It had been more than thirty years from that unfortunate afternoon at my house, but I still remembered everything, vividly, as if they had occured the day before. I had lost my best friend that day. Having already been devoid of love, my life became resemblent of an hollow and empty cannister, which could never be filled again with unappropriate diversions. Even the fame I received from my book seemed worthless. I then realised, I had paid too heavy a price for that.
Resuming my college, I was surrounded my admirers, from students and even from some of the teachers. I became a prodigy to be held up in front of everyone as the prime example of some exceptional talent. I received them all, with fake smiles and half hearted pleasure. I began to make new acquaintances, almost regularly. People I had just known, suddenly seemed to stand out as self employed best friends. But beyond all the hustle that surrounded me, everyone knew the one fact that was ever evident in my presence. No one could ever get close to me. I couldn't let them. Or rather, I would't. There were special places in my life for such intimate positions, and they were already taken. And although vacant, they would never be replaced.
Apart from me, the incidents at my house, took a toll on Kavya as well, who was troubled and could not decipher the meaning of all that was happening between us. She was torn up between me and Sid. In the beginning, she felt the fight was of a trivial nature and believed that things would sort out naturally between us. But as time went by, she began to realise the true nature of the rift that had settled down. She tried, time and again, to bring us together, like before, to get us to talk, or even meet, but to no avail. She could in no right mind acknowledge the fact that the years old friendship that had kept all of together had broken up. The bond had tethered and we were all scattered out in the wilderness of our own lives. But inspite of her failed attempts, she never gave up hope. Instead, as a result of her perseverance, her relationship with Sid, began to get strained. They had fights, which became frequent and then regular. She would call me up after each one, crying out her complaints, and I would remain silent, hearing her sobbing despair all the while sharing empty words of consolation. Her cracked voice would echo in my ears all night long, as I would toss and turn in my bed, trying to suppress the choking feeling of guilt. It is all because of me, the voice in my head would scream. Constant reminders. You are the reason of all their pain. I would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating from an uneasy sleep, just to be smothered by the lonely darkness in my room. As days passed by, my conditions worsened. I was turning into an insomniac. Afraid of my dreams, I avoided sleeping altogether. Ans it began to reflect upon my health. My parents started to get worried but I brushed aside their concerned inquiries and blamed all of it upon my final year carriculum. They urged me to take a break for myself, to go on some holiday with my friends, 'It'd make you fell better' they said. But I declined them all. "It is all right. I'm fine. I'll be fine," I declared with a derivative shrug of shoulder. But within me I knew all along, the truth that had been haunting me for months, I had no friends, I deserved no breaks.
Initially, I had assumed that I was in control of my emotions. I had always been adept at displaying my feelings, and was sure that I knew my bounds and believed in my own capabilities in bringing myself out of the mess of my own creation. But soon I realised, how wrong I was. The sleepless nights, the long study hours, the guilt, the pressure of exams, Kavya's sobbing words, the hordes of fake wannabe wellwishers, Sid's abuses, my own screaming thoughts, I began to loose my sanity amongst them. I realised I was loosing my footing. And it was all of a sudden. To be precise, it was a phone call that I received one night.
It was past midnight, I was sitting on my bed, staring at the white lettered pages in one my notebooks, looking at the winding curves of my written words, in my unfocused mind, I heard the phone ring upon the bedside table. I looked over and saw the bright screen display Kavya's name. It scared me. My heartbeat rose and I looked away immediately. The phone rang shrilly and loundly in the empty room, and the noise hit me hard in the ears. Why wouldn't it stop ringing, I remember asking myself. Why couldn't she stop calling? Why wouldn't anyone leave me alone? I turned out the lights and laid down, a pillow over my head. The phone kept on ringing. I had neither the courage nor the heart to either receive or decline the call, so I let it ring. It would eventually disconnect and then it would ring back again. After several minutes though, it didn't ring back anymore. She had finally given up and I was relieved. I welcomed the darkness willingly that night.
A couple of days later, she came to my home to visit. I didn't know she was home so her arrival was almost a shock. I saw her approaching from my balcony. Her hair had grown again and her long strides were unmistakable. I ran to the kitchen where my mother was.
"Ma," I almost screamed, out of breath. I could feel my heatbeats in my ears.
She was surprised. "What is it?" she asked, concern rising in her eyes.
"If anyone comes, say I am not home."
"Why? Who is coming?"
"Ma...Please. Just say I went out with some college friends. Or some extra classes. Just that I'm not home."
"Okay. But why ? Who is-" She couldn't complete her question as the bell rang.
I quietly slipped into my room, closed the door and sat down right there. I couldn't hear her voice, but knew she was there. I heard my mother say, "But Dhruv isn't home. He went out. He had some extra classes or something. That's what he told me."
I burried my head in my palms. What had become of me. What had I done to myself? Unsurprisingly, I had no answeres.
That night as I lay in my bed, I began to understand, or at the very least, get a hint of realisation, at my current state of mind. I had brought myself in a very dark place. I was avoiding the person whom I once considered to have hold most dear. How could she have become the casue of such dread? I couldn't let that happen. I had lost her. I couldn't bear to loose her memories. I began to collect my thoughts. Ponder at my choices. And with the break of early dawn seeping through open window, I had reached my decision. I knew what I had to do.
