This night I couldn't close my eyes for one minute. Although Aleksi was lying next to me on the sofa and I distantly heard his calm, frequent breath I was still completely shaken up from our conversation that once again made me realize I wasn't only getting myself in trouble with every day that passed but also the black haired one and everyone that was close to him aswell.
Since I had reappeared in Aleksi's life the day I met Joonas, the only thing I had produced was a huge gigantic mess and I seemed to drag everyone around me into it. Slowly but surely I started to believe that moving in with the black haired one again and getting involved with his band maybe hadn't been such a good idea.
In a matter of barely a week I had broken my best friend's heart, again. Not only because I, with a heavy heart, rejected him but also because the thought of me chosing one of his best friends over him was tormenting him. The black haired boy was mistaken, when he thought that I was falling for Joonas but there were still the feelings I started to develop for Joel that Aleksi didn't know about. If he would ever find out he would be deeply devastated. After the hell I put Aleksi through, I could not risk to hurt him one more time.
"Naomi are you okay? You don't seem to well." Joonas who I had helped to tune the guitars in the studio for the past couple minutes, while the other ones were listening to demos in the other room, was looking at me deeply concerned.
I could hardly cover up the fact that I had cried for hours last night. My eyes were still red and puffy and the dark circles that surrounded them made me look even more miserable than I was already feeling inside.
"I don't feel very well today." I briefly answered and dedicated my attention to the strings attached to the guitar I was holding in both of my hands. They were still a little lose which was why the riffs I tried to play on it sounded rather awful.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Joonas took the guitar out of my hands and put it down so I didn't have any distraction anymore that kept me from snapping back into reality.
Of course I wanted to tell Joonas. I wanted to tell him everything. But at the same time I was filled with so much guilt because I was dragging such a genuine person into all of this mess.
"Yesterday when I came home Aleksi totally lashed out at me. I already knew something was up when I heard his voice on the phone but I didn't know it would be something this... heavy. He slept with some random girl but that's not the point." I had to pause for a moment when I was hit by a wave of emotions that almost immediately made me tear up again. I had cried so heavily last night that the burn in my eyes was unbearable when they started to fill with hot salty tears.
"He was so hurt Joonas. I've never seen him that way. Do you know why he was so hurt?" I was starting to laugh and cry silently at the same time. The memories of last night already felt so distant, probaly because I still didn't fully comprehend them. "He thought that you and I... well... you know." Saying it out loud was something I hadn't prepared for but Joonas immediately understood what I was implying with the few words that left my lips. His face showed severe signs of disbelief.
"You're kidding me right?" I really wished my words had been a bad joke but in fact they were the ugly truth. I could only hope that Aleksi trusted me enough to believe me when I said that Joonas was a good friend to me and nothing more.
"No I'm not kidding Joonas." I answered and gave him a serious look. I was rubbing my eyes to prevent that the hot salty tears would run down my face but it was already too late. My eyes started to burn tremendously.
"I haven't even told you the worst part yet. I kissed him Joonas, I kissed Joel. Well, I mean he kissed me but I let it happen. God what am I supposed to do now?" I was whispering in fear the others could hear us talk, although they were in a completely different room. I didn't think the look on Joonas face could get any more concerned than it already had been but it did get a lot more concerned right after I had dropped the bomb.
"Joel did what? And you just let it happen? Have you even listened to anything I told you?!" Joonas hissed and I could sense that he was having a hard time keeping his voice down. To be honest I completly understood why he was so upset with me. He had warned me about the man with the long blonde hair but I had recklessly ignored his advice and now found myself in serious trouble before I could even realize it.
"I know that it was stupid of me okay?! But what was I supposed to do?" I hissed back while slowly starting to panic inside. I thought that maybe telling Joonas would bring me at least some kind of relief but I had just made everything even worse.
"What's going on with you guys?" Joonas and I hadn't even noticed that the other guys had entered the room again but when the air was filled with Niko's loud voice we both winced. "Nothing. I need to go to the bathroom." I briefly said and started to walk away from the guys with quick steps while the panic inside me grew more and more with every second that passed. I had to get out of there or I would simply go insane.
I didn't show it but in this moment I just wanted to cave in or disappear forever.
I stormed through the hallway of the studio right into the bathrooms where I had to hold onto one of the sinks to not collapse under the trembling motion my body was under now. Every part of my body started to shake and the tears started to run down my face uncontrollably because I had tried to hold them back for the past couple minutes.
I forced myself to take deep breaths, focusing on the feeling of my lungs slowly being filled with air. "Don't panic. You're fine. Everything is alright." I bend down to cover my skin in drops of cold, pleasant water, that however couldn't wash away the signs of last night on my face. At least it calmed me down. I took one more deep breath before I turned off the water and slowly lifted my head again.
To my surprise, I saw a tall man standing behind me in the mirror that most definitely hadn't been standing there before.
"Joel." I gasped and turned around, quickly trying to hide the remains of tears that I feared the water hadn't washed away completely. I didn't want him to see me like that. I felt so weak, so powerless.
"Do you know how miserable you look?" He was showing no sign of emotion, just the same mocking tone of voice as always. At least that man was predictable. "I don't only look miserable, I also feel miserable. Especially when I see you." I mumbled and looked right into his deep blue eyes that once again captivated although I tried to fight against it.
