. And she knew how to hide a body. We'd sit there watching them and she'd tell me what the people did wrong and how to really get away with it. Of course being a Knight I had the knowledge on how to kill and hide a body. And I told her all about it.
Sarah knew almost every kill I had ever done. I told her everything. She loved laying on my chest as I stroked her hair and told her about old missions. And when the story was especially bloody the little minx would straddled my lap and start riding me while making me finish telling her about all the bodies I or my brothers had dismembered. She got off on that shit and it was incredibly sexy.
"Yeah, Sarah's a little more psycho than she lets on." I tipped my head to look at Cardo.
He looked back and nodded. "Makes sense why she likes you so much then. You're a sick fucker in the field. Does she know about how brutal you get?"
"Yup." I nodded and tipped my beer up and drained the bottle.
I stood up from the sofa and took Cardo's empty bottle and headed to the kitchen. Just as I was coming back I heard the door open and I paused. Trudgen stood in the doorway obviously surprised to see me and Cardo. I held the beer in my hand out to him and he stepped forward to take it. I turned and fetched another beer to replace the one I had given Trudgen. He took the beer I gave him and sat down on the other sofa that faced the one Cardo. When I sat back down with my beer no one spoke as we all stared at the floor. There was too much to say to each other and somehow none of it was enough.
Trudgen POV-
"Trudgen, will you let me in? Please."
I stared at the mirror in front of me, at the man that stared back. I was really starting to dislike that fucker. The problem was that the fucker was me. "No, go away."
"Trudgen, you have to let me in. Talk to me. You can't keep locking yourself in there."
"I can do whatever the fuck I want in my own home!" I screamed at Jane even though I knew she didn't deserve it.
"It's my home too, asshole!" Jane screamed back through the bathroom door. "Or do you want me to go back to my real apartment!?"
I jerked the door open and almost ripped it off the hinges. "Careful, Sunshine. You're going to piss me off today and you're going to regret it."
"Yeah what the fuck are you going to do?
"Don't fuck test me right now!"
"I'm not testing you! I 'm trying to get you to talk to me, god damn it!"
"Just go the fuck away! Leave me alone! I don't want to fucking talk to you! If I did I would have already!"
"Fine, asshole!" Jane spun on her heels and stomped away from me.
I watched her ass as it swayed in her black dress that she had put on for Ap'lek's service. She looked amazing and classy. I wanted to pick her up and press her into the wall and do things that might not be appropriate for a day like today. Jane snatched her purse and her peacoat from the couch and headed for the door.
"Where the fuck are you going?!" I stomped after her as she reached for the door knob.
"I'm fucking leaving Trudgen. I can't do this today. I know that I barely knew the man for three months but fuck! How can you be sure a fucking asshole today? I understand that you're in incredible pain and that you're hurting but you don't get to take that shit out on me. I don't deserve it!"
"So you're just going to leave?" I stared at her as she opened the door and turned in the doorway to look at me with anger and hurt in her eyes.
Her voice was a low hiss when she finally spoke. She kept her eyes on the floor but I could hear the tears in her voice. "You just told me to leave you alone and go the fuck away. So that's what I'm doing. Goodbye, Trudgen."
Jane looked up at me and the tears were running down her cheeks. She went into the hallway and snapped the door shut behind her. I was frozen in shock for a few moments. She had actually left. I was such an asshole that I chased away the only person that I actually wanted next to me today. I ran to the door once it hit me and jerked it open. But the hallway was empty and the elevator was already to the bottom floor. I wouldn't be able to catch her.
"Fuck!" I turned around and slammed my door closed as hard as I could.
My chest and shoulders heaved as I took fast heavy breaths and started to hyperventilate. How had everything turned out so bad? How was the man I had known for over a decade, the man who joined the Knights right after me gone? I couldn't wrap my head around it all. I grabbed one of my bar stools and smashed it over the counter. I picked up a second one and did the same. The wood splintered and shattered as I felt nothing but rage at the loss of my brother.
Ap'lek was gone. A man I had known for twelve years. The only person that knew him as long was Kylo. We'd all joined the Knights around the same time. Cardo had joined two years later. Vicrul the next year after that. Kuruk joined eight years ago, four years after me. And then little Ushar had only been a Knight for six years. Half the time for me, Ap'lek and Kylo.
Ushar was an entire other issue. I needed that dumb fucker to wake up. I couldn't lose two brothers. It was bad enough losing the one. But with Ushar in the coma it was like a larger chuck was missing. I knew that he would wake up. I just didn't know how long a nap the fucker would decide to take. It made me angry that he let Hux take him down. How did Ushar not see him coming?
