Thank you for your patience! Exam week is next week and I'm currently packed with assignments, sorry this took a little longer than I expected. Love you all<3 enjoy
A terrible headache, a sleepless night and a brain full of thoughts Taylor couldn't quite silence. That was the way she woke up that day.
The day when it happened.
Rubbing the sleep out her eyes she sat up in her hospital bed. The curtains were drawn all the way around, cutting her off from the rest of the ward.
The room was warm, Taylor noticed it specifically. She thought maybe that spring was finally creeping up through the grimy cracks of Jersey.
She stretched her arms above her head. Today she had a chemo session booked and then later she was scheduled for a check up with Dr. Hames. Overall she could tell that it was going to be a tiring day
After slipping on socks, she sat on the end of her bed. Sitting idle for a moment Taylor tried to ignore the pounding in her brain. She leant forward so her hands cradled her head as the pain coursed. Running all through the front of her head before concentrating on the spot that hit the floor.
Her IV was supposedly dripping morphine to help ease the pain, but even as she watched the clear liquid trickle down the tube she couldn't feel a difference.
"Miss Francis?"
The voice of a nurse came from behind the curtain. The sound of her pulling it open brought Taylor's head up from her palms.
"Oh dear" the nurse muttered
"Morphine not doing the trick, huh?"
Taylor shook her head. "No, not yet"
She closed the divider behind her, as if it stopped the outside from hearing them
The nurse had grey hair, styles into a pixie cut and thin-rimmed glasses that perched on the bride of her nose. She couldn't have been more than sixty but her hands were worn and deep lines ran over her forehead.
"Would you like me to up the dose a little or are you okay with waiting to see if it kicks in?" She asked
Taylor grimaced. "No, i'm good thanks. I think I'm gonna take a shower and if its still sore then ill ask for more"
The nurse nodded. "Well I'm just here to let you know your meeting with Dr. Hames was brought forward to three o'clock, and that your chemo session starts at eleven"
"How long is it?" Taylor asked, not wanting to be there for most of her day
"Shouldn't be more than an hour, you'll be out in time for lunch." She replied, a thin lipped smile plastered her face.
Taylor thought about the hospital lunch. She hadn't been very hungry the past few days and couldn't tell if it was the terrible food or just another symptom of chemotherapy.
The nurse let her be after that. Taylor sometimes wondered what the nurses thought of her. She never spoke much to anyone and had a history of breaking into record rooms with her friend. As far as first impressions went, she didn't rank high on the list.
Pushing herself off the bed she exited the curtain barrier with clothes tucked under her arm and her ipod in the pocket of the flannel Red gave her. It was actually quite warm.
Pushing the curtain aside she saw Quinn reading another Teen Choice Awards magazine.
"Hey Taylor, how's it going?" They asked, without looking up from the magazine.
she shrugged. "Been worse"
They looked up from the glossy pages. "Worse than the cancer?" They asked suspiciously
She thought of being lied to her whole life, she thought of losing Lily
They met Taylor's eyes and almost stared through her for a second.
She stared Quinn dead in the face. "Way worse than the cancer"
They didn't say anything back. What could they have said to something like that?
"I'm gonna go shower" Taylor said, ending the silence between them. "See you in the session?"
Quinn nodded. "I'll tell you about the drama between Miley and Nick"
Taylor pulled a confused face. "Nick...?"
Quinn slapped the magazine shut in shock. Shoving the front cover towards her, they tapped their finger on a small bubble in the corner of the page.
"Nick Jonas? The Jonas Brothers?" They asked incredulously
Taylor shrugged. "Not ringing a bell, sorry"
Quinn's mouth dropped open. To them, the Jonas Brothers were the best thing to ever grace the earth. "Have you not seen their debut on Hannah Montana? Where have you been the past five months?"
"Disney men just isn't really my lane" Taylor said, winding her friend up on purpose.
"Oh my god I'm gonna fucking-"
"What? You're gonna what?" She laughed. "Hit me with your magazine?"
"You're being a dick on purpose" Quinn chided, opening their magazine back up and ignoring Taylor completely.
She laughed at Quinns pettiness. Nick Jonas really was a Disney boy and there was nothing they could say to change her mind.
Walking in socks down the passage to the bathrooms Taylor didn't pass anyone. It was nice. Ever since she stepped foot here it had never felt like she truly got the space to be alone.
The bathrooms were also empty. The sound of dripping water came from inside a stall and the smell of mildew lingered in the air. It reminded her of a gym bathroom. The tiles were clean at first glance but if you looked hard enough you'd see all the grime in between the tiles.
