Hey guys, amidst of exams and studying, I managed to get a chapter done. And it's Liam's POV😁
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Today at my therapy session, I confessed that I can't say those three words without having a panic attack. It was completely unplanned, but I'm glad I at least blurted it out. And Dr. May felt like this is important info.
For the first time in last few sessions, I wasn't shaking like a leaf when I left with my dad. And that does count as an improvement right?
I tell Zayn to meet me at the bench by the park and Baymax helps me with leading me the way. I know there is a road ahead and I'm hesitant to let Baymax cross it and pull me along. I hope the vehicles stop and let me way.
"Hey, do you need help crossing the road?" I hear someone ask me and the voice is weirdly familiar.
"Yeah" I nod, feeling so grateful for the person.
"Here, take my hand" er. I feel a warm, rough hand grab my hand and Baymax barks at the person.
"Baymax, be silent" I hush him as the guy tugs me along the pathway and I hear few brakes being hit by my right side.
"Thank you" I tell the person when I'm sure we have crossed the road. Will he please let go of my hand?
"Hey, Liam. You don't remember me?" He questions and I frown, having the urge to rip my hand away.
"I don't" I admit, but he sounds familiar.
"I'm Patrick. Remember me now?"
Shit.
Fuck shit.
"Hey-Hi, Patrick" I successfully take my hand back. Shit, if Zayn sees me with him, he is going to be so pissed.
"Hello" I hear the smile in his voice "You are headed to the park, right?"
I have complete intentions to say no and head back home. But Zayn will coming and I don't even have a phone to let him know not to come.
"Yeah" I sigh, tightening my grip on Baymax's leash when he tries to drag me away from Patrick. And he is still barking.
"My family is having a picnic there" Patrick tells me "I saw you waiting to cross the road so I came over to help"
"Oh" I nod "Thanks"
"Don't mention it" Patrick responds "Come on"
Instead of grabbing my hand, he takes my elbow and leads me somewhere.
"Patrick" I try to stop him "Where are we going?"
"My family is curious" he explains "And they need to know who you are"
"Patrick, no" I try to dig my feet into the ground to stop him "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Just as a friend, Liam" he assures "By the way, are you still with your boyfriend? What was his name again?"
"Zayn" I tell him. Oh god, what if he is here and watching me and Patrick? He is going to be so mad.
"Yeah, Zayn" I hear Patrick say, and he must be nodding "Does he treat you well?"
What the fuck?
"He treats me like a prince" I nothing but snap "He loves me very much"
"Whoa, I was just concerned" he says apologetically "He looked ready to murder me the other day, so I was wondering if he treats you harshly as well"
"If you hadn't back off, I'm pretty sure he would have punched you" I chuckle. "Be careful"
"Ow, I'm shaking in my knees" he mutters "Guys, meet my friend Liam"
I feel eyes on me and try to smile. But I'm never good with strangers and Patrick doesn't know that.
"Friend, eh?" I hear someone ask, sounding disinterested and suspicious.
"Just friend, dad" Patrick sighs, thankfully releasing my arm. I scoot down to grab Baymax in my arms and he licks my face, clearly concerned for me. He never ceases to amaze me.
"Nice to meet you, Liam" I hear a girl say, must be his sister.
"You too" I reply shortly. "Um, Patrick, I will see you later. Zayn should be here now"
"Oh, he is not though" he informs me "Let me give you a company"
And just like that, he leads me away from his family and we both sit on a bench.
"Sorry, but your father sounded a bit suspicious of you" I say slowly after few minutes of silence. "Of us'
"Er. Sorry about that" he apologizes. "You see, they are not accepting. They thought we are together or something. They saw the way I saw you"
Ugh.
"Tell them we are not together" I tell him.
"That's not the point, Liam" he says "They are suspicious that I'm into boys too"
"Aren't you?" I quiz, puzzled. "You were-" flirting with me, asked me out even.
