Next day was the same. Perth ignoring me, Zee worshipping me and Mean being fucking annoying.
The only thing that changed was that Ms. Noppanut went to the classroom and announced that Perth was going to pick four of us to play a role in the nutcracker along with his old protégées who returned from Berlin too.
Old news for me though.
Besides, knowing Perth, he won't pick me. I already lost my faith in it.
Everyone else was delighted with the news though, because auditions were going to be in two weeks. Yey.
So yes, everyone was excited. Good for them. I was not.
I was really annoyed by all of this. And right now I was screaming into my pillow.
"I hate my life!"
"Ok, that's enough Saint. You need an intervention. I'm calling Boun." - Sammy said behind me.
"No, Sam. Stop. I'm fine. See?" - I faked a wide smile.
"That smile is more fake than Boun's hair color." - She said and I laughed.
"Fair enough. But no interventions please. Just, can we hang out for a while? Maybe the rooftop?"
She stared at me for a few seconds and then sighed.
"Sure."
I smiled at her and took my jacket and my cigarettes.
"I'll text Boun on the way."
Sammy and I reached the rooftop and sat in one of the deck chairs, Boun showed up minutes later with three burgers and beers.
We ate, drank and smoked, and for a while I forgot about Perth Tanapon, Zee Pruk and Mean Phiravich.
And I was happy. Or at least I think I was.
Or maybe I was just drunk.
But it was a good evening. Everything's better with friends.
"Mate." - Boun said.
"What?"
"Are you ok?"
"I'm stressed. But I'm alright."
"Is this still about Mr. Tanapon ?"
"I don't know, I guess I was just too confident about getting a contract after graduation, you know? But maybe I should let it go. It won't happen, not with him at least."
"My mom can always help you, she would recommend you to everyone."
"Yeah, I know. But I also like to accomplish things on my own. To know I won it and that I deserve it, and that someone saw something in me."
"Someone will. You're an amazing dancer."
"You know nothing about dancing, Boun." - I laughed.
"True. But still."
"I think that what got you worse was Zee's appearing." - Sammy said and I sighed.
"Maybe. I never thought he was going to come back. And he is being so charming all of the sudden, and over me all the time. I don't know."
"Did you feel something when you saw him?" - Boun asked.
"Hate, regret, homicidal impulses."
The both of them laughed.
"So, you're good. Not going crawling back to him?" - Sammy.
"No, I don't think so."
~~~
Next day everyone was more showing off than usual. Those bootlickers.
Of course everybody wanted the same. An opportunity to be under Perth's wing? That was a golden ticket. That was a way to make sure you'll have a career for the rest of your life. Well maybe.
That only if Perth keeps doing ballets and all, nobody can assure you that. But still, it was a pretty awesome opportunity.
Except for me, because he hated me already.
That day during the first part of the class, the warm up and the barre, Zee was helping Perth correcting the students, but more especially correcting me.
He stood near the window by the side of my barre. Smooth.
Since Perth was still ignoring me. I think maybe Zee was just being considered, helping my formation, teaching me, not like my professor.
But when we were doing a développé sequence, Zee was watching me closely.
"You can elevate it higher, Saint." - Zee said. He stepped forward and grabbed my inner thigh, lifting my leg a bit higher. Not that it wasn't high already, but he still pushed higher. - "From here. Your adductor. Here Is where your strength needs to come from." - He smiled at me and let go my leg, while I tried to keep it at that height on my own, tensing my muscles.- "Better." - He smiled again.
I guess It caught Perth's attention, because suddenly he was by my side too.
Weird.
He pushed Zee aside and took me by the arch of my feet, pushing my leg even higher, almost reaching my ear.
"Does it hurt?" - He said sharply.
"No, It's fine."
"Then it can go further." - He said and pushed more.
"But I won't be able to maintain it there on my own once you let go." - I said, trying to remain calm and look like I was enjoying myself.
Because that's what ballet is about. Suffering but not showing it. Always fucking smiling even if everything hurts.
Basically torture.
Antique, french, torture.
Remind me again why I picked this career?
"Do not contradict me. If you have the flexibility then you have to train your damn strength, because you're not going to be able to do anything." - He said sharply and let go of my feet. Expecting me to maintain my leg at the same height where he left it. How ambitious.
The whole class was staring at us, because well I was having both or our teachers attention. Even the pianist stopped playing.
Leaving me to be tortured in silence. No music in the background, just me and my suffering.
Focus, Saint.
I felt my thigh trembling, starting to give in, losing height, and finally returning to the ground.
"I never said you could put it down."
"I'm sorry sir."
"Let's move on with the battement, class." - He said and walked away.
Zee looked at me and smiled, he was proud?
I hate him.
He can't come back from Berlin and pretend everything is fine with me. When it's not.
He can't be all sweet and loving when I know he is an idiot.
But even though that was what was happening in my mind, I returned the smile to him. And he looked relieved. Maybe.
I'm not good at reading people.
"Zee, I need you here." - Perth said, and with that Zee was gone.
But the most weird thing that happened in that class, was when Perth told the women to go with Zee instead of us.
He wanted us, males, to stay with him.
Again, weird.
"Today you are going to show me what you've learnt with Zee. Each couple will have only one shot to show me the choreography. You two, go first." - He pointed to Joe and Walter.
They did well, I don't know, they didn't have chemistry though.
Perth was taking notes during the whole choreography and just mumbled a quiet ' good ' when they finished, moving on to another couple.
Mean and I were the last ones.
Perth hated me. I had zero doubts.
When the music started playing and Mean and I started moving at unison, everything fell into place.
Dancing was my way of living, my way of expressing, and even if I hated Mean's guts, we both loved dancing. And it showed.
I felt like my turns were greater, my jumps were higher, my smile was wider. And I was doing well, I was feeling free.
Those were the times I remembered why I dance. Because I just simply forget everything, and the music melts with the steps, the rhythm beats in my heart and my blood, my head is in a safe place where nobody can hurt it, and my body feels lighter, like there was no weight on my shoulders.
But then the choreography ends. The music stops. And Perth doesn't say anything.
Not a 'good' or a 'well done' or a correction. Nothing.
It is demotivating.
He just moved on and made a new choreography for us to learn. Forcing me to stay in the back. Again .
Am I surprised? No.
Is Mean still mad with me about being at the back? Yes.
Do I care? Again, no.
Am I going to keep giving the best of me until he notices? Yes.
Will he ever notice me? Don't know.
Am I losing my mind? Yes. Absolutely yes.
Just breathe, Saint. He sees you. He is just pretending to ignore you.
Or at least that's what I wanted to believe.
Maybe that way my mind would shut up and let me live.
Or maybe I just needed to sleep.
Yeah, that's better.
And so I did.