October
With each day that drifted on past, she felt like an apple within a still life painting. Crafted like one of Cézanne's, when all from afar seemed so perfectly normal and precisely placed, but actually when taking a closer look, the abnormalities become so very apparent to the eye.
Here she was, conventional appearance wise, despite her gaunt cheeks and bruised under eyes that screamed of the lack of sleep she had been suffering from for months.
And internally, she was decaying. Like rotting fruit. An apple, festering from the inside.
But because they couldn't see it, they would never know. Never be able to configure how much goddamn pain she was in.
Athena kept to herself most of the time. Sometimes she worried everyone would assume her to be deliberately antisocial and although this was sort of the case, she just couldn't bring herself to be around people. Surrounding herself with human interaction was exhaustive.
Especially when everyone tried to act like nothing was wrong. As if the entire world wasn't falling apart, meanwhile they were lounging about in the Gryffindor common room, pretending like it was just another year at Hogwarts.
Just another year.
And if she weren't at Hogwarts, she wasn't sure if she knew where else she'd want to be. After all, this had always been the place she'd longed to come back to after every summer.
No...she did. She knew exactly where she'd rather be.
Anywhere that he was.
And that was the sad truth of it. Her heart longed for him, her soul ached to be near to his. But at the end of the day, she was always left with the same bottomless despair. Another day of being without him.
She was so fucking drained. So empty. So sick and tired of feeling like she had nothing, when she once had everything.
It was a tumult of conflict that stirred within her like a hurricane. She just wanted it all to end. Just wanted to be near him again. Merely knowing he was in the same proximity as her would be enough. To know that he had been real—that he was still real.
What a waste of time she felt sitting in a tedious lesson was when thinking about her friends. They were somewhere out there, probably fending for their lives, trying to survive or whatnot—she had no idea. Meanwhile, she was here, sat within a warm classroom shielded by the rain pour outside, taking notes on Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration.
Her mind tended to wander in lessons. Her attention span had never been the same since the summer. She could tell her grades were slacking, but couldn't find the means within herself to care.
What did it matter? Optimism had been lost on her a long time ago. She was probably just going to die anyway. She'd already been face to face with death once.
"Miss Greene, is there something more interesting on the other side of that window that prohibits you from returning your focus back to your textbook?" McGonagall's strict tone sounded through the loudness of her thoughts.
She sluggishly looked towards the front of the class, refocusing her eyes upon the words that dotted over the page of the textbook.
A disadvantage of reluctance to sleep, she was always so ridiculously tired.
Beside her was Luna, twirling the ends of a golden lock of her hair around her finger, quite obviously in her own little world.
Athena allowed McGonagall's voice to act as background noise among the midst of her thoughts, only partially listening, but making sure to continue taking notes. Probably repeating the same notes over and over again.
She spent most of the lesson in her head, the way she usually did. Paying attention, but not really. Only appearing to. Zoning out was a common habit of hers now, not one she wanted to have.
Luna, Ginny and a few of their other classmates were going to spend time in the Room of Requirement after the lesson. They did this frequently without any of the staff knowing since they'd restarted the practice and gatherings of Dumbledore's Army. But Athena never wanted to go.
As hopeless as she felt, there was no fight left within her that wanted to combat against the Dark Arts. Everyone had encouraged her to join them, but each time she declined, formulating an excuse.
She probably couldn't form a patronus even if she tried. All memories that had once been happy, were bittersweet. Too painful to reminisce.
Today her reason was simple. She was too tired, which wasn't actually untrue.
She took herself to her dormitory with the thought in mind of resting eyes for a while in between the hours that passed before her next lesson.
But when she lay upon her bed, she couldn't get her mind to rest, therefore was unsuccessful in her simple task to have a nap.
She felt a sudden inclination to be brave and take herself outside to the Black Lake. To walk over the area where it had all happened that night.
Since she had returned from the summer, she had seemed to have built up some psychological fear around the events. This included anything that reminded her of it, locations that felt too familiar, and all of this fear was renewed by the flash of green light she'd see every time she let herself sleep without applying Occlumency beforehand.
But she couldn't walk past the Black Lake without freezing and shutting herself down into a panicked state. Over the months she had been back, she'd attempted to walk over the area that it had happened—where Cedric died, but never made it more than a few feet before a chilling terror consumed her and she'd shrink away. Would try again another day.
At first there had been no progress. It was frustrating to say the least. Perhaps it would be made easier if she had someone with her. But there was no one she could tell.
They wouldn't understand. She'd only feel too embarrassed, constantly ridiculing herself. You coward. You can't even walk over a plain of grass without wanting to die. Coward. Coward. Coward.