"I'm still in closet" he confesses "I'm scared of their reactions. My sister knows, but my parents don't."
"They are homophobic?"
"Yeah"
"I'm sorry" I say, feeling bad. "It must be hard"
"It is" he agrees, sounding sad. "They look at LGBTQ people like they are some alien parasites. We had to leave a movie half way through because a gay couple was being too affectionate in front of us. Just imagine their reactions if they come to know their suspicions are true"
"They love you, Patrick"
"Not enough to accept me as I am" he sighs "Hey, your boyfriend is here. I better run before he crafts out a murder plan for me. It was nice talking to you, Liam"
"You too" I say and I feel him squeeze my shoulder before I hear footsteps. Baymax nudges into my neck, seeking attention. I pet him absently, realizing something.
"What is he doing here?!"
I jump at that and sigh when I truly hear how mad Zayn is.
"Zayn, he is here with parents for picnic" I tell him calmly.
"What did he want to say to you anyway?"
"He was just saying he is still closeted" I tell him, feeling his hand intertwining with mine.
"Why? He asked you out, didn't he? At the café"
"He did" I nod "But his parents don't know that, Zayn. They aren't that accepting it seems"
"Oh" I hear him say, and I don't know if he feels truly sympathetic
"Zayn?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm lucky, aren't I?" I ask him and I get silence as an answer. "Zayn, I was never into boys before you. But my dad, he just accepted me so easily. He didn't hate me more for being bi."
"He loves you, Liam"
"What I mean is" I take a deep breath in "He could have hated me for who I am. But he didn't, Zayn. I never realised how lucky I am for the way he accepted me easily. I had no trouble in coming out part, but people actually go through hell for it. I didn't have to. It must be so hard, but my dad didn't make it hard for me. He just accepted it with open mind and I'm...I'm lucky for that, right?"
"Oh" I hear him breathe out "Yeah. We both are lucky."
"Yeah" I agree. "I should be so thankful"
"Me too" I hear him sigh. "So, you wanted to see me. What is it?"
"I wasn't shaking in my shoes when I walked out of therapy session today" I tell him, smiling. "Yes, it's still terrifying. But I'm not shaking like a leaf at least"
"See? You can do it" he squeezes my hand. I expected a kiss from him, but he doesn't kiss me. I try not to think about it too much. But I feel like he has been acting weird around me since his birthday. I don't know how to pinpoint the reasons, but I can just feel it.
He hadn't kissed me more than ten times since then and it's worrying.
"Zayn" I start hesitantly "Are you mad at me?"
"What? No" he doesn't sound convincing at all "I'm not, Liam. Hey, your dad is wondering where you are. We should get back"
There it is again. The dodge of topic easily.
Gulping down my anxiety, I let him take my hand and lead the way back to my house. I ignore the mud Baymax is rubbing off on me with his paws, and try to figure out why Zayn actually sounds disappointed in me. I asked Harry about Zayn being weird, but I was terrified when Harry sounded equally disappointed in me. He didn't say anything than 'I don't know, mate' but I could hear the disappointment behind.
I asked Louis and Niall too. They both were clueless and I'm left confused and worried.
"Hello, Mr Payne" Zayn greets warmly upon entering my house and I feel like a stranger for a moment.
"Hi, Zayn. How are you?" I hear my father greet back as warmly and purse my lips. I'm happy they both are getting well, but I feel really worried about what's going on. Zayn didn't sound this warm when he greeted me today.
Instead he was pissed.
Setting Baymax on his feet, I ignore others and make my way to my room, climbing the stairs one by one. I sit down on my bed and rack my brain for possibilities. Why is Zayn mad at me? Disappointed in me? What have I done?
Is he realising I'm nothing but a burden slowly? Is he going to leave me?
I shake my head to myself. No, Zayn won't do it. My Zayn won't leave me.
But what else? What have I done? Zayn is clearly disappointed in me for some reason.
