July 25th, 2021
Been a busy few days, but I'm back and ready to relive this shit some more I guess. I'll be honest Journal, I've been avoiding you. Mostly because I don't remember very much from this specific chunk of time we're diving into, and that makes me feel quite ashamed of my actions. I guess that was the point of it then, to forget. I didn't want to remember the choices I was making and I also didn't want to remember the choices that got me there. I knew what I was doing, I had done the same thing on my 3-month bender. Was it fun? Sure. I loved the lower inhibition and boost of confidence that a few lines of coke gives me. I love the way my body feels relaxed but also tingly when I smoke weed. I loved the lucid trip of LSD, but when you abuse them like I was to numb myself, they become very dangerous.
While I still feel ashamed of those choices, I don't regret them. I wouldn't be here right now without them. Well, maybe, but I think it would be different. I guess it might be better, but it's pretty good as is so I'll take it. Anyway, I'm here because my pink-haired therapist emailed me and asked if I'd written more. I think she bugged the apartment or something. I don't know how, but I think so.
So here we go, here is what I remember.
Jo.
March 7th. The Morning After.
It was everywhere. I had 73 text messages when I finally turned my phone on. Frankie, Nicki, Britt, Miranda, Tony, Dante, Jamie from the fucking hair salon, my Aunt, Marcus, the list was fucking endless, but the question was basically the same.
"Since when is Harry back with-"
I stopped reading them. I didn't respond to anyone. I was hungover and in a stranger's apartment, I was in no mood to deal with that question.
I remember looking around and trying to gather my surroundings.
I was fully dressed, so that was good.
I wasn't high anymore, also good.
Reggie?
Was that his name?
He was nowhere to be found, which was also good, unless I killed him.
I put my shoes on, stole a joint from his bedside table, and called an uber. I sat on the curb outside and smoked slowly until the Volkswagen pulled up and took me back to reality.
March 16th. Manchester, UK. Show 18.
I'd been talking to Nicki and Britt more often, they were the devils on my shoulder and that's exactly what I wanted.
I remember staying for most of the shows but then going out on my own afterward, sometimes I brought Dante with me.
The nights mostly followed the same routine of going out, getting drunk, meeting someone with drugs, taking those drugs, and then going back to their place.
I wanted to forget. I wanted to be lost in hazy passion, under the weight of a sweaty body, while the only thing on my mind was pleasure.
I choked every time. I couldn't go through with it. Every time their hands were on my body, they felt wrong. Every time they whispered my name, it sounded wrong.
He had broken me.
If I couldn't even be a "whore" now, what did I have left? Why was I able to sleep with Axel right after that weekend, but I couldn't do it now?
Over and over again I would go home with a gorgeous stranger, and panic at the last second. I'd drop to my knees instead, distract them with my mouth. Or I'd let them get me off, but it was never them I was picturing in my head.
This night was no different, I came on a stranger's bed, fingers buried in the wrong brown curls. When he unbuckled his pants I stopped him, apologized for no reason, and then left.
I got back to the hotel at an ungodly hour, slowly walking through the hallways so I didn't stumble.
I almost fell over though when I saw her. She was padding down the hallway carrying an ice bucket. She had no pants on, just a neon orange hoodie that I was clinging to a few weeks ago.
"Oh shit! Jo, you scared the fuck out of me!" She giggled and I smiled at her.
She looked happy.
"Looks like you had a good night, huh? Good for you!" She winked at me and smiled before opening the hotel room door and stepping inside.
I watched her step inside and saw his tanned, inked skin reach for the ice bucket as she closed the door.
I pulled out my phone and called Nicki as I walked into my own room...alone.
"You know what, fuck him!" Nicki was shouting as I sat in the bathtub.
"He's not doing anything wrong, Nicki."
"I know, but fuck him anyway! Stop being the bigger person, get back at his ass. I can't believe he's had her on tour for almost a month that is so fucking low. You should bring a hot ass man on tour just to fuck with him."
