*Present*
Cas laid awake in his old bedroom at his mothers house, unable to stop himself from thinking about the kiss he shared with Dean only a few hours earlier.
He kissed the man.
He straight up kissed him and then ran off like a child, what kind of man did that make him?
Castiel didn't even want to think about how Dean must be feeling right now. He was probably confused and rightfully so, but Cas hoped he didn't hate him for it.
It's been over 20 years and he knew Dean didn't have partner, but what if Dean didn't have those same feelings for him anymore?
Hell, Cas was married with a kid and he still hadn't gotten over his feelings for the other man, so maybe Dean still did too...
Actually now that he thought about it, Dean had started to kiss him back.
Dean Winchester had kissed him back, did that mean he still had feelings for him? Or did he just image that whole thing and was being stupid? The latter was a high possibly.
He was too old for this shit. He was a grown man, he shouldn't be staying up late thinking about this sort of thing.
The amount of late nights he spent lying on this exact bed thinking about the same man... guess somethings never change. Although, a lot has changed. He was married, he couldn't be kissing other people, especially Dean.
Oh God, how was he meant to sit in a car with Dean all the way to Bobby's cabin, it was over an hour drive... Why'd he have to kiss him and make things awkward?
Covering his face with a pillow, Cas let out a frustrated groan, stuck between dreading seeing Dean tomorrow and being eager to see him.
How was he meant to survive a whole day with him when he ended up kissing him after a few hours?
Castiel was so screwed.
-
Dean stayed up late that night working on Garths Mustang.
He couldn't stop thinking about the kiss he shared with Cas, although he was still struggling to believe that it had actually happened.
Sure, he'd dreamt about kissing Cas many times over the past 20 years, but he knew it would never happen. He honestly thought he'd never see Castiel again, but he's glad he was wrong.
He forgot how happy Castiel made him feel. Even though the two of them weren't together anymore and the man was married, he still never failed to bring a smile to Dean's face.
He couldn't even remember the last time he genuinely smiled or laughed until Cas showed up.
He knew nothing more could ever happen between them, the kiss was a once off thing.
Cas had a life.
He had the whole white picket fence life with a wife and daughter. Cas made something of himself and Dean wasn't going to get in the way of that.
After finishing his work on the Mustang, Dean had eventually gone to sleep on the old foldout couch in the garage and awoke early the following morning, forgetting how noisy the neighbours rooster was.
How was the damn animal still alive, anyway?
The amount of times Dean had wanted to jump the fence with his rifle when he was a teenager and do the whole street a favour by silencing the animal.
Cas had called his bluff all those years ago, saying that Dean could never kill someone's pet and he hated that Cas was right, Cas was always right.
He tried going back to sleep, but the damn rooster wouldn't shut up which was probably for the best because he knew his dreams would be laced with nightmares that had already woken him up twice last night.
Sometimes it would be flashbacks of his father, sometimes it was of the accident at the logging site, but mostly it was of what happened 21 years ago.
With a sigh, he kicked the blankets off his body and gingerly stood up.
His body ached most mornings or if he sat down in one spot for too long, then he'd start to feel the familiar aches and pains all results from working at the Logging Site for all those years.
Lifting logs and sawing of branches, took a toll on his body over time, but it was the accident that really took it out of him.
The only serious injury he received was the cut over his cheek. It needed a shit load of stitches and had left a very distinct scar, but it was fine now.
To this day he still had no idea how the flying debris managed to cut just his cheek, he was lucky he didn't lose an eye.
The scar he could deal with easily, he's dealt with scars all his life, but it was the injuries that you couldn't see that still annoyed him now.
The drop from the waterfall should've killed him and not a day goes by where he doesn't think about it, but all it did was bruise a few bones which healed within a month. But the aching and stiffness in his body never disappeared and just got worse as time went one.