"Liam"
"Hey" I respond, bracing myself "Zayn, if I did something. I'm so sorry, please don't be disappointed in me"
"Liam..." he sighs and I feel him sit beside me. "I'm not disappointed in you"
"I'm not stupid, Zayn"
"You are not" he says "But I don't know why you get the feeling, Liam"
"Zayn, please" I say, gulping "I feel like something has broken in between us. And I don't know how that happened considering we didn't have any fights recently. Did I do something?"
He remains silent and I wait for him to speak. He does so, after few minutes.
"Liam" he says and I nod "You said you'd get anything for me for my birthday and I told you I will think about it, yeah?"
"Yeah..." I frown. What has it got to do with this? Is he disappointed I didn't get anything for him?
"I know what I want" he says and for some reason, he sounds anxious and nervous. And I tense at that.
"What is it?"
"I-I" He stutters and I gulp "I want you- I want you to agree for the surgery"
The first thing I feel is a big painful slash against my chest due to betrayal. My dad swore on me that he will tell no one about it, but he told Zayn. And second thing I feel is, I want to cry because I can't do this for Zayn. Not this, please.
I forgot, I made myself forget about it. Forced myself to never dream about seeing again. And it's only thing I succeeded so far, completely forgetting about my chances at seeing again.
"No" I shake my head, and I'm not surprised when I feel wetness in my cheek. "No, Zayn. I'm sorry"
"Liam, why not?"
"I just can't"
"Liam, please" he begs, sounding so desperate "I want you to be happy, Liam. Please, not everyone gets this chance. Why aren't you accepting it?"
I feel disappointment fill me to brim. "You don't know why I don't want it?"
"Liam, you know it's not your fault" he says firmly "It wasn't your fault, baby. You need to stop blaming yourself over it, Liam. It's called an accident for a reason"
I close my eyes tight and try to calm myself down. I should not take out my anger on him.
"Zayn, I said no and it's end of the topic" I tell him through strained voice. "Please don't ever try to get me agree for it again"
He remains silent and it's in this time that I curse at my inability to see. I don't know how he is feeling right now if doesn't talk up.
"Liam, please. I beg you" He literally begs and I feel fresh surge of tears drip down my cheeks.
"I can't"
"Why not, Bab-"
"BECAUSE I FUCKING DON'T DESERVE IT!"I shout out, losing it at last. "I don't deserve it, Zayn. I killed so many people. Yes, maybe it was an innocent mistake, but did you not see the consequences? I killed three other people along with my mom. Stella lost her brother because of me. A family lost their father because of me and they were left to struggle in absence of their father. He had three kids Zayn, and all of them are fatherless because of me"
"And when they are suffering out there, mourning for them till now, I cant fucking go and get my eyesight back. I don't deserve it, alright?"
"Besides, it will kill me if I ever get my eye sight again. I'm not strong enough to come back to this house and see all the traces my mum left behind, see the sadness in my dad's eyes that I can never make it go away. Or see her frames littering the walls, or see her cosmetic products my father still treasures, see her night cloths hanging in the closet. I will never survive it. It will damage me beyond repair. I may deserve the pain, but I don't deserve the ability to see this beautiful world again. Not when I made so many people's life miserable!"
I breathe hard from shouting so much. My dad must have heard me, and now he knows why I don't want this.
My surrounding basks in silence as I breathe hard, my face wet from tears, my heart pounding and my hands shaking by my thighs. I have no idea when I stood up.
"Liam..."
"I thought you might understand" I whisper. "I thought you will get it without making me say it"
"Liam-"
"Leave"
"Liam, please-"
"Please leave" I plead "I want to be alone"
"Liam"
"LEAVE!"
And I hear a small, resigned okay before hearing footsteps leaving my room. I wait until I hear the front door close before storming out of my room.
I don't know if my dad is in living room, but I go ahead and shout in it.
"You promised not to tell anyone!" I exclaim, tears pouring down my eyes. "You swore on me but you broke the promise. Why did you tell him?!"
