Beads of sweat dripped down from my forehead while I gasped for air.
I have been reliving this nightmare for as long as I can remember, increasing its intensity with each passing day.
It is fucking torture.
I looked over the alarm clock as the red digits burned through my eye sockets. It is 02:02 AM, the same time I have been waking up without fail.
I gave an audible sigh as I plopped back into my pillows while I stared at the dark ceiling.
I lay silent as I listened to the hum of passing vehicles with their headlights streaking across my bedroom.
I do not know what this nightmare means or care to find out. I want it to stop.
"Honey..." a soft groan escaped my partner next to me. "Are you having those night terrors again?"
I glanced over to look at my partner as he reached to give me a full embrace before I could provide a complete answer. He rested his head on my breasts as I kissed his forehead and gave an audible sigh.
"No... I am just an insomniac, and you know that." I lied. "Why don't you go back to sleep? I will be alright."
Ezrah nuzzled my chest as he hugged me tightly while I watched him drift back to sleep. I slowly escaped his embrace as I quietly left my bedroom and closed the door, muting his soft snores.
I walked in the darkness and found myself sitting on my couch with a wine bottle next to me, looking outside from the balcony toward the night sky as I drank straight from the bottle.
I am a fucking disaster.
With a sigh, I put my wine bottle down on the glass coffee table as I listened to the snores from my bedroom. "At least he can sleep peacefully," I mumbled before taking another swig from the bottle.
"Dreams... they mean nothing anyway." I stared in silence as I listened to the hum of vehicles passing through. At least living in the city has perks for night owls like myself.
My eyes darted at the time again, and it was 2:47 AM. Barely any time had passed.
I groaned as I stood up again with the wine bottle in my left hand, reaching toward the counter for the melatonin, taking two pills, and downing it with the rest of the alcohol that was left.
I scoffed in annoyance at the empty bottle and tossed it into the garbage with a loud clang. The snores continued to echo from my bedroom, despite the door being closed.
"I need more alcohol," I grumbled.
The wooden floor creaked as I walked toward my bathroom and turned on the lights as I observed myself in the mirror. I washed my face and brushed my hair as I inspected the dark circles under my eyes. It is getting worse.
I continued to stare at myself in the mirror. I hated how I looked. I do not look normal, as per today's beauty standards—just an exotic freak with an acquired taste. I look like I belong from nowhere but everywhere at the same time. How can my face look androgynous, but my body is feminine?
I sighed. I have issues. Way too many issues. I started toward the sink in silence, waiting for the medication to kick in with the alcohol I consumed before heading to bed again.
With a soft creak, I opened my bedroom door, only to be welcomed by the usual snores from Ezrah. I quietly snuck back to my side of the bed and stared at the red digits of the clock before me as it burned bright at 03:03 AM. I kept seeing these same numbers without skipping a beat, no matter what I did or what routine I decided to go forward in the night. Nor do I care what it means. I want this all to stop.
I let my eyelids drop as I felt the medication and the alcohol kick in.
I hope to sleep for a few more hours.
My body drifted off to sleep, only to be woken up by a loud bang and anger from my partner's voice. It is daylight out, and I am not in the mood to deal with his unnecessary tirade. With a groan, I put a blanket over my head as I heard angry footsteps heading toward the bedroom door.
The door swung open as I lay motionless under the covers, pretending I was still asleep.
"What have I told you about drinking your liquor while taking your medication? This is not funny."
I froze. Oh shit.
"I know you are awake, and I am not putting up with this anymore. Get up!" Ezrah pulled my blanket covers as I lay in a fetal position, ignoring him.
I sighed as I felt his anger burning through me. I casually got up to a sitting position from the side of the bed, adjusting my sight due to the sudden brightness that engulfed the bedroom. I need new curtains.
"I told you I am fine, and it is not a big deal." I lied, and I honestly feel like crap. "I do not understand why you are so angry and worked up this early in the morning."
"Morning?!" He scoffed. "It is almost 2 PM! I snoozed all of your alarms because they won't stop ringing! I was not even quiet about it. I thought you had a rough night, and I let you sleep. Until I started to sort the trash and came across your bottle and your sleeping medication on the counter!"
