Tonight, it's the baby shower event but right now I have to check up on my own baby.
Four months. What a leap! It's like just yesterday I found out I was nine weeks pregnant.
My stomach does a quiet rumble as I eat a small mandarin. I wear a dress that's comfortable enough for me. I find myself wearing dresses more often since I haven't had the time to buy maternity clothes.
Tyler has been at his worst week yet. He insisted to come today, but I convinced him that I was okay on my own.
They call my name and Dr. Aaron is already inside. Her belly is much bigger now and she gives me her warm smile. The same one I saw at church that weekend I went with Tyler again. My poor cowboy couldn't stand for anything. All he did was close his eyes and quietly pray from his seat. The sight got me angrier with God.
Don't you see him? Can't you do anything?
How does God look away when Tyler is so loyal to him?
But my anger slowly subsided as people greeted us. They approached Tyler with warm hugs and he let them comfort him. The pastor came over to pray for him and I quietly observed on the side. He then tried to pray for me and when he started to touch my small bump, I instinctively stepped back.
The pastor laughed and Tyler only did a small smile. "I'm sorry," he said. "May I pray for you?"
I did a small nod and let his hand land on my shoulder. Almost immediately, I felt this warmth I still can't comprehend. But I do miss it...
"You look fancy today," Dr. Aaron says as she observes my baby from her screen. "You haven't gone maternity shopping or are you going to a party afterward?"
"Yes on both," I say. "I organized a baby shower today. I have to go prep it up after this."
"Oh. So you're an event planner?"
"I am."
"How nice. Maybe you can plan my baby shower soon."
"I'd love to!"
Dr. Aaron quietly goes back to the ultrasound and turns on the volume to hear the heartbeat. Once again, it's like music to my ears. The only music I've heard in a while since Tyler's chemo session.
"How's Tyler doing?" Dr. Aaron now says.
"He's okay. He has his good and bad days."
"I'm sorry you have to go through it all while being pregnant."
I do a sad shrug. "I guess so, but I have a great support team."
"That's great. It's always good to have friends. But you have a little someone around all the time for five more months."
We share a laugh at this and I take a look at my little person. It does sudden movements on screen and I let a gasp escape my lips. "It's moving! Why don't I feel it?"
"It's been moving for a few weeks now. You won't feel it just yet. Trust me. They will be strong and clear."
I tenderly look back at the screen and I wish Tyler was here. He would be smiling just as big. But the appointment ends too soon and I nod along to all the instructions she gives me. Once I'm back in the car, I put on my agenda to make an appointment for WIC and make groceries.
I finally arrive at the place I've chosen for the baby shower and I see Anna already starting the decorations with a big smile.
"Hey!" I say to her. "Thanks for starting. The appointment went longer than I expected."
"How's your little munchkin?"
"Big and moving so much!" I say with excitement. "The whole time I saw its little legs moving and twitching."
"How cute!" Anna has her shine back as she says this. "We're okay now."
"You and—"
"Yes. We've decided to just...be happy with the children around us. My sisters. You. Gail. We have plenty of kids all around!"
My heart shrinks despite her positive mind. I know at the end of the day, that sadness of not feeling what I feel will come at her.
But we get to work and the mother arrives with her large belly. Her eyes are wide and her smile is brighter than anyone's. Her hand lands on her large belly as she says, "This is...amazing." Her eyes land on us and holds back tears. "Thank you..."
I give her a tight hug and say, "Anything for you and your little one."
"But I think someone should be by me, too!" She looks down at the small hint of my bump showing at the top of my white dress and smiles. "Looks like you're on the waiting, too."
"You can't imagine," I say as my hands form my small bump. "I can't wait to see it."
"Trust me. The anxiety gets stronger. I'm using this party as a distraction. I can barely sleep!"
I chuckle at this and watch Anna lead her to her seat. Guests start to arrive and I lead them to their spots as well. Everything's going just fine until I get a call from my phone. When I see the number, anger threatens to start in my veins.
I thought I blocked my mother's phone number.
I quickly hang her up and take a bite of the snacks we've put out. My stomach rumbles at the soft smells coming from the kitchen and I tell it to calm down. Guests come first.