Why hadn't Kara answered Ushar in the first fucking place as soon as Ap'lek was killed. No, she had to get her vengeance and now Ushar might die in a fucking coma because the fucking Demon had to be selfish. She shouldn't have been in the fucking field that day. She was pregnant for fucks sake. How the fuck had Vicrul and Kylo allowed that when she was carrying twins that belonged to one of them?
Cardo firing that fucking shot that let everyone know we were in the fucking warehouse. What the fuck was he thinking? What the fuck was I thinking. I was shot and injured in the shoulder from New Year's. I wasn't at my best that night. None of us should have been there. No matter what happened on New Year's, we shouldn't have gone. And it was Kylo's call that we went. Kylo put us all in the situation that cost us two of our brothers.
I stomped back to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face and looked at the man staring back. I never liked what I saw any more and I tried not to even look in the mirror when I could help it. I was angry all the time. I was angry at everyone. It was all of our faults that Ap'lek had been killed. What happened to Ushar was all of our faults as well.
The reflection that stared at me just made me angrier and angrier. I pulled my fist back and punched the man in the mirror until the glass shattered around me and fell to the floor. My fist had glass embedded in it and I didn't care. I didn't give a shit as blood dripped down onto the counter. I broke. I broke harder than the mirror I just smashed as I fell to my knees and pushed the heels of my hand to my eyes as I tried to push the tears back inside my head but they wouldn't go.
I sat on that bathroom floor and dropped to my ass from my knees and leaned into the wall behind me. I was ashamed of myself, a grown as man, a Knight of Ren sobbing on the floor like a fucking child. I pulled my knees to my chest as I rested my forearms on my knees and hung my head. At least when I stood up I wouldn't be able to see the asshole that I had become.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pulled up Jane's name and hit send. The phone rang but then I heard the ringer in my apartment. I looked over at the nightstand and her phone sat there, still on the charger. I had no idea where she had gone now. I couldn't track her without her phone on her. I wasn't Vicrul who had literally put a tracker bracelet on his girlfriend, well wife now. I couldn't tell Jane that I was sorry for chasing her away and for being an asshole. I knew that she would probably wait for me to leave before she came back for her phone. I pulled up my messages and sent her an apology text that I knew she would get one she came back to our apartment. It wouldn't be good enough but it was a start.
Tucking my phone back in my pocket I hauled myself off of the floor and gripped the edge of the sink. I pulled out my first aid bag and started to pick the glass out of my hand with the tweezers I had. Once I got it all out I washed the cuts and put on some antiseptic before I bandaged my entire right hand. I didn't want today to happen. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up to Ap'lek telling me that I was late for training. I didn't want to bury my brother. But I had no choice.
I dressed quickly and left my apartment to head to Kara's to meet everyone. A part of me told me to just head to the garage and take a separate car to the service and leave everyone behind. But I wanted to be there for my other brothers. I turned right and headed down the hall until I came to Ap'lek's door. I faced the door and leaned my head on it as I brought my fist up. I wanted to punch the door but I didn't have the strength.
Twisting the door handle in my hand I entered Ap'lek's apartment to find some peace and quiet before I went to the loud apartment I knew waited for me at the end of the hall. I closed the door softly behind me but when I got deeper into the apartment I found Cardo and Kuruk already there. Kuruk held a beer out towards me as he stood in the living room. I walked forward and took it before silently sitting on the couch across from Cardo as Kuruk fetched another beer. I didn't know what to say to either of them so I chose to say nothing. It was just too hard.
Vicrul POV-
My little deer sat on the shower floor as her body shook with tears. I knew that there was nothing I could do so I sat on the floor outside of the shower and let her cry it out. I was already showered and in my suit for the day. I didn't give a shit if it wrinkled while I sat there with her. She could take all day and I wouldn't give a shit.
When Kara started to throw up in the shower I stood up. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed her nausea pills and one of her fancy ginger ales. The ones that Ushar had gotten her addicted to. I felt my throat tighten as I looked over at the shelf in the corner. Kara had brought home both Ushar and Ap'lek's helmets and weapons yesterday. Ap'lek's helmet was on a shelf next to his picture and his axe was resting on top of the bookcase. She wanted it mounted on the wall eventually which I would do for her. Ushar's items were on the coffee table for when he woke up. She just wanted them close and ready for him once he was back. And I prayed that he would come back to us everyday. I didn't know what fake deity would listen but I prayed to them all either way.
I set the pills and soda on the nightstand by the bed before I returned to the bathroom. Reaching into the shower I turned off the water. I left the door open as I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Kara as I picked her up off of the floor. I scooped her up and carried her to the bed and laid her down. She didn't resist or fight me in any way. Kara was perfectly still and calm as I laid her down. I twisted the top of the pill bottle and fished two out and she opened her mouth for them. When I handed her the bottle of gingerale she took it and sipped until the pills were gone.
"Thank you, Vic."
"Of course, Little Deer."