Climbing in the stall she stripped her clothes and hung them over the stall door along with her fresh clothes and a towel.
The water ran at an incredibly low pressure, but it was warm and it was clean, so who was she to complain. The soap dispenser on the wall was almost empty. It had some weird off brand liquid soap in it but Taylor manged to just skim enough for one shower.
She had just washed her hair not that long ago so she didn't feel the need to wash it again but it was almost impossible not to get her hair wet in a shower this small. So, she let the water flow over her head and trickle down to the drain below her.
Taylor ran her fingers through the tangle of purple. She was expecting to pull out hair, like she had been doing for the past week or so. It was chemotherapy, she'd be stupid not to.
However, she wasn't expecting to pull out more than the usual. In her hand was a clump of stringy purple hair. Hair that had come straight from her head.
She felt her heart sink to the floor. Tears felt indistinguishable from the water flowing from above her but the choking sob coming from the back of her throat made her stomach twist in on itself.
"No, not today" she whispered. "please, not today"
There was no way she could go another day ignoring it.
Abruptly, Taylor switched the shower off. Her nose dripped water as she wrapped the towel around her and stepped out. The mirror was misty as she stepped up to it. She wiped off a section with her hand and stared at the reflection.
Her hair was plastered to the side of her face. It was thinner than ever and it felt like straw. Lifting her finger to her head she combed through the mess. Parting it on the side to try and find anything that still looked the same.
Taylor wiped the mirror again. Maybe it was just misty. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it looked. She moved over to the furthest mirror from her shower stall. It had the least condensation.
But even then, when the mirror was clear. Her hair was patchy and thin. Taylor watched as her tears ran down her face and blended in with the water that hadn't dried from the shower.
Walking quickly back to her stall she grabbed her clothes and threw them on, the fabric sticking to her legs as she pulled on her jeans.
Once everything was on she felt the water from her hair bleed through her shirt and onto her back. Making her cold.
The hair on her arms rose up as she stood in the center on the hospital bathroom. She wrapped Red's flannel around her as she tried to control her breathing. It was really happening.
She was about to shave her head.
Her eyes fell upon a supply closet on her far right. It was a wooden door with a handwritten note that read 'Staff only'
With her hair leaving a trail of water behind her, she made a b-line directly to the door.
It was a supply closet in a cancer ward bathroom, they were bound to have something.
The closet was packed with cleaning supplies on pretty much every shelf. Sponges, cloths, and all of it smelt strongly of detergent.
Past the mop was a small basket full of trinkets. Hand sanitizer, empty soap packets, hair clips.
Taylor scoffed. The irony of finding hair clips in her situation.
At the very bottom of the basket was hair clippers, they were dusty and probably two years old. Taylor stared at them as if they'd blink and stare back. It was sleek and black with silver detailing. A harmless tool that meant absolutely nothing to the average person.
But to Taylor it meant everything. It meant it was all real. It meant it was all over.
Almost unconsciously, she raised a hand to the ends of her hair. She twisted it around her finger and felt the water squeeze out and run down her hand.
She couldn't ignore it.
"I'm sorry, Lily" Taylor whispered.
Uncontrollable tears fell from her eyes. It hurt so bad.
Dying her hair purple was her way of feeling close to Lily. It was her one way of feeling like she wasn't completely gone. And now it was over. It was going away just like Lily had.
"I'm so sorry" she cried as she held the hair clippers tightly in both hands.
The clippers were attached to a two pin plug. At the far side of the bathroom was a place to plug in a hair dryer. The clippers would fit there. Her stomach sunk.
It was a funny feeling. Knowing you were about to do something that would cause you so much pain you're not sure if you'll be able to take it.
It was almost impossible to describe the feeling but it reminded her of when she cooked dinner for herself one night, Ruby had left a few hours ago and probably wouldn't be home until Taylor fell asleep. It was her twelfth birthday and she was alone in the house. The street lights had turned on and she watched the news as she ate her dinner alone in the lounge.
She remembered feeling so sad it almost made her sick. Her food wasn't appetizing anymore so she left it sitting on the coffee table. She cried almost the whole night. Being alone on her birthday was something so significant that she never forgot what it felt like.
It was a deep sense of being alone.
She felt like that in this moment. With the clippers buzzing in one hand. Ready to take away the only attachment she had left to the only person who cared enough to stick around.
And it hurt. It hurt so much. It stung her eyes and constricted her throat. It felt like her body was ready to give out.
The hair clippers continued to buzz in her hand. Threatening everything she had left.
Taylor brought them to her head. Her heart was pounding in her chest and blood rushed to her ears. It was four inches away from no turning back.
