I lie awake again, my body's feeling paralysed
I can’t remember when I didn’t live through this disguise
The words you said to me, they couldn’t set me free
Im stuck here in this life i didn’t ask for
~Secondhand Serenade
“It’s just a headache,” Becky said in her most convincing tone.
I didn’t buy it. Not for one second. “A headache, huh…” I muttered.
“She’s fine,” she added, still patting sand from the blankets. “It’s probably nothing.”
I’d seen have the headache twice—once in the hospital, the other right after Matt’s party—and it wasn’t just a headache. I mean, Sarah was good at pretending she’s okay but it wasn’t pretty at all. And the worst part, I was kind of having this paranoid idea that I was causing those ‘headaches’. Was I really causing her to get all stressed out?
In silence, I helped disassemble and pack the tents back to the trucks. It was something to busy myself with other than thinking of Sarah. I figured I’d soon have to learn to do things without her. I didn’t get to talk to again after that.
It took just three short days to arrange everything. It was official. We were moving back to LA. And this time there was no turning back. It turned out Dad and Nate were already packing things up behind my back. Really sensitive of them.
I sat on the porch’s steps for a while, watching the mover guys bring the last few boxes in the service truck Dad rented. Drawing a deep breath, I took one last look at my used-to-be neighborhood. I missed it already.
I’d surely miss being able to walk in and out of everywhere without people looking at me. I’d surely miss Chuck and Reed and Ricky, although they’d promised to keep in touch.
Ricky was hoping to make it to UCLA. Chuck and Reed had finally agreed to look for a job and maybe move in to the city someday. They were a handful, but I was sure they’re gonna be okay. Those guys were tough meat.
As the elf-truck left and disappeared into the road, I looked at the time on my wrist watch—the one Sarah gave me. It was 2 p.m. The flight would be tonight at ten. There was still a lot of time and I’d already run out of things to do. Free time was just another way of reminding me to go say my goodbyes. I won’t though. I’d always hated goodbyes.
That was when I saw Sarah cross the street toward me. She wasn’t smiling but she didn’t look sad either. More like encouraging. Like someone who’d nursed a sick bird back to health. And now she’d have to make the bird fly away even if it didn’t want to.
I burned her face in my memory. Her long brown hair that always seemed to look perfect when she was wearing it down. The way she’d always wear sneakers with everything. The way she kept her hands inside her jacket pockets whenever she got cold.
I knew I couldn’t forget her so I won’t even try.
“Leonard Daniel Walden,” she said, her palms resting on her hips as she glared at me. Or at least pretended to. “You’re not going to leave town without saying goodbye to me, are you?”
I shook my head, a corner of my mouth pulling up. I couldn’t seem to get angry at her for anything. “That was the plan, yes. But now you’ve totally ruined it.”
She answered with a sigh, pouting mindlessly, acting like the thought of me leaving wasn’t at all a big deal. It made me think that maybe she’d rehearsed this moment way too many times. Normally, she’d burst into tears and sob for the rest of the day. Now she was trying to act strong so I had to do my part.
“Y-you wanna go for a drive?” she asked, reluctant as she tilted her head to the Chevy pick-up truck. “You still have…” she took my left hand and read the time on my wristwatch. “A few hours.”
A few hours. Now that she’d mentioned it, the whole moving thing sounded sad to me. I thought about it. Of course I wanted to. Might as well spend my ‘few hours’ with her. Plus, she didn’t look like she was doing it to confuse me or anything. Not that I trusted myself well enough to stick by my decision.
“Nate!” I called, still looking at her fingers, closing around my arm. “You mind if I take the truck for a spin?”
The door opened and Nate walked out, his arms crossed in front of him. He was still in his sleeping clothes but I had the hint that he’d been watching us for a while now.
“Let me think. Nope,” he said, raising his brow. “Ricky and the guys are going to pick me up later. We’re planning to go somewhere…” he eyed on Sarah and then to me, “Somewhere interesting.”
“I’ll be back by six,” I told him, fumbling for the Chevy’s keys in my pockets.
Nate just rolled his eyes and waved us away. On that note, I led Sarah to the front seat of the truck. She had already fixed the seat belts before I could close the door. Force of habit, I guessed. That or someone told her I was a screw-up when it comes to driving.
Once we were on the road, she kept adjusting herself on her seat, furtively throwing me glances. Her fingers clutched on the sides of her seat and she couldn’t seem to relax.
“Something wrong?” I asked, deliberately keeping five miles below the speed limit.
As if startled, she shook her head. “Uhm… It just feels… weird.”