It wasn't anything that he couldn't easily deal with, just a few stretches was all he needed to do before the aching vanished, but it was still a pain in the ass and a constant reminder of that day.
He spent most the morning doing last minute adjustments to the Mustang.
He wasn't sure if Cas was still going to come around so they could take one car to Bobby's cabin. He doubted Cas would, not after what happened last night and he didn't blame him.
So, he reversed the Mustang out the garage to wash it, but as he shut off the engine, he heard the rumble of another vehicle.
It was Cas.
"Nice car." Cas called out, rolling down the window to his BMW.
Dean climbed out Mustang unable to hide the relived smile spreading across his face as he looked over him.
"Bobby's policy-" Dean began to say motioning towards the car before Cas cut him off.
"All rebuilds must be test driven before they're returned." Cas finished for him, pulling the keys out the ignition as he climbed out his car.
Dean chuckled softly before he motioned towards the garage and disappeared for a moment.
Cas nodded before turning his attention towards the Mustang and took in just how much work Dean had done to the car since he saw it a couple days ago.
"Ready to go." Dean announced, tucking his phone and wallet into his jeans pocket while carrying the urn of Bobby's ashes before they both climbed into the vintage vehicle.
Cas automatically sat shotgun, knowing how much Dean must be itching to take the Mustang for a test drive.
To both of their surprise the drive wasn't awkward in the slightest. They stopped at the local café and picked up a couple coffees and croissants since neither of them had even thought about making breakfast this morning before they hit the familiar road towards Bobby's cabin.
They didn't talk about what happened last night, almost acting like it never happened to begin with.
They spoke about old memories of Bobby, from the time the old man had caught them making out in the bed of his truck to the time they helped him fix the leaking roof in the bathroom one winter.
But, they both fell silent as they pulled up to the front of the old cabin, both of them speechless.
It was completely overgrown and run down.
Vines and plants had covered the front of the building, the wooden steps leading up the porch cracked and broken. The small vegetable garden Bobby had set up out the front was just a pile of dirt and weeds.
They had never seen the cabin like this before. It was always so well maintained and blooming with luscious flowers and plants.
They continued to stare at the overgrown cabin in shock as they silently climbed out the vehicle.
Cas grabbed the urn as they began to walk around the side of the house towards the back where they knew Bobby's flower garden was, but they were almost scared to see what the flowers looked like.
"God, it used to be so beautiful." Cas commented, breaking the silence.
Dean was yet to say anything as they walked around to the back of the house and Dean couldn't stop the small gasp that escaped his lips as he took in all the dead flowers, that covered the area behind the house.
Those tulips were Bobby's prized possessions. His wife used to plant them every year and after she passed, Bobby continued the tradition,
Dean couldn't even count how many times Bobby had sent to him to work in the garden to maintain the health of the flowers and make sure there weren't any weeds in sight, but now... Dean couldn't even speak as he took it all in.
"I just... This how we're supposed to do this? Spread his ashes here?" Dean asked, hating how tight his voice sounded.
He stared at the dead flowers as Cas grabbed his shoulder causing him to flinch, but quickly recovered and looked over at Cas who smiled sadly at him.
"I guess so. This is where he scattered Karen's ashes, so it seems right." Cas replied as the two of them walked further into the overgrown garden before they stopped, both staring at each other lost for words. "Well, we should say something. Not like a long-winded eulogy or anything like that. Just..."
"Yeah, he'd hate that, just something short. No fuss." Dean added, glancing down at the urn in Cas hands before he shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and stared down at the ground as Cas began to speak.
"Bobby could get under your skin sometimes, because he wasn't afraid to say exactly what he thought, how he felt. That kind of honestly is rare and brave. He saw people for who they were. He knew things about us... The truth, who we really are. He was one of the only people who knew us and accepted us before anyone else did and looked out for us when both our families were against it." Cas began to say before he realised he was saying a long-winded eulogy and stopped, laughing at himself before he glanced over at Dean. "We love you, Bobby."
