Chapter 80 | FINALLY
Isabella:
The drive back home from the party is filled with pure silence. It's not comfortable silence either. Some weird tension prickles in the air and it causes me to shift in my seat a couple of times awkwardly.
Lucas hasn't uttered a word to me since we've left Zak's house which honestly is fine by me, continuing to lie to Lucas and pretending that everything is fine slowly isn't becoming believable on my part anymore so silence curbs any suspicion that may arise from me speaking.
The thing I am somewhat antsy about however, is the completely unreadable look that has drawn its way onto Lucas' face. His jaw is slightly taught and his hands grip the steering wheel tightly. His face is free of any emotion except the slight hint of frustration peeking through that I sense from the clenching of his jaw and his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows every so often.
The radio hums quietly with an unknown song but it's not enough to ease the uncomfortable tension that is contained in this car.
I keep my gaze trained outside of the window instead of continuing to analyse Lucas' face.
Sunset has just passed and the pretty pinks and oranges of the sky have submerged into darkness. I'm thoroughly exhausted from the events of the party and I'm honestly ready to crawl into bed and sleep - that is if my overthinking mind will allow me.
I rest my head against the seat of the car and play with the ends of my dress as I watch the view outside whizz past us; the lights of all the homes and the street lamps blurring as we go past.
Thunder rumbles somewhere in the distance and the first pelts of rain drop against the window's glass, indicating that there will probably be a storm arriving soon.
As the rain begins falling in a steady rhythm, Lucas clears his throat, jumping me slightly as he breaks the silence that has formed between us for the past 20 minutes.
"So," he says, his voice void of any emotion, giving me no indication of what he is feeling, "are you going to tell me what is going on with you?"
I instantly freeze. My fingers pause on their fiddling and my shoulders lock up.
"Huh?"
"What is going on with you?" He repeats slowly.
Keeping my gaze glued onto the view outside I cough and reply with a very vague, "What is going on with me?" My voice comes out uncertain and slightly higher than intended and I internally facepalm myself.
Dumbass, that so doesn't sound suspicious at all.
My shoulders continue to stay stiffened as I try not to react when I feel Lucas' inquisitive gaze bore into the side of my head.
I clear my throat.
Lucas stares at me for a beat before he turns away, humming at my reply and then drumming his fingers on the driving wheel.
Silence overcomes the two of us again as Lucas fails to say anything else. I'm wondering if he has decided just to drop the subject but I highly doubt so. My eyes don't leave the window as I feel the tension in the car crackling further.
A few more minutes pass and Lucas begins to drive slowly along the empty road, almost at a leisurely pace. We head down a dark street, one that is emptier than the rest, driving way under the speed limit. My suspicions begin to rise at this and wariness starts to croon low in my stomach.
The view outside stops to become a blur of light, every street lamp suddenly becoming distinguishable as we slowly, slowly drive until Lucas swerves the car and puts it to a halt completely.
"Lucas, what are you doing?" I swivel my head around to meet his gaze when I've realised we've stopped at the edge of the random, dark road with no intention of moving.
Lucas turns and locks eye contact with me. "We're talking." He states firmly, dropping his hands from the steering wheel and crossing his arms across his chest. He's long taken off the shirt he had on top so the tight black t-shirt he has on underneath clings onto Lucas like second skin and the sleeves tighten around his biceps as he does this motion.
Although I probably should be worried about what Lucas wants to talk about, I can't help but take a brief pause to salivate at the sight.
Damn, who knew Lucas in black t-shirts turn me on?
"Izzy?" Lucas calls my name, snapping me out of my ogling and causing me to draw my eyes back onto Lucas' face. I feel my cheeks heaten when I realise I wasn't so discreet with my staring and Lucas' lips twitch with the tiniest smirk but he promptly replaces it with a tight lipped expression a second later and clears his throat.
Oh. This is serious. He didn't react cockily to my gawking.
I plummet back into the atmosphere we were in previously and shift in my seat awkwardly.
"Um, what do we need to talk about?" I ask warily, eyebrows furrowing together. "There's nothing to talk about."
His eyes dart back and forth in between mine. "What happened at the party?"
"Nothing." I draw my lips into my mouth. "Nothing happened at the part-"
"Bella you're shit at lying," Lucas cuts me off with a roll of his eyes before I even finish speaking and then proceeds to shoot me a glare. "Please cut the crap, you've been acting odd since our," he clears his throat and his cheeks bloom pink. "Since our kiss...and since Maria."