"Who the fuck would I bring on tour!? My only male friends are GAY. Ugh, I can't wait for you guys to visit. The London shows will only be bearable because I'll get to see you guys."
Nicki, Pete, Britt, Frankie, and Miranda were all flying out for the London shows to celebrate my birthday early. Tommy couldn't get the time off work so he was staying home, but I don't think he'd have had that much fun anyway. London was much easier of a destination to get everyone to than Russia, which is where we would be for my actual birthday.
"Oh shit, I've got it."
"Oh no." I sank deeper into the bath to prepare myself for whatever she had planned.
"Axel."
"Huh?"
"We'll bring Axel with us to London."
"Isn't he moving?"
"Do you guys talk?"
"Yes? He's a cool guy, we catch up every once in a while, he likes traveling so I send him some photos."
"Oh even better!! Then it won't be awkward! This is brilliant. Bring Axel, show off your own hot blonde for a few days, and make him wish he never called her."
For fucks sake, that was an insanely bad plan. "Nicki that seems so childish and petty and-"
"And you wanna do it, huh?"
"Yea, I do." I laid my head back in defeat and laughed with her at our immature mentality.
"He played dirty first, it's only fair."
I sighed loudly and sat up again in the tub, hugging my arms around my knees.
"Alright, I'll call him and let you know."
"Atta girl! Proud of you for making bad choices. Be safe, get railed. Love you, Bye!"
I told her I loved her and told her goodbye and then spent a few moments with myself in silence.
Was I really going to stoop to that level? Was I going to be that immature that I would fly a guy I've fucked twice to a whole different country just to possibly make an international rockstar jealous?
Yep, I was.
I stood from the bath and dried myself off before slipping on a pair of underwear and climbing into bed. The sheets in this hotel felt amazing against my skin, I wanted some for home.
Well, when I had a home again. I kept forgetting I was currently without a home.
I settled into bed and grabbed my phone. I scrolled to a recent text conversation and chewed my lip nervously as I typed hello to a beautiful blonde.
March 20th. London, UK.
I found that the nice thing about the whole world thinking Harry Styles ditched you for his hot, model, ex, is that no one gave a fuck what I was doing anymore.
I was standing at the airport, waiting for my friends to arrive, and not a single person was yelling my name to take a picture. I hadn't seen the paparazzi since that night at the club. I was completely irrelevant now that I wasn't seen as his love interest, and I was okay with that.
I knew he was probably getting swamped with paps on his way back to his London house. I didn't know if he was going home alone, I didn't ask. We hadn't talked much since that night, barely at all actually. If we did, it was about the look for that night or some polite small talk about shows and such.
It was the most distant we'd ever been.
He was with me every day and yet I'd never missed him more.
Things certainly weren't panning out the way I thought they would.
I thought we'd be laughing and teasing and watching 2 am romcoms to mellow him out after shows.
I thought we'd be smiling so hard our faces hurt while his arm was wrapped around me at a team breakfast.
In my weak moments, I thought we'd be stealing kisses in his dressing room and sharing knowing looks while he was on stage.
But that was H and Jojo, and I didn't know how to be her right now. She wasn't even in my head anymore, she wasn't in my reflection, she's just lost, I guess.
I'd become the girl I always feared, her cruel eyes are the only ones that stared back at me in the mirror.
I had hoped that these few days would help me find her a bit.
Britt had arrived first, we got coffee and waited about an hour for Miranda to arrive before we went and got brunch. It was a perfect moment truly. Dressed in grubby sweatshirts with dirty hair and leggings, the three of us had a hell of a time in this cute restaurant while we laughed too loudly and caught up together.
We were waiting on the LA group now, the girls were in the car and I was standing outside, keeping my eyes peeled for curly brown or platinum blonde locks.