"Because I know my son Liam is still in there" My dad sounds calm, as if he was expecting it. "I know I can bring back my Liam. I know I'm the fault you have lost love for yourself, Liam. And I have never regretted my actions so much. I'm sorry for making you feel like you are the reason"
"But you are not the reason Karen died" now I hear some tremble in his voice and hearing my mum's name after so long is like a physical blow. "It was an accident, Liam. Please stop blaming yourself. Do you think she will want you to be like this? Remain blind and blame yourself? She will want you to move on and be happy with your life. She will want her Liam to be happy Liam again like you were before the accident"
"That happy Liam died with her in the accident" I tell him.
With that, I walk away. I stumble thrice on my way up to my room and hit my chin to the stairs. It bleeds, but I ignore it and walk into my room. I slam the door shut, sag against it, and all the energy leaving me.
I break down then and there, my body shaking painfully with the sobs leaving my mouth. I hear something bump its head into my thigh. It's Baymax but I'm too lost in my head right now to pet him or pull him close. I feel him climb up on me and nudge his face to face, making painful whines.
I hold him in my arms and sob painfully, my eyes burning with it.
"Liam?" My dad knocks on the door. "Liam please open the door"
"Leave me alone" I whisper brokenly. "I want to be alone"
"Liam, please. Open the door"
He knew I cry myself to sleep freshly after getting blind. But he wasn't in state to console me. It has been years since he tried to console me. I want to let him in, but I feel betrayed.
"Liam I know you are mad at me" he says "I just want you to be happy. That's why I did it. I'm sorry for breaking the promise. I'm really sorry. Please open the door"
Standing up shakily, I open the door and he hugs me to him. When he pets my hair, it reminds me so much of mum that I start to sob again. Baymax is rubbing against my toe now, trying to console me one way or another.
"I killed her"
"You didn't" he shakes his head, his chin knocking into my head due to that "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but it wasn't your fault, Liam."
"But it killed mum. We lost her, you lost her" I point out through sobs.
"It was an accident, little bean" he says, sounding emotional himself. "It was an accident, a series of unexpected events. And we really didn't lose her, she is still here with us. In there"
He pats my chest, right over my heart and the action reminds me of Zayn. He said the same thing. And I took out all of my anger on him and kicked him out.
"Zayn is very hurt, isn't he?" I keep fucking up.
"I told him the consequences" my dad says "He was surprised, but he was ready for it."
And he won't stop until I agree to it. It went unspoken in between us.
I hug him closer, resting my head on his shoulder. He rubs my back and pets my hair until my sobs turn into hiccups.
"I'm sorry" It feels like all I do is apologize "I'm so sorry for yelling at you"
"I broke a promise, Liam" he points out "You don't have to apologize. I'm the one who should apologize. I'm sorry, little bean. I just want you to be happy again, be yourself again. Get over all of this guilt...."
"I'm trying, dad'
"I know" I feel him nod. "I'm so proud of you for still fighting, I'm so proud of you for never giving up."
Hearing it from him makes me want to cry again. But I try to gulp it down.
"I want to lie down" I pull back from him "Can I go to bed?"
He hesitates but agrees. I lie down on my bed, cuddling with teddy and Baymax. And my dad drapes the bed sheet over all us and presses a kiss to my forehead before leaving.
Harry knows it too, now. Zayn must have told him. No wonder Harry sounded so disappointed.
I want to talk to Harry, but I don't want to at the same time. I just want them both to forget about it altogether and get back to how the things were before.
But it's not that way.
I grab the voice recorder from under my pillow. Louis deleted my last recording (Trying to say I love you) upon my request and never asked me what the recording was about. I'm glad he didn't.
I press the recording on and lie back on the bed. I set the recorder by my head and start talking alone like an idiot.
"I just kicked Zayn out" I say, closing my eyes "And I regret it right now. I want him to hold me together, I crave him right now. But he must be hurt and mad at me. Not only did I hide it from him, I kicked him out when he tried to get me agree for it."
