chapter eighteen.
( forgiveness. )
Curled under the green blankets of Wally's single bed, Yue thought that, just maybe, she'd be able to forget about the simulation. She couldn't. She died.
It was vague, nothing more than a feeling and a flash of light because thank god M'gann didn't know what death by fiery explosion truly felt like enough to transmit the real feeling to her in that mind game they called a simulation, but whenever she closes her eyes, she can still see it.
That's enough, she thinks.
She doesn't need the true feeling of burning alive, she doesn't need to know what death really feels like because she can see it behind closed eyelids – she can see Wally and Dick disappearing in the explosion, she can remember watching Bruce die on the camera, and she can feel Superboy's pain through a mind-link that's been shut down since waking – and she knows it's enough for her.
She rolls onto her side, pressing her lips together for a moment before she whispers into the dark night. "You awake, Wal?"
Mary West, after Wally had brought Yue home and realised something was clearly different between the two, had decided that while Yue would take her son's bed, Wally would sleep on the floor for the night. So, buried under a pile of spare blankets from the back of the linen closet, Wally answers. "Yeah... I can't sleep."
"Me either," she murmurs. In a matter of seconds, Wally pushes back his blankets and then joins her under the sheets on his bed. He lays on his side, facing her as she stares at him with a sad smile. "Hi..."
"Hey." He grins, halfheartedly, then adjusts the pillow under his head to make himself comfortable. "Can I-" His smile falls as he stares into her eyes. "Can I ask you something, birdy?"
"Of course." With her cheek still pressed to the silk pillow under her face, she nods her head.
Silence washes over them for a moment, only the faint sounds of the neighbourhood at night echoing in the dark until he murmurs. "If you and Rob never came up with that plan, would you have still told me you loved me?" His question has her eyes widening in surprise. When she shakes her head in response, he frowns. "Why not?"
"I just- I thought you didn't feel the same." Her cheeks heat up in embarrassment as she explains. "I've been in love with you for years, Wally. I guess I kinda told myself I'd be fine with you not feeling the same as long as we were still friends."
"Years?" He breathes out, his face burning red as she talks. "I could barely keep quiet about it for a few months, let alone years."
"Months?" Her brows furrow as she tries to pinpoint the moment Wally has begun to change around her. When she can't, she glances back at him. "When did you know?"
"Remember that night in the Tower of Fate?" He questions. "Mr. Nelson was telling me about his wife, Inza, and he said something that made me think of you... Then you were there when I took the helmet off and I just knew."
Yue's lips parted in surprise. Kent Nelson's behaviour when she put the helmet on herself made sense now, all of his comments about Wally being her boy and how they reminded him of himself and his wife. "Do I get to know what he said?" She smiles softly. "Because he said a lot of things to me when I put the helmet on that I'd love to have some clarification for."
He hums, then leans forward to plant a soft kiss on her lips as he grins. "Nope," he answers simply with another quickly stolen kiss. "You just get to know that whatever he did say, it opened my eyes and now you're never getting rid of me."
Her gaze softens as his arm wraps around her back and pulls her closer. "You're a dork." She sinks into his warm embrace, resting her head against his chest.
"Yeah," he agrees without a complaint. "But I'm your dork now, and there's no take-backs." A calm silence fills the dark room as Wally's breaths begin to slow, his chest rising and falling under her head.
Maybe tomorrow they'd get to speak about their feelings outside of thinking they're about to die, but for now, she'd settle for sleeping, safe and sound, in his arms.
The Cave is silent, just like it had been for the past two weeks whenever the day of their League-mandated therapy sessions came around. Sitting beside Wally on the couch, his arm hanging behind her, Yue realises she hates this.
The silence is just too much.
She missed her friends. She missed their laughter, their horrible jokes, and the way they'd tease both her and Wally for finally confessing. "I have an idea," she starts, breaking the uncomfortable silence as the team glances her way. "We should have a movie night tonight. We can order some pizzas and I know Wal left movies behind last time."
"Oh!" Wally's eyes light up in excitement. "I think they're somewhere under all that," he waves his hand in the direction of the coffee table– where Conner had left his homework scattered across the wooden surface.
M'gann, standing in the kitchen with a distant look in her eyes, begins to nod her head. "I can make popcorn," she offers. "Or- or some cookies. There is a new recipe I've been meaning to try out from episode seven– it doesn't matter! I'd love for you all to try them."
"I think my mom needs me back by-" Artemis cuts herself off as she meets the gazes of her teammates; it was almost disturbing how the hopeful looks in each of their eyes made her heart stutter in her chest. "I guess she'll be fine if I come home an hour or two late..."
"Then it's a plan." Kaldur settles as he takes a seat on the couch across from Yue and Wally. His brows pinch together as he gazes toward the boy at his side. "As long as Robin is not in charge of the picking this time around."
"What?" Dick grins back at him. "Weren't you the first one to say you weren't scared by–?"
"I do not seem to recall this conversation." Kaldur crosses his arms and averts his gaze.