Kara looked up at me. "I don't want to go today."
"Okay. I won't make you. And no one will be upset if you don't go."
"Really?"
"Yes, Little Deer. If it's too hard that's okay." I sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed a hand over her back as she hugged her Mando bear. "Do you want me to stay with you?"
"No. You need to go." She sniffed and reached for her ginger ale to take a sip.
I sat silently next to her while she cried and hugged her bear. I didn't know what to do to help her. Sure I had know Ap'lek longer but the bond she had shared with him was unlike anything she had with anyone else. He was her big brother. He had been there for her since the day he met her. Ever the protector.
A knock sounded on the door and I turned to look behind me. "I'll be right back, babe."
Kara nodded and closed her eyes. I stood up from the bed and closed the bedroom door behind me. Kara wasn't dressed and we were expecting the rest of the Knights and their girls soon. With a heavy sigh I made my way to the door and pulled it open. Sarah stood on the other side looking like a Duchess or Princess of some European country. Kuruk was behind her about to go into Ap'lek's apartment. I gave him a nod and let Sarah in before I closed the door behind her.
"You look amazing." I smirked sadly at the blonde girl in front of me.
"Thank you. It's not too much is it?"
"No. It's perfect." I stood awkwardly in front of Sarah since it was only me and her and we'd never really been alone before.
"I brought cinnamon rolls." She held up the container in her hands.
"Kara will love one. I just have to get her out of bed."
"Is she not doing well?" Sarah frowned and set the container on the kitchen counter.
"No." I wanted to make a smart ass comeback but I resisted. Of course Kara wasn't doing well, was anyone actually expecting her to be doing well?
"You should go talk to Kuruk. I'll talk to Kara." Sarah made for the bedroom and before I could say anything she was through the door and closing it behind her.
I stared at the door wanting to go be with my little deer but the look from Kuruk's face haunted me. I slipped on my shoes that were by the door and took a deep breath. When I got to Ap'lek's door I hesitated and considered going to hide at Ushar's instead. But I grew some balls to face my brothers on a day like today and went in.
Not only was Kuruk there but he was next to Cardo. Trudgen was across from them on the other couch. Everyone was drinking which seemed a great idea to me so I grabbed a beer and slowly lowered myself down next to Trudgen. I looked over and his hand was bandaged with blood seeping through the white gauze.
"What happened to your hand?" I kept my eyes on his hand and I didn't look at his face.
"Nothing." Trudgen grunted as he slumped in his seat.
"Hmm." I didn't press my brother but had a feeling his apartment was probably not in the best shape right now. "Where's Jane?"
Trudgen was silent for a moment and I heard him sniff and swallow harshly before clearing his throat. "I don't know."
"How do you not know?" Kuruk asked Trudgen with a frown.
"We may have gotten into a fight." Trudgen replied dryly.
"Why?" Cardo scoffed and shook his head. "The fuck did you do, you dumbass."
"Fuck you, Cardo!" Trudgen roared and went to stand up but I gripped his arm and pulled him back into his seat.
"Sit the fuck down. Not today you two. Not fucking today." I spoke calmly but firmly. Ap'lek had always been our de facto leader when Kylo wasn't around. But when he wasn't there I often took up the role to keep our brothers in line. It was annoying having to father grown ass men who couldn't control their tempers.
The room was silent for just a moment until Kuruk exhaled and shook his head. "Trudgen, what happened with Jane?"
"She left. She fucking left me. Of all the fucking days, she picked today to leave." Trudgen kicked the coffee table that sat between the two sofas.
"Why? What did you say to make her leave?" Cardo glared at our brother.
"Why do you assume I said something?" Trudgen growled and glared back.
"Because we know you." I offered. "And you're taking your anger out on whoever is around you and unfortunately today you took it out on Jane. What happened?"
Trudgen grunted and shifted in his seat as he glared around the room. "I told her to leave me the fuck alone and she left."
"Dumbass." Cardo got up and retrieved more beers before he sat down on the edge of the sofa. "You know what? You two," he waved his finger between me and Trudgen, "Are both stupid fuckers when it comes to woman. Do you know what I would give to wake up every morning next to a girl half as great as Jane, or Kara? Do you remember waking up alone every fucking day in a king size bed all alone? Cause I can tell you from this morning it fucking sucks! You both better get your shit together cause let me tell you. Either of you drive one of those girls away and I'll bend the world in half to scoop up the fucking pieces! You're both stupid mother fuckers when it comes to woman and I dont' know how they put up with either of you!"
"Card, calm down man." Kuruk tried to grab our brother's arm as he stood up from the sofa.
"No! You know Trudgen took his bullshit out on that poor girl this morning. He has to have a punching bag for his shit since he can't handle his emotions like a grown ass man!" Cardo was standing and yelling at Trudgen but I could see the tears in his eyes. "It's not bad enough what we're all going through and you push away someone as sweet as Jane! Fuck you Trudgen! I hope she fucking leaves your agressive bullshit for good!"
