I think last week was my last week of puking everything I eat. Unfortunately, Tyler has been quite sick lately.
I seem to be munching on things while Tyler can't see any food. Not even his favorite soup that I usually make. I ate it up for him.
But he's also been having a lot of chills. He suddenly shakes in the middle of the night and his body is in extreme pain. I've learned to comfort him by wrapping my arm around him. I push aside the pain from my tender breasts and let him lay on them. Though there are times he forgets that I have an ongoing belly growing, and I have to move him a bit when he squishes my belly.
My belly now is protruding even more. Excitement rushes through me when I put on my regular clothes and she pops out now. Some coworkers have smiled at me and congratulated me. Though it slightly disappears when I put on big blouses or dresses.
Gail once noticed it and happily squealed when I took a seat at my desk. This made me jump and my eyes grew wide.
"Oh my god, Gail—"
"I'm sorry," she said with a wide smile. "I just saw that little one stick out a bit! I can't wait to feel those strong kicks! What do you think it'll be?"
Anna was in the room quietly making me tea. I cleared my throat and gestured at Gail to stay quiet for now. She immediately understood and Anna seemed to sense the silence. So she awkwardly cleared her throat and left my office.
"What's going on with her?" Gail said. "She's been so quiet lately."
"We had a conversation and it was pretty awkward. I don't know if I should tell you because it's something personal for her."
"She's sterile. She told me. Is that why she's like that with you?"
A hint of anger ran through her eyes and I quickly said, "Don't worry. I understand—"
"You don't bring your home to work."
"You literally bring your kids to work."
Gail laughed at this and said, "That's different! And you'll understand soon..." She gave me a wink before walking off.
But now, I definitely have to deal with Anna as we finish up the baby shower designs. She does a sad sigh and I look up from my notebook.
"You okay?" I say.
"I'm fine..."
She's still a bad liar.
"Are you sure?"
She shrugs and I sit back in my seat. "What's going on, Anna? I miss my friend. Now you're just acting like an intern."
"Shouldn't it be that way?"
"I don't like it that way."
Anna does another shrug and I let a smile stay on my lips. "You know what? Why don't you think about how you will tell me what's going on while you get me a Turkey Pesto panini from the cafe."
Anna does not waste any time. At least she got that message right because my stomach is begging for food after eating forty minutes ago. As I take a long drink of my water, I give Tyler a quick call. He answers at the fifth ring.
"Hello?" His voice is scratchy and hoarse when he answers.
"Oh, I'm sorry, baby. Did I wake you up?"
"Sorta but that's okay."
"How are you feeling, sweetheart? Does your body still hurt?"
"Yes," he tiredly says.
"Mmkay. I'll pass by the pharmacy to ask for a muscle pain reliever."
"Okay...Tessa? I want to go to church this weekend but I don't think I can drive."
"Can't you rest up for this weekend?"
"No. I want to go to church."
I let out a breath and nod. "That's okay. I'll go with you this weekend."
"Thank you, city girl. How's our little partner doing?"
I hear him do a small cough as I sit back in my seat to run my hand down my small bump. "Growing. Getting front stage. And very hungry I think. Or maybe it's just me."
Tyler does a weak laugh that breaks my heart. "I love you."
"I love you more. I'll let you rest, okay? Don't forget to eat the light fruit I left for you in the fridge. There's also some of the soup I made for you yesterday."
"Okay, honey. Eat up as well. We want our little partner big and strong."
Anna steps in now and I smile at the warm smell of the panini. "Of course. I love you."
I hang up and give Anna a thankful smile as I start to dig in.
"How's Tyler?" Anna quietly says.
"He's doing okay," I say. "He's been having a rough week, but he'll be fine. He has a rest week next week."
"Rest week is when they don't go for chemo?" I nod and she does a small smile. "At least he has you and well...your baby..."
Her eyes turn sad and I know that this is the moment to fix whatever is going on between us. So I put my food aside and burn my eyes through her.
"Anna. I feel like we should have a talk. A real one."
"It isn't you, Tess. It's just me. It's always been just me..."
"Is everything okay at home?"
There it is. I hit the bullseye as she holds back tears at this question. My heart shrinks for my friend as she says, "We've been arguing a lot. I said that we should adopt, but he doesn't want to. I insisted so much that he got angry at me and said some things that...hurt me..."
Anna quickly wipes away a tear that has fallen and looks down. My expression softens at her story and I carefully say, "I'm sure he'll come around. How long has he been distant?"
"A few weeks now. I'm afraid that—" She covers her mouth to hold in a sob and I quickly walk over to give her a hug.
"Don't think like that," I gently say. "He loves you. I could tell the few times I've seen him. He's a good guy. When I went over to get my car fixed, he did not stop talking or asking about you. He adores you, Anna."
"That love can die off so fast. I've seen it. It's happened to me. That man was so deeply in love with me until money got the best of him. Tess. Even your past says it. You're just one of the lucky ones. Fertile and loved."
"Hey. Don't say that. Just because you are sterile, it doesn't mean you are not loved."
"You don't understand, Tessa. You're pregnant! You'll never understand! I have to deal with my sisters having to spread their happy news. My older sister! She literally did not want kids and even she's fertile! I love children and I can't have any! And when I have the chance to adopt, my husband wants to take away that joy from me! You don't understand!"
She's standing and I listen to her with wide eyes. She realizes the tone she's used on me and quickly shrinks. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"
"It's okay, Anna. Really. I understand you're angry. I may not understand what you're going through but I do understand your frustration. Trust me. I know what helplessness feels like."
Her eyes soften at my words and she slowly sits back down. I give her a small smile and say, "If you want, you don't have to come to the baby shower next week. You can just help me with setting up."
"No no. This is my job."
"Is it? I heard you have another job out there."
Her eyes grow wide as I sit back in my seat. "Who told you that?"
"The walls speak to me," I say as I take a bite of my panini. "But it's okay. You do a humble job. I hope you like this one more than the other."
"I'm sorry to say this but I like the other better. Children are a ray of sunshine. It's unfortunate I'll never hold one of my own..."
I let out a sigh as I finish up my panini and sit back in my seat with a full stomach. I put a hand on my small belly and playfully say, "You can always hold mine."
Anna's eyes sparkle and at last, I see my friend back. She gives me a big smile, the one I missed so much, and says, "I'll be happy to babysit, too!"
"This is gonna sound crazy because Tyler usually says these words but..." I give Anna the same hopeful smile Tyler gives me as I say, "I have faith that my child will have a playdate at your place instead."