During early autumn Aydan asked Coach, if he could rejoin the swimming team. The coach had been giving him hard time ever since, because he had had no other choice than to give Aydan another chance.
The team was already missing their best swimmer, and without Aydan there was only few people left. He hadn't missed even one practice, and he was making sure Coach had nothing to complain about.
There was still no word from William, who still hadn't answered his texts or calls or returned to school, so Aydan had had to make a plan. The first step had been to quit smoking, which he had successfully, although moodily, done, and the second was getting back to the swimming team.
Aydan was making sure his records kept getting better, and it wouldn't take ages to get back to his older records. He just had to keep practicing and focusing on his health, which meant also that he was drinking less often and smaller amounts.
Aydan hadn't gone clubbing either, although it was just as much about avoiding George as it was about his goal to get back in shape. About a month after the assault, when Aydan had joined the others after his prolonged break, George had greeted him with a punch — right to Aydan's chin.
''How could you let that happen to him?'' George had snarled, his hands on Aydan's collar.
''It wasn't my fault.'' Aydan had hushed as the people at the club were staring at them. Then George had dragged him outside, not too gently.
He had had a furious look on his face when he asked: ''Not your fault?''
Aydan had been about to lose his temper, until George had continued, this time looking anguished: ''You know he loves you, right?''
Aydan had just looked at him blankly and stated: ''Of course he does, he's my best friend.'' Then George had shook his head, and laughed peevishly.
''Oh god, you really are an idiot.'' After George had said that, Aydan had seen red and would probably have punched him back, if George hadn't looked as upset as he did.
''He doesn't love you like a friend. He's in love with you, you fucker.'' George had sighed and the look in his brown eyes had been piercing.
''He isn't — you were making out with him, so you should know that.'' Aydan had answered.
''He told you about that? You know, he did that just because he couldn't bear seeing you with Claudia.'' George had explained slowly, like he had been talking to an idiot.
''That doesn't make any sense.'' Aydan had muttered, though he had started to dither.
''It does. You've been hurting him all this time and I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did. It's your fault he got hurt, it fucking is.'' George had answered, and Aydan had shoved him, but they didn't fight.
Deep down Aydan knew George was right. The only person he should have been fighting with was himself. Be as it may, Aydan hadn't set a foot in the club or seen anyone else but Claudia from the group. Well, except one time, when he had bumped into Brooke at the mall, but they had only talked briefly and only about idle things.
Aydan didn't miss any of them, though, since they were just someone he liked drinking with. He wasn't drinking — except one beer every now and then — anymore, so their company didn't allure him as much. They weren't bad people, quite the opposite actually, but he managed just fine without them.
Aydan's reason to focus on swimming wasn't the same as William's had been: he didn't swim to move on from William. Aydan swam, because if William one day returned to the pools, he would be there waiting. He would be there to show William he was going to do better this time.
If Aydan got to see William again, he would give his everything to make sure William didn't have to hurt anymore. He would make sure this time William wanted to stay.
***
Months passed by and autumn turned to winter, but there was still no sign of William. Aydan was already starting to think he would never get to see him again. No matter how good his record had gotten, no matter how he had managed to quit smoking..
William wasn't coming back.
It had been nearly five months and Aydan hadn't seen even a glimpse of him. So when Randy asked: ''Is that William?'' Aydan couldn't believe his ears.
They were floating at one end of the pool, just going through the exercises they had done during the practice. Aydan turned his head so quickly his neck gave a quiet complaint, and as soon as his eyes found the familiar figure, his heart skipped a beat.
William is back.
He didn't look the same, though. His hair had grown and it concealed half of his face, so Aydan couldn't really see what he looked like from the angle he had, but it was undoubtedly William.
He had lost weight, and the person standing there talking with the coach looked almost fragile. Seeing that made Aydan frown and his heart filled with concern. The operation scar on his left forearm still hadn't faded, and stood out on his pale skin. Aydan was too far away too see, if there were more affirmations about the pain he had been through.
It wasn't just his outer appearance that seemed to have changed: whenever someone walked past them, William quickly looked away. He didn't glimpse at Aydan or the others either, he barely even looked at the coach, who he was talking with.
William was there, yet he had never been so far away from Aydan. The person he could see shunned the surrounding world.
When William was done talking with Coach, Aydan hurried off the pool and nearly ran after him.. but William was nowhere to be found.
***
The next time William showed up to the practices was nearly a week later. He didn't say hey or look at any of them and seemed evasive. William walked straight to Coach, and even though everyone was supposed to continue training and pay no attention to them, they were holding their breaths and peeking towards the two.
When William swam, Coach took time with an intent look in his dark eyes. He, as well as the rest of the team, was waiting William's record apprehensively. William was their best swimmer, and of course everyone wanted him back to the team — but his record wasn't good. It wasn't lousy either, it was simply nothing like William's records used to be.
When William got out of the water, he was out of breath, which was an unfamiliar sight to Aydan. He didn't look content, but Coach was smiling and patting his shoulder, which made William flinch, before bringing him to see the rest of the team.
''Our talent is back in the team.'' Coach announced proudly, yet this time he didn't try to pat William's shoulder.
''Welcome back, we've missed you.'' James said and you could see he really meant it. They had all missed William, not just Aydan. William was, after all, a friend they had known for years. Even if he was quiet and didn't say much about himself, he was irreplaceable in their group. William raised his head slightly, but he still avoided looking at the others.
