Chapter TEN
“Dr Clements!” Nick cringed as he heard the voice of Dr Lawson.
He stopped and racked his brain for an excuse to get out of talking to him. He turned slowly.
“Dr Lawson, I am sorry I didn’t come to see you yesterday…”
“Dr Clements, I am the chief of surgery. When I ask you to call, you do so.”
Nick rubbed his temples. “I apologize, as you know I had a rough day and…”
“And you canceled all your surgeries. Nick, all surgeons have tough days. You move on. You don’t get to have the luxury of wallowing in self-pity. You inconvenienced us all.”
Nick felt the eyes of the OR staff on him. A hallway chewing out. Just what he needed to validate everyone’s opinion that he was an incompetent surgeon.
“Now, I’ve talked with the parents of yesterday’s debacle. What the hell are you doing talking to them with Dr Hurley? You should never have told them about the ET tube.”
Nick straightened his back. “Dr Hurley is Sidnee’s psychiatrist. The Dawsons requested she be involved. And they had a right to know about the tube. I am not going to lie to them about what happened.”
“I wasn’t suggesting you lie, you should’ve waited for the hospital lawyers. I would think your past experience would’ve taught you at least that.”
Nick felt his ribs squeeze. A cold sweat broke his forehead.
“No further conversations with the parents until you talk with counsel. And don’t discuss the case with Dr Hurley. She’s no friend of this department.” Dr Lawson shook a warning finger and stormed off.
Nick lifted his chin. He wasn’t going to slink away and give everyone the satisfaction. It was time to get back to being the patients whose names he barely remembered. He’d gotten too involved with the Dawson case.
***
Kate was surprised to find someone sitting with Sid when she came into the ICU room. Sid hadn’t woken up and things were looking bad. She watched the young man rub her hand. He looked up as she walked in. She introduced herself
“I am Tyronne.”
Kate smiled. “Sid has told me about you. You guys were planning to go to the prom together.”
Tyronne looked sadly at Sid. “This is all my fault. I told her she needed to lose weight.”
Kate sat down on the edge of Sid’s bed so she could look at Tyronne. “You can’t blame yourself. This was Sid’s decision.”
He sighed.
Kate knew she shouldn’t. It wasn’t fair. But Tyronne wasn’t her patient. “Would you have taken Sid to the prom if she hadn’t lost the weight?”
Tyronne looked down. He was a tall kid, with glistening ebony skin and an athletic build. He was every girl’s dream date. He shook his head.
“I don’t want to sound bad but if I’d taken Sid to the prom the way she looks now, my life would be over. It’s not easy you know. I am not that smart, I am an okay basketball player but not the best. The only thing I got is my friends and they wouldn’t understand me taking Sid.”
“Even though you like her?”
He nodded. “She’s a cool girl. I like hangin with her. But dating her? That’d be like writing off my social future.”
“Then why did you give her hope Tyronne?” Kate had meant to sound gentle but she could hear the reproach in her words.
“I didn’t. Not really. She just kinda cornered me. She asked if I’d take her if she lost the weight really fast and I didn’t know what to say so I said yeah. I know I shouldn’t have. She got obsessed with it and then I thought it wasn’t such a bad idea.”
He put his head in his hands. “I never woulda done it if I’d known this is how it’d turn out. I didn’t mean her no harm.” He looked pleadingly at Kate. “You believe me don’t you Dr H? Sid talked about you all the time. Said you got her out of a lot of bad places.”
Tears stung her eyes. She blinked them back.
“Tyronne, this is not your fault. I want to make that clear. But, you can’t lead her on. If you want to be with her, you have to accept her as she is. Your love for her can’t be dependent on her weight.” Kate tried to keep her voice even, tried to keep the tears in her eyes from falling, to breathe against her painfully contracting chest.
“You need to look past her weight, at the person she is and decide whether you want to be with her.” Her stomach twisted painfully. She felt nauseous.
“As she is Dr H, I want her as my friend. But I can’t be dating her. It’ll ruin my life. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
Kate’s heart broke for Sid. She looked over at her, praying for the first time that Sid couldn’t hear what was being said. She turned around and walked away without saying anything to Tyronne. She needed to get out of here.
