Aurora had been in an immense lot of pain. She was seated upon the couch, hunched up, with her hands pressed against her lower stomach. Her eyes were squeezed closed, tears seeping through.
It was late, I had just put Benjamin to bed. The moment I stepped down into the living room, Aurora sat up straight, forced a smile, hoped I hadn't seen her like that. "Zev.." I sat down beside her, felt how her breathing hitched, I knew it was because of the pain.
"You don't have to hide your pain for me."
"What do you mean?" Aurora leaned back, held a cushion close to her chest while she tried to look at the falling raindrops outside the window. Her eyes were sunken deep, her face was pale, but the skin underneath her eyes had a dull, purple shade. A mustard yellow knitted hat on top of her head, which still wasn't completely bald- but spots of baldness had spread out more and more.
"Amore.."
"Sole, I'm fine. I don't know what you mean." She let out, a little frustrated. I smiled painfully, knowing that she would have the Italian mentality until she would be gone. I wrapped my arms around her neck, rested my head upon her shoulder.
Her thin body felt fragile, her hands were shaky because of her fading strength. I closed my eyes while she brushed my face with her bony, but soft fingers. "Is Campione asleep?"
"Not really. A lot on his mind, I suppose." We heard him walking around in his room.
A deep, shaky sigh. I reached for the cushion, wanting to embrace her fully, but something held her back. "What is it, Aurora?"
"Nothing. I'm just cold." She held onto the cushion a little tighter. I stood up, picked up one of the blankets we had thrown in a rush basket. When I reached for the cushion, Aurora pulled it back. I gave her a questionable look.
"Let it be, Sole. I just want the pillow."
"Why?" I playfully tugged at it. "Come on. Let me warm you up a little. It's the least I can do." I wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. She started to shake a little harder, her breathing picked up. I recognized the gestures- she was about to throw up. Quickly reaching for a bowl, she let go of the cushion when she started to retch, holding onto the bowl with a firm grip.
I rubbed her back, and felt as if I had swallowed stones. It was painful to see her like that. Tears flowed out of her eyes. I knew the throwing up hurt her stomach an awful much, seeing her muscles pulled without her wanting them too. She moaned in pain, let out a soft, crying noise.
It tore me apart, I took the bowl in my hands and held it under her chin. With my eyes wandering around, I noticed a letter laying on her lap as the cushion slipped off. I didn't mention anything about it, until she pushed the bowl away and laid back in exhaustion.
"Are you feeling better?"
She barely nodded, closed her eyes.
I reached for the letter. "What is this, Amore?"
Aurora opened her eyes, tried to reach for it. "It's nothing, let it be."
The sender was the hospital. "What is it?"
"Zev.." Aurora started crying. Her left eye twitched, something I had noticed happening more and more. "Just let it be."
But I couldn't. I took the letter out of the envelope, my eyes quickly scanned the paper. I had to read it a couple of times, before I understood what it had actually been saying. "Aurora? What does this mean?"
"Zev, I told you to let it go." She sounded upset, pushed the words out with all of her strength.
"What does it mean, Aurora?" I read the paper again. "When did the doctor ever talk about this surgery.." I trailed off, rereading the sentences that came after. "Mrs. Malin- Moretti denied surgery where ovaries and uterus would be removed?"
Aurora didn't answer, her eyes stood full of determination, though a spot of guilt was present too.
It dawned upon me only a few quiet minutes later. "What did you do?"
Aurora played with our wedding ring.
"What is this? Talk to me. Just talk to me!" My voice was shaky, full of emotions. Uncertainty.
"I didn't want it, Zev. I didn't want that surgery." Aurora tried to move closer to me, but I stood up from the couch, took a step back. "Zev." Her voice was full of hurt. "Come here."
"What surgery? What is this? Why haven't I heard of this all?"
"Because I didn't tell you."
"Why not?!" Emotions started raging inside of me. "When did this happen?"
"Two months ago."