''How are you?'' Aydan couldn't help asking. It had little to do with being polite and a lot to do about genuinely wanting to know and getting a connection to him.
When William's brown eyes finally met Aydan's blue ones, he didn't look wary. The burning defiance in his eyes took Aydan by surprise. He didn't know what he had expected, but that was definitely not it.
''I'm great.'' Even William's voice sounded different, raspier and colder.
He looked away again, and there was no way to decline it. William had changed and if Aydan still wanted to get his friend back, it would require shitloads of work. Even then it was highly possible they would never be back to what they used to be.
***
Aydan's plan had worked — in a way. He had gotten William back in his life, if seeing each other, but barely talking to or looking at each other counted. In theory William was back, and Aydan at least got to see him eight times a week. Still, it was nothing like he had thought it would be.
They had been practicing together two weeks already, but Aydan could count with one hand the times they had had a conversation. If saying a few words, while avoiding eye contact, could even be considered as a conversation.
Aydan, who wanted nothing more than to ran to his friend and hug him breathless, constantly had to hold himself back and try not to let the others see how much William's behaviour hurt him.
William had came back, but he was there purely for swimming, not to make friends. He had come back to the pools, but he hadn't come back for Aydan. The way he acted made Aydan puzzled. It was almost like William was angry at him.
''I want to see each of you giving your best today. I want to see new records, I want you to show me how good you are. Are you ready?'' That afternoon Coach was full of enthusiasm and gave them one of his famous pep talks. No one rarely broke records after it, but each of them made sure they were giving their best for the coach and for the team.
This time was no different: Aydan could see how the others boarded on the starting blocks with determination and their muscles tensed with readiness.
''Take your mark.'' Coach announced, and after everyone had taken their positions, he blew in his whistle.
Then Aydan was in water, swimming as fast as he possibly could. It paid off, because he was the first one at the finish line.
Then came Randy, a few seconds later Raul (one of the team members Aydan didn't know so well), then James and Johnny (another member Aydan rarely talked with) reached the finish line at the same time. As Aydan had focused on the others reaching the finish line, it took him a while to check how William was doing.
He turned his head to the lane next to him, but it was empty. The water was still and stagnant and there was no sign of movement.. on the surface.
Aydan didn't hesitate, even for a second. He didn't even realise his body was moving until he dove under water and swam faster than he had ever swum.
Aydan enfolded his left arm around William's waist, trying to swim to the surface using his right arm and legs. He had to make an effort, since William's body was moving like he was struggling away from Aydan, but he was unconscious and unable to control his movements.
Aydan was gasping for air when he finally made it to the surface. Then the others were reaching for them and they lifted William on the tiling next to the pool. Aydan exerted himself off the water right after, his eyes on William the entire time.
William's arms and legs were jerking, his head shook from one side to another and he was coughing water. The coach tossed a towel under William's head. Other than that there was nothing they could do, but wait.
Eventually the movements eased, until there was just the couching and then William lay still on the tiling surrounded by the rest of the team. He looked really pale, almost ashen. Aydan reached his hand to touch William's arm, making William open his eyes tardily.
At first he looked disoriented and just stared at the worried faces that had gathered around him. Then William blinked and it was like the lights were switched on.
He jerked his arm away from Aydan's touch and snarled: ''Don't touch me.'' Then William staggered on his feet and briskly turned to walk away.
This time Aydan was fast enough and managed to grab William's arm, at the dressing room's doorway, before he ran away again.
''Stop running away.'' Aydan commanded, not realising how arduous he sounded. He was starting to get frustrated with the way William was acting, but he was more concerned than angry. Aydan just knew he couldn't let William run away again.
''Stop following me.'' William retorted, jerking his hand free from Aydan.
He sounded angry and confrontational, but his expression was anguished and his eyes full of sorrow. William's swimming cap was probably somewhere at the bottom of the pool, and his hair was wet, so Aydan could see the scars on his forehead loud and clear.
''No way. I'm not letting you go without us at least talking about what happened.'' Aydan objected and thought: Not even then.
William just stared at him, a wild look in his eyes. He looked like a deer caught in headlights.
''What's there to talk about? That my brain's fucked? That I look hideous? Or that I can't even swim anymore?'' William accosted, tears running down his cheeks. Aydan lifted his hand, wanting to comfort William, but he cringed further away.
''Yes, whatever it is you want to talk about. You don't look hideous and I'm sure you're going to be alright.'' Aydan tried to sound calm, although he felt frantic and at a loss what to do.
William took a shaky breath, swiped a wisp of damp hair off his face and a composed expression appeared on his face. He seemed so.. broken.
''Look, Coach won't let me practice, if I can't get the seizures in control. I can't swim.'' He patiently explained. ''I won't be coming back here. You won't see me anymore and it's better that way.''
There was a flicker of pain in William's eyes when he said that, but then the chilly look was back, and he turned to his locker.
''How is that better? I don't want to lose you.'' Aydan became distressed, knowing he was really going to lose William this time. He would walk out of that door and he would never come back.
''Just let me go, please.'' William said, hastily dressed a tee and trousers on top of his damp swimming trunks and grabbed his belongings without looking at Aydan.
''But I can't lose you.'' Aydan said so quietly it was more like a whisper. William had already left.