"We do." Dean added.
-
After they spread his ashes, the two of them needed a moment to themselves. Bobby's death only just starting to sink in for the both of them.
Bobby had been a big part of both of their lives.
Dean more so when they were younger, but when they got older it was Cas who visited Bobby and caught up with him regularly, forming a close friendship with the older man.
That was something Dean regretted, but Bobby knew why he never visited and never asked him to because his family was still in town and Bobby didn't want him anywhere near them.
Cas opted to drive 10 minutes to the nearest town to pick up dinner and Dean had just nodded in agreement, handing Cas the keys without saying anything before they went their separate ways.
Dean listened to Cas drive off in the Mustang while he sat on the small wooden platform that ran out into the lake out the back of the cabin.
He hugged his knees to his chest as he stared out along the crystal clear water watching the small trout jump here and there.
Bobby was like a father figure to him.
The older man took him in and looked after him like a son, he was there for him when his own flesh and blood just wanted to use and hurt him.
Bobby took a risk with him, despite knowing the trouble his family was, but for some reason he still took Dean in and that was something he'd never forget and take for granted.
He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting out there for or when he had even started to cry, but when he heard footsteps coming up behind him he quickly wiped the tears from his eyes.
Dean cleared his throat, but didn't move to acknowledge Cas as he continued to stare at the water as his eyes burned.
The smell of pizza filled the cool afternoon air as Cas placed the pizza box and six-pack of beer on the wooden platform before he sat down beside Dean.
Cas didn't say anything as he wrapped his arm around Dean's shoulders.
He could tell Dean had been upset earlier, hell, he may have shed a couple tears in the carpark earlier, but he knew Dean would try to bottle up his emotions like he always did.
But, to his shock Dean didn't try argue or push him away as he leant into Cas' touch, unable to stop his body from shaking as he fought back tears and dropped his head on top of his knees
Cas pulled Dean closer, his hand gently rubbing Dean's back trying to comfort the other man. But couldn't stop his own tears from rising at the sight of Dean falling apart in front of him.
Dean was always the strong one. He'd never seen the other man like this before and he was going to do everything he could to be there for him.
Cas could feel the corner of his shirt getting wet from Deans tears as he pulled the man closer until his head was resting on his shoulder, but he didn't care as he held him tightly letting him cry.
Cas knew how much Bobby meant to him, he was a better father than Dean's actual piece of shit father and Cas knew how much losing a father hurt.
He lost his own father a while back and although the two of them weren't on the best of terms with Cas moving to Iowa with Gabriel after they graduated high school, which his father did not approve of, but Cas didn't care.
His father was tough on him, but Cas knew his father always tried his best to give him a good life, but he just wished it didn't take his fathers funeral for him to finally realise that.
Eventually Dean had stopped crying, but his body was still trembling against Cas before he took in a deep shaky breath and pulled away, sitting himself up straight.
"I'm sorry." Dean mumbled, his voice barely a whispered as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
"It's okay, you have nothing to apologise for." Cas replied in a gentle tone and Dean just nodded as he stared out at the water in front of them. "I know you, Dean. You have to let yourself feel it, not bottle it up. I'm here if you want to talk about it, you know that, right?"
Dean nodded slightly, but didn't show any intention of actually wanting to talk about it and Cas sighed, knowing that Dean was done with this conversation.
The two of them sat there for a few minutes, staring out across the water as the sun got lower in the sky.
Suddenly, they both seemed to remember that there was as pizza and beer sitting behind them and they both turned around in sync.
Cas chuckled softly motioning for Dean to go first as he grabbed two bottles of beer while Cas picked up the pizza box and placed it in front of them before Dean handed him one of the beers.
"To Bobby." Dean said, speaking up for the first time, his voice still not quite right as he held up his beer and Cas nodded, tapping his against Dean's.
"To Bobby." Cas repeated.