"I've heard worse things about me coming out of your mouth. That pretty little mouth that always gets you in trouble." The older one uttered in a dangerously low voice and slowly walked towards me.
Why was it that everytime he stood infront of me I completly dismissed my morality and principles? It felt like I was completely weak-willed when I was with him, like he had control over every single thought I was thinking, every single feeling I was experiencing as soon as he entered the room. His rough voice already was enough to make me feel weak in my knees and I was sure he was exactly aware of that.
"Joel, please don't." I put my hand on his chest, stopping the man from getting closer to me than he already was and I meant that in every way possible. I didn't have the strength to do this right now. Not with everything that was going on, not after I saw how much I truly made Aleksi suffer.
"Oh so now you're having second thoughts? It's a little too late for that, don't you think?" It took every ounce of will I had left to not let the blonde one get close, to not just give in again.
My body was screaming at me, so desperate I was to feel his touch but at the same time my mind was fried by the thought of what would happen if I admitted to myself that I wanted him.
"Joel I-... This is wrong." Joonas warnings didn't come out of nowhere. The moment I would allow myself to feel something other than hate and anger towards Joel, was the moment he would shamelessly use me like all the other girls that came before me. I knew that I meant nothing to him and that he shouldn't mean anything to me after everything he did. But I was afraid he did mean something to me, even if it was in the most twisted, fucked up way.
He was already aware that I couldn't tear myself away, that's why he always waited until I showed the slightest sign of weakness just to pull me in his spell once again.
"Oh you are trying so hard to keep it together aren't you? Your body speaks volumes to me even if you aren't speaking. I know how desperately you want this, how desperately you want me." I hated how this man was almost always able to put into words exactly how I felt. It was like he was somehow able to read my feelings whenever he stared into my eyes like he did in that exact moment.
Joel grabbed my wrist tightly, forcefully pulling it away from his chest. He continued to look into my eyes with that deadly cold pair of his and moved closer. I tried to step back but my lower body was already pressed up against the sink.
I couldn't escape the blonde man.
"But I can't Joel. I just can't do this. Please I-" But Joel didn't listen, he never did. He knew exactly I didn't have the strength to resist him once I felt his touch on me. He grabbed my waist with his big hands.
Joel was causing me pain, so tightly he held onto me, pressing his fingers into my skin causing me to let out a sharp breath followed by a slight painful whimper.
"Did that finally shut you up huh?" He was agressively whispering at me with his mouth pressed up against my neck. I felt how I slowly got more and more weak again as soon as his warm breath was hitting my skin and I felt his lips moving on my neck. I was unable to answer anything so overwhelmed I was by all the emotions that flooded me. It seemed like the harder I kept trying to surpress them the more intense they got everytime the older one stood infront of me.
"Joel I-" I tried to raise my voice but was immediately cut off by the blonde man.
"Mh did you say something there? I just heard a few whiny little whimpers." Joel was pressing his fingers into my skin even more now, causing me to let out moans of pain. "Fuck you." I said through gritted teeth but the next moment I already felt how he was pressing his lips on mine.
His hands were sliding down the sides of my body until they reached the back of my thighs. Joel eagerly grabbed them and lifted me ontop of the sink. He pressed up against me, pushing one of his legs between mine.
The blonde one put one of his hands directly next to my head on the mirror behind me while his other hand was starting to trace my curves. When he started to move his lips on mine I hungrily grabbed his shirt, pulling him in even more, so desperate I was to feel and taste him in every way possible. This was exactly what I didn't want to happen. But I let it happen, again. I couldn't get enough of the tingly firework that his kisses lit up inside me and the rush of adrenaline I experienced when he was talking to me in that dangerously low voice.
Joel suddenly pulled away. He was taking my face into his hands, forcing me to look right at him. "This should be a reminder for you how easy it is for me to make you give in, to make you do anything I want. You were so brave trying to keep it together, poor Naomi. You must hate yourself for being so driven by your instincts like a filthy fucking animal." There it was again, the lack of emotion in his eyes. Those harsh words. Joel's true self came to life. He let go of me and turned around without giving me any time to react. I just sat there totally out of breath with my mouth wide open while I heard how the bathroom door was shut.
He was playing his little games, having his way with me and I played along. The moment he was gone all the positive feelings disappeared in one fell swoop. He was right. I truly hated myself by being so driven by my instincts. Joel brought out the worst in me, I couldn't think clearly when I was with him. But somehow it felt just so good being completely mindless. All my problems were gone when he kissed me. I had never felt more alive. I was convinced this man would be the death of me some day.
Author's note:
Damn that turned out a lot longer than I intended to. I had like zero ideas for this chapter and it took me forever.
Like I was writing a Paragraph, then I hated it and then deleted it again and started over and at some point I completely changed all the events that were supposed to happen before. Lmao the struggles of being a writer I guess.
Anyways I hope you enjoyed another slightly spicyyy chapter. Tbh I am afraid to write the later chapters Idk if I am mentally stable enough to write the heavy smut stuff but yeah💀 I will probably still do it because y'all would hate me if I skip it after such a build up and so much slow burn hahaha.
Love you all <3