***
Kate rubbed her eyes. She’d gone back to bed when Nick left. Her head pounded. She’d woken up twice in the middle of the night to check on Sid. There had been no improvement. Nick had held her all night. Despite the fact that he was obviously turned on, they hadn’t made love. She kept going over every conversation she’d ever had with Sid.
Why hadn’t Sid trusted her with the information about the surgery? Had she tried hard enough to talk her out of surgery? Had she let Nick walk all over her? She pulled the covers over her head. Nick’s bed was lumpy. Rented furniture lacked a certain charm.
He hadn’t bothered to buy real furniture. When would she get it through her head. Nick wasn’t staying?
She pushed off the bed and padded to the bathroom. She closed her eyes when she caught sight of her face in the mirror. Her normally flawless skin was blotchy. Her hair looked like a birds nest, she could have sucked the light out of a room with the dark circles under her eyes.
This is what Nick had woken up to. Her after a night of binging on ice cream and cheap beer. The only silver lining was he didn’t have a weight scale in his bathroom. She could put off that torture device until she got home.
She splashed cold water on her face. She hadn’t brought any clothes and had slept in one of Nick’s shirts. She took it off and looked for yesterday’s clothing. She zipped up the dress, sucking in her stomach to get the zip over her waist. She avoided the mirror.
She padded to his kitchen and opened the refrigerator. There was only beer, bacon and bread. She eyed the bread. It had been months since she’d had a slice of bread. And had butter. Real butter. She remembered what Bryan had said about her obsession with weight. To hell with it.
She took a slice of bread and put it in the toaster. When it was done, she slathered butter on it. She took a bite, letting the crumbs coat her tongue. Food is not a good substitute for dealing with whatever is causing the stress. She closed her eyes. The hell it isn’t.
A frantic knock on the door pulled her attention. Her eyes flew open. What now?
She opened the door. There was a woman standing there with a little child. The woman was slim, with dark hair, a petite build and a wide mouth. The child had sandy hair and hazel eyes. He looked vaguely familiar.
“Does Nick Clements live here?” The woman’s voice was panicked.
Kate nodded.
The woman stepped in. The child started whimpering. She walked to the sofa and set him down. She pulled out a pacifier and offered it to him.
“Where’s Nick?”
“At the hospital. Who are you?”
“I am Suzanne. And that’s Lucas, Nick’s son.”
Kate’s eyes widened. “Suzanne? Lucas?”
“He’s not answering his cell phone.”
Kate rubbed her temple. She looked around the apartment. She noticed the cell phone on the floor. She picked it up. The battery had fallen out. She showed it to Suzanne. “He should be home soon.”
“Are you here just for the night?”
Kate bristled. How dare she? She took a breath. This was Nick. It was a fair assumption. She shook her head. “I know about Lucas. I thought Nick had never seen him.”
Suzanne paced the apartment wringing her hands. “He hasn’t. He didn’t want to be involved but….” She looked at Kate, frowning. Then she resumed her pacing. “I have a family emergency. My sister is in Sudaan and something serious has happened to her. I don’t know what but I need to go find out. I can’t take Lucas---it’s not safe. And I don’t have any place to leave him.”
Kate swallowed, her head throbbed. Your timing is just perfect Suzanne.
“Is Nick really the best choice?” Kate couldn’t keep the judgment out of her voice.
“He’s the only choice. I’ve asked every friend and neighbor I can think of. The nanny has her own family and refused.”
She looked at Kate, her eyes wide. “Nick is my last resort. But he’s the only one I have. I have to get on a flight three hours from now.”
Lucas spit out his pacifier and let out a loud wail. Kate flinched. Suzanne swore and sat down next to Lucas, trying to calm him down. “What am I going to do?” she wailed. She picked Lucas up and started bouncing him, shifting from foot to foot. He cried even louder. “Shush baby shush…mommy has to think. Can you just shush.” Her voice was getting louder and more panicky. Lucas screeched.
Kate walked to the kitchen and filled a glass of water. She put it on the coffee table and took Lucas out of Suzanne’s arms. She pointed to the glass. “Drink!”
Lucas wiggled in her arms and screamed. “Mommy! Mommy!” Kate ignored the tightening of her chest and held onto Lucas.
Suzanne took several sips. Kate knew the act of swallowing would help calm her down.