I blinked as my eyes darted over the clock.
It is 01:53 PM. Great.
I rubbed my face as I stood up and turned around to face him, only to see Ezrah visibly upset and holding the melatonin I had taken last night.
I screwed up.
"Listen, about that...."
"About what?" He responded. "We talked about this, and you promised you were not doing this anymore. Don't you realize that stuff like this has serious side effects? Especially with the dosage amount you have been taking? 10 MG!!"
Ezrah tossed the pill bottle toward me as it landed on the bed. I tried to look guilty, but, in all honesty, I did not care.
I crossed my arms. "Ezrah, there is no need to be angry about this. I told you, and I have this under control. It is not like I am never going to wake up. I am fine." I tried walking past him as he stood there, unbudging from the doorway.
"No, you are not fine." He stared down at me as I rolled my eyes as brushed past him, heading toward the bathroom. I closed the door before I stopped in front of the sink to let the water run to a lukewarm temperature. I washed my face as I looked at myself in the mirror, inspecting the dark circles under my eyes again.
A knock on the door resonated as I let out an exasperated sigh. I do not want to talk about it. I let the water run as I stared blankly at the faucet, hoping that Ezrah would give up and go away.
"You know I am still here." He beckoned. "I know how you get when you get confronted over stuff like this."
The sound of running water added to the awkward pause.
"Listen... If you don't care, I care. I care enough for both of us. I am worried." There was a light tap with a forward push of the door as he leaned on it. "I know it was not right the way to wake you up. But I panicked, okay?"
My hand reached toward the faucet handle to slowly close the valve, as the steady stream of water became droplets, then came to a complete stop.
"I want you to get better. Be better." Ezrah lamented as I reached toward the towel, as the door remained closed, separating us. "I want you to talk about things that bother you and not let them fester you and eat you alive."
I paused after I let the fibers of the towel dry my face, with my ears perking up at the words he had just uttered.
"Please... let's start this day on the right foot. I made your favorite breakfast, and coffee is still hot." I smiled as Ezrah continued his monologue. "Come out. You are still beautiful to me."
I reached toward the door handle after I hung the towel out to dry. You are not the problem. I thought, and I could not talk about it.
With a sigh, I opened the door, only for my gaze to be met with his.
I do not deserve this man.
Ezrah looked at me lovingly as he caressed my cheek. "You do know I love you, right?" My head pressed against the softness of his hand while I instinctively brushed my hand with his as he continued to hold me.
"I know you do," I responded as I smiled slightly.
He let go of my cheek as he lifted my chin. "Since you do, you should know I am still angry at you, and you are not off the hook." Ezrah smiled as he kissed my forehead. "Let's eat first. I made those fluffy pancakes you always raved about."
Words cannot describe how guilty I felt as he grabbed my hand to lead me toward the dining room, only to find a beautifully decorated table. Fresh watermelon, pineapple, strawberry, and banana slices are delicately placed in a bowl, and slightly deflated pancakes are stacked between the syrup and yogurt with an orange juice carton to the side. All laid out over an ivory table cover, silvery cutlery, and bright spring flowers to accent it.
I was ushered to my seat before he walked off to get a fresh coffee and mugs while I stared at the flowers. He does love me. I smiled as he set down the mugs and poured the coffee. Ezrah quickly walked back to the kitchen counter to place back the coffee pot, with a short stop at the refrigerator to bring the milk, and then the counter again for the sugar before sitting down next to me.
An audible scrape from the chair across the wooden floor caught my attention as Ezrah finally settled down and smiled sheepishly. "I did not get the formula right since I was a bit heavy-handed with the egg whites. Those Japanese sure know how to create wonderful recipes over the simplest things." He reached out the stack of pancakes and lovingly placed two on my plate before decorating it with strawberry and banana slices, slowly drowning it all with syrup.
I gave Ezrah a curious look as he served my meal. "Don't look at me like that." He scoffed. "Go ahead, eat. You need it more than me." He sipped his coffee as I cut through the pancakes, only to have a custard filling ooze out of it. I smiled.
