The first half of the day went by like a bullet train. All I did in between breaks was consume an unhealthy amount of caffeine and munched on Aloo Bhujia to fill the gaping hole in my heart. Bloated, barely motivated and utterly pissed I dialed a number and pressed my phone against my ear.
"Hello?" The groggy voice of my best friend filled the air and gave me a bit comfort as it washed away the feeling of restlessness.
"Mamta" I say defeated and fell back on my chair. All energy and show leaving my body.
"You okay, Payal?" Mamta asked as I heard shuffling in the background.
"Did I disturb you?" I asked as I chewed my lip. It was selfish of me to wake up my best friend while she's across the world and trying to raise a toddler in a foreign country.
"No, I just put Ben to sleep," Her voice loses all sleep and her voice becomes more firm.
"Are you okay, hun?" Her question slices through the silence around me and I feel hopelessly immature and embarrassed.
"He's still talking to her, Mamta" I don't know what came over me but I bent forward, hiding my face in my hand as if Mamta could see me right now. I knew I was acting vulnerable but what could I do? I felt vulnerable!
"To whom?"
"His ex-girlfriend, Krishna," Irritation and anger seeped into my voice as I had to admit this.
"That son of a building!" Mamta roared on the other side. "How could he do this?"
"Exactly!" I cried out. "Sometimes I feel like I'm chasing behind a cloud. Every time I get closer, it slips away and changes form"
"Does he know that you know?" Mamta asked.
"Yes, I think so. You know he rushed to the bathroom to go talk to her like secret lovers! I don't even what I'm more angry about. The fact that he's talking to her or the fact that he hides it like this"
"You really need to talk to him about this" Mamta spoke softly.
"You think so?" I muttered as my fingers began picking at the nail paint.
"Of course! That man really needs to understand that he is married and he can't go around fooling with his ex. I don't even understand why he is still in contact with her after that girl refused to marry him!"
"I..... feel like shit" I confessed as I saw small my chipped nails and the dust of nail paint on my desk. Red like blood. Red like fallen rose petals.
"Don't you dare cry" She ordered.
"I don't even have the energy for that" I sighed. "You know what hurts the most? Even after putting so many efforts in this marriage, I'm receiving such deception."
"You know after every outing we make, I make him home cooked meal so he doesn't go bed empty stomach. I purchased a high back customized chair for him so he could work in peace at home and not worry about back pains. I rise before him and wake him up so he can go for his morning runs because he doesn't get up on alarm ringtones. I brought a Rohit Sharma signed ball for him on his birthday! I......."
I was breathless and hurt. I blinked away fast and tried to calm my nerves.
"I'm not trying to list what I've done for him but...."
"I know, Payal. I understand."
"Mamta, you've had a love marriage na?"
"Uh... yes"
"Is falling in love so maddening? Is it so maddening that it makes you forget social boundaries? Is it really like people describe it? Does it make you an addict that always comes back for more and more?"
There is silence on the other end and it's so sad that I feel like crumbling into a ball and crying my heart out. I haven't fallen in love and I don't know how far people are willing to go for their love and given the way my life is headed I don't think I'll ever know what it feels like to fall in love.
****
When I reached home, I was greeted with what I had anticipated. My husband avoiding eye contact and behaving as if he was caught red handed smuggling human organs. I didn't bother pretending that I didn't know. I was tired of his habits and I was tired of acting.
As I removed my earrings and placed them on the dressing table, I noticed the kohl pencil. How I had purchased the best in market kajal liner because of that one time Rahil had mentioned at how my eyes looked bright and pretty. I scoffed at the memory. No matter what I did, I wouldn't compete to the ever beautiful Krishna.
She was fairer, prettier, slimmer and most importantly she held a place in Rahil's heart.
I sighed and buried my head in my heads as I tried to calm myself.
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
It wasn't though, was it?
How could a marriage work when my husband wasn't entirely mine?
Cold fingers on the skin of my neck made a shiver run down my spine. I straightened up and peeled my hands away from my face as Rahil tried massaging my neck.
"Please, just stop" I held up my hand and shot out of my position and got up. "Don't touch me"
Rahil despite my request took a step towards me and I bit my lip from screaming loud.
"Payal...."
"You still love her, don't you?" I demanded and Rahil froze. His eyes widened and guilt made itself clear as day on his face. I took a step back and put space between us. It still wasn't enough. The feeling of betrayal was like a ghost latched onto me and choking me.
"I don't understand..... if you wanted eternally keep waiting for her then why why WHY did you marry? Why didn't you just become her Radha and chant bhajan's for her?!"
I was screaming by the end of it. Hurt and disbelief floated on his face and he looked at me as if he was looking at me for the first time. A second passed before he sprung forward and grabbed my hands in his.
"Payal, it's not lik-"
"It's not what it looks like? Well, Rahil, you sneaking around to talk to her is proof enough that you still have feelings for her" I was aware of the deep poison my words held at the moment but I needed him to know what this felt like.
I trusted this man with my future, with my life and with my heart.
"Please, stop Payal"
But he wanted someone else.
"It's been two years of marriage and I'm trying my best to be the best partner for you," I said losing all energy. My knees felt wobbly and took a seat on the edge of the bed as I hung my face low. "But you don't want me, do you?"
A shadow crawled in front of me and soon hands were on my face, pulling my face up. I hadn't realized tears had slipped through my eyes and my wet cheeks were not being wiped by Rahil. Rahil who had glazed eyes and looked like he himself was fighting away tears.
"How could you say that?" Pain flashed through his eyes and I tried my best to shove away his grip but he held my hands firmly in his. He looked into my eyes with a determination that could probably set fires.
"I'm not letting you go. Not now, not ever and I'll gladly end all your doubts if you just give me a chance"
*****
Me to Payal right now:
Perhaps, a bit emotional but I promise the end is so much better.
It'll make you cry!
But like in a good way.