CHRYSALIS

35.

tw: panic attack, talk of suicide, and self-harm.

this short chapter got darker than i anticipated but i think it's important. also, there is an extra special author's note so please check it out.

July 22nd, 2021

Stupid, stupid girl. How much easier things would have been if I had told him the truth. How much pain could have been spared if I just ended our suffering there? We could have left together, hand in hand, and started a beautiful relationship. But would it really have been beautiful? If I had said yes if I had let myself be with him, would I have gotten here? What would my life look like? I don't think I would have been strong enough. I think I would have followed him blindly and relied on him for every shred of happiness and stability for myself. I think we would have ended terribly sadly, the weight of my problems would have drowned us in the ocean that we love so much. The weight of my trauma would have pushed us under the current and we never would have come up for air again.

I think.

I mean fuck, maybe it would have been lovely and maybe my brain would have fixed itself and maybe I put us through all of this pain for nothing.

We'll never know.

We'll never know what could have happened but I know what did and that's what this journal is for right?

Processing what did happen. Coming to terms with the consequences of my actions.

Here they are.

Jo.

February 15th| Madrid, Spain| Show 3.

It had been three days but when I closed my eyes I could still see Harry stumble backward, trying to get away from me after the words left my mouth. I started to run but I remembered that there were cameras everywhere now so I composed myself to a brisk walk, exited the club as quickly as possible and threw myself into the back of a black sedan.

I sat shaking in the back seat. tears ran down my cheeks and neck, tickling my neck as they descended. I couldn't make a sound, my body was just shaking incessantly, like an earthquake to the hardened stone that I'd become.

I managed to wipe the tears from my face long enough to make it into the hotel and up to my room, but that was the last moment of composure I had that night.

I could feel the panic in my chest, the painful sting in my sinuses, and the itch on my skin that I couldn't satisfy no matter how hard I scratched.

I broke the zipper tearing the clothes from my body, my ears stung as I ripped the jewelry from them too aggressively. I ran to the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as I could stand it and then turned it hotter.

I dug through my bag, blinded by tears and gasping for air until I felt my pill bottle rattle. I threw the small white pill into the back of my mouth and swallowed it dry. I knew it would kick in and knock me out soon so I wouldn't have to feel like this for long.

I hadn't felt like this since the day Marcus found out I slept with someone else. I never felt like this over someone hurting me, it was always panic over the hurt I had caused someone else.

My chest was caving in. I was sure that my lungs were going to give out. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see anymore, I was just fumbling around the room, trying to get to the shower.

The scalding water shocked me into a gasp, filling my lungs for the first time. I slapped my hands over my mouth to stop the scream that wanted to escape at the feel of the burning water.