It was certainly an added element to her newfound despise for herself.
And it all circled back to feeling like an apple in still life. A rotting, festering, secretly repulsive apple that if one were to take a bite from, to know what lingered behind the silky film of her skin and the outward reflection of her mind, they'd be disgusted. Could never live it down.
But today she felt brave. Today she wanted to get out there, stride over the turf with her head up high. Higher than the mountains that surrounded, that made her feel so small, and she wanted to do something. To achieve something.
She performed her Occlumency, clearing her mind of the fear, the thoughts that stubbornly tortured her and she took herself down to the surrounding plain of the Black Lake.
Only a few students were in the distance, all huddled together by one of the banks. The grass glittered with the residue drops of rain pour from earlier on, the green looking utterly miserable under the glum grey of the clouds.
She set her jaw, swallowed hard and took herself forwards in her steps. Focused on the grass as she neared the lake. Further and further with each small step taken.
She didn't think. Couldn't allow her mind to wander. Just kept walking. Forwards and forwards.
She paid extra careful attention to how the chilly breeze felt against her skin, and how it made her prickle, the little hairs all over her arms standing up with the cold that sent an internal shiver through her bones.
As she grew closer to the area, she grew colder.
Don't think. Just walk.
Her chest was tightening, making it slightly more difficult for her to breathe. But she focused intensely, took a deep breath and swallowed again. Hard.
Her eyes fell upon the area she was aiming for. The very patch of grass Cedric's body had been knocked upon that night. She could practically still see his imprint on the ground.
But she carried on, trying to see the turf as it was, not how her mind wanted to see it, trying to shut that part of imagination off completely. It was just plain old grass. There was no imprint of a body. Only fresh, dewy, soggy grass.
Her ankles felt as if they were about to give way, her knees about to buckle beneath her. Each step felt like a marathon being run. But she carried on, and she was nearly there.
She shifted her attention to the lake. As she walked forwards, she watched the water, finding some sort of tranquillity within herself by narrowing all of her focus down to it.
And before she knew it, she was there. Standing in the centre of it all. Her feet stilled over the very patch of grass where Cedric's soulless eyes had stared back at her.
She sunk to the ground, an unsettling feeling arising that was a combination of both a strange contentment for her achievement and an empty sadness.
Because as she let her weight fall onto the grass, every reminder of that night suddenly flooded back to her. All in an overwhelming combustion of memories and nightmares. And all she could do was cry.
She cried until it felt as if all had drained from her, until she was left with nothing but the earth shattering void in her chest that was filled by grief and pain and denial and remorse. She cried until all feeling was restored to nothingness. An emotionless half-human among the living once again.
This was routine.
To let the despondency drown her until her chest grew tired of trying to breathe, of trying to gain control. She wouldn't cry for weeks, sometimes months, and then it would all break through like a dam bursting. Each time it ripped a piece of her away. She couldn't fathom how there was anything left of her. Perhaps she was immortal.
Then Cedric wouldn't have had to die. To sacrifice his life in order to save hers.
And yet here she was, in her second chance of living, wasting it, sobbing by the lake bank. Wasting away the happiness he'd always wanted for her.
Happiness seemed like a long lost friend. One she wanted back so badly, but had no idea where to look to find the location to reunite with that friend.
But she heard countless times what others would all say to her. Healing is not linear. You will find happiness again, but in time. Be patient.
Her patience was running short and she wasn't even sure if she had much more time before they came back for her. Just because Lucius Malfoy had failed in his mission that one time, that didn't mean anyone else would. She knew they would come for her because it's what the Dark Lord wanted. It's what he ordered.
She was just playing the waiting game. Each tick of the clock, like a pounding alarm of the reminder.
Worst of all, she was so alone in her pain. Most just assumed it was only because she was grieving for Cedric—which was the case. But really it was an array of multiple things. The factors she could mark out—Cedric's death, the trauma of that night that she couldn't forget, Draco.
Just everything that revolved around him. Any reminder of him was like being stabbed with a white hot knife that sheared itself slowly, torturously along her soul.
The longing to see him again was desperate, even when knowing he didn't want to see her. She couldn't stand the thought. Let it dredge through her, a spear impaling her heart, enlarging the great gaping hole.
Probably an hour or so had passed when she regained consciousness of reality and forced herself to stand, to head into the warmth of the castle.
The back of her skirt was damp which irritated her, but she couldn't be bothered to cast a drying charm. She just let the wet dew from the grass cement against her skin, making it impossible for the cold to leave her.
-
fifty sixth chapter complete
these last few chapters have really just been an outlet for my mental state lmaoo