december 24th, 1978.
XANDRA'S APARTMENT
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"they told me all of my cages were mental, so i got wasted like all my potential. and my words shoot to kill when i'm mad, i have a lot of regrets about that."
•••
cw: alcohol dependence, and panic attacks. kind of a heavy chapter, basically represents the song for it.
Rhiannon had been staying with Xandra for almost three weeks now and had skipped school. At this point she didn't care if she got expelled, in fact, she hoped she would. It would make everything easier, just running away from your problems. Xandra was at work most of the week, so Rhiannon was alone most of the time.
She had been drinking, a lot. Xandra could tell she was using that to cope and wanted to say some, but she knew Rhiannon. She would push it to the side and say she's 'fine. Xandra could see how horrible she was doing, I mean with what Rhiannon's been through she doesn't blame her.
Her eye bags were getting worse, she would sleep in, alcohol was always on her breath, she wasn't trying to get better at all. They had hardly spoken unless it's to watch a movie, and Jules would come over from time to time and try to make her happier. But that never worked.
"Rhiannon, hey!" Xandra shook Rhiannon awake, who turned back to her in the bed and peeped her eyes open. Her mascara was running down her face, she must've cried last night, "I made us breakfast, come to the kitchen." She softly advised.
Xandra left the room as Rhiannon stood up and limped to the bathroom, barfing up all the booze she drank last night. She had gotten used to it at this point. The way it burned her throat, her head throbbing in the morning, feeling sick all the time.
She flushed the toilet, looking up at her dull-faced self in the mirror. She looked horrible than ever and knew that. She felt even worse than she looked, and was getting drunk so she could just forget for a minute.
Rhiannon felt bad, just leaving everyone with no explanation. She knew that they would miss her, and she missed everyone but she'd be back soon. Hopefully. She splashed her face with water and then walked to the kitchen to see a plate with eggs, toast, and bacon.
The two sisters ate in silence, they both didn't know what to talk about. Tomorrow was Christmas, Rhiannon's least favorite holiday. She never got gifts, and now it just reminded her of her dad. "Mom wants to talk to you tomorrow."
"Is she mad at me?" Rhiannon asked, worried. She hadn't spoken to her mom since last November when her mother said that she had was "getting better".
"No, not at all. Just worried." Xandra told her. Worried? Rhiannon never got along with her mom well either, they would always find something to squabble about. Xandra and Rhiannon both finished their food, and Rhiannon got a cigarette out "Can we watch West Side Story?"
Xandra smiled at her, happy that she's talking. "Of course." She walked over to her drawer and pulled out the VHS tape of West Side Story. She flicked a switch, and then the movie was up and running.
The movie finished and it was now the evening, and they would go back to not speaking. Rhiannon was now in her room, drinking the rest of the day away like she always did. Lesley Gore was playing fainting in the background as she downed a bottle of gin.
Play all my records, keep dancing all night
But leave me alone for awhile
'Til Johnny's dancing with me
I've got no reason to smile
Xandra creaked the door open, seeing Rhiannon then frowning. It hurt her to see her little sister be this depressed, especially since she couldn't do much about it. She sat down on the bed with her, taking the bottle out of her hands "Can we talk?"
"About what?"
"You know what."
Rhiannon took a deep breath, exhaling before replying, "I know." her voice broke, and tears brimmed in her eyes. She looked up at her, breath started to become heavy.
"Look, I- I," Xandra paused, she was thinking of what to say to her. Maybe what she ended up telling her wasn't the best. "I don't want you to end up like dad." Rhiannon was speechless, she didn't know what to say, was she really likes her dad?
It kept running through her mind, over and over. It was happening again, that stressful feeling in her stomach. She usually would get it after doing drugs, but maybe feeling like her father did it.
Xandra noticed this, seeing Rhiannon start to panic and cry "I don't want to make you feel bad, I just want you to try."
Rhiannon's breath hitched, and she tried to make out words. "This is me trying." She told her, now crying.
Xandra sighed, "I'm gonna take this bottle of gin and throw it away, and then we're going to do our favorite Christmas activity."
—————
Rhiannon and Xandra were now driving to a karaoke bar, preparing to go belt out some songs. It was a better distraction to Rhiannon's problems than drinking, and she missed spending time with her sister like old times.
Xandra brought a few of her friends. Jules, who was about to graduate from university and go on to be a screenwriter. She said she wanted to be "Frances Ford Coppola with a vagina.". She thought The Godfather was the best movie to ever exist, her dream was to be the first female to win an Academy Award for best director.
Then there was Lana, who loved soul music, and Aretha Franklin; and was currently trying to break into the industry. She had a killer voice, so Rhiannon wouldn't be surprised if she would end up buying her records in a few years.
Taylor, who dressed a lot like David Bowie was Jules' sister. He liked reading and horror movies and would smoke pot a lot and only shop at thrift stores. I guess he was kind of one of those hippies that Rhiannon would hear about. But he was cool, and she had a whole conversation with him about the ranking of Stephen King books.
Anya, who was Taylor's Girlfriend and the complete opposite. She dressed like Rita Moreno in the sixties and was extremely shy. From what Xandra had told her, she was from California, and her parents were from Mexico. She was bilingual, being able to speak Spanish and English, and bisexual.
Rhiannon went first to sing and looked through the long song selection to pick one. Lesley Gore, Elton John, Etta James, there were lots of choices. She ended up going with 'You Don't Own Me.'
You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me
Don't say I can't go with other boys
She sang the song, horribly. She definitely wasn't a singer, but that was the fun of stuff like this. No one would judge you for being a shitty singer.
And don't tell me what to do
Don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display 'cause
She belted out the chorus, everyone laughing and cheering her own as she did. She hardly was even singing, mostly screaming the lyrics. After she finished, Xandra went up and sang 'I Feel Love'.
Jules followed, and sang 'Go Your Own Way." Then Taylor and Anya did a duet to 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart", looking like the main characters in some romantic comedy.
Then everyone did sort of a group number to 'Dead End Justice.' Jules was Joan Jett, Xandra was Cherie Currie, Taylor was Jackie Fox, Anya was Lita Ford, and Rhiannon was Sandy West. Lana just watched them, since she wanted to do the closing number of their time here.
"Joan, let's break out tonight." Xandra acted like they were in a movie.
"Okay Cherie, what's the plan?" Jules replied you could tell she felt honored getting to play Joan.
After the song came to an end, Lana stood up to sing hers. Everyone was excited, knowing that she was the only one here that could actually sing. Apparently, her parents weren't super supportive of her so-called dream, but Lana's goal was to become a big R & B singer like Nina Simone or Aretha Franklin and prove them wrong.
Lana winked at her "audience", the intro of Respect filling up the room. She say the verses beautifully like it was nothing, and she did look like a star. She stood up on a table when it got to her favorite part of the song, belting it out.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care, TCB
Rhiannon laughed, feeling happiness run through her veins. She looked around at everyone, Jules was yelling and cheering on Lana. Xandra was laughing at Jules' choice of words. Anya was singing along, making hand movements to go with it, and Taylor was just smoking a joint and nodding his head to the music as he watched it. It was a happy moment.