"No, I haven't, everything is fine." I dart my eyes back to the car door, trying to see if there's an opportunity to make my escape. With the rain beginning to fall down much heavier, leaving the warmth of the car doesn't seem very appealing.
Lucas notices me eyeing the door wistfully regardless and promptly presses the button that locks all the doors. "Don't even think about it Bella," his eyebrows draw together as I sigh. "Now tell me. What's going on? Everything is not fine-"
"It is. There's nothing going on. Nothing to talk about," I continue to argue back. "Please can you drive us home now."
A frustrated exhale leaves Lucas' mouth. "Seriously Bella c'mon." Exasperation crosses his features. "Please don't do this."
I frown. "Do what?"
"This," he points his finger wildly around me and then back and forth between us and I follow his finger confusedly. "We can't go back to being like this, being all awkward and distant Bella we can't."
"It's not going to be like that," I return slowly, although the lie is evident in my voice.
"Stop it. We both know that's not true." Lucas shakes his head, his eyes flaring with hurt. "It always starts off like this. It'll be a couple of days that we don't talk but then it'll turn into a week and then a month and I don't want that to happen I can't let that happen." His pleading gaze bores into mine. "So please can we talk about it? I know it's something that happened at the party, something involving us."
Guilt chews inside of me and I feel my resolve slowly crumbling at the look on his face. Dammit, I hate that he's right.
I want to tell him, I do. Running away from this isn't helping anybody and I don't like ignoring Lucas. I don't want to be awkward around him and go back to being stuck in this odd loop when so much has changed between us. It's not fair to him either to just leave him in the dark.
God, I fucking hate that Maria's words have triggered every insecurity inside of me, messing with all my thoughts. I'm just so scared that what she's said is true. Some parts of it already are and just knowing that brings a tightness to my chest, a tightness that hasn't seemed to budge since our conversation.
Lucas slumps down in his seat, his eyebrows still drawn together as a defeated look etches its way onto his face as he waits for me to say something. Silence continues to linger in the air around us as I am yet to do so.
My eyes flit across every feature on Lucas' face as I try to gather my thoughts. The more I continue to stare at him, the more I feel my heart squeeze a little harder.
How am I supposed to continue to be around Lucas knowing that what Maria has said is true. She's right; it's really not fair to Lucas to have him attach himself to me like this. He'll be pulled down with all my burdens and that won't be fair to him at all.
God, why does it have to be like this? Why can't I just be normal?
My eyes downcast in shame.
I can't let him be tied down to me like this. I can't let it get to the point where he realises that he wants someone better than me. I can't. It'd just about break me when he realises that I'm not enough.
I'm not enough.
I don't even realise that I'm crying until the first drops of tears land on my lap. My vision goes blurry and I bite my lip hard to refrain from making any embarrassing crying noises. My throat burns at the attempt and I sniffle slightly.
Jesus Christ...of course now I'm crying, I'm literally proving Maria's whole point that I'm too emotional for any sane person to deal with.
I try to discreetly wipe away my tears, turning my head slightly away from Lucas so that he can't see me bawling my eyes out because this is downright embarrassing.
Unfortunately, it is just my luck that Lucas immediately notices my sudden change in mood.
"Isabella?"
I turn my head away further to the side but Lucas lifts my chin with his finger so that I'm forced to meet his gaze instead.
"Hey, what's wrong?" The worry flaring across his face and the look of dejection that crosses his features as he takes me in crying is enough for another set of tears to spring to my eyes. "Bells, why are you crying?"
That question is the last straw. My resolve crumbles completely.
Before another tear can even get the chance to roll down my cheek, Lucas unclips his seatbelt and engulfs me into his arms. He pulls me into his chest, his warmth and scent surrounding me. "Izzy, are you okay?" I feel his chest rumble beneath me as he speaks, one of hands moving to rest on my waist and the other to rest on my head.
"No," my voice is barely audible as I speak and I probably sound as pathetic as I look.
"No?" He repeats and I melt against Lucas' touch as he tepidly begins stroking my hair, my heart thrumming painfully at the small motion that he knows calms me down. "What's wrong?"
Lucas pulls me against him tighter when I merely smiffle against him in reply. I can barely breathe being pressed so tightly against him and goosebumps prickle at my skin as I hear the rapid pace of his heart.