"But I can't" I shake my head to myself "The thought seeing everything again....it terrifies me. I admit, there is a part of me just wanting to agree to it. I will be able to see Zayn then, something I have wished for too many times now. But....I can't bring myself to it. I feel like I don't deserve it"
"My dad....Zayn....my friends...everyone say I'm not at fault. But it feels like I am. It's hard to accept that I'm innocent in this case. My dad lost my mum.....I lost her and I will never get her back. Just that single thought is sending me into another breakdown. I need you, mum. I miss you so much. I wish you were here with me. I feel lost right now. Zayn isn't here to wrap us up in our own bubble. I'm left to feel the pain. Too much pain, mum. Too much guilt and pain. I wish you were here...."
I wipe my eyes with bed sheet and cuddle closer to teddy.
"I wish it didn't happen" I continue "I wish I had been more careful. How painful is it? The last thing I ever saw is watching you die right in front me. Maybe I do deserve the pain....maybe I don't. But does it matter now? It's been four years now. But the pain still feels fresh whenever I think about you...."
"Do you think I will survive it mum?" I choke out "Seeing everything around here? All the places we went to together, all the frames you got to hang around the house....claiming I'm too cute and handsome. Everything around here would remind me of you and it would feel too painful, mum. I wish you were here to tell me everything will be alright and kiss my forehead. I wish you here to satisfy my endless need to cuddle. I wish you were here holding me, mum"
"But you are not here.....it's so hard to accept even if it's been so long. I still feel the same pain, it never seems less painful."
Baymax licks my face, and I hear him mewl, licking under my eyes.
"Baymax might know, I think" I say, reaching out to pet him "He might know the pain I feel. He is so amazing, mum. He is unbelievable sometimes...right now he can just curl around and go to sleep like any dog. But here he is, sitting by me and trying to console me. He must feel my pain, right? I love him so much, mum. He is the reason I'm still alive."
Baymax nudges into my chin and I wince when it burns. A knock in my door startles me and I grab the recorder to stop recording. After a minute or so, it opens. Is it my dad? I thought he left me to nap it away.
I'm proven wrong when sandalwood scent engulfs me, and an arm wraps around my waist, heat covering my back.
Zayn doesn't say anything, just holds me close, rubbing my stomach and nuzzling into my hair. I thought he left, but he didn't.
"I'm sorry" I whisper into teddy's neck. "I'm so sorry for kicking you out"
"Technically, you didn't" he says "I never left."
I nod and turn to face him. I must look horrible, my eyes swollen and my face pink, my chin bleeding. But Zayn is used to this look.
"Baby" he pulls me closer and I bury my face into his chest. "Baby, please don't cry"
"I hurt you again"
"No you did not" he insists "You were just hurt that Geoff broke your trust. You are human too Liam, you can't be nice to everyone. You feel anger too, you feel pain of betrayal too, yeah? And it's not your fault."
I nod. "I'm sorry though. I regretted it the next moment. I wished you were here to hold me close and make the pain go away, and here you are" I let out a watery chuckle.
"I will never leave you, Liam" he presses a kiss to my head "You are bleeding"
"I fell down on the stairs" I wince "I'm sorry if I got blood all over you"
"Shut up." He says "Come on, let's get you cleaned up"
He makes me sit before leaving. He comes back with a kit and starts cleaning my wound. After cleaning it and taping it, he cuddles with me again. But I needed much more intimacy in between us, I felt like he is too far away from me.
"Closer" I request and we can't get anymore closer, but well. He pulls me so close that our chests are flushed together. But I shake my head.
"Closer" I request again and I frown when he makes me sit. And something is tugged over my head. I smile when I realise he has wrapped us both in his sweater and he is not wearing anything else underneath it. I wrap my hands around his bare waist, and nuzzle into his skin. His skin is so warm and smooth beneath my hands and this is exactly that I needed.