I saw Pete first actually, his neon orange beanie made him stand out. Nicki was hugged to his side while he walked and she nudged Frankie when she saw me.
Frankie took off running and I squealed as he lifted me into the air with a tight hug.
"Hi honey, I missed you." He had tears in his eyes and I felt mine begin to water.
"Hi babe, I missed you more." He hugged me again and then stepped aside so that Nicki could have her turn.
"This was a great idea, I'm brilliant." She whispered into my neck as I giggled and looked over her shoulder at the sexy man standing behind her.
I smiled at Axel as I stepped up to hug him, "Hi! I'm glad you could make it."
"Hi, I'm glad you invited me." He gave me a quick wink and a smile before we all headed toward the car.
Introductions were made quickly, most of them had met on facetime at least once so it wasn't awkward at all as they piled into the back of the big ass Escalades together.
Harry had offered to pay for a hotel for all of us, but I refused. I couldn't let him spend his money on my friends like that, especially with Axel being here.
I rented us a cute house in town so that we had easy access to whatever we wanted to do. I knew we'd get into some trouble while they were here so I figured staying close to the action would be good for us.
We had dinner with Harry and a few of the others the night before the first show. He wanted to meet everyone that he's heard me talk so much about, but I had no doubt it would be a shit show.
The first day was great, we settled into the house a bit, I ordered some groceries so that we could cook if we wanted to. Miranda and Nicki and I laid on the couch to watch a movie and pretty soon everyone had joined in for the end of "Pretty Woman."
We all just kind of hung out for most of the day, some took naps to figure out jet lag, some watched television and got high, some of us played go fish, which had more swearing than I'd ever witnessed in a children's game. It was a very relaxed afternoon which I was grateful for. They kept my mind occupied and off of whatever could be happening at Harry's house.
Around 9 pm we started getting restless and decided it would be fun to go out for a bit. We thought we'd grab some food and maybe a couple of drinks to celebrate being all together.
I slipped on black trousers with a white off-the-shoulder top and open-toed black heels. I kept it casual with a messy ponytail and simple makeup, not wanting to fuss over myself all night.
Something was definitely missing from the look though, and I stood in the hallway mirror with Britt, trying to figure out what it was. "Do I need a jacket? I don't think I have any that will sit right."
"Mmm, I've got something, hold on" Axel appeared behind us in the mirror and then vanished just as quickly before returning with a black leather jacket. He draped it over my shoulders and pulled the tips of my ponytail out of the collar before leaning down to rest his head on my shoulder. He met my eyes in the mirror and gave me a smirk.
"Whatcha think? Good, huh?" He spoke slowly and it warmed the pit of my stomach.
"Perfect. You do have good taste." He smiled at me in the reflection and then turned to kiss just below my ear before backing up.
"Hey look, we kind of match!" He gestured to his outfit which was black jeans, a dangerously low buttoned white dress shirt, and a black blazer. We did match. I snapped a picture of him as he adjusted his collar and decided I'd post it on my private story later if I was feeling brave.
"Would you look at that, it's fate." I winked at him and left him there as I walked into the living area.
Two hours later I was very drunk, and sitting in Axel's lap at a bar downtown.
Nicki and Pete had gone back to the house, Frankie and Britt were dancing their asses off and dragging Miranda with them. Axel and I had been talking, but it was so loud that we couldn't hear so the only solution was for me to get closer, and that's how we ended up in this situation.
It was actually very mellow, not ridiculously flirtatious. He traced small patterns on the exposed skin of my back while he held me in place and his other hand rested on my thigh but didn't travel.
We talked for quite a while about his move and it was nice to have an easy conversation again. He was excited, I could tell because his eyes lit up when he was talking about New York and getting to be close to his sister again.
"I've missed the city," he said. "LA is great and all, but it doesn't have the harshness of New York. My sister Cora always says that New York makes you grow up, makes you toughen up. LA is too soaked with sunshine to be tough."