How fast his heart is beating is an exact mirror of my own and the reaction his body has towards me, the exact same as mine has towards him, is a reminder of the intensity of his feelings towards me. I pull my lips into my mouth as it causes another wave of emotion to wash through me.
"Bella, you're worrying me-"
"I have feelings for you," I whisper into his chest, cutting him off from speaking and just about managing to get the words out of my mouth from the tightness constricting in my throat.
Lucas stiffens beneath me, his breath hitching and the pacing of his heart faltering for one second before starting back up at double the speed again.
"You, what?"
"I...I have feelings for you."
My confession hangs in the air between us and at the same time my shoulders get lighter from putting my feelings out in the open, my heart grows heavy.
There is an awfully long pause before either one of us speaks again and I wait in anticipation for his response, nerves racking through me. God, this is so not how I envisioned confessing my love for Lucas would go.
Slowly, after a beat that feels like a century long, passes; Lucas pulls me away from him.
"You...have feelings for me?" Lucas blinks, a flash of emotion passing through his eyes as a frankly gobsmacked expression crosses his features.
I swallow and bring my hand to my cheeks to wipe away any stray tears as I try to get myself together. "Yes."
"Is...is that a bad thing?" His eyebrows knit together again once his initial shock surpasses. "Is that why you're crying?"
I nod meekly.
"Why?" Lucas questions looking confused. "Why is it a bad thing?" His face softens and his hand strokes my arm gently. "You know I have feelings for you too."
"That's the problem." My reply is barely audible. "I don't want you to have feelings for me."
"What?" Lucas' voice drops to a whisper. He recoils slightly, looking panicked as he drops his hands from my shoulders. "Why?"
I shake my head and clasp my hands together to stop the shaking. "Because... I don't deserve you."
There is a pregnant pause and Lucas blinks at me some more. "I...you...what?"
I fiddle with my hands uncomfortably, my shoulders sinking with dejection. "You deserve better Lucas."
Lucas doesn't say anything for a good 30 seconds.
Then, as absolute mortification crosses his features Lucas exclaims with a horrified: "You're kidding right?"
I shake my head. "No."
Lucas stares at me incredulously, his mouth parting in shock. "No?" He repeats slowly as his eyes flit between mine to find out if I'm dead serious and this isn't a stupid joke I'm playing on him.
"No."
When he does in fact realise that I'm 100% dead serious and that this isn't a stupid joke I'm playing on him, Lucas pulls away slightly.
He mutters something under his breath and he rubs his chin as he looks out of the front window consumed by thought.
I watch as he thinks, his face blank. I sink back in my seat and as acceptance that he knows I'm right slowly trickles through me, Lucas turns back around to meet me dead in the eye.
"Where the fuck did you get that idea from Bella?"
I jump at his abrupt tone. "Huh?"
"Where did you get that stupid idea from?"
I blink. "Nowhere I..."
I trail off as I notice Lucas' face suddenly hardens. Realisation flares in his eyes and he inhales sharply as the answer comes to him instead.
"Maria." He says through gritted teeth, a tight lipped expression replacing the one of incredulousness. "Did she tell you that?"
I falter for a second and that's enough of an answer for Lucas. He mumbles a string of expletives under his breath in reply and runs his hand through his hair.
"What else did she tell you?" Lucas meets my gaze again, throwing me a firm look.
I hesitate before speaking but Lucas' determined gaze tells me that he's not going to drop this until I spill every word that Maria had said to me so I let out an exhale before continuing.
Twisting my fingers together, I speak. "She...she told me that I'm too high maintenance for you, that you'll get bored of me, that um I'm basically a...burden for you. That you'll leave me for someone better. That you...you deserve someone with less problems-"
"Jesus, Bella you believe all of that?"
I chew on my bottom lip and nod. "Some of what she was saying is true...it makes sense."
Lucas shakes his head. "Okay that's it. You listen to me." To my surprise Lucas grabs my face and squishes my cheeks together to force me to shut up as well as ensuring that my attention is fully on him. "Get whatever shit she's spewed in your head out right now." He nags a finger in my face for emphasis. "Maria is trying to get into your head and it seems like she's fucking managed already. Everything she's said to you is pure bullshit."
"Thom of it ith alwedy wha I knew." I argue back, although my argument doesn't sound very convincing when Lucas has a hold of my face like this and I can barely move my mouth.
He understands what I'm trying to say regardless. "Then what you already knew is stupid as well."