Three
Two
Taylor took a deep breath. "I can do this"
An inch away and her arm froze. She stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair was starting to dry now and there were strands that were sticking up above her head.
It was almost exactly the same shade.
"I can't do this" she whispered
The hair clippers clamored to the floor, still buzzing.
She buried her face in her hands and let out a whimper. She couldn't do it.
"I'm sorry, Lily" she sobbed into the palm of her hand.
Taylor sunk to the tiled floor, unable to keep herself up. The back of her shirt was still wet and caused her to shiver. She wrapped her arms around her stomach as she felt shallow breaths jerk her chest.
Her whole body shook, but not from being cold. She couldn't hear anything but the sound of her own panicked heart beat in her ears.
Stumbling for her ipod she pulled it out of the flannel pocket. She almost dropped it trying to find Gerard's number.
It run once, twice, three times before he picked up.
"Hello?" The sound of his voice hit her like a wave of relief.
He sounded like he had just woken up. Taylor was willing to bet that he had been sleeping.
"Gerard?" Taylor breathed into the phone.
Gerard sat up in his bed. Lindsey was still asleep next to him. "Taylor?" He whipsered down the line.
"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" He was suddenly more awake at the thought of her needing help.
Taylor bit her lip as the phone pressed against the side of her face. The screen was cold, only adding to her shivering.
"Can you come here please? I'm sorry I would've handled it but I just-"
"Hey" Gerard's voice was gentle. He swung his legs out from the covers and felt the floor under him "Its okay dont apologize. You can always ask for help okay?"
He held the phone to his ear using his shoulder so he could put on socks.
"Whats going on, Tay?" He asked, he could hear the sound of her breathing through the line and it was sounding all too familiar to him. He just wanted to focus on keeping her calm.
"I- I can't do it, Gee. I can't do it, I'm sorry" she cried.
Gerard heart rate sped up. "Do what? what can't you do?"
His mind flashed to the worst thing he could think of. It made his stomach twist.
"Please" she begged. "Please hurry"
Gerard felt dizzy as he pulled on a jacket. "Okay Tay, I'm on my way now. Hang on, Its gonna be alright"
Taylor hugged her knees close to her. She had kicked the clippers away from her so that they skidded across the floor as far as its chord would allow.
"Hurry" she whispered.
She hung up after that. She couldn't keep herself together for long enough to stay on the phone. She broke down in big sobs and gasps for air. Cupping her hands over her mouth was the only way she could stop herself from making any noise.
(Gerard pov)
"Who was that?" Lindsey croaked from under the covers.
"Taylor" he answered, already tying his shoelaces.
She propped herself up on her elbow "Is everything alright?" She asked.
"I'm not sure" his voice was rough with concern. He wasn't sure why she was so upset, and he was almost scared to find out.
"Okay, well be safe" Lindsey replied hesitantly. She didn't know yet that Gerard had known Taylor for a lot longer than he said.
Gerard smiled at her. They'd been seeing each other for a few weeks now, only Mikey knew about them. It was still very new and they were still figuring it out.
He walked towards her and leant over the bed to give her a quick peck on the forehead. "Won't be too long" he said.
"Dont rush. She needs you, you should be there. I understand"
Gerard looked into her eyes and smiled warmly. "Thank you."
Straightening up he grabbed his keys next to the bed and pocketed them. He left the bedroom and before he had reached the end of the hallway, Lindsey had rolled over and gone back to sleep.
Outside was warm, he noticed it specifically. But he didn't have time to notice the weather. Instead he climbed into his car and prayed Taylor was okay.
He drove quickly. Weaving through traffic and ignoring angry drivers giving him the finger through their windows. He didn't care. He just needed to get there.
She sounded so panicked. Whatever happened really upset her.
I cant do it, I'm sorry, Gee.
Taylor's words echoed in his mind. He wasn't sure what she meant and it was driving him insane. He started to panic. He accelerated faster, his knuckles white against the steering wheel.
He came to a screeching holt just outside Columbus Hospital. He didn't think to take anything with him, he didn't even bother taking the keys out the ignition.
He just ran towards the double doors of the waiting room.
He burst through, causing the receptionist to jump in her seat.
"Good grief" she muttered.
Gerard stumbled to the desk and laid his hands flat on the surface. "I need to see someone" he blurted out, trying to keep his breathing in check from running.
"Sir-" the receptionist started.
"Now please" his voice was desperate.
"The visiting hours aren't until twelve, you'll have to wait" she gestured to the chairs and couch in the waiting room.
