Tyler started chemotherapy and I've been puking out my meals more than keeping them in.
What comforts me is his touch. It's still warm despite it all. And his eyes still shine at me.
He held me with the little strength he had last night, but that was alright. The sound of his heart was enough for me to drift off to sleep.
The next morning I still had a queasy stomach and nothing seemed appetizing, so I called Gail for help.
"Honey, you still need something in your tummy. Try getting something light like crackers or some cheese."
"Cheese makes me sick."
"What doesn't make you sick?"
"Nothing."
Gail chuckled with me and said, "Then why don't you get a packed smoothie? Usually liquid helps. It helped me keep those nutrients down."
"Okay, Gail. I'll be there in the afternoon."
"Take your time, hun. Marissa understands."
"Thank you, Gail. You are amazing."
"I know."
With a smile, I hung up the phone and gave Tyler a sweet kiss during his sleep. Gail was right about liquids. A protein shake was good enough for me. Now I watch Tyler tiredly shove in a soup they've brought for him.
"What's the matter, honey?" I say with a smile. "You don't like it?"
"I like your soup better."
"But you have to eat. You need to recover your strength for what's next."
"I'm going home tonight I think. That's what I heard a doctor say. Grace said if I do, I would have to come back in two days for this week's cycle."
"Sounds good," I say. "I can't wait to get back to our bed."
Tyler smiles and his eyes land on my abdomen. A sweet tenderness shines through them as he says, "How are you? Feeling alright?"
"I'm fine," I say. "I might just live off of protein shakes to stop puking my food out."
"I'm sure it'll all be over soon. Soon you'll have me drive at midnight for more food after eating cake."
I laugh at this and say, "Who knows? Maybe I'll even ask for some chicken wings."
"I will win twenty bucks. Gail's husband said that people like you don't go back to meat. I said I would convince you. I see my plan has worked..."
I laugh at this and get up to give his lips a long kiss; still giggling against our lips.
We pull away when I hear someone clear their throat behind me. Dr. Sharpe gives us a kind smile as she says, "I'm sorry for interrupting, but I must step in for updates."
"Sure," I say as sit back in my seat; my hand still holding his.
"First of all, I would like to say congratulations for your child." Tyler and I give her bright smiles as we say thank you. Dr. Sharpe's dark eyes now find mine as she says, "How far are you?"
"I don't know," I say with a scoff. "I found out just yesterday."
"Oh. If you'd like, I could ask one of my colleagues to help you out with that."
"You mean like an ultrasound?" Dr. Sharpe nods and I look back at Tyler's shining eyes. "I don't know. Weren't you going to tell me something about Tyler?"
"It's nothing big. Just how his life with chemo will look like and the days he will have to come. But we can discuss that later if you want."
"Can I come?" Tyler now says.
Dr. Sharpe gives him a nod but I quickly say, "No, wait. You just came out of a procedure and you just finished your first round of chemo-"
"Tessa." Tyler takes my hand again and his eyes shine in a begging way. "I want to see our baby. I will be okay...We will be okay."
I can't help but melt at his longing to meet our little person with me. How can I say no to that?
So I walk by his side as Grace wheels him to Birthing Center. She makes us enter through a set of metal doors and the floor turns quiet from all the small baby cries.
"We are at the clinic side now," Grace says. "We are connected with the clinic next door. So, Mrs. Blue will come to this floor of the clinic for checkups and Mr. Blue will go to the fifth floor of the clinic."
"Impressive," Tyler says. "I like this hospital."
"Thank you, Mr. Blue," Grace kindly says as she leaves us in a small room for checkups. Nerves suddenly start to creep in when I see the equipment surrounding me.
Tyler sees this and gently takes my hand. His smile is tender as he says, "I can't wait to see her."
"What if it isn't a girl?"
"Then my little man," Tyler playfully says and this sends a chuckle up my chest.
Soon, a doctor with a small pregnant belly of her own enters with a warm smile. Her hazel eyes shine as she brings in a student with her. She quietly tells me what to do while Dr. Aaron talks to me about what I'll be seeing now. Her warmth and kindness seem to relieve my nerves as I lay on the bed.
Dr. Aaron looks at Tyler and smiles. "You must be dad?"
"A proud one," he says with his childish smile. His face is still pale and I can tell he's exhausted, but there's something in him that gives him strength.
I watch as they put the Doppler on my lower abdomen and look at the screen by my head. Dr. Aaron smiles and my heart suddenly awakens in a new way.
"Can I see?" I say.
The student gently moves the equipment closer to my eyes and my heart stops at the sight of a tiny little body.
My heart melts in a way it's never done before. Tyler also quietly studies it for a moment before saying, "Why won't you look at that? It's beautiful..."
Tears start in my eyes at this little figure. It's so small. So tiny and defenseless that it creates this new beat to the rhythm of my heart.
Then I hear it. The soft sound of its thumping heart. This sends my tears to fall and Tyler does a big smile. His eyes close and I know he can hear it. The melody to its beat is the song that our love has created.
The world around me disappears. All I see is Tyler. All I feel is his hand in mine.
All I hear is this tiny song. My new favorite song...