My eyes flew over the words again, but this time they stung deeply into my heart. "You denied a surgery where they could remove the parts where this misery all started? And without telling me? Deciding it without me?"
"Zev, please, just hear me out."
The rhythm of my heart started to pick up, my body began to tremble lightly. My mind was blank, but at the same time overflowing. I couldn't understand my own wife.
"No, I don't know." Tears pricked behind my eyes, I took another step back when she tried to reach for me with her hand. "I don't know if I want to hear this. I cannot believe this. Aurora, what in Heavens name have you done?" I had choked out, repeatedly started shaking my head.
"Hear me out!" She cursed in Italian, with the pain displaying in her eyes.
"Fine, explain it to me!"
"That surgery would have removed my uterus, Zev."
"That surgery would have removed a huge part of that cursed disease!"
"Zev!" Aurora's voice was heavily loaded with hurt. "Listen to me, please." She panted by the effort of talking. "Don't you understand? The surgery is an immense amount of effort. The healing of the wounds which the surgery would leave behind would cost all of my efforts, and I need them for other things. And then we're not even talking about the pain it will give me. It will be so painful. And for what? Two more days to live, only then they would be lived in misery? And it all being removed? My ovaries. My uterus, Zev. My uterus. Where a baby grows. It meant I could have never, ever have children again. Do you know how much that hurts?"
"We have Benjamin!" My voice was shrill, loud. "Isn't he enough?!"
"He's everything to me and you know that." Aurora's voice was hoarse, her tears streamed down heavily. "But having my uterus removed.."
"It could have healed you! It could have made you stay here with us so much more longer, it could have controlled the cancer.." I slouched down onto one of the chairs, pressing my hands against my forehead.
"It could not." Aurora defended. "The cancer is everywhere. Everywhere. My uterus or ovaries wouldn't have made any differences and you know that." Her voice was loud, too. Sharp by pain.
"It was where it all began!"
"It would have not made a huge difference!"
"Then what did it matter?!"
"What does it matter to you?" She defended back.
"Aurora, you made a life changing decision without me. Do you know how painful that is?"
Aurora's crying became more intense. "I know that, and I'm sorry. It just seemed for the best."
"We had Benjamin.." I tried again. "Wasn't he enough?"
"What if I healed and my uterus would be gone and I would never be able to have children again?"
"We had a hard time begetting children-"
Aurora moaned in despair. "That's not the point, Zev. You don't understand. You're not a woman."
"No, I really don't understand you!" I felt the anger coming up, but I wasn't sure if this was the only reason. "I don't understand you." I was angry, hurt.
"Zev.." Aurora wanted to reach for me, but I was too far away and she was weak. "Zev, please, come here. I'm sorry about it. I really am. But can you try and understand my view on it, please, will you try, Sole? I'm just doing my best." Her tears dripped off her chin, upon the envelope.
"I don't know if I can."
"Sole.." Aurora used all of her efforts to get to me, but she couldn't manage. "Zev?"
"I need some fresh air." I stood up, called Daniel and went over to Benjamin's room. I shook him awake, he looked up at me with questionable eyes. I made up a lie that we had to visit the hospital- to which he started crying. "She will be alright."
Benjamin struggled against, but eventually I managed to bring him over to Daniels. When I came back, Aurora clamped onto a chair, her legs shaking. Her pale face had flushed pink lightly by her tears. "Zev, where are you going?"
"I just need some fresh air." I couldn't look at her. It hurt me. I didn't want to leave her like this, but at the same time I was afraid that I couldn't control my emotions and I would hurt her more with my words. I couldn't bear it. I left for the sake of her.
"Come back before the morning, please, Sole?"
I hadn't answered to that. I had given her a painful expression and left. After a phone call with Teddy, I had jogged all the way over to the Catholic church.
The heavy, wooden doors had creaked when I had opened them. It was completely dark, which gave me the shivers. I switched on a few, dim lights and waited for Teddy. After half an hour, he still wasn't there. I started to feel impatient, while the anger grew larger and larger the more I thought about what Aurora had done.
