Chapter 18: In control
SEUNGHEE
We play Truth or Dare like what Haneul said and the most excited of them all are Soojung and Sehyeon. Thankfully, their first question to me is something I could handle.
“What do you do when you're sad?” Soojung asks.
“Ah, what kind of question is that? Ask her something juicy!” Sehyeon complains.
“Shut up. My questions are the best to get to know someone.”
I smile at them and say, “I write.”
“Aish, cliché. You just write?” Soojung asks.
“No, but mostly, I just write. I write down all my pent up emotions. Sometimes, I turn off all the lights in the room and close my eyes in the silence.” I answer.
“Don't you fall asleep?” Sehyeon asks.
“Sometimes, but you know when you have too much going on in your head, it's hard to fall asleep.”
“Do you have a hard time sleeping lately?” Haneul asks.
“From time to time.”
“Aigoo, it'll be fine, Seunghee. I've been there too. I even took sleeping pills. I still take them sometimes.” Soojung says.
“I just drink wine. Lots of wine.” Sohee says with a chuckle.
I look at all of them as they continue with the game. Everyone must be going through something too. It must be just as hard for them as it is for me. My eyes meet Hyunjin's but I quickly look away when my name is called.
“Seunghee-ya, what makes you happy?” Sehyeon asks. “This should be interesting.”
I grin. “Writing.”
They all go, “AHHH” in disappointment and that makes me smile.
“This girl is the real deal. I have to read your work soon. You really love writing.” Soojung says.
“What other things make you happy aside from writing?” Sehyeon asks desperately, it's kinda funny.
“Hmm, hanging out with my friends. Being able to help out with my family.”
“No, no, you alone. When you're alone.”
“Aside from writing, hmm, I like...” My eyes go to Haneul and I'm kinda surprised to see him looking so invested staring at me. “...singing.” I say. A small smirk forms his mouth. I subtly frown at him before looking away. “I like going to the beach. It's calming, but who doesn't like that? I like being alone. Reading, listening to music, playing music, eating good food. I'm just normal, not interesting.”
“You're right.” Sehyeon says jokingly.
“What do you mean? Those are fun things that make her happy.” Soojung counters before looking at the others. “What about you guys? Let's see if your answers changed.”
“Clubbing. Getting lost in the music makes me happy.” Sohee answers quickly.
I look at Haneul. He's already tuning his guitar and his expression gives nothing away.
“Hyunjin, what about you?” Soojung asks.
“His girlfriend, of course. When I was at that age, only my girlfriend made me happy.” Sehyeon says with a grin.
Soojung glares at him without a word.
I raise an eyebrow and catch Haneul's eyes. He smiles a little and nods, and I don't even know how that gesture alone made me understand what he means or how he understood what I mean. My eyes widen.
“WAIT, THEY'RE EX LOVERS?” I ask, whispering when the two of us went to get more drinks.
Haneul chuckles. “How are you still not over it?”
“I'm just... shocked.”
“Don't tell them I told you.”
“You're investing a lot of secrets on me. Careful. I might blackmail you someday.”
“Keep them well, so you can blackmail me someday.”
I laugh as we turn back. “You're weird.” I tell him.
There's one time I choose Dare through the night and Haneul has taken that chance to dare me to sing. I should've seen that coming. His guitar is ready and the song requests are coming in.
In the end, I choose Soojung's request, Two People by Sun Si-kyung, because I really like her.
Both Haneul and I are focused on our phone screens for the lyrics and chords. Once he gets the right sound for it, I begin to sing.
The moment a sound comes out of my lips, Haneul looks up at me, raising an eyebrow. I could feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. The others begin to wave their hands in the air like they're in some kind of live concert and that makes me smile. Even Sohee is waving her hands, but Hyunjin just quietly watches me.
I wonder if like the way his new girlfriend cooks for him and packs him lunch boxes like I never did, does she ever sing for him like I did? I know I shouldn't be comparing our relationship with theirs but I just need to feel like somehow I did my best for him too, like it was really how I felt it when we were there at that moment.