I took my first bite as I enjoyed the pleasant flavor of the custard and the dough, quickly inhaling the fruit. Words cannot describe the feeling of euphoria as I gulped down my breakfast, ignoring the broad smile from my partner as he watched me consume his masterpiece, only to be all gulped down with coffee.
A soft clink caught my attention as Ezrah put down his fork with a sad expression. He barely ate anything and quietly sipped his coffee with a glazed look in his eyes, fighting back the tears.
I fucked up this time.
Guilt consumed me as I instinctively reached toward his hand, catching his attention and changing his sad expression back to being loving again. "You did not have to do this, you know?" I spoke. "This must have taken all morning. I..." I paused, "I am sorry. I have a bad habit of dealing with my toxic co-dependencies. You do not deserve to witness it. Let alone dealing with it." I gently squeezed his hand as he listened intently. "You already know I have a nightmare plaguing me for many years for as long as I can remember. It caused me unnecessary health problems and pain long before meeting you."
A smile crept as Ezrah continued to look at me intensely. "So, are you willing to tell me about that?" He pointed toward the garbage can. "I know of your nightmares, but you only make things much more difficult to heal if you keep doing irresponsible things that will jeopardize everything you worked for. Do you think it is worth it?'
So much for me not caring. I thought.
"Why don't you eat first? I already hindered your day as is." I released my grip as I stood up, only for him to grab my arm, pulling me back down.
"Don't leave." He pleaded. "I will eat. I don't want you to make a decision that you will regret."
I sat back down. "No, I won't regret anything," I answered. "But I understand what you mean, Ezrah, and it is just...." I scoffed. "Having a nightmare that starts off being naked in front of a courtroom, only to be burned alive as everyone watches, and replayed without skipping a beat for years on end, it can become traumatizing."
An audible clank of silverware was dropped as Ezrah coughed mid-bite from his food. "You say, burned alive?" He gasped as he cleared his throat after drinking the orange juice. I raised an eyebrow based on that question.
"This is the first time you ever said anything about your dream. Ever." He continued. "I have known you for a few years; you always avoided any questions regarding your dreams."
I sighed as I reached for the yogurt, eating a spoonful before answering. "Well, it is not something you can openly just talk about it." I ate another spoonful. "Ever since I was a child, I kept getting weird dreams. These dreams are the reason why I am so detached." A chuckle escaped me as I studied my partner's expression since he furrowed his brows. "Did I say something wrong?"
Ezrah flared his nostrils as he responded with an annoyed tone. "Stop acting like there is something wrong with you." He wiped the corners of his mouth as he ate his last bite. "You know for a fact, the last thing I want to do is judge you for who you are."
I licked the spoon as I finished the yogurt, sliding the bowl away from me as I reached for the juice carton to pour its contents into the transparent glass. "A part of me knows that already, but...." I paused as I topped off the juice before closing the carton's lid and putting it aside. "There is always another part of me that always expects the worst from people after certain things are said. You know, like some form of precognition. It is hard to explain." I took a few gulps from the glass, drinking its contents and stopping it halfway, savoring the tartness and sweetness of the orange. "At the end of the day, it does not help that every time I speak about such things, it always comes true."
The air in the room suddenly became stale, and there was an uncomfortable silence between us for a few moments.
I watched my partner intently as he grew uncomfortable since he could not find words to respond to what I had just said. Ezrah pursed his lips before locking his gaze with mine. "Well, I was not superstitious or a huge believer in dreams until I started to get to know you. You had mentioned a few things about certain events that came true in the past, and it was humorous the most, nothing catastrophic involving loss of life or anything related to that." He leaned back in his chair, looking up. "I just do not want you to get hung up over an event that will never happen."
I finished the rest of the contents of the glass. "This is why I don't like talking to you about things like this." I stood up and picked up my plates. "Thank you for the wonderful breakfast; let me get my day started." I walked out of the dining room, not waiting for his response, and dropped them at the kitchen sink before heading toward the bathroom.
