dear M.B,
can you believe it? friends for almost 4 years... remember our first year? you dated this one girl and you put her relationship before the rest of our friends. did you ever feel any form of guilt? you never acted like it.. our first year.. it was nothing compared to the years to come. i thought we were rough because our ups and downs with K.L, since she came before me for some time so you guys were good friends.
we barely were even close after a while because you guys' friendship was just so strong. it hurt... but we became best friends but i always feel bad for leaving K.L out after and D.O. you acted as if the world revolves around you and still do... an aquarius female isn't to be trusted. at least that's how i feel nowadays.
our 2nd year together.. i was figuring out my sexuality and you werent any help. we had 1 class together yet... my thoughts circled around you and you didn't think about me even twice.. was i wrong for thinking you were that sweet symphony i kept hearing? your voice was always heavenly and i always admired you and wished to have such a beautiful voice.
you never really liked the hype i got for my voice so you made me feel really insecure when i sang... you never projected your feelings but it was on your face and you finally said it after a while.
remember when i liked E.W? it was my first girl crush. i told you and you said you
also liked her. i automatically knew i should back down because you're so beautiful. from your thick black girls, braces, and thick thighs... i was nothing with my dark brown braids, gap between my teeth, and small boney legs.
you told me you had your eyes on someone else though and i was gullible enough to believe it. i perceived you as a goddess, but you were more like a siren. your beautiful, heavenly voice echoing through my hollow heart and bouncing off my rib cage. ringing through my ears. you lured me in and ate every good part of me. slowly.
i really liked her... she seemed to like me to. we started talking in November. The orange and brown hues of that November seeming more vibrant than usual... that was your first time ever seeing me even like someone. i was happy... my phone broke though. she stopped coming to school. the 2 classes i had with her seemed more lonely. the other girls in my classes seemed to despise me more than they should've... they liked her and they knew it. she treated me differently than them... E.W.
nobody knew about our relationship though since she was embarrassed by me.
Christmas break came fast. she came to school a few times in November. We acted as an old married couple... in prívate. ashamed. that's what she was. she disappeared the whole month of December too. i was just happy to feel loved by her. you ruined everything.
my phone was getting fixed in December, but i got her a christmas present the day before we went on break. do you remember that? i do. her favorite snacks and some bracelets. it wasn't much but it meant everything to me that she had at least something.
you came in... for someone with bad news you seemed awfully cheerful coming in the halls. a happier aura. you told me.. in a confident tone with everyone around my locker... that she had been flirting with you. showing me the messages of "baby" and "mamas" and more cringey nicknames being thrown around like a ball. tears were in my throat and i was going to choke on them. i had to excuse myself to the bathroom and even after i embarrassed myself- no you embarrassed me... you followed me there.
i wasn't appreciative of that at all. i kicked a bathroom stall and only shed like two tears. i dont and will never cry in school. especially not while you were there... now i wasn't sad. i was insecure. insecure because you seemed far more prettier than before. i seemed way less attractive.
I remember when January came and i had my phone already fixed. i even forgave E.W. i forgave you too... mistakes on top of mistakes. E.W now had 3 classes with me and 1 class with you. now we had 2 classes together.
we both shared a computer class with E.W. i remember when she kissed my cheek with her long curly brown hair brushing my face. you admitted after that you were jealous...i couldn't help but feel like i finally was caught up on something i didn't even know i needed to be caught up on.. but you always had the upper-hand.
a week later i had a field trip with one of my clubs and you never were into extracurricular activities. you and E.W... alone. I tried to make every excuse in the book that day so you two couldn't be doing exactly what happened last time to me...
i told my administrator i was sick... she called my mom and she forced me to go. i really did feel sick. i'm happy i went though. i still wonder what would've happened if i didn't. i went to this Women's rights production and we ate panera at a lunch place we rented. i had fun with K.L. I forgot all about you two and there was this satisfying, carefree feeling. i lived in the moment and forgot about E.W and losing my first girl crush to a beautiful, developed teen.