The anger became so bad, that I started pacing back and forth through the church. I prayed to God if he wanted to watch over her, but the more I prayed, the more my words were turning into accusations, outrage towards God.
"It isn't fair, why did You let her do that? Why hadn't You given her the thought to discuss things with me?" I looked up at the ceiling, but it was dead silent. "Are You even here? Why aren't You listening to me? Don't You see I'm in despair?!"
I kicked some chairs down. "God, who even are You? Why do You make people so sick that they cannot stand on their own feet and speak with their own mouths anymore?! What kind of 'Father' does that? Who wishes that upon His children!" My voice became louder.
"Hello?!" I screamed by then. I kicked more chairs. "You're murdering Aurora off. You're murdering off my wife! You're killing someone's mother! A little boy's mother, then what is going to happen after that?" I was furious by then. "You're not like anything people have told me, You're exactly like my own father! Selfish. Selfish!"
More chairs were kicked down, I reached for Bibles and smacked them all onto the floor, reached for candles and threw them everywhere and with all the power I had. I started screaming, threw vases around, small sculptures, anything I could reach and throw. I screamed louder and louder, my voice echoing through the empty church.
"Teddy, where are you?" I looked around me, bewildered. I was so angry, so hurt, so torn in two. Everything came out. I hadn't been able to process anything that had happened to us. The news we had gotten, then the even worse news: Aurora being terminal. Benjamins outbursts because of his fear surrounding her possible death. My own emotions. Aurora's fading strength, seeing her in pain, feeling her slip through my fingers, even when I tried my hardest to keep holding onto her, and then this.
I completely lost it. I screamed until my voice stopped, I kicked until I fell onto the floor in pure exhaustion, I cried until I fell asleep.
Teddy came an hour later, woke me up and talked to me until the sun started to rise. I felt guilty towards Aurora, I wanted to hold her, kiss her, tell her that it was alright, that she had been right. It wouldn't have made much difference, but it gave her more rest. I wondered why I couldn't have seen it that night. I went home. I arrived in the street. And then, I saw the ambulances and the police.
I sat on my knees. The tears and snot running down my face. Numbly staring at the stained glass windows. Salomé embraced me, I couldn't react to it. I couldn't speak, only weep while the memories flooded back into my mind, my sight. I saw it all happening over and over again, felt the pain over again. Seeing her on the floor. Soul in heaven. I collapsed beside her, but they took her away. I couldn't stand up, I had drowned in misery.
"I didn't say goodbye." I whispered. "I didn't hold her when she breathed out her last breath. I didn't tell her I loved her." I hummed as I cried, closed my eyes. "I left her on her own, because my selfishness took over. We left during a fight. I cannot ever forgive myself for that."
Strange people lifting her up, trying to breathe life back into her, but the cancer had fogged up her brain and snatched her away from me. Leaving me on the ice cold floor, with an ice cold heart.
Salomé held my face in her hands, her teary eyes raking over my face.
"Why couldn't I listen to her? Why did it have to take me all night long to come to terms with something she had all the rights for to decide on her own?" I rested my face in my hands, tried to catch my breath. "I wasn't the sick one. She had to bear all of the pain. She had to accept losing everything in life she loved. And yet she was the strongest."
"Benjamin has matured a lot ever since it all happened. And all because I left him on his own too many times, as I had no idea how to deal with my own feelings and emotions." I accepted Salomé's handkerchief. "Sure, he could do things himself. But I wasn't there to send him back into the shower because he hadn't washed out his shampoo properly. I wasn't always there to make him a proper lunch instead of sandwiches with peanut butter. I wasn't there to point out that he couldn't always wear his shorts when it was getting chillier. I wasn't always there to remind him to brush his teeth. I neglected the fact that he's had a traumatic experience, thinking I could fix everything myself. But I couldn't. He still needed me, but I pushed him away."