“Why?” I smiled at her, adjusting the nerdy glasses on the bridge of my nose. “Nervous?”
She shook her head again, pausing in silence as if to think about it. When she lifted her face to look back at me, she said, “I-I just don’t like it that we’re positioned this way. I m-mean… you driving and me, sitting here. It feels weird.”
“Okaaay…”
In frustration, she slapped a hand on her forehead. “No… I don’t mean to offend you. It’s just… It’s just... I don’t know. It’s like I’ve dreamt of this before.”
Déjà vu.
I couldn’t tell where this was going so instead of answering, I fixed my eyes on the road. Honestly, I thought I’d already accepted moving away. That there won’t be second thoughts. But now… This push and pull act was messing up my head.
“Leon,” she finally broke the silence. Her hands were on her lap again, clutched tightly. “Back then—before I had amnesia—did I like this?”
“Being with me. Or me driving?” I smirked bitterly.
“B-both?”
I let out a deep breath before answering, my eyes still on the road. “Yes and no. At least, that’s what I’d like to think.”
At corner of my eye, I saw her smile at herself as if she found that amusing. “Makes sense.”
“The ‘yes’ or the ‘no’?”
“Both.” A quiet laughter came from her lips.
I almost closed my eyes at the sound of that. It was both contagious and painful. She must’ve seen the serious look on my face because she bit her lip and kept silent after that. Just as I was about to make a turn to the school—I wanted to get a last look before I go—she looked like she wanted to say something but thought twice about it.
Her lips were pressed into a thin line when I paused to face her. “S’there somewhere you wanna go?” Talk about unassertiveness.
“Actually…”
EMC Park was what you could call a sold-out concert as we slowed down to park on the roadside. I could understand that it was summer and I knew people go there to jog or walk their dogs or their children but this must be a record. People were everywhere in swarms.
Suddenly, I wasn’t so keen on going for a walk anymore. The crowd seemed to suffocate me. And just the thought of going back to my celebrity life being like this made me sick to my stomach. That’d mean spending the rest of my life in public charades again. Like a goldfish in a fishbowl with everyone tapping at the glass just so I’d move.
“What now?” I grunted exasperatedly. “Don’t tell me all these people got abducted by aliens and they’re all returned here this morning.”
The snide comment got Sarah forcing back a laugh. “I heard the park administrator’s going to hold a free show today. Some local musicians, I think. But that’s not until four.”
I looked past the crowd. There was a mini stage being assembled at the rear of the park. It was more of a platform, really. People could surround the performers easily. Not the best idea if you don’t want the musicians to get mobbed. But I was thinking maybe somebody not so famous would perform. No big time star would take gigs in a small town like Hopkinton.
With a sigh, I killed the engines. Of all the places, why’d the concert be held here?
Sarah must’ve sensed my lack of enthusiasm. She bit her lower lip, looking at me with puppy-dog eyes. “It’s just for little a while.”
“I was thinking maybe we should go someplace more… not crowded.”
She let out a frustrated grunt and got out of the car before I could blink. Then she opened my door and took both my hands, pulling me out of the driver’s seat.
“Come on Leon. We still have until six, right? Isn’t this like, our special place?” she urged, smiling for all the world like there was nothing else she’d have wanted more. “For now let’s p-pretend… For now, I’m Sarah from two years before and I remember everything. And we… w-we’re going out like any other couple would.”
“Like a date?”
“Y-yeah… Exactly.” Her voice quivered despite the big warm smile on her face. Her eyes glistened a bit and I found it hard to speak with lump in my throat. “I don’t know a thing about dates and all. But… let’s have as much fun together as we could, make as much good memories as possible and after this… After this, at six, everything would turn back to what’s it’s supposed to be.”
Without waiting for my approval, she took my hand, peering up at me through her lashes. I was at a loss. It was breaking my heart, holding her hand like this. Because I knew this’d be the last.
She tightened her fingers around mine. “Am I doing this right?”
It took a lot for me to smile back at her. “Just… don’t let go.”
No answer came from her lips. Of course, she won’t. She wasn’t fond of lying. Although, I’d have loved to hear her say it even if it wasn’t true.
She towed me ahead, weaving through the crowd. There was a kind of spring in her steps that made me want to believe this wasn’t all pretend. And for a while, I threw away my defenses and let myself believe.
“Where are we going?” I chuckled, watching my steps.
“Lunch,” she paused a bit to stand on her toes, craning her neck to see clearer. A minute later, we found a small makeshift hotdog stand. “Two please,” she said to the guy behind the stall. “No ketchup,” she added, looking at me for approval.
It surprised me how she knew I hated ketchup. “Y-you did your homework.”