i got brought back to reality when i came to my last period and you were there. it wasn't computer but chorus. you embarrassed me in public yet again. surrounded by others that i associated myself with a lot; even though they preferred to be your friend over mine. you stated that she kept rubbing your thigh and getting really, really close to your face. the warmth of your skin rushing, mixing with the heat of her lighter shade.
i just looked away and passed you notes to the side. i told you how much it hurt and you brushed it off. it should've told me right there how you really felt... but i was oblivious and blinded by how close i thought you were and you being my one, and only close friend.
everyone kept telling me i need to also make more friends and not just associates but i put all my faith in our friendship. all i talked about was you, to the extent where people thought i was the one falling in love with you. but you were my first supportive best friend even if it was only to your benefit.
E.W and i never talks about what happened. she just felt my silence. she didn't understand what was going on but i would never say. when you guys started talking and all her friends actually knew she liked her... it was so different to how she treated me... i was jealous. i couldnt hide it so i separated myself from the both of you. i hung out with F.F and everyone thought i liked her when she was just a friend... i don't even talk to her anymore.
you dated her too when rumors went around about me and her and i started to see a pattern. E.W rlly hated F.F and still does to this day. she also was mad i talked to her. your letter is probably longer than the others because our story goes deeper than you will ever know.
i remember when E.W didn't come to school for a month again and you confessed that you liked me. i couldn't reciprocate the feelings but i couldn't seem to tell you the truth either because i was afraid it'd ruin our really strong friendship.
you said that it'd be fun if we pranked our grade into thinking we dated... i thought of it as immature but i wouldn't dare say it. we did and everyone was surprised ... E.W was possessive over us both. it was unhealthy and i seemed to realize it during that time. i didnt process it but i noticed it.
when we ended the joke she seemed more relieved than i did. i remember when you both forgot about me when she came back to school. she didn't even turn her head to look at me and she only came to my locker if you were there, and you rarely even showed up anymore. you were either at her locker or your own. i wasnt even... existing in your world. i was just an extra character in your fucked up book.
i decided to do something to take my mind off of it. i joined the track team and met this girl.. you remember B.G.. she was.. amazing. i was always scared to talk about her scared your beauty would take her away from me.
ashamed that i was insecure because of you. i told you i liked her though. she was in your classes, she was just on my team because she jut transferred. i remember when E.W left you to try and get me back. she even joined the team when she found out. it was annoying because B.G thought she liked me.
she didn't. she liked you.
when E.W asked if you liked me actually one day. your reply broke me into a million pieces and i made still not ever want to speak to you to this day. "why would i ever like a bag of bones like her?". those words left a scar and a mark i could never get rid of. you liked these bones, told me you were in love with my body. was it a lie? no my feelings werent mutual but you acted like her... ashamed of me.
now we dont talk...
i hope we never become close again...
you said you miss me...
you said you miss us...
or do you just miss when we had sex to get your mind off E.W? my tongue interlocking with your making me think you loved me... i even considered my feelings for you.
i still had feelings for B.C even if we weren't official. you used my body for your own benefit. even if it felt good to me... i still can't shake the fact you tried to take pictures so you can show her. you immediately told her after that we had sex. i still talk to her even though you don't...
she brings up how she felt like we were in a relationship more of than you two. you apparently always talked about me to her... so why didn't you talk to me? crazy. i blocked you at least 4 times. blocked her 9. unblocked because you both begged and had other people text me when i should've just blocked them too.
the way your fingers moved through my body felt amazing. your tongue swirling in me and you praising me... it all felt good. but it never met anything to you. i wanted it so bad... but you didn't want me.
if i were a bad person i would text you back after the 23 messages you left me and say I miss you too. even though it's not true and the sex was good. but im not that kind of person. and i thought you weren't either.
sincerely,
Nia.