I have a terrible headache and it's ruining my day. At least I know Tyler won't be too alone now that his dad is there. I offered him a room for him to stay at my place, but he seems a bit shy about the idea.
So I hold my head as I try hard to focus on my job. Nothing works. She's giving me some violent jabs that make my headache even worse.
I don't even look up when I see Anna come in. She quietly drops off a folder and walks out. She knows I'm not in a good mood and now she understands why.
But soon, I see Gail appear at my doorway. I let out a sigh and say, "I guess Anna told you I look horrible today?"
"She did mention you were a bit cranky. Lucky for you, I'm not afraid of you like she is sometimes."
I scoff at this and the atmosphere slowly turns light. I look up at her now and smile at her tender eyes. It brings me back to my mother and I quickly swallow down my tears.
"I'm okay. I have a headache."
"Is that the only ache you have?"
"No. She's quiet now but she was giving me violent kicks."
Gail does a small smile. "Trust me. You'll miss those karate kicks."
"I don't mind. She knows. That's why she takes advantage of my kindness."
Gail does a small laugh. "Just like her mama."
"Hey now," I say with a laugh. "Anyways. I really want a bed right now but...I can't..."
I run a tired hand down my face and tears start to run through my eyes. Gail takes a seat in front of me and reaches for my hand. Her eyes burn at me and I know she can see right through me.
"Something happened," she gently says. "I know you, Tessa."
There it is. She pokes my heart and I can't help but let those tears out. I quickly cover my mouth to hold in a sob and she holds onto my hand.
"My mom..." I can barely say it. It hurts so much and I don't know why.
Gail leans over and softly says, "She's back." I nod and she says, "What happened?"
"She...I don't know. I don't understand why she's here. She says she's back for me but..." I wipe angry tears away and say, "I feel like I'm back at the beginning."
"Trust the process."
These words make my heart stop crying. I furrow my brows at her and she just smiles. It's like I can see God through her shining eyes. His peace.
His hand in mine.
And just like that, my heart takes a soft breath. Throughout the day, I talk to Him. Tyler would tell me that anyone can talk to God at any moment of the day. So I quietly talk to Him in my thoughts. I wonder if He can hear my heart.
But I step out of work and ask for peace. My muscles ache so much.
God...I'm so tired...
When I park at my house, I look down at my phone and see my brother's number. I hesitate. Mom can be behind that call.
Then there's that feeling that makes my heart race. So I take the phone and hold in tears as I hear his voice.
"Hey, sis! How are you?"
"I'm fine," I softly say. "A bit tired. Do you need anything?"
"I wanted to visit you. If you're up to getting something or maybe I could crash at your place for a bit."
I scoff at the way he sounds like a teen. I lean back in my seat and put a tender hand on my dancing belly. This little bird has been so active today. It's like she knows something will happen.
"You're buying?" I playfully say.
"Yes. Anything to get a drink with you."
"Unfortunately alcohol isn't something this little one approves." I run a soft hand on my large belly with a smile and softly say, "Do I have a choice tonight?"
"No."
"I'm a bit tired, Jay. Maybe...why don't you come to my place? I could give you a tour of my place."
"Sure. That way I can meet the man that was able to trick you."
I let out a laugh. "Very funny. He won't join us tonight. He's busy."
I bite my bottom lip hoping that he's believed my lie. I made sure to call Tyler earlier today to let him know I was just going home for tonight. I will visit him tomorrow morning.
My brother says, "Okay. Then it'll just be us—"
"Just us," I firmly say. "No Mom."
He's silent and I know he must have his jaw clenched. But he still says, "Alright. Do you want me to bring anything? Any cravings?"
"Nope. Nothing. I really just want a bed, but I guess I have to hang out with you."
Jay laughs loudly and it makes my muscles relax as I go in my house. Just as I finish making a small table of snacks, Jay arrives. He raises a box of Lucky Charms cereal and it brings a smile to my face.
"I guess jam and cheese won't do tonight." I guide him inside after giving him a tight hug and prep two bowls of milk for us.
Jay quietly observes the place and I study his attire. He looks so nice as a businessman. I guess leaving for so long was worth it.
