No one did ever find me that day till I walked out of that room. It was late afternoon by then. Everyone thought I had run off to stop Dominic alone but really, I was cowering in my room just like old times.
It felt like those old days. I'd have to go on another mission soon. I'd have to kill someone again. God, I don't even know how many different lives I took by now.. That massacre, I killed so many men. I dont know a single one of their faces.. I remember the fear I felt. I remember the fear i felt before all my missions. I remember all of it yet I don't remember anything after. Just the pain and fear. To think this was all caused by one nan..
"Where have you been? Zen's been worried sick!" Shirayuki found me.
"Sorry.." I whispered and continued to walk to the door leading outside. Still just in that night gown covered in dirt and mud, not even wearing a pair of shoes.
"Where are you going? Zen is in his office.." Shirayuki asked but I couldn't talk anymore. I just didn't feel the worth anymore.
How does one accept the fact they'll soon lose everything and everyone they've ever loved before going back to a lifetime of mental and physical torture? This is my end.. if I block it out now, I'll feel better..
As I walked, I had many pass by me and stare. No one said anything to me. I could hear their whispers. They said I used to be strong..
I know im pathetic.
I went to the forest inside the castle walls. Well, it was really that maze I had visited with zen once. I couldnt find my way around it to the swing.. I had been walking in circles for 15 minutes getting more and more frustrated till I finally broke. My voice left out a sigh of defeat quickly while my harded facial expression broke into total sadness and desperation.
So I sat down in the dirt and mud in the middle of a maze I couldn't escape.
I cried for so long. The sun had set and the cold night air blew in. It was so dark and cold. I cried out. I cried like a baby. I was completely broken. I've never felt this in my entire life. Even when I thought everyone was gone and I was alone, I had hope. But now.. There is no hope. There's no future. There's no further life I can live. It was silly of me to think I could have love. To think I could hold, and nurture it into something life long. It was stupid to think I could have my family or even create another.. Now so many are hurt. Obi, dad, my siblings, Zen.. We will never win. I've hurt and killed so many over selfishly wanting to live a life full of love. Now I have to go..
I cried into my hands louder than I had ever before. There's a feeling of embarrassment usually when you cry but not now. Not anymore. Now I deserve the right.
I cried till my head spun. I cried till I was found. First it was dad and obi.
"N/n.." Dad called with that old nickname while obi came right to me. He checked me for injuries before hugging me tight.
When they saw me crouched in the dirt covered in mud, they saw nothing but a girl in a dirty night gown swarmed in horrible memories. They saw the scars. They saw the blood and saw more than sweat and tears. Dad came and held obi and i. I cried while the two most important people in my life held me tight not knowing what to do. I had never brokered down like this in front of them. Zen maybe, but never them.
They helped me up. Obi carried me on his back out of this maze and to safety. I had my head down. My knotted hair falling over my face pressed against the back of obis shoulder. I didn't speak nor did I move. They brought me to Zen. He was more than worried for me. I was limp as obi handed me off to zen at his quarters.
"Shes worse than when she left alfin.." Obi spoke quietly as Zen held my limp body in his arms. He sat on the edge of his bed while I was resting in his arms. I cant even pick myself up anymore. I don't want to speak or move or even breathe.
"Worse?!.." Dad whisper shouted in a panic. "How is what's happening now worse than before? Her mother died.." Dad whispered to them. Zen gently pressed his hand against my cheek as I listened to all of this. My eyes stayed shut and I could barely focus on their words but zen held me through and through.
"I heard the maids talking earlier. She talked to izona this morning and told him she was going to give into Dominic sooner or later.." Obis voice was very soft but I could somewhat makeout what he had said.
"I won't let her.." Zen had finally said something since I was given to him. "For now, she just needs time to relax.."
"Yeah, and a bath.. She hasn't taken care of herself at all, she's covered in mud still.." Dad sighed to them quietly. I don't feel disgusted by myself somehow. I know im gross and I know I haven't tried to fix myself but I don't care..