“Here’s what we’re going to do…” Kate’s voice had a calming reassurance she didn’t feel. “My name is Kate Hurley. I am a psychiatrist and Nick’s college friend. I can watch Lucas until he gets home.” Balancing Lucas in one arm, she walked over to her purse and pulled out her business card. “The back of this card has my cell number. If you can’t reach Nick, you call me.”
Suzanne stood up. She looked at the card and bit her lip. She looked back at Kate. Lucas was still screaming.
Kate began a slow walk around the apartment with him, speaking to in a soft gentle tone. “Lucas, I think you would like some water too, wouldn’t you. And maybe some bread and butter. It’s really yummy.” She took Lucas to the sink and balanced him on one hip while she filled a cup with one hand. She took the cup and let him sip noisily from it.
Kate brought him back to the living room and jangled some keys in front of him. He giggled and took the keys.
Suzanne came and rubbed her hand on his head. “I thought I could do this single mom thing you know.” Her eyes were wet. “I was thirty five when I had him. I figured I would miss my window if I let him go.” She shook her head. “I am not so sure it was such a good idea. This is much harder than I thought.”
Kate felt the air leave her chest. A painful lump formed in her throat. She hugged Lucas, feeling his pudgy softness.
“We all need help sometimes Suzanne. You have an extraordinary circumstance. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Listen, I’ll take care of him. You go look after your sister.” Kate’s voice was thick.
Suzanne looked at her gratefully then looked at her wrist watch. “I really hope you’re not some baby snatching lunatic. I have to go.”
Kate nodded. “He’s in good hands.”
Suzanne handed her a bag with Lucas’s things and showed her the diapering and other supplies. “I didn’t have time to pack much so he’ll have to buy more.”
Kate nodded. Suzanne gave Kate her cell phone.
“I’ll help Nick. Lucas will be all right.”
Suzanne clutched Kate’s arm. “He’s my whole world. If something happens to him, I’ll die. I’ll just die. He’s my everything. Please take care of him.”
Kate’s heart squeezed painfully. Suzanne took Lucas from Kate’s arms and hugged and kissed him. “Mommy loves you baby. I’ll be back for you.” Kate watched, pain searing through her.
Lucas screamed for “mommy” as Suzanne handed him over to Kate. The boy wiggled and reached for Suzanne as she walked to the door. She paused and looked back at Kate. Lucas wailed, tears falling down in rivers down his cheek.
Kate tried to look reassuring. “Go Suzanne.” She couldn’t imagine what Suzanne would be going through, entrusting Lucas to a complete stranger. Suzanne shook her head and shut the door behind her. Kate sensed her standing on the other side.
She walked with Lucas, talking softly to him. “Mommy will be back Lucas, she loves you very much…you are such a beautiful little boy…I am sure your daddy will fall in love with you as soon as he meets you….he’s very lucky to have you.”
Her breath hitched. Tears rolled down her eyes. She picked up the keys and handed it to him. Lucas stopped crying. He looked at her, his eyes wide. A chubby hand reached out and patted her cheek. “No cry, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
Kate sat down. She took Lucas’s hand and kissed it. Her breaths were coming fast now. She set Lucas on the floor and found a toy in the bag Suzanne had handed her. She gave him the toy and walked into the kitchen. She put her hands on the counter and tried to take some deep breaths. Nick’s son! A son Nick didn’t even want. Another woman’s baby.
She heard the sound of keys in the door and turned to see Nick enter.
“What the?”
“Meet your son Lucas.”
Nick’s eyes widened.
Kate tried to take a breath, not sound as hysterical as she felt. She explained the situation to Nick.
“What am I supposed to do with him?”
“What father’s typically do Nick. Take care of him. Suzanne said it should only be a few days.”
“Isn’t there a daycare or something I could put him in for a few days?”
Kate shook her head. “During the day there is a day-care at the hospital you can probably leave him but you have to take care of him at night.”
He looked at her panicked.
“Why did you let Suzanne leave him? I can’t take care of him. She should have found someone else.”
Kate glared at him. “She didn’t have a choice, believe me, she wouldn’t have left him if she did. It’s an emergency. You need to step up, you are his father.”
He shook his head. “I can’t Kate. You take him, please.”
The room was too hot. It was getting too hard to breath.
“No Nick, I can’t! This is your child. You take care of him.”