They both took a long drag of their drinks before they began digging into the pizza.
Neither of them really spoke as they sat together on the platform eating pizza and drinking beer as they stared out at the lake taking in the slowly setting sun.
"When are you going home?" Dean asked, surprising himself that he had actually asked that out loud and seemed to surprise Cas who blinked a few times like he was trying to process the question.
"Tomorrow."
Dean nodded, shifting slightly as he leant forward and rested his forearms against his knees, fiddling with his hands almost anxiously causing Cas to frown slightly.
"Dean, what is it?" He asked, his voice laced with sudden concern as he stared at the man.
Dean didn't say anything for a moment as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously which did nothing to ease Cas' worries. He watched the man carefully trying to figure out what was going on his mind before Dean sighed and dropped his head.
"Last time I was out at the Logging Site... there was this accident, this explosion." Dean began to say, staring down at his hands as he spoke.
"Wait, that was your site? The Purgatory Logging Site? I saw that on the news, you were there?" Cas questioned in shock.
Dean just nodded, biting his thumb nail as Cas stared at him in disbelief.
"Yeah, a crane tipped. Landed on a log pile, an iron bar piercing straight though it's gas tank. A lotta people were trapped underneath the fallen logs, including my friend, Benny. I managed to get him out and to safety, but when I went back to get the others, the crane exploded... scrap metal from the crane hit my face in the process..." Dean trailed off, motioning towards the scar on face as he looked away from Cas and he stared out along the horizon thinking back to that shocking day.
"I got thrown back into a nearby river, barely had chance to realise what happened before I fell 100 feet down a waterfall into the water... Still got no idea why I didn't drown. The fall alone should've killed me, doctors couldn't figure it out either."
"God, you were lucky." Cas responded, not knowing what else to say.
"I saw you. I had like a... it was like a dream, but it wasn't a dream. You were there with me when I was floating in the water and it was strange because I hadn't seen you in so long." Dean began to say causing Cas to look at him in confusion.
The corners of Dean's lips twitched up in a slight smile as thought back to that hallucination of Cas he saw when he was in the water and thought he was dying.
"Then I get out the hospital and I get this call about Bobby... Then I come here and I see you. And it's like... I dunno. Just strange."
Cas stared at Dean for a moment unable to figure out how to respond to what he had just said. He didn't even know what that meant or why Dean had suddenly seen him when he was facing death, but Cas just smiled and shook his head.
"I'm glad you're okay, Dean."
"Are you okay?" Dean suddenly asked.
Cas looked up in confusion to find Dean already looking at him with an unreadable expression.
"What do you mean?"
"If you're unhappy with your life, what are you gonna do? Don't bother lying to me, man. It might've been a while, but I still know you. You're not fooling me." Dean elaborated.
Cas just stared him in disbelief before he blinked and shook his head. He suddenly stood up and began to walk off. He was not having this conversation with him. Nope.
"Wait." Dean quickly called out, standing up too as Cas turned around with an almost pissed off expression and Dean knew he had hit a nerve.
"What are you gonna do?" Dean questioned, pushing the topic despite knowing that Cas didn't want to: "You know what this feels like to me? Fate. I'm trying to get my head around it since it all happened. Why the hell am I still here? Why'd I survive and not the others? And maybe it's because of this, you know? Maybe it's a chance to see you again and a chance to tell you how sorry I am. And tell you how much I still love you." Dean admitted, not even realising what he had said until it was too late.
Cas' mouth opened like he was about to say something before he closed it again, seeming lost for words.
"I'm still in love you, Cas." Dean whispered, taking a step towards him, but Cas shook his head.
"You want me to fall back in love with you?" Cas questioned in utter disbelief. "How do I do that if I haven't ever stopped?"
Deans jaw dropped at the confession, unable to get any words out before Cas turned around and stormed off towards the cabin. Leaving Dean standing on the dock, utterly speechless.