He knows I'm angry about something, and it makes me angrier when he does a confused look.
Men.
But I try to avoid any kind of conversation about work this week. In fact, I don't mention his work or mine at all. I'm exhausted anyways at the end of the day, so I don't have much time to talk to him before knocking out.
But now I think I'm just cranky that everything I eat doesn't stay in my stomach for more than an hour. One day, I craved so badly butter pecan ice cream, and thirty minutes after, I was puking out my lunch along with that ice cream.
So now I'm stuck eating the only thing I've craved this week: black olives. I let out a sigh before popping one in my mouth. Gail gently knocks on my door and I don't look up from my messy desk as she walks in.
"Hey, hun." Even she seems afraid of me after I yelled at Anna for something stupid in the way she organized my meetings. I have to talk to her, too.
"Hey, Gail," I say. I look up and see her soft eyes. So I give her a smile and this makes her muscles relax.
"I was checking if you would like to get lunch with us. Anna is just outside waiting."
"Poor Anna. I really didn't mean to sound so angry, Gail."
"I believe you," Gail gently says. "She understands you're going through some stuff."
"That still doesn't give me the right to treat her that way when she didn't do anything wrong." I let out a tired sigh as tears threaten to escape my eyes. So I look back at my agenda and say, "I'm not feeling very hungry today, Gail. I'll just continue eating my crackers and olives."
"Okay, honey," Gail sweetly says. "Let me know if you do decide to get anything. We'll bring it right over."
"Thank you, Gail."
I swear even my friends can't tolerate my mood. That's why they're running away!
So I sadly go along with my day. My head throbs and dizziness tries to poke me as I get home. I can hear Tyler gently play the guitar in the living room and the sound of his soft voice makes my lips quiver.
But I walk straight to the kitchen and look for cashews. The moment their scent hits my nose, my stomach flips and I angrily throw them away. I then take out pickles and decide to eat that instead. The most irrelevant foods seem to stay down my stomach.
The saddest part is that I can't even smell the scent of coffee. I can't even look at Tyler. I can't hold on to the things I love anymore.
Why is this so hard?!
I hear Tyler walk in as I look at the tiny person within me from a plastic picture. It's the only thing that keeps me going right now. It reminds me that I'm not alone.
"Tess. I didn't hear you arrive. How long were you here?" He comes near me and puts a kiss on my cheek. I keep my eyes down. Tyler gives me his confused look again and it sends anger up my veins. "Is everything alright?"
I can't help but scoff. "Is everything alright..." I mumble.
Tyler furrows his brows as he sits by me with a cup of milk. I start to stand up and he quickly says, "No, Tessa. You're not running away again. We have to talk."
"I'm tired," I say as I start my way to our room. "I just want to take a shower and sleep."
"And I'm aware of that," he says as he enters our room. "Let's talk for a moment and then you can rest. Honey, you've been avoiding me. Did I do something wrong?"
"Did you do something wrong?!" I angrily say. "You don't even care about anything!"
"What?"
"You just go and work when you should be here. You should be resting."
"But I've only gone two days to work this week, honey."
"Exactly!"
"What? Tessa, you're not making any sense."
I wave his words away and start towards the closet.
"Tessa." Tyler gently takes me out of the closet and his eyes shine with worry while his expression softens. Tears slowly fall out of my eyes as he holds my cheek. "Sweetheart. Tell me what's going on. Be clear with me so I can help you find a solution."
"There's no solution," I softly say. "You're sick and there's nothing I can do."
Tyler's eyes reflect his heart shrinking and he leads me to the edge of our bed. He puts an arm around my shoulders and gently says, "But I'm still here. I have faith that this will only be for a little bit."
"But—"
I stay quiet as he sweetly says, "Tell me."