"No, you don't understand" Gerard urged. "She needs me"
The receptionist studied his frantic face. She was hesitant. She sensed something about the situation was urgent but she also wanted to do her job. She seemed to be on the fence about letting him in.
"Please" he begged
"Sir I cant-"
"Please, just let me see her"
The receptionist leant forward in her chair. "I'm sorry sir I just can't let you in"
Gerard clenched his jaw. "She- she's my daughter. Please, just let me get to her"
Realization dawned her face. She
debated with herself for a few seconds.
"Okay fine" she decided "but go quickly"
Gerard felt his head rush as a massive amount of relief broke over him.
"Thank you so much" He breathed.
He sprinted for the elevator and pushed the button desperately. When it didn't arrive he swore under his breath. He was running out of time.
"Take the fire stairs" The receptionist called. "And I never saw a thing"
Gerard made a mental note to seriously thank her after this.
He ran for the fire escape stairs and almost tripped over his own feet trying to get there fast enough. The green metal under him would not be forgiving on his shins if he fell.
His hairline began to sweat as he grew near to the first floor. He'd ran pretty much all the way from his car to the first floor of the Hospital.
Gerard slammed his palms against the door with the neon 'fire escape' sign. It swung open and immediately he was met with the startled stare of an elderly patient.
"You can't run in here!" She scolded at him
But he was already too far down the passage to care.
He sprinted at full speed to Ward 4 and entered with a wild look on his face. Breathing heavily and panicked he spotted Quinn packing a bag with magazines and other things inside.
Quinn looked up at the disturbance that had just entered
"Oh- its you, hi there" they waved.
Gerard didn't have time for greeting right now. Taylor needed help.
"Have you seen-"
"In the showers" they sighed. "Y'know, you should really get a GPS for her if you lose her that easily"
Gerard thanked them but Quinn had already stuck their head down and continued packing.
Gerard was panting for air by the time he reached the bathroom door. His heart was racing and all the possibilities were circling through his head. He was panicked.
"Taylor!" He called before throwing open the barrier between him and her.
He stopped once he was inside. Sitting on the floor, huddled up in a corner was a shaking girl with purple hair.
He rushed to her, almost skinning his knees as he dropped to her level. The bathroom had the reminiscent of steam and he could see that her hair was still damp.
Taylor looked up at Gerard. His heart sank as he saw how red her eyes were. Quickly, he wrapped his arms around her. He held her tightly, like her very existence depended on it.
"I'm sorry, Gerard" she sniffed. A few tears were still trailing down her cheeks.
He placed his hand on the back of her head. "What are you sorry about? Whats going on?"
"I- I wanted to- my hair was all falling out. So I wanted to shave it off b-but I couldn't do it" she explained, her voice sounded strangled, like she was trying everything to stop herself from breaking apart.
Taylor held onto his jacket and held the fabric tightly as she balled her hands into fists.
"Hey, its okay" Gerard said softly "its something very tough to do, especially for you Tay, its okay if you can't do it"
Taylor began to shake. It seemed she had gone through the worst while Gerard wasn't here, but he could still see that she needed someone.
"I just want to keep her with me" she whispered, voice barely audible.
Gerard felt his heart sink.
"Lily is with you. She never stopped being with you" he whispered back.
Gerard rested his chin on her head, like he always does. He was trying to reason with her, make her see Lily wasn't all gone, but it's difficult to reason with grief.
"No" she croaked. "She not here, because everytime I think she's here it hurts, it hurts to think shes with me- and, when she was really here, it felt like nothing would ever hurt again."
Gerard shut his eyes tightly. He could feel how much pain Taylor was in. The amount of grief that she had buried was now showing its face.
He remembered thinking that she had recovered quite quickly after it happened. A little too quickly, now he thought back.
"I know it hurts right now" he said softly "but it will heal, I promise it will"
"I just miss her so much" she choked.
Gerard sighed. "I'm sorry, Tay"
"I don't want to do it" she whimpered.
"I know you don't, its difficult, but its something that has to be done" he said softly.
"I dont want to do it"
"I'm going to be right here with you, the whole time." He broke away from her so he could see her face. "Every step of the way"
She sniffed. Taylor had stopped crying but her expression was still grief stricken.
"Can- can you do it?" The request was timid. She asked with a brittle voice, as if she would shatter if she spoke any louder.
Gerard stared down at her. It broke his heart to see her so upset. He knew inevitably whatever happened now was going to hurt her no matter what.
"Okay" he said heavily. "Lets do it together"
"Together?" She echoed.
