"We can go slow." Tommy's words the other night still hold my heart steadily in place. Moving slow. Treading forward at low speed, cautiously navigating the terrain. I told him slow would be good, because it would be, right?
I remember teaching Trevor to ride a bike. It was something my dad turned into a whole family event. Trevor had been chasing after Joe and I for months, trying to keep up with us, but his training wheels always slowed him down. He was so scared to let go of that added support, the buffer of added wheels. It took us half of summer and purposefully out racing him time and time again to convince him to take them off.
Mom brought out the lawn chair and fresh made lemonade. She set up a whole station for viewing and cheering him on. Joe, Dad, and I even added some pretty awesome lights to his spokes. I climbed on my bike flanking his right side while Joe had his left. Dad held onto the back of the bike while Trevor's eyes were glued in front of him. The look of determination was so dang cute on his little four year old face.
As he slowly pushed the pedal down, his hands began to shake on the bars. Dad pushed him a little harder, forcing him to pick up the necessary speed to stay stable. That look of determination turned to fear as his eyes widened. He quickly hit the brakes, shaking his head.
"That's too fast," he said, gripping the handle bars even harder.
"That's okay, honey," Mom shouted from the side. "Slow and steady. You'll get it, just take the time you need."
He looked back at her, nodding his head before looking back at the road. He tried a few more times, barely moving forward. I remember walking my bike to stay at his pace. I didn't mind it though. I knew it's what he needed to feel safe, to feel like he could do it on his own.
"Son," my dad began. "Slow and steady has a way of winning the race, but sometimes, you need a little momentum to get you off the ground. To trust when your gut is telling you that you're ready, even when your mind is trying to convince you otherwise."
Trevor's eyes flash to Joe's first. Being brothers has given them a special bond I haven't been able to compete with. Joe gives him a fist bump, exploding it as he pulls away. Trevor's eyes then glance to me. I give him a warm smile, knowing our bond is a lot different. It may not be one of two brothers, but I'm still here to protect him, always.
He smiles back at me before looking forward. "I'm ready, Dad," he nods. "Slow is good, but I'm ready to fly."
Those words stick out to me now. Slow is good. I can do slow with Tommy. Allow myself to dip my toes in the shallow ends of feelings. Feelings I never imagined being possible again. That's why slow is good. Slow is safe. Shit, slow is the exact opposite of what I think of when it comes to Tommy Sallow. Everything in me is begging to ignore the pain of my past and just do what I really want. But I know I can't rush this. I can't dive head first into something that already has me spinning. I've done that before. I've jumped without a parachute and I know how that ended.
My thoughts that whole damn day leading up to my date with Paul were on Tommy. From getting ready to driving to the restaurant to the very color of Paul's shirt. Everything circled back to him. I should have pieced it together a lot sooner. I think I knew. I knew exactly why I couldn't seem to get him out of my head, I still do. I'm just terrified of what it actually means. The way I've been leaning on him, the way he understands me, the feeling I get when his hand finds mine, those aren't just feelings of lust. It's not just an attraction that can be settled in one passionate night. What I'm developing with him is so much deeper. And that's the part that has me hesitating, has me stuck moving slow.
If I let myself fully go there with him, then I'm opening a door I can't close. It means making my heart vulnerable again. The last time I did that, it was trampled on, spun in a blender, and spit out on the pavement. Through everything with Vince, my heart actually got out the easiest. It's my head that's still mending the damage. Still trying to sort through newfound insecurities and fears that seem to have taken root deep in my mind. Those are the things that need healing the most. The very things that keep preventing me from falling again. And that's what it would be with Tommy. Falling.
God, I want to let myself fall so damn hard when it comes to him. I just don't know if I can.
After tucking Mia into bed and double checking that my mom is still good with me taking off for a couple hours, I make my way to Lacy's place. I still haven't had a chance to talk to her about her little set up the other night. I know she's quite proud of herself with the way she managed to end my night for me. If I'm being honest, I'm thankful for her scheme.