I quickly got undressed as I got the shower started. I embraced the cool water as I lathed myself with soap and coated my hair with shampoo as I listened to the music emanating from the living room.
Was I too harsh on him? He is trying. I let the water thoroughly coat me as I tried drowning out the melancholy notes of soft jazz and the faint clinks of silverware and ceramic plates being washed at the kitchen sink.
I shut off the faucet as I stared blankly at the wall, listening to the droplets that fell from the showerhead.
I stepped off and wrapped myself in a clean towel before heading to my bedroom, only to find the bed already made with a set of clean comfy clothes and underwear folded neatly for me at its bedside. I smiled; I could not stay mad at him forever.
A pair of hands wrapped around my waist with a soft kiss planted at my neck. I gasped at the sudden sensation as his hands traveled up to unwrap my towel, only for me to step away, giving Ezrah a scornful look.
"We did that already. Last night." I threw a pillow at him, and he responded with a groan.
"Come on, do you know what you do to me every time I see you like this?" He tossed the pillow back onto the bed. "Last night doesn't count."
"Oh really?" I responded. I took off the towel and got dressed, only to catch him watching me. "I guess the multiple wrappers do not count since you are too busy tidying up our home, hence why you found that bottle in the trash."
Ezrah turned red as he crossed his arms, clearing his throat. "I have no comment."
Facing the mirror, I started to brush my hair. "Of course, you don't." I smiled. "So, what do you have in mind other than that."
He leaned over to kiss my cheek. "I want to apologize."
"For?" I raised my eyebrow.
"Earlier, I should not have said what I said." He responded.
I put down the hairbrush. "Let's not talk about that anymore, and I am already over it."
Ezrah opened his mouth to answer as a loud knock came from my front door, startling me.
"Are you expecting anyone?" He inquired as he raised an eyebrow.
An odd gut feeling came from within as there was a second knock, louder than the first, as I shook my head.
He left the bedroom to answer the door hastily as my eyes darted to the red digits of my alarm clock.
04:04 PM.
My breath grew shallow. Instinctively I knew what it meant, but I did not comprehend it. I swallowed my spit as I wiped the beads off my forehead before disconnecting my gaze from the alarm clock. I followed Ezrah as he turned the corner of the wall, heading to the front door. At the same time, another audible knock echoed through the apartment.
Don't open the door.
"I am coming. What's the rush?!" Ezrah responded to the knock.
Before I could say anything, he opened the door, only to be greeted by a well-dressed man with a piercing predatory gaze.
The man smiled, revealing an uncomfortable, yellow, toothy grin. "Ah, I thought this apartment was vacant. My apologies!" He lowered his head to show his respect. "Did I catch you, folks, at the wrong time?"
Before Ezrah could answer, I replied. "Yes, you have." I stepped out of my door. "You have no business knocking on people's doors like a Jahova's witness. It is rude."
The man's grimace got reduced to a smirk. "It is not my intention to catch you at the wrong time. I have been knocking on doors all day, only to find the majority of the apartments in this complex to be vacant. You are the first residents I came across since early morning!" He chuckled.
"State your business then." I pressed, only for Ezrah audibly clear his throat and beckon me to stay back.
Something does not seem right about this guy.
"I am sorry, my girlfriend can sometimes be a bit tense." He eyed me as he continued. "What purpose can we assist you with?"
The man glared at me before changing his gaze to Ezrah. "I am just going around the complex since I am the new manager here. I recently purchased this property from a lovely realtor. I am simply introducing myself to any residents that are left here. Hopefully, with the change of management, we can have more liveliness in this place since it lacks a bit."
Ezrah raised an eyebrow. "Since when was there a change of management?"
The man smiled as he handed out his business card. "Call me if you have any questions. I will happily try to make your stay in your living quarters more pleasant. I ask you wonderful folks to bear with me since I am a bit pressed for time." The man changed his gaze back to me. "After all, we are only human."
Notes: The times listed play a significant role. Not going to tell you what they are until a bit further into the story since it will spoil it. You can freely do the research if you wish.
Music: Human by Sevdaliza