"Ill take care of her.. That was my promise to her.." Zen whispered as his thumb gently brushed across my cheek. Remembering that promise brought back some feeling.. it made me cry again.. No sound came out and I didn't move, tears just fell and stained his hand.. "Go.. I can handle things.." Zen whispered to them.
Obi and dad left quietly without anymore words. I slowly listened to the door shut as another tear slipped down my cheek.
"I promised I'd take care of you.. Look at what I did though.." Zen muttered to me as he gently pulled me further into his arms. I didn't speak. I just kept my eyes shut and rested. We stayed like this for a minute longer. "Do you want to take a bath?.." He asked quietly. I didn't answer. I didn't move. "Then.. for now we'll wipe away the mud and I'll give you some new clothes.." He spoke softly as he gently sat me up. He was so careful, he thought id fall right over if he let go. I sat up while zen slowly stood. I kept my head down and my hair covering my eyes while zen went to his bathroom. I could hear the water softly run. After a second he came out to me with a wet rag. He stopped in front of where I sat and kneeled. Then he-.. he wiped the mud from my dirty skin..
My eyes were cracked open to see this.. and I cried all over again. Quiet tears rolled down my face and dripped onto my chest as he rinsed my skin. My feet are bloody and cut up from walking and riding that horse without shoes. He didn't even care.. he washed the blood, the dirt and did it without a thought.. finally he took my hand. It's dirty too.. He slowly wiped up to my elbow before finding me crying again. At how low he sat, he could clearly see my face. My barely cracked open, red eyes streaming with tears. The defeated look in my face. How helpless I truely am now.. I am nothing. I'm just a body meant to be tossed around.. im just a soldier.. Yet he's caring for me.. He wiped away the blood and dirt. He's held me so gently and cared for me evrytime I was sick. He hasn't given up yet.. but I have.. I am lost.. I have lost..
"Stop crying.." He whispered as he looked into my eyes. He looked so scared and sad and he had no idea what to do for me. I quietly shut my eyes so I didn't have to see that look anymore. I dont want to feel anything. I can't have this and I wont.. hes only caring for a corpse.
After a quiet second he began wiping down my skin again. I zoned it out.. then his touch left my skin. It made me panic somehow. It left me scared and helpless. I couldn't help cracking open my eyes again. He was at his dresser.. He took out a pair of pajamas then came back over to me.
"Do you need help dressing?.." He asked quietly as I kept my head down. For the first time, I shook my head no. "Then I'll leave this here for you. Is it alright if I left to get you dinner? I assume you haven't eaten today" zen sounded a bit happier. I shook my head no again. I don't want to eat but I really just don't want him to leave either.. after a quiet second, I reached for the collar of my night gown and gently slid down the sleeve.
Zen made a quiet, paniced noise when he noticed this. I want to feel something from this. Maybe embarrassed, shy, happy.. Nothing came up.. as he turned, I kept undressing. I pulled off my dress over my head. I felt cold at least.. I slid his shirt over my head. It smells exactly as he does.. Then I slowly stood and put on the pants that were far too big for me. I wish I could truely feel how much the moment should mean to me..
I sat back down once those pants were on and landed with a loud noise. After a second, zen turned to me again. He.. he let out a quiet chuckle..
"I've never seen your hair quite this messy before.." he spoke softly to me as he came closer. He gently took a bit of my hair in his hand and brushed out the small knot till it was all gone. He did that to all of my hair. He was gentle and didn't pull it. He moved my hair out of my face and behind my ear if it would stay there.
"You worried your siblings half to death.. Me too.." he spoke as he gently brushed my hair with his fingers. "I thought you left.. silly girl.." he chuckled as he slowly sat. I let my body give out, he noticed quick and pulled me too him. I was totally numb. "Youve saved me and my kingdom more than a couple times, its my turn to take care of things.. Its my turn to give you hope.." he spoke quietly. Hope.. I already gave up on hope..
Even so, I still cried. I long for that hope he talks about. All night he spoke to me. He told me lots of things. He told me his perspective about our relationship thus far. It was all good things.. he said he realized I was pushing too hard this whole time. Even when things were okay, I still pushed till I've reached my limit again. I dont care though.. I dont have limits, I just know when to call a fight over.. I know who won..
That night was very long..