~Koushi Sugawara~
"What do you think Asahi wants to meet for today?" Daichi pondered as we strolled down the hallway, slowly closing the distance to the club room.
"Ah, that Negative Nancy probably just has to ask some questions." I cracked up.
Daichi smiled back. "Oh you're probably right."
"Sawamura! Sugawara!" We were being called from a voice down the hallway. Michimiya Yui had appeared from around a corner.
"Michimiya, hey!" Daichi called out. "Keeping busy with college prep?"
She laughed as if she was tired of hearing that question. "Definitely. I'm just glad exams are over! How did those go for you guys?"
"Haha... about that..." I sighed.
"Two of our first years have to take make up exams tomorrow morning."
Yui looked on sympathetically. "Oh no... don't you guys leave for that training camp in Tokyo by then?"
"Yeah," I interjected. "But everything should be okay."
"I see!" She smiled, and suddenly faced me completely. "Speaking of first years... have you seen Toshiko today, Sugawara?"
"Toshiko...? No I haven't."
"Really?!"
"Uh, no? Why?"
"O-oh! No reason! You two are so close I thought you might've known where she is." My stomach tightened. My mouth went dry. And I felt a heat crawl up my neck. Michimiya then mumbled under her breath. Something about a promise. Daichi asked her to speak up, but she awkwardly excused herself saying it was nothing. We waved her goodbye and continued our walk to the club room in silence.
I chewed the inside of my cheek as I sat on the floor facing away from the door. Daichi sat with a 'whomp' right next to me. "What's with that face?"
"I'm not making a face." I grumbled and crossed my arms.
"Haha right... and my names not Daichi."
"Pfffft. Whatever." His sarcasm pulled a smile out of me and I took a deep breath to quell my annoyed feelings. Lately, it had felt like I couldn't escape Toshiko or my feelings for her. And it just hurt me more every time I thought about it.
Daichi and I talked about the day for several minutes. The clock ticked on and soon we realized something: Asahi was late. And he was the one who asked us to be there!
"Where do you think he is?" I asked.
"I'm sure he'll be here soon. And anyway, I gotta ask..."
"What is it?"
"Something's going on with you and Toshiko, huh?" There it was again. Another painful twist of a knife in my heart. Rubbing it in that she was someone I wanted but couldn't have for myself. And it pissed me off.
I huffed. "No, nothing is going on between me and her." My emotions were getting the better of me. They were bubbling up uncontrollably and escaping through my voice. Daichi quirked his eyebrow.
"Hm? Why do you say that, Suga? I think-"
"I will never, ever get with Toshiko. It's not worth it! I just wish everyone would drop it already, damn!" Finally, I lashed out. It's not like I was mad at him, just the situation. My body twitched at the sound of a new voice.
"Oh no..."
Asahi..?
He stood in the doorway looking mortified, and right after that I was too... Toshiko was with him.
Shit... oh God... she couldn't have heard what I said. I didn't even hear the door open! Please tell me she didn't hear what I just said.
She dropped her face, I couldn't see her eyes. But she began backing out of the room. A pink envelope fell from her hands. She heard.
Reach for her. Don't let her leave. Apologize... say something..!
"I-I'm sorry." Her voice cracked. "I didn't mean-" Bump! She backed into Asahi's chest. "Sorry..!" And in a flash she ran out of there with him trying to call out to her.
It felt like I was underwater; moving at a forcibly slow pace with muffled sound filling my head. My ears, they were ringing. My skin, covered in cold sweat. My lungs... Heavy, frozen, restricted. The heart that lived in my chest threatened to burst out with every beat. And my teeth gritted as I picked up the small paper, there was no denying what that was for.
I fucked up.
With every ounce of strength I could force into my legs I burst out of my water mind trap and left my friends behind me. Desperate to find the girl I had feelings for. The girl whose heart I just broke. I didn't care how loud I was being, my voice carried into the air as I ran a lap around the club room building.
How'd she get away from me so fast?
"Toshiko, please!! Where are you?! Toshikooo!"
I ran. I wasn't going to stop running until I fixed my mistake.
Breathless and desperate, I burst through the gym door. It was dark and abandoned in there.
"Toshiko! Are you in here?" Blood pumped to my ears, making it hard to listen for clues.
'Ca-clank!'
A broomstick in the equipment room. My feet walked urgently in that direction.
Please be her, PLEASE be her...!
"Toshiko!" The slam of the door harmonized with my pleas as my chest heaved from the worry and the running. It was desolate, silent. My eyes darted back and forth in the dimness and spotted the broom that fell, but not the girl. "No..." I shook. "Please no... where is she?" I steadied myself in the doorframe and held my forehead with my other hand. I teetered at the edge, about to give up and look somewhere else. But there was a sound, like a shoe scraping the floor, and a hissed curse word.