"Together"
The set up was simple. Taylor stood in front of the mirror. Tear stained and cold. Gerard stood behind her with the hair clippers buzzing in his hand. Both were nervewrecked.
"You okay?" Gerard asked her, staring at her reflection
Taylor nodded. "Fine"
He took a deep breath. "Okay. Here it goes"
He lifted it to the back of her head. It only took a few seconds but when Taylor looked down, about a handful of deep purple lay at their feet.
She covered her mouth with her hand. She felt tears well in her eyes again.
Gerard placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. "Still okay?"
She nodded. Rooted in the spot and terrified. Taylor did not feel okay.
Gerard kept going. More and more piled up on the tiles. He hadn't looked up at Taylor's reflection until he heard her hold back a cry.
"Tay?" He asked, his head snapping up to meet her eyes in the mirror.
"Its fine- im okay,"
Gerard sighed. He switched off the hair clippers and held both her shoulders. Leaning forward, he rested his chin on her head.
"Tell me about her" he murmured.
"What?" Taylor's eyes met his in the mirror.
"It might make you see that just because you don't have anything physically keeping her here doesn't mean she gone. People live on even after they've left us, so tell me about her"
Taylor swallowed hard. She thought about the best parts of being with Lily, her favorite moments, her wonderful ideas.
She was hesitant, but Taylor trusted Gerard, so she was willing to try.
"She had the best smile" she began.
Gerard turned the clippers back on
"It would make me feel like nothing could ever go wrong as long as she was smiling. And she was never afraid of standing up for herself- something I always wished I could do."
Taylor's attention was slowly being drawn away from the growing amount of hair on the floor. Gerard nodded encouragingly for her to keep going.
"And she was obsessed with the idea of 'Neverland,' all her life she wanted to run away and find something new, something more fulfilling. She would tell me about all these places in the books she'd read and how exciting they seemed. She wanted something more, she wanted to feel alive in a place that wasn't here"
"She sounds wonderful" Gerard said. He was almost done with Taylor's hair, but he was taking it a bit slower. He wanted to hear more about Lily. Taylor's eyes lit up completely when she spoke about her.
"She was" Taylor said softly.
"Sometimes-" she began. "When you miss someone so badly, and you wish that they were still here, you- you kind of see their face everywhere you go. Its kind of frightening, because you think you've gone mad, but deep down its comfort almost- its like they're still there."
Gerard stayed silent and watched as a single tear fell from her face.
"Grief is strange because I know she's gone." Taylor said with a shaky voice "But- everytime I see her face somewhere its like she never left. I just want to reach out and hug her, I want to know it will all be okay in the end- and I think- I want to know she's okay, wherever she is"
"I want to know if she's found her Neverland" Taylor murmured, more to herself than anything.
Gerard's face clouded with a deep sinking feeling. Hearing Taylor talk about how much she missed simply being able to hold Lily made him feel determined to help her heal from this.
Taylor continued to tell him about Lily for a few more minutes. She told him stories of when the park pond froze over and they tried to stand on it. And of when Lily found a frog in her back garden and tried to make Taylor hold it. That one made Gerard laugh slightly.
"Hey Tay?" Gerard said quietly.
Taylor stopped her story momentarily. "Yeah?"
He smiled at her in the reflection. "All done"
Taylor's eyes widened at her reflection. She'd done it. She'd made it through. Raising her hands to her head she watched her reflection as she felt the top of her head.
It felt weird, it looked weird.
"Holy shit" she murmured.
"You did it though" Gerard pointed out.
She spun around to face him. Her eyes glossy, but an unmistakable smile sat on her face.
"I'm so proud of you, Taylor" he said as he brushed off a few strands of hair from her shoulder.
Her eyes sparkled and she threw her arms around him. She was proud of herself as well.
"Thank you" she said, her voice muffled by his jacket.
"Thank you for being there for me"
Gerard was glad she couldn't see his face. It meant the world to him that she could still trust him after everything that's happened.
"Anytime and all the time" He told her.
They stood still for a few seconds. Being in silence was nice.
Taylor was the first to break the quiet.
"Okay but how the hell are we going to clean this up?"
"Do you know where the brooms are?"
She shook her head. "Theres a supply closet over there but I didn't see anything but sponges and mops"
"I say we leg it" Gerard suggested.
Taylor laughed. "You're joking"
He shrugged. "If they ask me I'll just say I couldn't find a broom, what's your excuse?"
"I have cancer in my throat?" Taylor tried
"Good enough for me" he agreed.
Taylor moved all the hair into a small pile with her foot and pushed it slightly more towards the corner.
"Okay" she said "let's get out of here before anyone else comes in."