"Shit, I could use some toughening up. Maybe I need to visit New York." I laughed and adjusted back to my comfortable position.
"You look better than the last time I saw you. Your eyes, I mean. They were empty last time, but they're alive again. They look a little sad, but hey, at least they're alive."
I smiled at him, surprised that he had noticed such things.
"I'm glad you're here. I know it's kind of weird circumstances considering we've only hooked up twice, but I'm glad nonetheless."
"Hey, you can use me to make an international rockstar jealous any day, babe."
Oh shit, he knew my game.
I buried my head in his neck and whined "Oh noooo who told you!?"
He laughed lowly and tilted his head back, giving me a lot of access to his exposed skin. "The internet. Those pictures of him and the blonde were everywhere, I figured it wasn't a coincidence that I was invited after that."
With my face still buried in shame, I spoke. "Do you think I'm an awful person? Oh, fuck that is so shitty of me isn't it?"
"Jo, babe, if I was insulted I wouldn't have come. I'm flattered, really. I mean you want to use me to make Harry Styles jealous!? What a fucking ego boost. Besides, I like to think we're friends. That's what friends do!"
I finally looked at him and smiled. I felt grateful to have good people in my life.
"Do friends also share a joint and a makeout session before bed?" I asked quietly
"Absolutely." He patted my ass and helped me up before we signaled goodbye to the dancing queens and made our way outside.
~
The next day we spent exploring the city. We went to every tourist attraction we could find, we took so many pictures, and by the end of the day, my face hurt from smiling, almost as much as my feet hurt from walking.
We had seen Buckingham palace with those guys who can't move, Big Ben, we rode a double-decker bus, we ate fish and chips, and it even rained for us. A picture-perfect tourist day.
By the end of it, we were absolutely exhausted, all of us crashed in the living room for a movie and pizza night in our pajamas.
I got up to refill a few water glasses and I noticed my phone light upon the table. It was a message from Harry.
Did everyone make it in alright?
They did, they got here yesterday.
Good, I'm glad. I'm excited to meet them. I miss Frankie.
Oh, mum says hello, by the way, she can't wait to see you.
I felt my heart constrict at the mention of Anne. Was Anne happy to see them back together? Was she glad he ditched the clumsy girl?
I'm sure Frankie has missed you too. Tell Anne hi for me, I'm excited to see her too. I've got to go, see you tomorrow. Sleep well, sweet dreams.
Sweet dreams, Jo.
I took a breath, left my phone, and returned to my friends. I wasn't ready to think of him yet, that would hurt bad enough tomorrow.
~
This day was painful. Everything reminded me of him. We went to a small market in the morning and got coffee while we walked around. All I thought of was my last day here with Harry.
We talked and chatted mindlessly, my arm linked in Axel's like it used to be linked in his. It didn't feel right, and it made me think of Harry.
Frankie was a madman, taking 200 Instagram pictures every time we left the house. He made me think of Harry too.
Eventually, it was time for dinner. I wore a dark teal slip dress with a longline black coat. It was simple but I felt pretty, and that's what mattered. I left my hair down and tousled and wore simple mules and a bit of jewelry to complete the look.
The silk of my dress was a stark contrast to the leather ensemble that Axel was wearing and I liked it. We looked damn good together, I definitely picked the right man for the job.
"Are you ready to cause some chaos? You look fucking incredible, it's a real shame that your sex mechanism is broken right now."
I laughed loudly at Axel's teasing as he threw an arm around my shoulders. We spent a few more minutes hyping up our friends and then we headed out to dinner.
Harry brought Jeff and Glenne with him to dinner, but blondie was not in attendance. That was surprising, but probably for the best because after two drinks, I think Nicki would have cussed her out.
Harry's eyes landed on me a million times throughout the night. I felt it every time, right in my gut. I saw his jaw clench when Axel's arm went around my chair, and he downed his drink when Axel's fingers ran through the ends of my hair.