Trina is coming over tonight as well. I have a whole other kind of thank you to offer her for the first half of that night. I can't be completely upset with her. I mean, the date was truly awful, but it's that horrendous date that spurred the impromptu movie night that I actually enjoyed.
As I pull up to Lacy's, I sit in the driveway for just another brief moment. I know Lacy is going to pick my brain about this. I know she's going to wonder why I can't just take a leap and give it a try. I don't fully have an answer for her. Being scared isn't a good enough excuse. And after the other night, Tommy made it pretty clear that he's in. That his feelings have traveled past that line of friendship. So what do I do now? Do I proceed slowly, keeping one foot in the friendzone while I navigate the waters of feelings? Do I pull back and make sure we stay in that friendzone even though every other part of me is fighting to get out of it?
That's why I need this girls' night. I need to get out of my damn head and just have a little fun. Some laughs over the ridiculous persona that is Paul Jones and the epic failure of that encounter. To hear about the laughs of motherhood from Trina and the struggles and bliss of early love with Lacy. I just want a carefree night where I don't have to think about the complexities of my love life.
I take a deep breath before stepping out of my car and making my way up to the door. I hear another car pulling in and stop to see Trina stepping out. As she approaches, the door opens, bringing my attention back behind me to see Trevor stepping out.
"Hey," he says, taking a step forward to give me a quick hug.
"You headed out?" I ask as Trina springs up to my side.
My brother's eyes glance to hers before raising at me. "Hey, Trina, long time," he says, giving her a small smile.
"Shit, Trevor?" she asks, clearly giving him a once over. Lovely.
"Yep," he answers shortly.
"Well didn't you grow up nice," she smirks and I can't help but roll my eyes, giving her a nudge with my elbow.
"What? I may be married, but I do have eyes," she defends, causing Trevor to laugh while shaking his head.
"Anyway, you're heading out?" I ask again, hoping to actually get an answer this time.
"Yeah. I don't think you need me lingering around," he says just as Lacy joins us. She slides her hand around his waist as he automatically drapes an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his side. It's these small moments that warm my heart. To see my brother so happy and in love.
"I told him it's girls only tonight," Lacy smiles against his shoulder.
"Good," Trina speaks up now. "I don't know about you girls, but I need it."
I smile, knowing I freaking need it too. And I really don't feel like talking about my desire to feel Tommy pressed up against me while my brother's in the house. Damn. I never would have pictured myself falling for one of my brother's friends. If we want to get petty and technical, I knew him first.
"But hey," he speaks up again, flashing his eyes at each of us. "I don't want to get a call from Tommy tonight that I need to bail you all out."
Lacy pulls back, placing an exaggerated hand to her heart. I can't help but drop my jaw in shock as well.
"And why are you just assuming we'll get arrested tonight?" Lacy questions before I have the chance to.
"Because," he straightens, standing behind his accusation. "I happen to know exactly who each and every one of you was in high school. Nothing was ever off limits, especially when these two got together," he pauses to point to Trina and me. "Add you into the mix," he says, shifting his accusatory eyes to Lacy. "And I'm pretty sure something ridiculous is happening tonight. I'm just hoping it doesn't land you all in the back of a cop car."
"I'll have you know," Trina steps in now. "We're older now. With age comes wisdom. Which means, we're a hell of a lot smarter in covering our tracks now."
We all laugh at the fact that she doesn't even try to deny the fact that we could do something stupid tonight.
"Regardless," Lacy jumps in. "Tommy won't arrest us," she smiles, taking a step closer to him, placing her hand on his chest.
"I wouldn't put it past him," he smirks.
"We'll be careful," she smiles before extending up on her toes and kissing him quickly before turning back to us. "Let's go."
We make our way inside, settling around the kitchen counter as Lacy makes a drink for her and Trina.
"Okay," Trina begins, taking a sip from her glass. "You need to give me the scoop. All I know is that you bailed on a perfectly good date. I need to know what was so horrible that you had to run."