I pull Lucas' hand away from my face and he sighs. He sits slightly back and I watch as his face slightly contorts with hurt that I see him trying to suppress. "Bella you're not high maintenance, you're not a burden okay? You're not." He continues before leveling me with a look, both sad and firm, to make sure that I understand. "Your personality hasn't dwindled all the way down to your eating disorder."
"I know that," I reply. "I just," I pause and roll my lips into my mouth. "If...if we ever were to be together, I wouldn't want you to be stuck dealing with my problems along with me, you already help me so much and I am so so grateful for that but I've already put so much on you and that's not fair."
"But that's the thing," Lucas argues. "I'm not 'stuck' dealing with your 'problems', I'm willingly choosing to help you with them because I don't want to see you hurting and I want you to be happy. It's a big difference," he sighs. "I'm not stuck in any way and I never will be."
"But what if that changes-"
"Isabella," he cuts me off from speaking, running a hand through his hair and dampening his bottom lip with his tongue before continuing. "Why am I getting the impression that you think I'm in love with you despite whatever you think your issues are?" Lucas shakes his head. "Because that is not the case at all. Bella I'm in love with you, issues included-"
"Love?" I quickly interrupt Lucas from speaking, raising my finger to get his attention. "Wait a second...you," I point to Lucas. "Love," I then pause to point a thumb at myself. "Me?"
"Yes," Lucas stops to respond curtly before continuing with what he had been saying before."-Bella I seriously can't believe that you're worried that you having an eating disorder will be enough to ward me off or make me fall out of love with you and that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Lucas continues to shake his head yet again like he can't believe he has to explain this to me. "Number one that's not going to stop me loving you and number two you're literally forgetting about all the other gazillion things that keep me in love with you and that will continue to keep me in love with you." An exasperated sigh leaves his mouth. "I swear to God I'm going to list them all and show it to you one day, got that?"
I nod absentmindedly. My brain still trying to catch up and process everything Lucas is saying.
"Good." Lucas nods once before squeezing my arm. "And Izzy it's not up to you to decide whether I get to have feelings for you or not, alright?" He pauses to level me with a determined look. "That is my decision and I'm choosing to love you."
Silence erupts back into the air after this, Lucas' confession settling between us. It takes a moment for my mind to register everything Lucas has said, especially all the bits containing the word love.
Jesus, Lucas...loves me? He loves me??
The words whirr around in my brain like a mantra as I try to wrap my head around it. Warmth gushes through me as I turn those words over in my mind and still continue to make sense of it.
That is also why I still continue to find myself staring gobsmacked at Lucas several seconds after he's done talking.
"What?" Lucas asks me when I'm still rooted, staring at him in shock a good minute later. He quirks an eyebrow. "Sorry I know that was fast, I just hope you're processing everything I had just told and are commemorating it to memory."
I nod my head slowly to snap out of it. "I am," I tell him.
"Great," he mirrors my nod. "So you understand then? You believe what I'm saying and you believe that Maria is just trying to get in your head?"
The cloud in my brain clears slightly at this. Ah yes, I've yet to properly process the former part of our conversation before my mind freaking derailed on Lucas telling me that he loves me but for the most part, I do believe him.
I nod. "Yes, I do," I chew on the inside of my cheek as I tell Lucas this truthfully.
Although I still feel like I have a lot of thinking to do, seeing Lucas' perspective has definitely helped a lot. I feel so stupid not speaking to him about this sooner. If he's telling the truth, and from the sounds of it he really is, then I don't have to doubt the basis of any relationship that is to come out between the two of us in the future and that is a huge breath of relief.
I'll also admit that I'm a bloody idiot for listening to a single word that came out of Maria's mouth.
Key words of advice: never believe a single thing that a slug tells you. If you follow that little nugget of advice, you'll be set for life.
I wince. "I'm really sorry for ignoring you and stuff Lucas." My mouth tilts down into a frown. "I really should've just come to speak to you before instead of running away."
Lucas shakes his head. "It's okay," he tells me gently, "just please promise me that you'll stop doubting my feelings for you."
I nod. "I promise," I return and after a hesitant pause, raise my finger. "Um, also I just have one question."
"What is it?"
"You...actually love me?" I ask in disbelief.
Lucas slumps back in his seat and nods, a smirk playing on his lips. "Yes."
"Say it again," I blurt.
"Say what again?" Lucas teases.