Cardo launched his beer at the wall and the glass shattered. No one moved or spoke as the amber liquid dripped down Ap'lek's wall. Trudgen took the verbal assault as he stared at the floor. Kuruk stared at me with a shocked expression and I'm sure the same expression was on my own face. It took a minute but Cardo sat down on the sofa and pressed a throw pillow to his face as he bent over to his knees.
I could see my brother's shoulders shake as he cried over everything. Ap'lek, Ushar, being alone, which I had no idea he was having a hard time with. But now that I thought about it, everytime we hung out now, unless Kylo was there, Cardo was the only one without a partner. It didn't seem fair. Cardo was a great guy. Sure his jokes got old quickly but he was a really sweet guy and none of us ever understood why the ladies didn't stick around for him.
"She didn't take her phone." Trudgen broke the silence. "I tried to call her to apologize but her phone's on the nightstand. I don't know how to fix it."
"You have to find a way." I turned to look at Trudgen. "You love her right?"
Trudgen looked up at me and nodded. "I can't lose her Vic."
"What happened?" Kuruk's voice was calm as he set a hand on Cardo's back.
"I was in the bathroom and she wanted me to let her in. I was angry and I exploded. I yelled. She yelled. Then she left."
"And you're hand?" Kuruk nodded towards the bandage.
"I punched my bathroom mirror until it shattered." Trudgen hung his head and sighed. "I need to find her but I don't know where she is."
"She'll come back." I patted his shoulder. "And you better grovel on your knees when she does."
"Cardo." Trudgen waited for Cardo to wipe his face and look up. "It's not your fault man."
Cardo stared back and shook his head no. He didn't say it but we knew he disagreed.
"I wanted to blame you." Trudgen started. "I wanted to blame Kara. I wanted to blame Kylo. I wanted to blame everyone because I needed someone to blame but it's all Hux and Pryde. It's not your fault man."
Cardo leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "I don't know how to be a Knight without him. It's too hard."
"Aint' that the fucking truth." I sat back and stared at the walls around me.
Pictures of the Knights were framed and hung everywhere. Pictures of Kara on her first day as a Knight that were taken on the plane when we got home that night. Training sessions with just the guys and then some with Kara. Her and the Knights in the booth at Terry's while I was still gone. One picture of just the two of them caught my eye. The way he looked at her like the world revolved around her very existence was incredible. And Kara was laughing as she leaned into his chest and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"When was that picture taken?" I pointed to it behind Cardo and Kuruk and all three men looked at it.
"Her first Christmas at the bar." Trudgen smiled slightly. "She got us all gifts and made us cookies. She made us promise to come in on Christmas Eve even if it was just for an hour. We ended up staying all night in the booth with her after hours."
"Remember she made everyone sing one Christmas song?" Kuruk laughed and stood up to pull the picture off the wall. "I took this when they weren't looking."
"What song did Ap'lek sing?" I took the photo as Kuruk handed it to me.
"Umm, shit." Cardo rubbed his face and thought. "Ushar sang 'Grandma got ran over', I sang Jingle Bells, Kuruk you did Frosty right?"
Kuruk nodded. "Yeah, Trudgen did Twelve days, Ap'lek did White Christmas."
"What did Kara sing?" I asked as I ran my fingers over my little deers face in the picture. She looked so happy and carefree. Not a worry in the world. I'd give anything to see that look on her face now.
Trudgen chuckled into his beer. "Kara sang 'Christmas in Hollis' by Run DMC."
"No fucking way?" I laughed and looked around at my brothers.
"Girl can rap." Cardo chuckled and sat back on the sofa.
"Wow. I've never heard her rap before." I leaned back and set the picture in my lap as I drank my beer.
"Then you're missing out." Trudgen took the picture and held it in his own lap for a minute before handing it back.
We fell into a comfortable silence. The only noise came when Cardo got up and grabbed fresh beers for all of us. We were about five beers in when Kuruk mentioned the cinnamon rolls that Sarah had made and took over to Kara's. We all stood up and I followed my brothers out of Ap'lek's apartment. Before I closed the door behind me I took one last look. I didn't know if I'd ever have the courage to come back and be inside of here.
I said a final silent goodbye and pulled the door closed behind me as I turned left and headed down the hall to the apartment I now shared with Kara. She hadn't even realized that I had moved all my clothes and personal items into her place. The only thing left in my old apartment that sat across from Ap'lek's was furniture that I planned on donating. I didn't need any of it, none of the memories were especially good in that apartment anyways. I was glad to be rid of it and what was left inside of it. But I didn't know what we would do with Ap'lek's apartment. It was too hard to even think about.