~grief is love not wanting to let go~
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TW: suicide letter (you'll know where it starts)
Grief changes, it never ends. It's not a place to stay it's more of a passage, you move on and go through different phases of emotions. Grief isn't a sign of weakness, nor is it a lack of faith, it's the price of love.
And Talea wishes that Regulus would be right by her side right now and she regrets that she even dared to put him in danger but he wanted to be part of this, he wanted to prove himself. She wishes that she could jump back in time to rescue him from any danger. But she couldn't.
The funeral was a week later, Dumbledore told everyone that Regulus died because of an illness. Talea wanted to scream out that he died as a good person, a person that sacrificed himself in order to help winning this war. But again, she couldn't.
Sirius Black stood secluded from all the scared 28 members that came to the funeral, faking their grief for a boy not one of them knew truly, just as the rest of the marauders. Dumbledore said it was a risk to show up there, he feared that someone would grow suspicious of them but they refused to stay at Hogwarts, they didn't care if anyone saw them because it was the least Regulus deserved for his sacrifice.
Sirius has been more reserved; his usual happy Aura was covered by darkness as he grieved for the loss of his brother. Knowing that his little brother wouldn't be at his side for quite some time.
They watched as the empty coffin was lowered into the ground. Tears left Talea's eyes and her vision was blurred when she noticed that on the other side stood a girl in the shadows, raven hair fell over her shoulders as she watched the coffin with tears streaming down her face. Eira Jaeger, the muggleborn Regulus Black was hopelessly in love with.
A crow settled near the Ravenclaw girl and the only thing Talea was able to feel at the moment was sadness and regret as Sirius intertwined their hands.
****
It seemed like every light that was left was more and more soaked in by the darkness that had once settled and never seemed to leave. When spring slowly turned into summer even the warmth of the sun couldn't defeat the cold that settled in everyone's heart. Even though Sirius and everyone else slowly started to live with the loss of Regulus, the world was still dipped into darkness and the war was worrying everyone. The only light that was left for Talea was the presence of her friends or family.
She was walking along the black lake, trying to find Eloise. She saw a blonde girl leaning on a tree and rushed towards her friend "Happy Birthday Eloise!" Her head shot up for a second before lowering again.
Talea frowned as she arrived at the tree, slumping down next to Eloise, out of breath. It was only then that she realised the letter in her friends' hand and her quiet sniffles. She laid a hand on her shoulder "Hey, what's wrong Lou?"
The blonde girl looked up to her, eyes red and puffy and handed her the letter. "It's from my mum. My real mum."
Dear Phoenix,
I wish you a happy birthday, my love!
When you read this, I'll be long gone to a better place, to find my happiness. I'm sorry that I left you alone in this cruel world.
When I was at your age, I met a boy. His name was Tom Riddle. We got close and I was foolish to think that he had true feelings for me. He was vile and cruel but I still fell for him. I felt for this ideal picture of him that I had in my mind, his looks and his popularity. It was one of the most toxic things I've done, I ignored the bad in him because I loved him.
He made me believe that he felt the same, the sparks, the butterflies, the happiness, the love. I knew that he was a monster, but around me? No, it was all different when it started. But when a monster stopped behaving like monster, did it stop being a monster?
I soon learned that this boy was not able to love but I still stayed, I ignored all the signs that showed his true self. The years he was in my life were one of the worsts. I would try anything to forget them but I hold onto them so much because he was in them.
When I found out about you, I was the happiest I've ever been. You were the light that I searched for, being surrounded by all the darkness but I soon realised that I couldn't keep you. I knew early on that you had inherited my powers and if Tom would've noticed he would've used you as a weapon. Just like me. I've lost everything, he made me kill my own family. I don't want more blood of my family on my hands and you don't deserve this chaotic life.
When I held you in my arms for the first time, I looked at your beautiful eyes and I was happy. But only for a while. I knew that I wasn't able to give you the life you deserved. You deserve a loving family, a save life and happiness. My weeks became long and tiring to a point where every second was torture. My heart ached for him, even after all the things he had done.
I always wondered what the end of the world looks like, I imagined a Skyfall, the oceans draining, the light fading and the animals dying. I imagined people screaming, mothers holding their crying children in their arms. But I've never imagined that my own world would end with my loved ones leaving me.
And after all these years I realised that I lost a person that I've never really had but you my dear, you lost someone that would do anything for you. And I'm sorry.
Maybe that's why I've never got help, I fell in love with the pain because it made me feel something, even if it was just for a few moments. I've killed my own happiness by loving someone more than I love myself.
I know that I'm broken and I can't be fixed. But never forget that I love you more than anything. I tried my best to stay for you, but I couldn't, I wasn't meant to be fixed.
Learn to understand and control your power and be careful who to trust your heart with. Don't you ever let the flame in your heart crumble to ashes. I love you with everything that is left of my heart,
Mum
A tear rolled down Talea's cheek as she finished reading. She turned towards her friend and threw her arms around her, engulfing her in a comforting hug. She brushed her hand through her hair and whispered "Oh Merlin Eloise, I'm so sorry. She loved you so much."
Eloise sobbed quietly into her shoulder "I hate him so much. I hate him so, so, so much." She leaned out of their touch and let out an angry cry "He ruined her! Without him my mum would still be alive! I despise- I hate him."
Talea still brushed her hand through Eloises hair and tilted her head "Maybe this is your reason to fight."
Eloise nodded and wiped her cheeks "Yes, it is. Talea?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to be the one to kill him."
Talea tried her best not to smile and replied "Of course, I wouldn't want to have it any other way."
A few hours later she walked back to the Gryffindor tower when a hand grabbed her arm and pulled her into a dark hallway. She wanted to scream but a hand covered her mouth.
"Pshh, be quiet."
Talea turned around to see no one else than the Ravenclaw girl that reminded her so much of Regulus. The girl pulled her hand off Talea mouth and let out a deep breath. "I- I know we've never really talked but I wanted to speak to you or Sirius Black."
Talea frowned "What is it?"
"Because of which illness did Regulus die?"
Talea froze and her eyes widened a little "Uh- he had something with his lungs." Eira raised a brow, she didn't believe a word. It was only then that Talea remembered something, she didn't exactly knew what it meant but Regulus made her tell Eira when time was right. "I do remember that you and him liked to read a certain book-"
Eira's eyes widened as her eyes glossed over, she knew what book it was. "Turn to page 93, line 21. He said you liked riddles?" Talea really had no idea what the Slytherin boy meant, she only knew that he made her tell Eira if something happens to him. "And after that turn to page 8."
Eiras voice was barely a whisper when she replied "Thank you" and ran off to the library.
****
It was true, Eira loved riddles. But maybe she started to hate them after she figured out what Regulus meant, because it felt like her heart has been ripped out for a second time these past months.
The answer wasn't written in the lines of the book. The numbers were the important thing.
9: The ninth letter of the Alphabet was an I.
3: The number three stands for love.
21: The twenty- first letter in the alphabet was an U.
8: If you turn the eight to the side, it is a very known symbol. Forever.
I love you, forever.