I really want to let go of him and I could feel myself slowly doing that. That's why I hate when he brings up the past. I'm really trying my best not to want him in my life anymore.
I'm still awkward and lacking
But always, I'll be by your side
On a dark night,
even if we're lost and wandering,
Let's be each other's light
In the far days ahead,
even if the dreams we're looking for
isn't past the rainbow
I look at Haneul and smile. I feel thankful towards him. For giving me a chance on this project. For introducing me to these people. For believing in me.
The times spent with you right now
are the most precious to me
* * *
“If ever writing doesn't work out for you, you can just become a singer.” Haneul says as we're walking that night. The stars here are so vibrant unlike in Seoul. Sehyeon and Soojung are walking ahead of us.
“I'm too old for that.”
“I really didn't expect you'd sing so well.”
“I didn't expect you to play guitar well either.” I say, grinning. “But my childhood dream was to be a singer. Seungyeonie and I were planning to get into an entertainment company together.”
“I still can't believe you're really childhood best friends with that superstar.”
“You're not the only one. I took a different path and she kept shining brighter and brighter. Whenever I'm with her, it really doesn't sink in just how famous she is. She's just Chang Seungyeon to me.”
“Your face really lights up when you talk about your friends. Do you know that?”
I smile. “I love them.” I say with a sigh. “I'm a lacking eonni to them. Sometimes, I'm too focused on my own thing that I don't even know they're going through some things.”
“That's normal. Everybody is quite like that.”
“But when I do know what's going on, I just feel... helpless. I don't know how to help them even if it keeps me awake at nights.”
“They probably feel the same about you.”
“Maybe, but they really comfort me. All my problems seem so silly compared to theirs but they still manage to comfort me.” I shake my head and look at him. “I'm sorry... for oversharing.”
“It's fine. I like getting to know Oh Seunghee as a person.”
We look at each other and he smiles, and I look away because I feel... I feel strange.
* * *
YEEUN
This week ie planned to be busy. Eunbin has come back and she approves all the propositions that Sungjae and I made. “I didn't expect it but you two really work well together.” She says with a smile.
“So, are you finally done slacking off?” Sungjae asks her.
“Oppa!” Eunbin exclaims, frowning. “Anyway, yeah, I'm ready to work. You two worked hard. Thank you for not letting us go bankrupt while I was gone.”
“Psh, what do you take us for?”
“I'm still your boss, oppa!”
“Right,” Sungjae says blinking but oozing with sarcasm. I suppress a smile. “Then, we'll get back to work, boss. Let's go, Yeeun-ah.”
Seunghee has come over today too. “I already reserved a corner for you, eonni. Don't you feel special?” I ask her.
“Thanks. But will you have a lot of customers today?” She asks, looking at oir current setup.
“It's monday, so, yes.” I say. “And we have a cup sleeve event for a K-pop group's anniversary, so a lot of fans are comingㅡwe hope.”
“Which K-pop group?” Seunghee asks, putting her laptop on the table.
“Pentagon.”
Her eyes widen. “This is your idea, isn't it?”
“YEEUN EONNI! A LITTLE HELP!” Eunbin calls out. She and Sungjae are fixing today's promo poster on the wall and putting on some balloons too.
I wink at Seunghee and smile before going back to work.
I'm pretty excited about today. After days of wallowing, work is the only thing keeping my feet on the ground. I've gotten the fans to book our shop for a cup sleeve event.
Soon enough, they start coming in. The amount of people are a lot more than what we expected. I'm not even able to pay so much attention when Seunghee says good bye to me.
We're so busy and I love it.
At closing time, I sit in front of the store, looking up at the night sky. I still have my apron on. Sungjae is just finishing his job at the cashier and I'm done cleaning up everything.
“Woah, today really worked out.” Sungjae says behind me.
“None of the Pentagon members came.”
Sungjae chuckles. “Do you hear how disappointed you are?” He asked, handing me a drink with the Pentagon cup sleeve on it.
I smile. “Thanks.”
“You've worked hard.” He says, ruffling my hair.