I sit by him at the table after giving him a tour and quietly eat our cereal. By the time I feel like awkwardness might take the best of us, I say, "So how's work? You seem..."
He chuckles when I can't find the words and shrugs. "It's been a good week. I have my own office already and even a nice secretary."
"Nice?! She's a girl."
"I didn't mean it like that, Tess—"
"You should get married already. No kids right?"
"No. I already have you for that."
"What's she like?"
"Tess," Jay says with the same annoyed tone he would use when we were young. "Don't start."
"I'm just saying," I say with a playful shrug. He does a small scoff and goes back to his cereal.
He's quieter than usual but I guess it's grown on him since Dad left. His voice is soft as he says, "Why couldn't your husband join us? I wanted to meet him."
I clear my throat as I come up with a lie. "He's been busy." I prefer to shove a spoonful of cereal before I say anything stupid.
"Mom said you were tight on money. Is that why he isn't here?"
My blood starts to boil at this but I keep steady. "What else did Mom tell you?"
"She made it clear that you were quite uncomfortable."
"Who wouldn't? I'm not like you. She shouldn't expect me to be Mr. GoldenBoy—"
Jay's eyes grow dark when he gets offended but he also stays steady as he says, "I don't understand what is your problem with Mom—"
"You missed out on a lot when you left, big brother."
Jay scoffs. "You left, too! What is the difference?!"
I look at him now with blazing anger. "Difference?! You never called back! You made it even harder for Mom, and I had to pay."
"What did she ever do to you? You had everything. You had her there. She worked hard for us!"
"For you because all she ever did when you left was drink. She lost her goddamn job! She forgot me just as you did—"
"And I guess your best solution was running away, right? Don't act so innocent that all you've ever wanted was to be independent even before Dad left."
"You taught me well."
"I went to study, Tessa!"
"Then why didn't you ever call?! I needed you!"
Jay clenches his jaw and does a firm nod. "Yes. I admit that it was wrong of me to disappear, but I was only going through so much with Dad leaving and—"
"And you think I didn't go through that?"
"Mom literally lost everything when you left! You were her help!"
"Don't speak when you weren't even there, Jay."
I stand with burning ears to put my plate in the sink and I turn to see him get up as well. His eyes burn as he says, "I wouldn't be surprised, Tessa. Mom told me how much you hurt her when I left."
I scoff at this. "Really? Is that what she said? Just because I went one night to a party? I dropped everything! My friends, my teen life just to make her feel better. But no. Of course her sorrow drowned her more. She would be gone for nights and days lost in her sorrow. Did she tell you that?!"
"No, but—"
"But nothing—"
"That's enough, Tessa!"
"No! I'm not a child anymore. You have no right to blame me when you weren't even there. I know what it is to suffer. I know exactly what it is to feel alone, and yet I don't dare to forget what's important!"
Jay laughs with angry eyes. "Really? You know sorrow? Do you know what it is for your husband to leave you alone? Do you know what it's like to feel lonely and in despair? You have everything, Tessa! And because you have it all, you were never capable of caring for those that don't—"
Something inside me explodes with a burning anger that makes me say, "My husband has cancer! He's left me several times and I can barely make it to paying my bills! So yes. I do know what it's like to feel despair!"
Jay's eyes soften for a moment before they burn again. If there's something about him, is that stubbornness runs through his veins. It runs through the family...
He points at me but before he speaks up, I angrily say, "You shouldn't even say anything, Jay. Please leave."
Angry tears now threaten to fall out as I hear him say, "That doesn't justify now. What if your husband were to ignore you? What if—"
"There's a big difference between Mom and me," I angrily say. "I don't forget my family!"
"Really?! Because why aren't you with your husband now? You barely have a single crib for your baby and a few clothes. How long are you? Seven months?! I know you, Tessa. You've always been very good at running away. You're not that different."
And just like that...I'm left silent. His words hit me like a slap in the face and it breaks my heart. Tears fall out on their own as Jay realizes what he's said.
He tries to come up to me but it's too late. I push past him and open the front door. I don't have to say anything to know that I want him far away.
Now I understand why the truth hurts. It gives me a sleepless night. It quiets down my little bird.
I'm a horrible person. No wonder God was so silent all this time...