I thought it would be making me feel better, to see him so jealous and uncomfortable, but without blondie there I just felt kind of bad.
A few times, our gazes met each other and I knew he could see right through me. I could see him too, how raw he was right now, the vulnerability behind his eyes scared me.
I watched him charm the table though. One by one, they all warmed to him, despite their efforts to put on a cold front on my behalf. They loved him. Everyone loved him, and I couldn't blame them.
I loved him too.
As the night went on I became more and more aware of the mess I'd created. Moments of clarity like this were happening more often and I hated them just the same every time.
None of this would have happened if you hadn't run. You could be by his side right now, headed back to his house tonight, but no. You ruined it, you stupid girl. You ruined it and now you continue to make a mess of things because you know you'll never be good enough, so you just prove it to yourself over and over and over again.
You've ruined your own life.
By the end of dinner, I was mentally exhausted. We'd all had a few drinks when we stood to say our goodbyes.
Harry hugged everyone, telling them goodbye and how excited he was for them to be at the show tomorrow. One by one he went down the line, but I wasn't paying attention.
He must not have been either because he wrapped one arm around me without a thought and brought me to his chest before wrapping the other around me.
I think it must have been my perfume or my hair that he recognized the smell of, because when his brain caught up to his body he froze.
He froze for just a second and then he pulled me to him tighter. I didn't know what to do so I just hugged him back, I rested my hands on his back, and just held them there, letting him hold onto me.
He turned his face into my neck from its position on my shoulder and whispered gently, "Everything is wrong, I miss you."
My breath stopped and I squeezed him tightly then. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I didn't want to face that so instead I whispered, "I'm sorry" just loud enough for him to hear.
~
"You should move to New York!!" Axel was screaming at me above the music of this club.
"Oh my god, yes! You've always loved New York!" Miranda chimes in from my left.
"New York is fucking hot, think of all the broadway you could see!" Britt gave her two cents from across the booth.
"No fucking way, you're not leaving me for good!" Frankie protested in annoyance as he tossed another shot back.
"God, I couldn't move out there on my own. That's so scary!! It's so far away from...everyone. I wouldn't know anybody." I shook my head and tossed another shot back too, sucking harshly on a lime.
"You'd know me!" Axel threw up his hands in excitement.
"You gonna let me live with you blondie? You gonna feed me goldfish and put on Breakfast at Tiffany's when I'm having a crisis?"
"I don't think Cora or her boyfriend would love that idea, but there are a million people who need roommates in the city!"
"You guys are too much for me!! I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do but I better figure it out soon huh? We're about to go on leave and I got nowhere to go. They picked up all my shit and moved it to a storage unit."
"I have a friend who's subletting his place, I was gonna take it but I couldn't afford it alone. If you can find a roommate I'm almost positive he'd give it to you. He's moving his things into storage too so you can move your stuff in! It's kind of perfect."
"Ahhhh! Too much to think about when I'm this drunk. Less thinking, more drinking, okay? More dancing. Let's go do that!"
We ended the night with more drinks, lots of dancing, and lots of memories that I'm glad I can still remember.
March 23rd. London, UK, Show 22.
Things were a little lighter today. I'd talked with Frankie and Miranda over coffee this morning and we discussed moving in a serious manner. Honestly, it didn't seem like a bad idea, just a scary one.
I'd cornered Dante this afternoon when I got here and mentioned it to him. I knew it was wildly last minute and ridiculously spontaneous, but I also knew he didn't want to go home. I told him we could facetime with Axel's friend in the morning if he was interested, and he agreed.
It was a strange feeling, being excited again. I didn't quite know how to process it. I was excited though, the idea of living somewhere where I would be completely insignificant was attractive. I wanted to be wrapped up in invisibility while I tried to get my shit together, not on public display for Twitter to see.
I was in a better mood while I worked too, blondie was still M.I.A. so I felt like I could breathe again. Harry told me I seemed lighter around my friends and he was happy to see it. I told him that they loved him and that having them here was exactly what I needed.