As I finish up my second bag of trail mix, the mother comes up to me with wide eyes. "Is that what you're going to eat?!"
"Hm? Oh. I was just munching."
She does a small laugh. "You know that munching slowly turns into hunger. Why don't you get a plate?"
"The guests—"
"All have food. Tell your friend to give the kids a break outside and come in to get something to eat."
My stomach growls now and I quickly call in Anna. She looks up from sitting on the ground with a big smile and a lot of little children surrounding her. She excitedly tells something to the kids and they all run off to do their own thing. One of them takes a hold of her leg and begs her to stay.
"Wait up!" she says with a giggle as she drags herself inside. "I need my cheese sandwich, too!"
"But I want you to stay forever!"
Anna laughs and picks her up instead. The little girl lays her head on her shoulder and happily watches her make herself a plate. My heart suddenly turns soft at this sweet sight.
The girl locks eyes with me and smiles. It's enough to make my heart fly as I imagine my baby smiling at me. My baby hold my neck as tenderly as she holds Anna. I imagine her little voice telling me how much she needs me.
But for now, all my baby needs from me is food as my stomach slaps me back to reality. I take a seat by Anna and the little girl has finally run off with her brother. Anna lets out a breath and I chuckle at her.
As I happily fill my stomach, the mother gently stands to give a toast to our hard work. We humbly nod at their claps and she continues on thanking everyone for coming.
My phone vibrates in my bag and I quickly take a look at it.
Tyler.
I step to the side where there isn't much noise and answer. "Hey, hun."
"Where are you? Is it your baby shower event today?"
There's a hint of anger in his weak voice that leaves me confused. "Yes. I told you yesterday, Tyler. Is everything alright?"
"Why didn't you remind me today? I always go with you!"
"Baby...I prefer you stay home. It's okay if you don't come—"
"No no. I'll go."
"No, Tyler. Stay home. You need to res—"
The line goes dead. I click my tongue in frustration and just go back to my seat. It's not like he knows where I'm at.
But soon enough, I see Tyler walking in with messy hair and a pale face. People gasp when they see him enter but his eyes are on mine. I can't help but let my mouth drop in surprise when he comes over with his guitar.
"I'm here. I'm ready." His voice is scratchy and he does weak breaths.
"Tyler. What are you doing here?! You can't just barge in!"
"Is that Tyler Blue?" the mother says. "My husband is such a big fan. He'll be arriving soon with the dessert!"
"I'm gonna sing for you," Tyler weakly says.
I want to be angry, but my heart shrinks as he gets a stool and tries hard to get on. His weak muscles struggle and I quickly help him keep his balance. People whisper and observe him with furrowed brows, but I don't care. I keep him from falling as his weak fingers make a distorted melody.
He clears his throat and tries to sing, but it only comes out in a scratchy sound. My heart shrinks and I forget the people watching with disgust. So I put my arm around his shoulders as he quietly cries.
"It's okay, baby," I softly whisper to him. "It's okay. Let's go home."
"No no!" he angrily says. "I'm your music man! I—"
Tears fall down his cheeks and his weak body threatens to fall from the stool. So I try my best to help him off the stool. Someone suddenly grabs his other side. I look up to see Anna shine her sad eyes at me as we walk back to my car.
"Stay. I'll be back."
"Don't worry. I'll take it from here," Anna says with determination. "And I'll ask my husband to take his car back."
I give her his keys and set him in the passenger seat. Once I close the door, I give Anna a tight hug. I don't have to say anything for her to know my gratitude.
Then I'm off to our home. I look over at his defeated body leaning against the door. Tears keep falling out and I take his hand. He looks back at me with weak eyes and guilt shines in them.
"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry..."
"It's okay," I say as I swallow down a sob. "I've got you."
"My guitar."
"Don't worry, honey. I'll ask Anna to hold on to it. It'll be okay. I promise."
Tyler closes his teary eyes and weakly says, "I'm sorry..."
I give his hand a soft squeeze and say what my heart keeps saying every moment I see him. Every time I hear our baby's heartbeat. Every time I sing the melody of his heart when he's too weak to do so.
"I love you."