havent updates this in a while
i suppose i just haven't felt the need to
but recently everything's been getting worse again
i've started anti depressants but it's not making any real difference
it's making me feel sick. it's making me feel like a problem that needs to be solved.
i'm gaining weight again and it makes me feel like i have no control over anything
the days are getting more and more repetitive.
wake up at 11am
stare at the ceiling for half an hour or so
contemplate having breakfast
decide against it
take my medication
go back to sleep for three hours or so
check all my social media's
look at all my unread messages
don't reply to any of them
stare at my ceiling
imagine what it would be like if i died
hey it's 2pm ! get some water
try to eat lunch
fail miserably
contemplate throwing it all up
either do so and fall asleep, or don't and stare into the mirror, poking my body and listing off everything i hate
sleep again
hey it's like 6pm! force down a family dinner
stare at my ceiling
imagine how happy i would be if i was pretty and skinny
sleep again
repeat !
respect to the anorexics who can actually lose weight : for the past month i have been consistently binging, feeling bad, low restricting, and then binging again.
it's a horrible, painful cycle that i cant fucking escape
i have swimming next term
i have so so many scars all over my body . my chest, my hips, my thighs, my calves, my arms, my shoulders, my ribs.
how am i meant to hide them?
how am i meant to hide myself?
i spend so much time staring at myself in the mirror, crafting outfits that mask every single ugly aspect of my body (all of it) and now it's ALL being thrown out thr window to do some swimming. great.