She showed him the things Suzanne had brought and gave him Suzanne’s number to call. She grabbed her purse. Before she left, she sat down next to Lucas and kissed his head. “This is your daddy Lucas, can you look up and say hello?” Lucas looked up, his eyes wide with wonder. Nick stared at them both. Kate kissed him once more and stood up.
He grabbed her hand. “Kate, you can’t go. I have no idea what to do with him.”
She shook her head. “I can’t Nick. Not right now. I’ll try to come back, but I need some air right now.” Lucas started screaming.
She closed the door behind her and walked as fast as she could down the hallway until she couldn’t hear Lucas anymore.
She drove to the house on Peach street. She parked across the street and stared. She watched a woman come out and check the mailbox. She watched a young child in the doorway calling to his mother. The woman nodded to him and he came running out to the front lawn and hugged her. They walked back to the door hand in hand.
Kate put the key in the ignition and drove to her condo. Once inside, she went to the freezer. The ice-cream was all gone. She opened her fridge. Fruits, vegetables and soy products greeted her. She slammed it shut in disgust. She walked to her pantry. There were canned vegetables and calorie free noodles. She slammed the door shut. She walked to her bedroom and made a beeline for the nightstand. In the bottom drawer in the very back, she found it. A chocolate bar. She unwrapped it and ate it hungrily, letting the sweetness take away the bitter taste in her mouth.
It was gone a little too quickly. She searched the drawer again but there was no more. She took off the dress and started the shower. She got underneath the scalding hot water, letting the jet pound on her face. Her entire body ached. When she was done, she crawled under the covers, sinking into the softness of her bed. She closed her eyes.
***
It was mid-day when the ringing phone woke her up. She groaned as she looked at the clock. She should have checked on Sid. She sat up. She should be checking on Nick and Lucas.
She looked at the phone display and frowned. It wasn’t a number she recognized. She mumbled a sleepy hello.
“Kate, this is Marcia the real estate agent. I submitted your bid for the Peach street house. The good news is that you’re in the running. The bad news is they have another offer.”
Kate sighed.
“I think the offer is similar to yours so I am checking to see if you want to raise your bid”
Kate had more than enough money to raise the bid substantially. “Who’s the other bidder?”
“Excuse me?”
“Who submitted the other bid?”
Kate pictured Bryan and his Barbie doll fiancé. Living in the house. Eating dinners around the kitchen island. Children splashing in the pool. Her stomach hardened.
“I can’t tell you. The selling agent knows but she can’t disclose that information.”
Spots danced before her eyes. Random images danced in her head. A his and hers sink, two closets, one empty. Mindy and Bruce fighting. Her hand trembled. “Let them have it.”
“What?”
“Let my bid go. I am tired of fighting.”
“Kate, I don’t think it’ll take much more to sweeten the deal. The house is almost yours. Don’t give up now.”
She closed her eyes, wanting to picture the house. To remember how much she loved and wanted it. To remember that she had finally decided to have the things she constantly denied herself. But all she could see was Suzanne kissing Lucas goodbye. Nick’s son. A son he didn’t want. She saw the room in the house. With the rockets and stars.
“It’s okay, let it go. I appreciate your help.”
As soon as she’d hung up, the phone rang again. It was an unknown number. She answered it.
“Kate, it’s Suzanne.”
Kate felt a pang.
“I am on a layover, I spoke to Nick but I want to make sure Lucas is really okay.”
Kate closed her eyes. Why had she promised Suzanne she would help?
“I am sure he’s fine, I am not with them right now.”
“Would you go check on them? Please!” Suzanne’s voice was a mixture of desperation and panic. A mother torn.
Kate sighed. “Okay, I’ll go check on them. Don’t worry, Nick will take care of him. I’ll make sure of it. Take care of your sister.”
She hung up, then threw the covers off and got up. She was still in her bathrobe. She called the ICU. There was no change in Sid’s condition. The nurse said Sid’s parents had just left but would be back tomorrow and wanted to talk to Kate.
She went to her closet to find something to wear. She pulled out her jeans and slipped them on. They wouldn’t button. She swore. They were middle of the closet jeans.
She kicked them off and threw them against the mirror. She picked up sweat pants from the floor and slipped them on. The elastic band was much more forgiving. She picked out a loose fitting t-shirt and slipped it on
She grabbed her keys. She drove to the grocery store and picked up some supplies.