She pointed a finger to her face. “No amnesia, remember?”
“Okay, okay,” I sniggered, raising my palms up. “So I guess it won’t be a big deal if I do this?” I quickly slid an arm around the back of her waist and pulled her closer to me.
She didn’t fight back or anything but the startled look on her face was more than amusing to watch. It amazed me how she tried to act casual and all. But the rosy hue on her cheeks told me everything.
Stiffly, she cleared her throat. “A-actually, I found my diary last night.”
“Really?” I swallowed, trying to look anything but guilty which was exactly what I was.
Hiding her diary in Jer’s room might’ve been a wrong move. I was in panic. I couldn’t have Freddy finding out that I was snooping on his daughter’s diary. It wasn’t the brightest idea and I could just have let her read it all. I could have just let her find out sooner. Even so, I didn’t think it’d turn out differently in the end.
She nodded wryly. “Well, most of it. I found it in Jeremiah’s room. In pieces. I was lucky it survived. Apparently, so many interesting things happened to me back then. Too bad I can’t remember a single thing.”
Before Sarah could revert to her moping mode, I knuckled her on the forehead. “No amnesia,” I reminded her.
“Right,” she smiled, looking down as if suddenly embarrassed.
We found a quiet spot away from the crowd, under the shade of the thick trees that bordered the park. The afternoon wasn’t so hot anymore with the fall coming. We ate in silence, sitting on the cool grass.
Sarah kept looking up at me at times when she thought I couldn’t see her. Every time our eyes met, she’d pretend to look up to the skies like there was something in there that only she could see.
I sat there contented, watching as people passed by. Most were of our age, maybe a bit younger. Most were couples. Some were group of friends. Sometimes, I’d see a pair with a small child between them and it got me thinking how happy that must be.
Right then, I held her hand and it was reassuring enough. I didn’t try to make small talk. I just satisfied myself with the thought of being near her, the light being sifted through the leaves above us, the early colors of autumn kissing her face. It was like time stopped for us.
It still hurt. But this hurt was good. It gave me hope that the future might not be all that bad. Knowing I still had all these memories of her somehow eased my mind. Because these memories were my best ones.
“How much time do we still have?” she sighed, her head leaning lightly on my shoulder.
“Not a lot,” I answered gently. “But enough.”
I stood up, shook the grass that clung on my pants and offered a hand to her. She took it and we walked under the shade of the trees like we used to after school. As we did, she told me a story she’d just read. It was the same story she’d told Matt before—the refugee countess who’d become a servant. I listened intently, trying my best to avoid interrupting her.
It was before the story ended that she’d suddenly fallen silent. When I asked her what happened next, she just gave me a faint smile and said, “I don’t know. I haven’t finished it.”
“Why?”
“I just don’t like endings,” she shrugged, stepping ahead so that I couldn’t see her expression. “Look,” she dragged me halfway to the platform where people had just begun to flock. “It’s starting.”
She was right. A crew was already fixing the sound system beside the stage. I tried to be interested but her silence bothered me more.
As we waited for the show, she never stopped looking at our held hands. There was a glum look about her that she tried so hard to hide. I was about to ask her about it when she quietly let go of my hand and gave me a wide smile.
“You know what? I’m craving for cotton candy,” she said, slowly backing away. “I saw a stall just over there—“
“I’ll go—“
“No,” she snapped. “I m-mean… I’ll be quick about it.”
Then she was gone.
Just when I’d decided to follow her, two pairs of arms grabbed me from behind and dragged me forward. I kicked and fought back at first until I realized it was just Chuck and Reed.
“W-what the—“ I blurted out, trying to break free from their clutches.
None of them said anything. Next thing I knew, we were all up in the stage—me in front, just behind the mic. Reed forcibly slung a guitar over me while I was busy stopping Chuck from snatching my glasses and the beanie that hid my hair.
Without my disguise, I felt awkward. My hand automatically ran over my head, dishevelling my already messy dark hair more. I was caught off guard just when I realized that there’d been an eager crowd staring back at me. For the first time in my life, I had stage fright.
“W-what now?” I turned back to them, frantic.
“Dude,” Chuck whined, slumping behind the drums. “You’re a rock star. Do what you do best.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey there! So I'd seen a lot of strong comments back in the previous chapter and I say, violent reactions are better than no reaction at all. Thanks so much for still reading this story. Even if most of you think Sarah's a dumbass. LOL. Which is exactly what she is MOST of the time. There's not a lot more of this story. Can't say how many chapters left. But... Yeah... so let's see what happens next.
sorry for the tears. Here's a box of tissue,
~shim :)