"Hey there." Joonas pulled me into a long friendly hug, his fluffy blonde hair was tickling my nose and I started to giggle. It was nice to finally have some more alone time with the talented guitarist as I felt like he was a really fun person to be around, but he was also very direct and honest and that was what I liked about him. The day we met I had a feeling that the two of us would get along perfectly and as it turned out my intuition didn't decieve me.
"Come in! What have you got there?" He pointed at the Box I had been holding with one arm the whole time and by now was desperate to get rid of. "Oh this?" I put the box down as my right arm slowly started to hurt because the box was indeed heavier than it looked. "Just old equipment from Aleksi. He asked me to give it to Joel. I'm gonna drop it off when I leave." I continued and wished I could just surpress the conflicted feelings that started to arise in me once his name left my lips.
"Ah right, yes. Joel told me that he wanted to get into producing. By the way are you hungry? I have some lasagna and stuffed vegetables in the oven. Should be ready in a couple of minutes." Joonas said as he led me through his beautiful apartment. Now that he mentioned it, I could smell an absolutely delicious scent that was filling the air and felt my stomach rumbling. So far I hadn't eaten anything today and if Joonas was just a slightly better chef than Aleksi and myself I could hardy deny the invite of the man with the blonde fluffy hair.
"Absolutely! I'm starving." I watched how Joonas turned off the oven and took the burning hot casserole dish in his bare hands. "Shit! Fuck!" He quickly carried the casserole dish to the dining table nearby while making a painful face. I could only imagine how much his hands were burning by the loud noises that escaped Joonas' mouth.
"Not you too Joonas. I already had to patch up Aleksi today when he cut himself on a piece of a broken plate." I sat down at the table right across from Joonas and watched how he was trying to ice his hands with a beer bottle, apparently without success as he still made a distorted face.
"Speaking of Aleksi, how is it going between you two? The last thing I heard from him was that the two of you got a little closer?" He raised one of his eyebrows, throwing a questioning look at me while putting some of the lasagna and the stuffed vegetables on the two plates infront of him.
Somehow I was really desperate to get everything that had been going through my head these last few days off my chest. When I really thought about it, I had no one in Finland that I could share this stuff with, but I trusted Joonas enough to be open and honest with him. He seemed like someone who could keep things to himself, other than Joel and apparently Aleksi too. Plus he knew the guys better than anyone.
"Yes we got a little closer, you could say that. I mean after I heard from Joel that Aleksi had feelings for me I was very confused. You know, Aleksi and I lived together for almost two years and he never told me. It took me a while to get used to the idea that maybe we could be more than good friends." I took a sip of the bottle that Joonas had tried to ice his hands with before I took a bite of the lasagna which actually tasted much better than I expected. Then again my standards weren't really high when it came to food. Aleksi and I were terrible at cooking and anyone that did it better than us was automatically above average.
"The thing is I don't think I am able to love him the way he loves me. I tried because I didn't want to see him hurt again, I really did. But I just can't. I told him today and he was pretty hurt, I just hope we can continue to be good friends. I know it's not going to be easy but I don't want to lose Aleksi. He's one of the people that are most important to me, seriously." Everytime I remembered the hurt in Aleksi's eyes it felt like a knife was slowly cutting deeper and deeper into my wounded heart. I experienced that painful sting in my chest again which made me freeze because it was the only way I could endure the pain until it slowly faded again.
"Wow that's heavy. But as someone who knows both of you pretty well by now I think it was the right decision to tell him. Otherwise you two would have lived a lie that probably would have ended up in you two hurting each other even more." Joonas' reassurance felt like balm for my soul. "Yeah you're probably right." I mumbled and took a big bite of the stuffed vegetables. I was glad that I had found someone I could share all my thoughts with, that I found someone who actually listened and could utter his thoughts on the situation from a more distant outside perspective.
"And how are you getting along with Joel? I know that he's been... well pretty rough on you." Yes I wanted to talk to Joonas about the thoughts that were keeping me awake at night but revealing to him what I thought about and especially felt for Joel still felt a little uncomfortable to share. After all he seemed to be the one that grew closest with the blonde tall man that made my life a living nightmare.
"Joel, well... How can I put this into words?" I layed down the silverware and started to crack my fingers nervously. I was feeling a little akward telling him how Joel acted around me but I desperately wanted to hear from him what his thoughts were on the situation that seemed to develop into a mess more and more, everytime I interacted with the rude finish man.
"To be honest with you I don't know where my head is at anymore. Everytime we talk we end up fighting, yelling and screaming at each other. He always picks on me, he mocks me, he makes me feel guilty and I hate that. I mean I hate him... But at the same time sometimes he gets so dangerously close to me and as much as I want to push him away and hate him, I can't, I just can't Joonas... He makes me feel things when I look at him I can't explain. I know I shouldn't have a single bit of kindness left for him after everything he did to me but... god he just makes me feel so alive, so electrified. I mean we hate each other, we totally do. He dispises me and I despise him just as much but at the same time everytime he looks at me there is something deep inside of me that just wishes he would just grab me and... God I hate this man, I hate him!" I had to stop myself right there. I didn't like the words that were coming out of my mouth, they were getting dangerously truthful.
"Oh no, this is bad." Joonas looked at me in concern. I really don't know what I had expected when I poured my heart out to him but this reaction made me panic and wish I would have just kept my thoughts to myself for this time. "Thank you Joonas, you're really helpful, you know." I said sarcastically and covered my face in shame.
"What is it about you women that you always fall for men that treat you like shit? Is that some kind of weird fetish?" Joonas looked at me in disbelief. He seemed concerned but he was also grinning like he was almost a little gloating to see me sitting like this infront of him.
"How the hell should I know Joonas?! All I know is I hate Joel but at the same I don't and it's killing me!" I was really frustraded and thumped with my fists on the table to emphasize how much I was really struggling inside.
"Listen, I can't tell you what to do or how to feel. I can just tell you that many girls before you have been attracted to him because of his cold, condescindig way for some reason. Just don't expect that you can change him Naomi. No one can. Joel never cared about other people's feelings. You see, I don't want you to end up like all the other girls before... Naomi, okay. So I'm warning you. Just forget it, forget him." I really didn't expect such serious words from Joonas. Then again he confirmed the image I had of Joel. That gave me another reason to hate him just a little more again, hoping the hate would surpress and consume every other feeling I felt when I looked at the tall blonde man.
"Yes I know, you're right. I am just going to continue to ignore him and hate him and everything will be fine. I can't get into another mess after what I just went through with Aleksi." I knew these words were easier said than done but what exactly were my choices right now?
When I thought about that I had to face Joel later, if I liked it or not, my stomach turned sick. I somehow felt an immense pressure on me now that Joonas was aware of what was going on inside me. But maybe that pressure was just what I needed to keep the feelings I wanted so desperately to hide in me until they were completely consumed by the hate I felt towards Joel.
Author's note:
That was fun to write I enjoyed to write a little bit more of interaction between Joonas and my oc. Of course he wants to warn her because he knows Joel best but we all know Naomi doesn't give a shit and will get herself in a huge gigantic mess with Joel like we all would lmao.
Also I discovered Joel's cover of shameless a few days ago and if you haven't listened to it already just trust me and listen to it, my life will never be the same anymore now that I heard it. It's my new religion. I immediately got wild and crazy ideas for this story PAHAHA.