Wrapping his arms around my neck, he lies us down again.
"Good now?"
"Very good" I press a kiss to his throat. I can feel the elastic stretched around our bodies and we are so close, and I love it so much.
"Great" he presses a kiss to my forehead and lets me be in silence. I fall asleep in his arms.
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"Liam, how did you get that wound?" Harry asks in worry the next day at school.
"I fell down on the stairs" I sigh.
"Be careful mate" Louis says and I feel him pat my shoulder.
"Okay" I nod. "Um, Harry. Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Yeah, of course" he agrees and whisks me away. "What is it?"
"I'm sorry" I tell him "For keeping it from you"
He didn't need me to elaborate what I'm talking about. "I can't say it's okay"
"I know"
"Why didn't you ever tell me about it?" he asks, sounding tired and hurt "Were you planning on telling us?"
I shake my head and I hear him sigh.
"Do you know how you can make up to me?"
"How?"
"Agree to it" he says and I close my eyes. "I'm not forcing you, I'm not pressuring you. Think about it, you can take all the time you want. Please just do it, okay? Talk to mum about it"
I never actually told mum about it. More like, I never told her tomb that.
"I will try" I say and he pats my shoulder. Wrapping his arm around my waist, he leads me the way to my first class. And drops me off. I spend the whole period wondering if I deserve to see again.
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"Do you wanna go out now?" Zayn asks me after school "It will help you take things off your mind"
"Yeah, maybe" I nod and sigh to myself. "Where are we going?"
"I'm not sure yet" he muses "Maybe we can go over to the pet shelter to see the puppies again?"
I smile. "I'd love that"
"Decided then"
I'm excited to see the puppies again. But a part of me is surprised how Zayn never blamed me for keeping such a huge secret from him. He had asked me so many times before and I lied to him. But he is not angry?
Yes, he was disappointed for few days, but after I actually shouted at him about the truth. But now....he is doing everything to cheer me up, never accusing me off keeping things from him. Is it me or is he really not angry with me?
"What is it?" he squeezes my hand to gain my attention.
"Are....aren't you mad at me?" I ask hesitantly. If he says yes, then I don't know how to react.
"For what?"
"For keeping it from you"
"Ah" I hear him say "Liam, yes, it...it hurt me to realise that. But after you told me why you truly don't want it, I can understand. I never thought of these things....home reminding me of your mother. It will be too painful Liam and you are just recovering, trying to move on. I won't make it even hard for you"
"So, you don't want me to agree to it as well?"
"Um, not really" he says slowly "I asked Geoff about it and he said the surgery can be done anytime, years past the injury too. So we have got time. I really want you to agree to it, Liam. But not so soon, okay?"
I nod. Of course.
"So now, to the pet shelter?"
"Yeah, to the pet shelter it is"
-----
It's not a surprise that it lifts my mood up, playing with so many puppies who love my attention. Zayn lets me play with them for nearly an hour, watching me across the room. In that moment when I was playing with them, I realised with a start that I felt like myself, the old me. I used to take so many pictures of puppies and dogs I find on road side before I turned blind. And play with them until I receive a call asking me where I was.
I loved to show my mum the pictures and she would let me rant about how cute it was and all.
Maybe...that part is in still in me.
When we leave the pet shelter, I can't stop pouting. Because if they let me, I will spend ages in there playing with puppies. But they won't let me.
Zayn has got homework to do and so do I. He drops me off at my doorstep after a lingering kiss. My heart jumps in surprise when I feel him sneak a hand under my shirt to caress my tattoo softly with his fingertips. My jeans stand in the way, but he pushes it down a bit to reveal the tattoo, all the while kissing me.
He asked me why I got the tattoo the very next day of showing it to him. I thought the message was clear.
And it was indeed clear. He just wanted me to say it.
That I belong to him.
Idiot.
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Here it is! Hope you guys liked the chapter and any predictions? Anyone?
Love ya. X