I roll my eyes, wishing I actually drank. I'm pretty sure my night of thinking about anything other than my current love life is not going to happen.
"For starters, he insisted I call him by his whole name, first and last," I begin. Trina's eyes pull together before jetting up, almost in as much disbelief as I was in that night.
"Did he at least have some type of like epic name or something?" she asks, trying to make sense of it.
I can't help but laugh at her question. His name is actually the polar opposite of epic. Two extremely ordinary, everyday, common names smashed up in one. "No," I shake my head. "Just Paul Jones."
"Paul Jones," she nods. "Okay, what else? I feel like the name thing can be overlooked."
I glance at Lacy who clearly has something she wants to say. I ignore her and her thoughts and continue. "He invited me to a party...on campus."
"No, he didn't!" Trina shouts, slamming her hand on the table.
"Yep," I nod. "In combination with some other choice comments he made, that was pretty much my last straw."
"I'm so sorry. But come on, that date wasn't to match you with your soulmate. And you have to admit he would have been great in bed."
"I'm pretty sure he would have spent the whole night trying to figure out where to place his hands," I joke, digging at his boyish features.
"Okay, so it was a flop. But give me a chance for a redo. I think I can find you a good one," she insists now.
My eyes flash to Lacy. I don't know exactly how to explain the fact that I'm not interested in another date, not with another random guy. The thing is, I don't really know what I'm ready for. Okay, that's a lie. I know exactly what I'm ready for, what I want, what I can't seem to stop fantasizing over, and who would most definitely know what to do with his hands. But we agreed to move slow. I need that right now. So how do I explain that to these two?
"Why don't you tell her how your night ended," Lacy's sly smile stretches across her face now.
"Wait," Trina jumps in. "You're telling me Paul Jones wasn't how your night ended? How am I just now hearing about this?"
When my only response is to laugh, Trina's eyes shoot to Lacy's trying to get the information from her. She takes a sip before smiling. "Let's just say," she begins. "When you dropped the ball, I picked it up."
I can't help but roll my eyes again, even though I am most definitely pleased with Lacy's ability to see what I really wanted and make that night exactly what I needed, even before I realized it myself.
"Okay, I need details," Trina continues to prod.
"There's really not much to say." There's a lot to say. "She sent Tommy to come get me and we decided the night was still young, and since we're friends we figured we might as well enjoy the rest of the night together."
Trina's eyes shoot from mine to Lacy's, clearly not buying my nonchalant attitude about it all.
"So you're telling me that you have absolutely no feelings beyond friendship for Tommy?" Lacy asks now, looking only at me.
I can feel a sense of panic and uncertainty. What I feel is more than I ever would have pictured for myself after I left Vince. When I walked away from him, I never imagined myself finding someone again. I always figured that was it for me. He was the choice I made and it was a poor one. It gave me Mia, and maybe that's all it was ever meant to give me. I was okay with that. Until those blue eyes came waltzing into my life. Now I'm a big bundle of swirling feelings that I don't even know how to process.
"I can't say there's no feelings," I quietly respond, realizing that maybe what I need is to finally let my confusion be sorted by someone else.
Lacy's smile widens before she straightens up. "Okay," she treads lightly. "So then what's stopping you from moving forward with him?"
I let out a breath. I look between the two of them, waiting for me to say something. I want to. I want to tell them everything that's happened during our walks on the beach. The way he expressed where he's at, and the way my heart has this ridiculous flutter when he grabs my hand. The thing is, I feel like all of those things are ours. And I like that those small moments are between the two of us. At least for now.
"I've been through a lot," I finally spit out. "I'm still going through it. To be honest, I'm still barely hanging on. Between taking on a second job and trying to give everything to Mia that she had in New York, it's just been a lot to take on. I don't know if now is the time to add a relationship into it. I don't know, I just feel like it's selfish of me to distract myself like that."
They don't say anything at first. I look between their quiet faces knowing that I've made a valid point. Lacy is the first one to speak. "Can you honestly say you're not already distracted?"