"I wondered so many times what point my life has, and I know I shouldn't dwell on all the miseries, but losing someone you love that much.. it's so tough. It's so tough."
"Why didn't you seek for help, Zev?" Salomé whispered, her thumb slowly brushing over my stubbled cheeks. I saw some tears sliding slowly down her own face. "Everything tells me you have been keeping all of this to yourself for so long."
I stayed quiet, for I didn't know the answer.
Salomé smiled painfully. "That isn't a fair question coming from my side.. I guess I had the luck that my father had given me the needed help as soon as it happened. Didn't you have people around you?"
"I did." I thought of Teddy, Daniel. "I just wanted to be better than my own father, but I failed miserably at that. In fact, I think I'm even worse."
"Don't say that.. you did all you could."
"Did I?" I brushed the back of my hand over my eyes, resting my forehead on my knees. "I have had many people leaving me. My father, my own sisters, one by one. Then my wife. You could think I would have been used to that by now, right? I guess it only made me more anxious. I met Aurora when I was young, she became my safe haven. She had always been the tougher one. What am I without her? I failed being there for my own son- I practically left him."
"Zev, don't be so hard on yourself.." Salomé sat down beside me on the floor, pulled up her knees. "There is no protocol on how to grieve. Everyone has their own way for dealing with things, and it hasn't been easy for you. It's alright to lose the way sometimes, but try your best searching for the right path again, too."
"I'm trying." The tears came back. I tried to stop them, but my lips quivered, letting out a soft cry. "But the guilt is eating me up. Alive. Nothing makes sense to me anymore."
"Zev, I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted you to walk around in guilt for the rest of your life.."
I looked up. The church had many paintings on the high ceiling. I stared at them for a long time. Jesus' life displaying. From birth to death. His disciples disowning Him caught my attention. I'd had done the exact same thing. My voice cracked when I spoke. "I can't help but hear the pain in her voice during our last conversation. It haunts me. It haunts me before I go to sleep. When I sleep. When I wake up. It keeps replaying, I can't let it go."
"She knew you didn't love her any less. You're human, Zev. You had your own way dealing with it. And you needed that."
"Yeah, in an absolute wrong way."
"What would she have done if she saw you after that conversation?"
I smiled painfully. "She would have cursed at me in Italian and kissed me deeply."
"Do you think she's looking down at you in bitterness and pain?"
"No." I whispered, salty drops sliding down my cheeks. "No, but.."
"Let it go, Zev. Let it go. God has forgiven you. Aurora has forgiven you. I know you would have wished you could have done things differently, but the only thing you can do now is forgiving yourself and letting the guilt go, so you can live your life further, without those chains holding you back."
My eyes followed Jesus' life. They stopped briefly at the crucifixion. For our sins. I closed my eyes. Asked my Father for forgiveness. Forgiveness for how I had treated Aurora. For how I had treated Benjamin. Asked Him to help me to believe again. Her faith had been her true purpose. I wanted it in my life, too.
When I opened my eyes again, I saw how Salomé's eyes were closed, her lips mouthing out a prayer quietly.
"My mind entangles me." I whispered when Salomé's eyes had opened, and she looked at me with a soft smile and pink tinted cheeks. "She died.."
"Maybe to inspire others. Maybe to let other people realise that when the mornings comes, things would be alright again."
I looked at her. I didn't understand a thing.
"Maybe to save someone's life." Salomé reached for her bag, opened it and gave me one of Aurora's self knitted hearts.
I touched it, squeezed it, held it to my heart and looked up at Salomé.
"To save my life."
•
The word is out.... zev's reason for the guilt he has carried throughout the whole book. Opinions on that? Were his feelings valid?
Salome's reaction to it all? Handing out the heart? How does she know Aurora?
The fight between Aurora and Zev..? Do you understand both sides? Let me know..
Drop your thoughts in the comments. It would mean a lot to me :)!!