"I've been angry because I feel so...stressed. You go out to work when you should be home. But then I realize we have so much to pay and I know my job alone won't help with that, but I still don't want you to push yourself for money. Then there's our baby. I'm so nervous and I'm freaking out because I'm scared that I might be in this alone. I can't lose you again, Tyler! I...I'm so angry at..."
I let out a small sob and Tyler holds me tighter. He puts a kiss on my forehead and I feel so pathetic for being so weak.
But he still gives me his warm smile and says, "On the day you asked me not to work, I actually went to church. There was a small Bible study and I just needed some time with God. And yes. I will work not only because I feel strong enough, but because I don't want you to be alone in this."
He gives me his half smile that helps my heart take a breath. I return it as he says, "And I know God has something with this. It's not to kill me. I know He's working on something with this and I can't wait to see it. I know you're angry at God and I get it. But eventually, you will have to trust in Him. You can't do it alone. We can't do this alone."
"Then why does He let you get sick? Is it me?"
Tyler laughs at this. "God's ways are mysterious but I doubt it's because of you, darling."
I stay silent at his words. I'm still not so convinced about his confidence in God. Why? Why should I trust Him when He can betray me just as He did with Tyler?
But at least a weight lifts from my shoulders and I sniffle as tears keep falling out.
"Anything else bothering you, honey?" Tyler softly says.
My lips quiver now on their own as I say, "Yes."
"What is it?" Tyler now looks at me and it's like my body has a mind of its own as I let out a sob.
"I can't eat anything. I keep throwing up all my favorite foods. I used to love cashews and now I can't even look at them. I puke with just the smell of coffee! All I ever eat is crackers and olives or pickles."
A sob escapes my lips and I don't understand why. I'm cranky for sure, but it seems to make me even sadder.
Tyler's eyes soften and his heart melts as he holds me close. "Oh, baby...Sweetie...don't cry. It's just for right now. Soon you'll be eating up my plate!"
I chuckle at this and do a sad nod. He puts a sweet kiss on my forehead and says, "Well. Maybe there's something else you used to like that may not be as threatening."
I smile at his joke and say, "I'm not sure. I haven't thought of it."
"Well, think of it and I'll get it for you."
"Now?"
"If you want, I can go now."
"You're not tired or in pain?"
Tyler does a gentle laugh. "You seem to be more in pain than I am. C'mon. What's something our little partner would like?"
I think of this and realize that a small rumble has started in my stomach. It's usually in the mornings and that's why I can keep those smoothies down for a while. But in the evenings, I can't see the fridge.
Tonight it's different as my mind runs with the different options I have to fill my delicate stomach. My eyes brighten at one plate I absolutely adore, but I've been too afraid to even look at it.
"Do you think an açaí bowl is safe enough?"
"Açaí bowl? What is that?"
My eyes grow wide. "You've never had one?!"
"Seems like that's what I'll be hunting for tonight."
"Make it two," I playfully say. "Because I won't share mine." Tyler laughs and sweetly wipes my tears away. My heart finally flutters for the first time this week.
When he gets back in about half an hour, I'm already in bed looking through the mail. So many bills to pay...
But Tyler's playful smile makes me put the mail to the side and happily take the plastic bowl.
"Thank you!"
Tyler jumps in next to me and turns on the TV on one of my favorite cooking shows. The taste of its sweet ice cream with all the granola and Nutella, at last, makes my heart fly.
"Good?" Tyler says to me.
"Perfect," I say with shining eyes. "Thank you, my love."
Tyler takes my chin and his brown eyes burn through me. The same brown eyes I want our child to have as he says, "I'm gonna stay. I know it. It'll be hard but God knows how much I love you. He knows your struggles, our struggles."
His hand lands on my lower abdomen, and he smiles at the slight roundness it's starting to form.
"God knows this child needs a father. He knows us. So I'm not going anywhere."
I don't understand. I can't seem to grasp his hope. But I do know how to grasp the little hope growing inside of me as I put my hand on his.
At least that's one silver lining God gave us out of the mess He did.