She drove to Nick’s place. He didn’t have a security guard in the building so she went right up to his apartment. She listened for the sound of Lucas crying as she walked down the hallway but all was quiet. She knocked on the door. He opened it carrying Lucas.
As soon as he saw her, Lucas extended his arms and began whining for her to take him. She swallowed painfully and stepped inside, ignoring the little outstretched hands.
“I am glad to see he’s still alive.”
“No thanks to you. Thanks for abandoning me like that.”
She stopped beyond the threshold. The place looked like a hurricane had come through. Toys, books, torn pieces of newspaper, clothes, and diapers were strewn everywhere. Almost every surface was covered. She picked up one diaper, it looked clean.
She raised an eyebrow at him.
“What? You left me all alone, he doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Youtube videos on diaper changing only go so far. It took me a few tries. And tearing up newspapers seems to calm him.”
Lucas started crying. Nick swore. “This kid won’t stop crying.” He still held his arms out for Kate. She looked at him, her heart aching painfully.
Nick leaned forward and transferred Lucas to her. She had no choice but to take him. Lucas put his head on her shoulder, a thumb in his mouth.
Kate shook her head. “Did you feed him?”
Nick shrugged. “I found some snacks in the bag Suzanne left and gave it to him. He seemed to like them but we’re all out.”
Kate rolled her eyes. “I brought some real food, and diapers.”
One arm balancing Lucas, she reached into a bag and pulled out a yogurt container. She set Lucas down on the kitchen chair and opened the container. He shook his head, his thumb still in his mouth and began whining.
Kate set the container down.
“I think he’s tired.”
She walked into Nick’s bedroom and put Lucas down on the bed. She checked his diaper then tucked him in. She used some pillows on the sides so he wouldn’t fall out. She stepped away from the bed to leave the room.
“I want mommy” Lucas’s voice was small and whiny.
Kate went back to him. “Shhhh baby. Your mommy had to go take care of her sister for a little while. But she’s going to come back.”
“You gonna be my mommy?”
Her lungs constricted. She tried to take a breath but it stuck. Tears rolled down her cheeks. I can’t do this. I can’t get attached to Nick’s son. Big hazel eyes looked at her expectantly.
Lucas turned to the side and put a thumb back in his mouth. Kate squeezed her eyes shut and patted his back. She felt the fast little breaths in and out of his chest. She felt them eventually slow down. She opened her eyes. He was asleep. She covered him with a sheet and closed the door silently behind her.
Nick was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. “I can’t do this Kate.”
“He’s probably down for the night. You might want to sleep on the couch tonight and check on him in about eleven hours. He may wake up and need some comfort at night.”
“Kate, I can’t do this.”
Anger boiled inside her. “I don’t think you have a choice” she said coldly.
But Nick wasn’t listening. “Look around, I have no idea what to do with him. I never wanted to be a dad. I made that very clear to Suzanne. I didn’t sign up for this. It’s not fair.”
A nerve twitched in her head. “Well you should have thought about that before you had sex Nick. Because whether or not you want to, you are a father. And that little boy in there is scared and alone and he needs you. So get it together.”
Nick stood up and clasped her hands. “Kate, please, I need you. You have to help me with him until Suzanne comes back.”
Kate shook her head. “I can’t Nick.”
Nick looked at her pleadingly “What am I going to do? If you hadn’t come by, I’d have kept feeding him. How do I know whether he’s supposed to eat or sleep or play or whatever?”
Kate took a breath. “Tomorrow morning, you can take him to the hospital day care. It’s for patients and employees whose kids fall sick. Ask them for recommendations of babysitters that can help you in the evenings. Hire a night nurse if you have to.”
“Why can’t you help me Kate?”
“Because I can’t Nick. You have to do this on your own.” She unpacked the groceries and told him what to give Lucas to eat and how to pack a diaper bag to take to the daycare the next day.
Kate drove home the long way. She didn’t want to pass by Peach Street. She stopped at a convenience store and picked up some ice cream and wine. Her apartment was dark when she got in. She grabbed a spoon and walked over to the couch. She turned on the TV and selected a mindless reality show. She unscrewed the bottle of wine, took a big gulp from the bottle. She opened the ice-cream and dug in.
Tears streamed down her face. I can’t do this!