alexa, play panic room by au/ra
DAY 22
"Are you sure you want to do another session?"
Amelia watched James from her position on the white chair opposite to the couch in the living room that he was sitting on, notebook and pen in hand, as she awaited his answer. She was quite surprised by his sudden urgency to sit down with her again, the determination lighting up his blue eyes like fire. The pace at which his progression was moving was becoming slightly difficult to keep up with these days.
This either meant he was going to spiral downwards again or keep going.
"I have a good feeling," James assured her in a softer tone, one she was still trying to get used to, as he relaxed against the back of the couch. "And I don't remember the last time I felt that, so, yes I think we should."
James was determined to show Amelia and everyone else that he could do this. Most importantly, he wanted more than anything to prove to himself that he could do this. It was awfully maddening to constantly live in the shadows of The Winter Soldier.
His words had obviously made Amelia very pleased - the way her hazel eyes scrunched up as her rosy cheeks lifted into a tiny smile in his direction.
"Okay, let's begin," she said coolly.
She waited patiently as James readjusted his position on the couch, already looking more relaxed than he had appeared during their last session. His elbows were resting on the tops of his wide thighs, his raven-colored hair swept back into a low bun, as his eyes fell on her once he was comfortable.
"How are you feeling today?" Amelia continued, taking the end of her pen in between her lips nonchalantly.
"Better. A lot better."
"What makes you feel better?" she questioned curiously. "What positive changes have you made since our last session?"
Bucky undoubtedly felt ten times better talking with her this time around compared to the last. Amelia was always very effortless to have a conversation with, but it was different now, she made him feel like he had been talking to her all of his life. The anxiety, the hesitation he had once felt, gone.
"I don't feel so angry anymore," James admitted with a composed expression, intertwining his metal fingers with his normal ones. "I feel ... like I can breathe. I think your treatment plan suggestions worked well for me."
Amelia struggled to maintain her teasing grin as she spoke. "How so?"
As much as James wanted to dwell on their intimate time together, he stuffed those thoughts deep down for the sake of the session. "Going outside helps. I feel more free when I'm outside."
"It eases your anxiety to feel free?" Amelia assumed.
"When I feel free, I feel more like my own person."
Outside - good idea! Amelia jotted down swiftly in her notebook before glancing back up at Bucky's intrigued eyes.
"This is great progress, James," she confirmed gently, swinging her left leg over her right knee and balancing the notebook in her lap.
"Steve thought so, too."
"Steve told you that?" Amelia wondered out loud.
James nodded with a most pleased look dawning on his features. "Our conversation yesterday made me feel ... normal again."
Bucky had forgotten what his friendship with Steve felt like up until yesterday. It was a nice refresher and reminder of what their bond consisted of. After all, Rogers was the only person that had fought for Buck up until Amelia. Everyone else was ready to end him, while Steve stuck his neck out for him - multiple times.
"It's healthy to maintain relationships," Amelia reminded him with a sly smile. "I'm sure you see that now."
His blue orbs narrowed at her playfully as he leaned back to rest against the couch cushion again. "I've done a lot of relationship maintaining."
"And has it helped?"
"What do you think?" James probed lightly.
Amelia shook her head tentatively at the direction the conversation was heading, ignoring his question all together. Sex flashbacks were not something she needed to be reminded of while she was in the process of questioning him for his therapy session.
"You know I have to ask about your most recent nightmare," she pointed out, tiptoeing carefully around the subject, testing Bucky with her eyes.
James could feel his shoulders gradually slumping at the topic of his fresh bad dream being brought up. His psyche was grasping at thin strings trying to keep his content feeling from slipping away completely.
"I know you're feeling better, but not everyday will feel like this," Amelia spoke in a hushed tone. "Especially while you're still healing."
"What?" he muttered in disappointment. "You want details on how I murdered my family?"
Amelia swallowed slowly. "That's up to you to share."
"I don't want to share. I wish I had never remembered," James said lowly, his blue eyes stared down at his lap now instead of looking up at her.
The tug in Amelia's chest appeared once more, the longing feeling to wrap her arms around him comfortingly because of the look that had filled his once happy eyes. "How did the dream make you feel?"
"Like a monster. Like ... shit."
There weren't even words that existed for the way that James felt every time his mind flashed back to his horrid dream. The pain that lurched in his stomach and his chest at the thought of the fear that had flashed through his parents eyes ... his sibling's eyes.
"Do you remember new things every time you have a nightmare?" Amelia asked him hesitantly, uncrossing her legs as she watched him closely.
"Almost always, yes."
It seems as though his nightmares help remember all of the bad, but he never dreams about any of the good, she wrote down before shutting her notebook.
"Along with continuing your current treatment plan, I want to add some coping mechanisms to help with your nightmares," Amelia explained in an attempt to not push the subject further.
James' eyes flashed up to hers expectantly.
"When you wake from a nightmare, I want you to try and find your most peaceful place," she urged quietly, licking her lips before she spoke once more. "Wherever it is, and go to it."
James pondered whether or not Amelia had any inkling that she was the first thing that popped up in his mind at her words. When he thought of anything calm or peaceful, her face appeared in his head. Just looking at her gorgeous features was enough to ease his nerves.
"Try to remember that this is called re-experiencing," she tried to reassure him the best that she could. "It's very common in trauma cases. The worst part is over. It's in the past."
"The past can be scary."
Amelia nodded understandingly before giving him a friendly smile, leaning forwards and resting her arms in her lap. "Find your calm. Find your peace. Ride your nightmares out this way."
Little did Amelia know, she was the only peace he had known in very, very long time.