Ryan's POV
Tuesday, June 10 – North Carolina
I stared at my phone. The words felt like they were stabbing me in the chest, twisting me in so many ways possible to the point I could feel physical pain. They were so simple and so easily typed originally, but yet the simple chore of the final step in clicking a button was almost impossible.
If I sent and he accepted, it'd be like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It would like things were ready to return back to normal to a degree and I'd have my best friend back. At the end of the day, that's all I wanted, even if I loathed for more down the road. It would allow me to believe it was going to be okay, he was going to forgive me, and I hadn't thrown everything away in a single night.
If I sent and he didn't accept, that'd be like dropping a wrecking ball on me. It would crush every hope and dream that I had, everything that I felt and loathed for since that brief moment that night. It would feel as though my world was ending, and there'd be no one to turn to when I needed someone.
I had spent the time carefully crafting my words, only to delete those and go with something so much more simple. I had overcome the fear of things not going well, only for it to slap me harder in the face afterwards.
What did I have to lose? Everything.
What did I have to gain? The same answer.
But yet my finger could not find the desire to push the button – until now. At the end of the day, staring at a screen was not going to change anything or make these feelings go away. Not sending and even erasing wasn't going to ease the thoughts. I already learned once before when time stood still what it could do to someone.
Ryan: Hey, I was wondering if we could hang out sometime this week, maybe this weekend.
Taking a deep breath, there was nothing I could now but wait. Wait and ponder every thought once again. Wait and ponder every thing that I had been telling myself. Wait and ponder, and worry, and second guess even sending it now.
The longer I'd wait, the probably worse those worries would get. Why had I bothered to send that message in the bloody first place? He told me he needed time, but oh no, I had to continue pushing on that closed door. Why couldn't I wait damn patiently till he was ready?
Chase: I'm at the shop tomorrow. I could stop by the house afterwards.
I wasn't expecting that. To be honest, I was expecting an instant no and shut slammed door in my face. But here he was, simply accepting, willing to come see me.
So many questions entered my mind based off those simple two sentences. Did he mean just as friends? Did he really want to see me? Did he ponder breaking it into more after thinking it over? Was there a possibility of getting back together? Had he been thinking about me since then, just like I thought of him?
Shit Ryan, what are you damn well doing? He deserves a response back. You should always send back and then contemplate every single damn decision.
Ryan: Sounds good. Be sure to have your fav on deck.
Many would call that drinks, but I knew better given the fact he'd probably be flying home, not staying the night as he would have so many other times before. Instead, it was snacks and food. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me, how much I appreciated him opening the door.
But wait, what if that was pushing things? He probably just accepted as a friend, and here I go with the grand gesture and everything because of how badly I still crave for him. What if I chase him away, pun intended?
Chase: U don't need to do that, man.
That text right there confirmed every bit of my fears in pushing it. that was his signal that he didn't need the grand gesture, or anything special because this was just as a friends.
Besides, I already probably knew what was happening. I saw Alex stop by in victory lane and I lingered long enough to know it was a close heart-to-heart conversation. I bet if I would've stayed longer that more would've happened, and then onto the celebration that night.
Of course, I could be wrong and grand gesture may be pushed aside because he's ready to open the door, but that's wishful thinking.
I know what I did. I knew I hurt him. It was now my turn to suffer the consequences.
Most people would've thought that Isabelle and I hooked up by now more times – Alex probably betted on that fact, actually. Instead, I was listening to her advice and taking the time to realize what I truly wanted. It depended on the day and time, but it kept going between what was possible with her, to what I had just left behind in magic with him.
Now sitting here once again, rejections felt cold and made me want to sway immediately to something filled with love and passion. However, that just brought back memories of nights there and holy crap – I needed a damn cold shower.
Shit, I forgot about texting him again. What was I doing?
Ryan: I know, but I want to show how much I care and sorry I am.
There I go again, pushing boundaries. It was just like that night and the next day. He didn't need to hear it, he probably was getting sick of it, but yet I kept saying it because I meant it. He would probably tell me it wouldn't change a thing but wasn't I allowed to hope and dream a little?
Chase: I know you're sorry, but I can't do this – I told you. I changed my mind. Maybe another time, bud.
fuck fuck fuck damn damn damn what did I do? I should've just kept my bloody mouth shut, said thank you for accepting the invitation and moved on. Now I wouldn't get to see him at all, not even as a friend and who wants to bet future invitations would be just ignored.
Damn it!