I look at her, knowing she's right. I have been distracted. My thoughts are already consumed by him. But it would be even more so if I let myself go there. I mean, how do I date? How do I use any extra free time to be with him? Shouldn't I be with Mia?
"Hey," Trina jumps in now. "You're an amazing mom. You've already proven that, and Mia loves you. But you'd be an even better one if you allowed yourself to be happy. Even if that means being a little selfish sometimes. I think all moms should be a little more selfish. You can't give everything to your kids if you're not taking care of yourself first."
Shit. I know she's right. I really do. I know that the only times I've been truly happy, free of all stress is when I'm walking with him on that beach. I just don't know if I can let myself be consumed again, if I can let myself fall without losing myself like I did with Vince.
"Hey," Lacy says, placing her hand on my knee. "I get it. You need time. So take it. Take what you need but also know that it's okay to go there. It's okay to let someone else see those parts of you. And speaking from someone who was terrified to let her walls down, it's so fucking worth it when you do. When you're ready."
I slowly nod, letting a small smile acknowledge what she's saying. This is exactly what I needed tonight. I needed the comfort of friends.
"With that said," Lacy says now, straightening herself up. "I think it's time you let your hair down. Both literally and metaphorically," she smiles.
I give her a side glance as I look at a now smiling Trina. This doesn't sound good. "What exactly are you thinking?" I question.
Lacy's smile turns a bit evil as she glances from me to Trina. "You ever howled at the moon?"
My eyes go wide before I join her in her evil grin. I glance at Trina to see the same wicked smile on her face.
"You're kidding, right?" Trina laughs. "Every single questionable decision I made as a teen was the idea of this one over here," she gestures to me. "From fucking midnight swims in the ocean to climbing that sketchy ass bridge just to claim our fame to tradition, she was always leader."
I laugh at the memories. I don't even know how I managed midnight swims when I was younger. I guess when you're a teen you have a bit of invincibility about you. An indestructible suit of armor that allows you to do crazy, stupid shit that no sane person would even think of.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I ask, looking back at Lacy now.
"It's a full moon," she shrugs. "And I think you could use a good distraction."
"This night just got so much better," Trina jumps up. "You do know Old Man Henry watches it like a hawk now though, right? I swear it's become his obsession. One small movement and he's got the police department on speed dial."
"Well then it's a good thing we're older and wiser, isn't it?" I ask, using Trina's words from earlier. "Besides, my brother's already expecting a call from us behind bars, might as well follow through."
"I knew you had a wild side hidden in there somewhere," Lacy smiles. If only she knew the half of it. "Now really, let your hair down and let's go."
~~~
We make our way to the bridge, now all dressed in black like that's really going to hide us in the neon beam of the moon.
Howling at the moon in this town is a right of passage. It's sketchy as hell on this old rickety thing. There's a few missing beams and the iron is all rusted, but it only adds to the thrill of it all. To be honest, it's probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever done, not to mention it's actually pretty dangerous. But you can't be considered a local in this town without making your way to the top and howling like a fool at the moon.
I'm proud to say I've never been caught either. Came close a few times, but we always managed to dip out before the cops could make it up the bridge to meet us. I don't think any of them have found a way to sneak onto this thing without being seen. Something I've always used to my advantage in evading the uniform.
We walk along the edge, probably closer than we should, especially since Trina and Lacy have had their fair share of alcohol at this point.
"You guys good?" I ask, looking back at the two giggling girls behind me. "I know we joked about calling Trevor to bail us out, but I would really like not to have to call him to revive any of you."
Lacy laughs louder this time causing Trina to snort. I can't help but roll my eyes while joining in their joy. "I have done this a million times," Lacy says now. "Although...maybe you should call your brother. I've actually never done this with him..."
She has a small smile on her face and it takes me all of two seconds to get where she's going. "Nope," I say, shaking my head. "You don't get to have those thoughts with me around."