I feel my cheeks heaten from embarrassment. "That you love me."
Lucas grins, his dimples popping out as he slowly leans in closer so that he is in my personal space again.
"I love you." He enunciates each word, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth to stifle the face splitting grin that's threatening to come out. "I really hope by now you've realised there's no one else for me, Izzy. It's only you."
I inhale sharply. Jesus Christ the amount of butterflies in my stomach is almost nauseating.
"Why are you so shocked?" He asks. "I thought you knew this already."
"No." I shake my head. "I just thought you really really liked me."
Lucas cocks an eyebrow. "Nope. I really really love you."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Oh."
I smile abashedly now, feeling oddly giddy. Any doubt that had been filling my mind slowly washes away the more I stare at Lucas' face and see the sincerity of his feelings written across his features.
My smile then widens as I suddenly remember something.
"Well in that case," I tell Lucas, "I have something for you." I hold up my index finger and smirk at him. "Just wait one moment please."
I turn to the side and quickly shove my hand into my bra to try and retrieve the note I was supposed to give Lucas hours ago. I rummage around in search for the little slip of paper that is in there somewhere.
Oh God, where is it?
From my peripheral vision I watch Lucas eye me quizzically.
"Do you need a helping hand there-"
"Nope!" I exclaim, at last pulling out the little folded piece of paper. "I found it!"
I quickly inspect the inside of the note to see if the ink has run from any boob sweat or whatever but it's all good. The writing is intact and not smudged.
"Your hand please," I tell Lucas as I turn back around to face him, causing him to raise an eyebrow.
"Your hand Lucas," I repeat, quirking my own eyebrows when he's yet to make any movement.
Lucas reluctantly holds out his large palm. "And here you go," I murmur under my breath as I place the slip of paper in the middle of his hand. I then close his fist for him and bring his wrist up to my mouth and peck him softly over his pulse.
"You're doing my thing?" Lucas asks amusedly.
I nod my head, smiling, as I push Lucas fist back towards his chest. "Yes. Now open."
With one last glance at me, Lucas draws his attention down onto his fist and wastes no time in re-opening his hand and prising open the slip of paper to read the note.
He subconsciously mouths the words written inside as he reads and I watch as his entire face transforms from curiosity to pure joy in a flash of a second. His eyes skim the note once, then twice and then a third time before a dimpled smile breaks out onto his face, one of those grins that has his eyes smiling too, the crinkles in the corners making an appearance.
"Yeah?" Lucas asks, laughing and turning the paper over so that the side that has my writing is facing me. "You love me too?"
I shrug my shoulders nonchalantly, unable to stop the grin from breaking out onto my face. "I guess so."
"Say it," Lucas tilts his chin towards me, smirking and his eyes twinkling as he throws my words back to me.
"Say what?" I tease him in return just as he had done to me only moments before.
Lucas cocks his head to the side. "That you love me."
My grin widens. "I love you Lucas," I tell him, earnestly. "I love you a lot. Like a lot, a lot."
Lucas' gaze locks with mine and if possible, his grin grows even wider. Emotion swirls in his irises as he flits his eyes across all my features, lingering slightly on my lips before drawing back up to meet my eyes. "So if we're both madly in love with each other," he says teasingly, "does that mean you'll be my girlfriend?"
I tilt my head to the side and pull my bottom lip between my mouth, my cheeks hurting from smiling. "Yes."
"Good." Lucas hums and nods his head once. "Does that also mean I get to kiss you again?"
I nod my head eagerly. "Hell yes."
"Great." Lucas grabs the back of my neck and pulls my head towards him. "Because it's been torture waiting all day to do this again."
Our noses brush against each other and there is not even a beat of hesitation before his lips come crashing down on mine.
━
AUTHORS NOTE:
OHMYGOSH KAKANNFMSMDMA I FEEL LIKE A PROUD MOTHER
I can't believe after 80 long chapters and after writing for 11 freaking months isabella and lucas are finally together :') this slowburn was pure agony but we made it guys!!!! WE MADE IT!1!1!1!1
i'll be honest his chapter is NOTHING like how i planned the confession to go HAHA it's defo cheesy (and frankly not my best writing) but it's okay because i think it's perfectly them :)
ALSO GUESS WHAT GUYS TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAYYYYY TEEHEHEHEHE as a lil present from me to you, check out the bonus chapters book i posted ;) READ THE DISCLAIMER MFS