Hii! Good morning y'all✨
@moonbowie and I had these talks about which chapter is which Måneskin song and this one my loves, is Torna a Casa
This was the exact thing I was avoiding. This is why I had been avoiding him. I was so scared of facing my feelings. I had thought I could run away from them, if I also ran away from him too.
But he was fucking perfect. He was so perfect that he always had to understand everything. He always had to find a way to help.
I hated myself for being selfish. I couldn't fucking catch feelings. Not for them, not for him. I didn't have the luxury of loving him while they kept me around mainly for sex.
I knew I was also their friend. I had become one. But I also knew they wouldn't let me in if they knew I would end up developing crushes.
I left their apartment, trying not to cry. I was never been the type of person who cried all the time but this once, I let tears rub through my face.
I didn't know why exactly I was crying. Was it because I had just admitted that I loved a dead-end? Was it because everything between us had to be over because I fucking caught feelings? Or was it the disappointment I saw in his eyes. I felt like crap for making
him look that way.
Marlena wouldn't run away.
I heard his desperate voice in my head. I hadn't answered him but I gave an answer on my own head.
Marlena wouldn't fall in love.
So that was it. He was wrong since the beginning. I fucking wasn't Marlena. I never had been.
I felt like my legs weren't able to carry me anymore so I sat down on the sidewalk. I couldn't stop crying at this point. It was pretty late so there were no one around.
I pulled the cigarette box out of my pocket. I looked for my bag to pull out the lighter.
Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Fuck me. Fuck him. Fuck everything.
I hadn't took my bag from their place.
Fuck this cigarette.
I threw the box away. I hadn't done that in purpose. I just needed to calm down. And I had thought I could do that by hurting others.
Didn't help. It made me feel worse, if that was possible.
I grabbed my hand with my heads and rested my elbows on my knees. I was surprised actually, when I started sobbing.
I was pissed of at myself for screwing everything up.
I cried for a while. When I felt like I'd lost all the necessary strength in order to cry, I got up. I hated littering in any form so even though I felt like shit I collected the cigarettes from the ground.
I had made us turn into shit, the least I can do is to keep the streets clean, I thought. This was pathetic.
I was pathetic.
I hardly managed to go come home and cried myself to sleep.
*
The next morning I woke up late. They had rehearsals anyway.
If it was a normal time, I would either go there for breakfast or I would meet them at the studio.
June, I told myself. If it was a normal time, you would spend the night with him.
Fuck, I said when I felt the pain in my heart. Was this how it was going to be now? Was I this pathetic, platonic girl who cried when she thought about him? Since fucking when?
Since when my emotions were so tense? When had I allow myself to get this much attached?
*
I spent the day at my house. Just doing stuff. Anything... Everything...
During the evening I heard my door bell ring. I was scared it was Damiano but luckily, it was Ethan and Thomas.
They went in the apartment hand in hand. I welcomed them in and walked to my living room.
I sat down on the armchair.
"You didn't come today?" Thomas said asking. I shrugged. I didn't had an explanation.
"Is it because of us?" Ethan talked in a very sad way. "We realize you are pressured a lot to lie. I'm sorry if it's hard for you. We'll tell them soon. Promise."
I couldn't have thought this was the way they might've felt.
"No!" I said immediately. "It had nothing to do with you. Tell them whenever you are ready."
Thomas talked, " Was it about him?"
I felt my heartbeat fasten.
"W-who?" I asked barely hearable. Thomas talked next.
"He said you left the apartment late at night. He didn't say what happened."
He didn't give me a name but we all knew so damn good that who this was about.
"June," Ethan said. " Believe me I know how running away from your feelings look like."
I felt terrified. I opened my mouth and close it for a few times. Words didn't seem like coming out. I felt my body getting smaller and smaller. As if the armchair was swallowing me. I didn't say anything. Thomas talked, looking at Ethan rather than me,
"And I know how love looks like."
Hearing the word from someone else's mouth scared the shit out me. It felt like everything was now, for certain. As if Thomas saying the word had made my feelings official in a way.
"June you told me to go for it. Now do it for yourself."
"It's not the same thing," was all I could say. They didn't seem convinced. Neither of them said anything else. Instead they come near me and gave me a hug.
*
The way I love Thomas and Ethan is unexplainable