Yue's foot taps impatiently against the ground, even as she looks between her friends. Her appointment with the League's appointed therapist was next; it wasn't her first time in therapy, she vividly remembered sitting silently in Dr. Leslie Thompkin's office for an hour a week after her mother's death.
She didn't want to talk then, and she didn't want to talk now, either.
A hand moves to rest against her thigh, swiftly snapping the girl out of her thoughts as she stops tapping her foot and tilts her gaze up. Wally stares back at her with a reassuring smile– one that almost has her melting into his arms. Almost.
The sound of a door slamming in the hallway cuts the moment short, and Yue's head whips around in surprise. "Just leave me alone!" Conner shouts as he storms through the Cave's living room, barely acknowledging the existence of his teammates as Dinah follows him.
Black Canary lets out a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose in contemplation before her eyes flicker over to Yue. "Flamebird, if you're ready, then-"
"Yeah, let's just get this over with," Yue murmurs then spares another quick glance to Wally; he takes her hand as she stands up, squeezing it softly, before letting go as she moves to follow Dinah into the small office.
"Batman is..." Dinah pauses. She watches Yue fall into the green armchair across from her; it had been two weeks since the simulation, two weeks of therapy sessions with the team and she had made almost no progress with any of them. "He's worried about you, Yue."
She can't help but scoff as she's forced to remember the simulation. Crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back in her seat, her eyes narrowed at the hero sitting across from her, "If he was worried, he wouldn't have sent us into that simulation in the first place."
"So, you blame him for what happened." The woman notes, a frown tugging at her lips. "The simulation was designed for failure, remember?"
"That's supposed to make it better?" She spits. Her heart races with her anger and frustration; both at herself and Bruce. "Failing doesn't always mean..."
"Dying?" Dinah finishes her sentence with a raised brow. "It seems, for the last week, you've been skirting the topic. You died, Yue, it's okay to talk about what happened to-"
The explosion flashes through her mind. "–It was fake." It was fake, she repeats in her mind. It was fake, a simulation- and yet, it felt so real. The pain, the fear of staring death straight in the face. She had known since she was thirteen that death was just the price heroes paid for saving the world, but at that moment, she didn't want to pay it.
She didn't want her friends, her family, to pay.
"Maybe." She replies. "But just because it's not real now, doesn't mean it wasn't real to you when it happened."
Her hand twitches against the green cushion of the armchair she sits on, her brows pinch together and for the first time since the simulation a week ago, she begrudgingly lets go of her anger and talks. "Fine, it did feel real," she murmurs, crossing her arms around her legs as she pulls them onto the seat. "Every time I close my eyes, I see that explosion and I'm forced to remember what we did." Admitting it, her voice cracks and tears sting the corners of her eyes.
M'gann's cries resonate through her mind. In the moment, she had pushed through with the mission rather than comfort her friend– rather than grieve for the boy they sent to his death, she acted like nothing was wrong. Maybe part of her, deep down in the pits of her subconscious, knew it was a simulation; or maybe she was just making excuses for the heartless decisions she made in the attempt to be like her mentor.
"What did you do?" Dinah urges her to continue.
She swallows. "We... Robin and I knew we were sending Conner to die, and I kept telling myself it's what Batman would do." Her eyes fall onto the pot plant at her side and she takes to counting the small leaves as she continues, "I know Batman would sacrifice everything for the mission, and for the longest time, I thought that's what good heroes do."
Dinah sits there in silence, with a calming look that has Yue huffing out a sigh. "If I can't do it, if I can't be like him, how am I meant to be a good hero?" She mumbles. "I feel like I'm betraying him by doubting it, but... But I can't make that sacrifice. I can't be the Batman." A weight lifts from her shoulders as she lets herself admit it for the first time.
"Just because he's your mentor doesn't mean you have to agree with all of his decisions," Dinah states calmly. "He taught you what you know but you're not him, and you don't need to be. You're your own person, Yue, only you get to decide what being a good hero means for you."
"What if..." She frowns as she meets Black Canary's soft gaze, her arms tighten around her legs and she lets her gaze drop back to her kneecaps as she whispers, "What if he doesn't want me around anymore?"
The question had been on her mind a lot lately. She was a horrible hero who couldn't go through with a mission without regretting the sacrifices it took to get there, and the more she questioned his decisions, the more reason she found for him to abandon her.
"He's... Definitely something." Dinah replies with a deep breath. "It's hard to tell what he's thinking. But if I know anything about Bruce, it's that he cares about you like you're his own daughter, Yue."
Yue fights the urge to say he will; her mother left her, and her dad abandoned her for a cell in Blackgate. What if, even after three years, Bruce is no different? He'll find out she doubted him and he'll leave her like the others did.
"Yue," Dinah repeats her name in a firm, yet softened, tone. "Are you angry he sent you in there, or are you angry at him for dying?"
Her shoulders stiffen at the question, and for the nth time since entering the lead-lined office, she looks away from the woman with a frown. "I don't know what you're talking about," she shrugs her shoulders. It was easier like this, she thinks; she could admit her faults, she didn't want to but she could sit here all afternoon detailing the different things she should've done to save her team, but she couldn't answer that question.
She didn't know how.