The rest of the team was really excited to meet my friends. When they arrived just before the show everyone got along so well, it seemed that we would enjoy ourselves that night.
We did. Harry put on a hell of a show, I got to jump around and sing with my best friends, and I got to take more photos of him in the crowd. It was my favorite part of every show, when he brought himself down to human level and just let himself drown in the love and excitement of his fans.
He loved it and we loved it, and it was a beautiful moment to capture.
~
The next day we spent the morning getting ready and packing up, after this show we'd sleep here one more time, and then we'd all be getting on flights. I would be headed back to Germany and they would all be heading home.
We arrived at the venue early so that Dante and I could facetime Axel's friend and see the apartment. It was very small but clean. It had two bedrooms which was an upgrade from my LA apartment. It had a small balcony and it was really close to the subway station, so it wasn't a long walk. The best part was that it was only a two-story walk-up.
Dante and I both agreed that we didn't have anything to lose, so with shaky lungs and sweaty palms, we agreed to sublease his apartment.
We spent the next hour emailing our bank statements and proof of identity and before we knew it, it was officially ours to live in on April 1st. We would get there a little bit late, but it was ours. We docu signed the agreement that he sent over and he told us that he'd leave the keys with Axel for us to grab on move-in day.
Everything happened very fast. I called the moving company that took my things from Harry's house and scheduled my things to be delivered on the third of April. I had to pay extra for the rush, but it was worth it.
That night, just before the show, I was running around like a madwoman trying to find my glitter, when two beautiful women stopped me in my tracks.
"Jo!!" Anne sounded so excited that I had no choice but to rush up and hug her. She squeezed me tightly and then let me go so that I could squeeze Gemma next.
"It's been too long, we have soooo much to catch up on." Gemma gave me a knowing look and then her eyes flicked past me for a split second. When they met mine again she pulled me in for another hug.
"Oh my gosh! Anne! Gemma!" I groaned into Gemma's shoulder when I heard that unmistakable French accent.
She patted the back of my head lightly and released me before greeting blondie with a smile and a quick hug.
When I saw Harry approach I took it as my cue to leave and excused myself to find my friends. Anne made me promise to see her again before we left for the night and I agreed.
The show was fantastic. He dedicated Sunflower Vol.6 to Anne and the way she showed him what love looked like.
That made me cry.
We stayed at the barricade, enjoying every song like it was the first time. He soaked up the energy from the crowd and gave them everything he had.
He was electrifying to watch.
At the end of the show I brought my friends backstage to say goodbye to everyone, I hugged Anne another three times and promised I would text her photos from the road. I hugged Gemma again and I never wanted to let her go. She was the most calming presence I'd ever known.
I said goodbye to blondie, I didn't bother introducing her to everyone but she did meet Axel. He never left my side the whole night, he played his role very well. Anytime we were close I felt Harry's eyes on me, and blondie's followed close behind.
The group of us were getting kind of loud and rowdy as we were getting ready to leave, the energy after a show was always so charged. I was laughing and walking, hanging on Britt's arm and telling Nicki some stupid joke when I realized I hadn't said goodbye to Harry.
I turned over Britt's shoulder and yelled back toward him, "Bye Harry! Good night, good show!"
My fingers pressed to my lips and then extended in his direction like they had a mind of their own. His face paled, and I felt my eyes go wide.
Slowly I watched him raise his hand and close it around my invisible kiss, before placing his hand on his exposed chest.
________________
hey, hi, hello
how ya doin? we covered a lot of ground work here. we're nearing the end of part two, only 2 more chapters left before we get part 3, yay!
the song for this chapter is one of the most perfectly matched pieces of music i've found for jojo. give it a listen, you won't regret it.
our girl is getting there. it's hard work to become a butterfly.
love you always, thanks for being here- mo💖