"Oh, I like where this is going," Trina speaks up now. "You know, Owen and I snuck up here once. Howled like idiots and made true to the teenage hormones right back there."
I can't help but shake my head. I remember her telling me about that. At the time, I thought they were crazy, but I don't know. I think the young spontaneity of it all is what helped them last. Honestly, I'm sure they still have that spark.
"How about you, Amber?" Lacy asks, looking over at me. "What's your memories of this place?"
I think about her question. I have a few good ones. The first time was with my twin brother, Joe. We were ten, way younger than we should have been to come out here alone. We had heard about kids coming up here and always wanted to experience it, but I was so freaking scared of getting caught. After our birth dad finally reached out for the first time in our life, Joe convinced me to live a little, to just let go. He promised to stay by my side, and he did, at least that night. We climbed up, taking the back trail hidden in the trees. I remember the air being colder, but I also remember the clear view of the moon across the ocean. It was absolutely ridiculous and crazy, but it was also so freeing. That moment of being up there, looking over the quiet town, knowing that you were doing something you shouldn't be, that made everything else fade away.
I don't share that memory though. That one's for him and I. "Um, well, believe it or not, my uncle is the first one to ever get caught up here."
"No way," Lacy says now. "Your uncle is Crazy Pete? How did I not already know this?"
I laugh at his nickname. He only got it after that night. Actually, it's not technically illegal to be up here. The cops get called out simply because of the danger of it all. They just give you a warning and tell you to get on with your night. At least that's what I've heard, seeing as I'm an expert at getting away. My uncle, though, he decided a little taunting and trick show would make for a better night. Landed him in cuffs, but it also made him the talk of the town.
"Unfortunately, yes," I laugh. "But he did teach me to be smart about it."
"Is that why we took the back trail?" she asks, pointing behind us. I just nod. "Smart," she acknowledges. "My first time up here," she begins. "I was with a group after a party. Probably not the smartest thing because one kid fell."
"Oh shit," Trina jumps in. "I heard about that! I can't believe he didn't get more seriously injured."
"Yeah, well, he's lucky he fell on his climb up and not from the top. The cops really started cracking down after that."
Great, I think to myself. The last thing I need is to actually get caught tonight.
"Alright," Trina whispers beside me. "Who's doing the honors?"
I ignore the pull at my gut and step forward. I've always been the first to howl. I don't know why, but it's just a feeling when you get up here. Just as I step forward, ready to give it my best, a flashlight shines on the back of us. I nearly jump, stumbling a bit but catching my footing. As I slowly turn to see the badge glowing in the light of the moon, my heart jolts. You have got to be kidding me. Either I've gotten careless, or the cops around here have gotten smarter over the years.
I squint beyond the light flashing brightly between us when I see him. I slowly slide my eyes up to the deep blues staring back at me.
"What do you know," Lacy jokes from beside me. "It's Tommy fucking Sallow."
I smile at the way she says his name. Tommy fucking Sallow is right.
"Ladies..." he smirks, causing a jump in my heart.
"Wait," Trina whispers to Lacy, though her drunken volume is nowhere near an actual whisper. "That's Tommy? What the hell did I go setting her up for when she has that?"
"Trina!" I attempt to quiet her. I can hear Lacy laughing, but I don't look at either one of them. Subtlety is not on their side tonight.
"I've been wondering that same thing," he smiles, looking directly at me, causing a whole swarm of butterflies to take flight.
My eyes leave his for a brief moment, raking over that damn uniform. The thing about uniforms is they used to scare me. They used to cause me to barricade my insecurities, to put on a front, to hide every piece of me. But looking back at Tommy now, taking in the sight in front of me, I can't help but feel a whole different wave of feelings. Ones that have me questioning the definition of slow. Wondering how long my mind will silence the feeling in my gut. Trevor's words that day on his bike ring through my head, "Slow is good, but I'm ready to fly." And suddenly, it hits me as I take in those ocean blues...I know that it won't be long before I'm ready to fly too.