After a few more nights, once I had mustered up enough willpower, I picked up my phone and dialled Kavya's number. I heard it ring on the other side. Then came her voice.
"Dhruv."
I couldn't answer. I had thought about this moment for so long but hadn't anticipated this reaction. Hearing her call my name began to shake my resolve.
"H-Hi Kavya."
"What the hell Dhruv? Where have you been?" I could hear her loud voice across the phone. She was angry.
"Away." I wasn't giving in so easily.
"No calls, no messages, I even went to your house, but aunty said-"
"I wasn't at home, Kavya."
"Dhruv, don't lie. Atleast, not to me. You could never lie to me. I saw you. You were there in the balcony when I was walking into your house. We haven't seen each other for so long, I thought we could make sense of matters once we met. But when aunty said, you weren't at home, I understood. You're avoiding me Dhruv. Why ?"
"I-"
"Speak up."
"Kavya, I-"
"Listen Dhruv. I have no idea what's going on anymore. Sid doesn't tell me anything. You don't either. Hell, you are even hiding from me nowadays. I don't know what has happened to us. It doesn't make any sense. We were the closest-"
"I'm leaving Kavya."
"Sid tells me not to talk to you. Not to let you interfere in our-. Wait. What did you just say?"
I didn't have the heart to form an answer so I remained silent.
"Leaving? What do you mean leaving? What is up with you Dhruv?"
"Things can't keep on going like this Kavya. What happened between me and Sid, had to happen. We can't change that. What we had, we can never get back to that. We can never be the same as before, so it is useless to try anyway."
"What the fuck Dhruv? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Kavya, just listen to me. Will you?"
"I can't Dhruv. I can't-" The strain on her voice was evident. Her words were broken, she was choking up. Fuck. Then she spoke up again. "Is it becasue of me? Did I do something?"
I was terrified. "No. It wasn't you. You have nothing to do with this. It's between me and Sid."
"I just- How can I-I don't understand anything anymore." Her confusion was heartbreaking.
"I'm sorry Kavya. I can't tell you how much. But this has to happen. This is the only way things can get better."
"No Dhruv, please don't-"
"No. Please try and understand what's at stake here. Just hear me out for once."
She was silent on the other side. I knew that was her approval.
"I hate how things had to turn out, but neither of us had any say in it. None of us are wrong. Me and Sid, all of us infact, we have been through a lot over all these years and like every good thing in the world, this too had to come to its end. No please, just let me say it out. What happened, whose blame it was, I cannot say, becasue honestly, I do not possess the slightest idea. Sid blames it on me. It helps him process all of what's going on in his own way. I know that and I do not object. I can take the blame and live with it. Trust me, I can. But what I can't bear to witness is having to see your relationship with Sid being destroyed as a fallout of our fight. This isn't fair. And it shouldn't happen. Both of you are my best friends, and have been so for a vey long time, and what have developed between you, is beautiful and pure. It would be nothing less than a sin if the essece of your relationship were to be marred by the shadow of our shared misfortune. Not if I had a say in it."
"But it is not your responsibility Dhruv. It doesn't have to your sacrifice to make."
"It is my friendship as well, isn't it? What good is my friendship if I cant help protect my best friends?"
"I don't need protecting. I don't-"
"I have heard you cry Kavya. Night after night."
"You've seen me cry before. God, I cried the first time we met, if you don't remember."
"Kavya, you know this was different. You weren't crying becasue of yourself but for your helplessness. For the pain and confusion you were feeling. And you know very well the reason for that. It is my fault that your relationship is threatened. I, in my sane mind, cannot let that happen."
"Dhruv-"
"We've been together for so long Kavya, these many years, with all those memories, they couldn't all go in vain. I wouldn't let that happen. You were always close to me, you both were, and so you will always have a special place in my heart, irriplacable, like I know I will in yours. No matter where I am, no matter where I go, I'll always have you with me."
"Please. Don't-"
"For all our sakes, Kavya. I have to. It's out of my hands anyway. Everything's been arranged. I'm leaving next week."
"What? So early?"
"Yeah. I've made up my mind. If I stay, I might start having doubts and I couldn't afford that."
"Stay Dhruv. Don't go." She had started sobbing. God why was it so difficult.
"Kavya, please-" I too found my voice caught up in my throat. I needed to end this quick.
"Couldn't we meet? For one last time before you-" she couldnt complete the sentence before breaking down.
"No Kavya. This is good bye. Take care. Be happy. And remember, I've always lo-." Fuck. A few more moments of composure was all I needed. Just a couple of seconds. "-I've always loved you guys. And I always will. Bye."
"Dhruv, I-"
I never got to hear her reply as the line went dead. Did she disconnect? I looked at my phone and clicked on the screen but it remained black. The battery had run out.
I kept the phone aside and lay down. I was numb all over. My mind was disarryed. My eyes were open to the darkness of the room. And that's when the tears came.