Do you remember the moment when you realised you were in love with someone?
Maybe your heart started beating faster or maybe it was that smile you just couldn't stop staring at. Maybe you were alone, and the realisation hit you in the late hours when you were just about to fall asleep. Maybe you were with that someone and there was this something, no matter how big or small, that made those words pop in your mind: I love this person.
William couldn't say when he had started falling in love with Aydan, but he could remember the exact moment when he realised that he didn't just love the person sitting next to him —he was in love with the person sitting next to him.
William remembered thinking: fuck, I'm falling for this guy. A guy. The guy: his best and only friend.
It had been another boiling summer, when all William wanted to do was stay in and enjoy the chill temperature in the mansion where the air conditioning was on. Aydan, on the other hand, had other plans for them.
He had basically lived the summer at William's, only going home once in while to sleep before knocking the mansion's door again. Aydan wanted it to be the summer when he would see all those things he hadn't yet to see and visit the places he hadn't yet to be at. He wanted to do that with William.
They had spent a day in an amusement park (Aydan had gotten sick after numerous rollercoaster rounds), swum in the ocean in the middle of the night (it had been raining), went to a concert (William hadn't known the band, but Aydan was a fan), watched more movies in the theatre than William had watched during his entire live, played basket ball (which was one of William's favourites),.. But the best moments were the ones when they didn't leave the mansion and just read comics and played console games.
Aydan was already 16 years old and William was 14, but they slept in the same bed. It was a very big bed, so there could have easily slept three more people in it, and it wasn't like they had to hug each other to fit in it.
Still, those rare occasions when William woke up finding Aydan nestled against him, would have been the first hint of his altered feelings: William's heart always beat a little faster and he tried not to move an inch, so that Aydan wouldn't wake up, and he could stay in his embrace eternally.
The second hint would have been the way William's eyes lingered on his friend more and more often. How much he enjoyed all the little details, that no one else would pay attention to. Details like the small faded scar on his temple or that when he smiled one corner of his mouth lifted a little higher than the other, giving him an almost unnoticeably askew smile.
William usually stole these glances when Aydan's attention was somewhere else, like when he was playing a game, or when William woke up and Aydan was still sound asleep.
The hints were there, some smaller and some so obvious it was a miracle it took William so long to realise what was happening.
Well, to be fair, he was still just a child and his only touch with gays was Brokeback Mountain he had secretly watched in the middle of the night when it came from tv. After the realisation hit William, he started watching all the BL series and read all the books he could find with "people like him". Some of those stories felt weird and too sappy for him, but in some he could really identify with, and it made him feel less alone.
The day the realisation hit William was just another Saturday in the middle of summer break, and Aydan's parents had invited William to their annual summer trip.
Once a year they packed their things in a car and spent a day driving somewhere and didn't come back until the late hours. Usually it was just the Carter family: Aydan, his dad Charles, mom Ashley and three years older brother Adam, but as William was Aydan's protege, he was almost like family.
William was really fond of Aydan's family. Although his parents were also busy, they still had time for their kids, and even if they didn't have, they made sure to make some.
Charles was the kind of dad who made dad jokes all the time and had small talk with every stranger that happened to pass by. He had brown hair, cut short, and grey-blue eyes.
Ashley was the kind of woman that turned heads: she didn't wear power suits or high heels, but she could make even a simple beach dress look elegant. She had blonde hair, the natural kind, slightly pale skin and light blue eyes. Ashley was sociable and funny, just like Charles, minus the dad jokes.
Adam, then 19 years old, looked a lot like Aydan (and their mom), but he wasn't as talkative. Actually he was more like William: always reading and exploring. Adam just had the quiet kind of charisma, so he had a lot of friends even if he sometimes got lost in his books. He was always nice to William, probably feeling sorry for him, because he didn't have his parents around. What they didn't know back then, was that three years later Adam would be living a 7 hours flight away.
That day they drove to a faraway beach by the sea. They did have their beach house in the city, but the summer trip was all about getting on the road.
William sat at the back seat with Aydan and Adam, while Charles drove and Ashley was reading the map. They had the radio on, and William could still vividly remember the hits that played on it.
William's family was quite strict about eating healthy and nourishing food, due to his mom's never-ending diet, but that day none of the usual rules applied. They bought pizza, that they took with them to the beach from a nearby pizzeria. They had soda, fresh strawberries, chips and candy as well, so it ended up being more like a picnic.
That day, just like any other cherished memory, was perfect in William's mind. He didn't remember how nauseated he had felt after eating all those sweets and how the pizza had been just a little bit too salty.
Instead William remembered things like how the sun made the sea glimmer and how Adam taught him all the best tricks one could possibly need to take flawless polaroid pictures. William had gotten a polaroid camera that summer and he carried it everywhere with him, making sure all those memories would stay with him forever.
He remembered how merrily Aydan laughed when they ran across the beach straight to the sea, even if he wanted everyone to think he was all grown-up and mature. He had said he would no longer "play with kids or do any childish stuff'', yet he often seemed to forget that when he was with William.
When they had packed their belongings and crowded everyone in the car, it was already getting dusk. The sunset coloured the sky red and the sea bashed in light. William had lived most of his life by the sea, but he had never found the seascape as beautiful as it was that evening.
He got to sit by the window, whereas Aydan sat in the middle of him and Adam. There was music, but William couldn't remember what songs they were listening, since he was already tired and focused more on the people around him — or more precisely the person next to him.
It was the moment when time seemed to stop, and William's heart started beating faster and faster. There was nothing out of ordinary in the moment from the outside, but for William it was the moment that was going to change everything.
Aydan had leaned closer to him, showing off a game from his cell phone, totally immersed in the colours on the small screen. His arm, pressed against William's, was suddenly all William could think about.
He could smell the salty ocean from Aydan's skin and feel the warmth radiating from him. He could feel every inch their arms touched, like a sparkle of electricity on his skin. He could feel how his heart was palpitating and how a strange fluttering sensation filled his stomach. William had lifted his head and looked at the small smile on Aydan's lips and a wisp of ash blonde hair that persistently fell back on his face from behind his ear.
At that moment the thought, Fuck, I'm falling for this guy. A guy, popped into William's mind.
After that everything was helplessly different — for William, since Aydan was, and would probably always be, completely clueless about the things William hid deep in his heart.
It wasn't that day, but a couple of nights later, when William realised he wasn't falling for Aydan, he had fallen for him some time ago.
Then came another realisation, the much more aching realisation: one day Aydan would find someone to fall in love with, and that someone wasn't going to be William.
What he didn't realise was that there might be a day, when love would drift them apart. The thought of them not being together was something that never crossed his mind.
William was ready to suffer the heartbreak, no matter how much it hurt, but he never in a million years thought he would have to lose Aydan's friendship too.