Is that...?
"...Toshiko?" I tentatively stepped further into the space. The air was chilly and damp. Through the darkness I found her, crouched behind a tall stack of gym mats making herself as small as possible. Her head was glued to her crossed arms on her knees. Despite my appearance, Toshiko refused to look at me.
"Toshiko, I-"
"No Sugawara." She croaked. The use of my full name ripped my heart in half. "Don't try to cover it up. I heard everything..."
"Please just let me explain-"
Her eyes finally shot up to mine, tears fell. But she looked mad. "What is there to explain?! I was rejected before I could even deliver a real confession! I just... wanna be left alone-"
"Toshiko!" I shouted, and she blinked in shock. "Please..." My knees shook and I sank to the floor in that small shared space. "Listen to me." Pleading. Never more serious about anything. I could breathe again when she simply nodded and rested her chin on her knees, averting my gaze.
"What you heard back there... it- it wasn't what I meant."
"Oh is that right?" She chided in hurtful sarcasm. "No one can ever say what they mean around me, huh?"
My breath shook as I tried to keep myself together. I was losing someone extremely important to me right in front of my eyes, but I was telling the truth! "Please, you gotta believe me."
"And why should I?! You told Daichi right then and there that we don't have a chance together!"
"It's not like I don't want there to be a chance!!"
Toshiko paused, slowly reaching my eyes with hers and looking on in shock. "...What? W-what do you mean..?"
Gently, and slow enough for her to move away if she wanted, I scooted forward and closer to her. I whispered, "What I mean is... is I like you too. And I've had feelings for you this whole time, Toshiko. That's why what you heard back there isn't what I meant..."
Watery eyes darted back and forth, observing my face in confusion. "But... but if that's the case then why did you-?"
I took her hand and held it in my own, slowly cupping it against the floor between us while I leaned further still. "Every part of me wants to be with you... even though I tried to stop it. But it was an uncontrollable whirlwind. And once I realized I was in too deep, I had to set my boundary."
"What boundary?"
"The boundary that keeps us from dating... we can't be together... no matter how much either of us want to. That was the limit I set."
"But why?!" She protested.
I felt a twist in my gut again. My heart punched at my throat. "Because it wouldn't be fair to you!"
There was a long pause. I had to concentrate on my breathing for a minute before gaining the courage to continue.
"Think about it... I'm a third-year. You're a first-year. I graduate high school soon. I go off to college soon. I leave this place soon... you still have your whole high school experience ahead of you. And... and it would be selfish of me to limit you to myself. No matter how hard I would try, I wouldn't always be able to be there for you, I wouldn't be able to give you the love and attention that I would want to give you."
Her mouth dropped open. I watched as her face contorted through different emotions as she thought of something to say. "But... but you don't know that..."
"I do..." My voice cracked. "This isn't like manga or the movies. In real life, people try to make something work under poor circumstances and end up getting burned in the end. And the last thing I want to do is put you through that kind of hurt. So, despite my feelings, I put a stop to it before it got to that point."
"But that's not fair of you to make that decision on your own! What about my feelings? What about what I think is possible?" This was pain. I was hurting and so was she. Two sides of me were fighting for what they thought was the right choice.
Accept your feelings and her's: be with her!
Deny those feelings and keep her heart safe in the long run: you know you wouldn't be able to be the best boyfriend you could be.
"I know... I know it's not fair." I began. "But it's what's best for both of us in the long run. I'm... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. And I'm sorry that I have to make this decision. This is the hardest choice I have ever had to make."
We were both silent for a long time. Both trying to keep our tears at bay. I felt her hand ball into a fist under mine. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but stopped herself upon meeting my eyes.
"What is it, Toshiko?" I whispered.
"I just..." Her tone matched mine. The words failed to come out.
"What is it?"
"... I just wish we could've tried. What would it have been like? We never got a chance to see what it would be like to be together, ya know? But I understand now..."
What it would've been like...?
In that dark space, on that cold floor, my hand found the side of her face gently guiding her to look at me. I had no thoughts, my body felt like was moving on it's own. My thumb swiped back and forth on her cheek and caused a blush to color her skin. We shared a long and silent gaze between each other. I had no thoughts... except one.
... What would it have been like?
It started with a peck, but the feeling of her warmth pulled me back immediately. Our lips crashed together as I entangled my fingers with hers, my other still caressing her face. I melted into the kiss, giving in completely to the euphoric feeling. Her free hand found the front of my shirt and lazily pulled me closer. Our passion kept us locked there and enveloped in one another for what felt like forever, but also not long enough.
Because that kiss, no matter how much we wanted it, wasn't the start to something new.
It was the end to something that would never be.