“You too, boss.”
“Eunbin is our boss.”
“Oh, right.”
“Are you taking the bus home?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want me to drive you there? It's near.”
“No, I don't want to bother you. I'll take the bus.”
“You're not bothering.”
I shake my head. “It's really fine. I'll take the bus. I... want to. I'm—” I take a deep breath and look up at the night sky. No stars above us. “Sungjae oppa, I have a situation. At night, honestly, I'm afraid to be alone outside.”
I feel him look at me.
“But now, I really want to overcome it. I want to overcome all my fears and live my life again.” I say with a small smile on my lips. “Instead of those fears controlling me, I want to control them. I want to take control of my own life.” I chuckle, turning to him. “So, let me take the bus, oppa.”
Sungjae smiles softly. “Fine. When you say it like that, then I have no choice. You take control of your life, Jang Yeeun. I'm rooting for you.” He says, raising his fist to cheer me up. “But let me drive you to the bus stop, at least.”
“Thank you. I have to thank you and Eunbin for giving me this job. I really, really appreciate it.”
“What are you talking about? We appreciate you. You increased our sales.”
“No, we both came up with the ideas.”
“Tomorrow will be busy again, don't you think?”
“We love busy days.”
“You do.”
“You love money.”
“That's right.”
Talking with Sungjae is becoming more and more natural. And I can't believe I'm thinking this even after every thing that's happened to me butㅡhe feels safe to be with.
* * *
SEUNGHEE
I've been staring at the boxes of chamomile tea on the counter. Haneul has given them to me this morning.
“What are these for?” I ask.
“Chamomile tea. Drink them before you go to bed. They'll help you sleep.”
“Um, yeah, I know chamomile tea but why are you giving me... boxes of them?”
“You said you can't sleep when you have too much in your head.” He says as if that explains it. He sighs when I kept looking at him. “I want my writer in her best condition to write the next day, so get enough sleep, Oh Seunghee.”
“Why are you smiling like that at the boxes? Creep.” Seungyeon says, looking at me from the living room.
“I'm not smiling.” I say even though, clearly, I was. “Do you want some chamomile tea?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“How's the brainstorming for the company's name?”
“Crystal Clear.” She says.
“Crystal Clear? Isn't that too long? What would the acronym?”
“CLC,” Seungyeon says. “Crystal Clear because I have my goals clear as a crystal. Of course, I'll start by catering to myself but someday, when it becomes a success, I want to train future actors too.”
“Aren't you gonna ask me what I think about CLC?”
“No, I've decided.”
“As expected. You're your own woman.”
Once the tea is boiling, I bring the two cups in my hands and sit next to Seungyeon in the living room, on the carpet. I don't even know why we have her elegant couch. We always sit on the floor. “How do you feel about this?” I ask looking over her company name ideas and logo sketches. I want to make sure I'm checking in on her.
Seungyeon sighs but she smiles. “I admit it's scary. It's a little too scary. So many thoughts in my head. I don't even know how I fall asleep at night anymore. It's not a jokeㅡthis plan. It could even backfire on me and I don't know how I would get back up if it does.”
“But?” I ask, sensing that there's a ‘but’ incoming.
“But I want to do it. I spent so much of my life being controlled by other people. I want to be in control this time. I want to do what I want to do. I want to spend my hard earned money on something I'm passionate about.” Seungyeon says, “I thought that when I succeeded, I would want nothing more, you know. But I'm human after all, I want more. After you achieve one dream, you find another one and then it's a circle.”
I sip from my sweet chamomile tea and look at her. “You sound so mature just now. I'm proud of you.”
“I'm always mature. You're the one who doesn't take me seriously, eonni.” She says with a chuckle.
“You can't blame me.”
The next morning, Seungyeon is all over the internet again. Articles about her leaving her long time agency have come out and her bullying issue resurfaces.
Again, I can't do anything but root for her. I wonder if sometimes that's enough.
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long time, no update guysss! im so sorry i've been all over the place lately with my writing. hope u liked this chapter <3
thank you for reading!