Chapter 1: Ready, Set, Not Yet
Evan.
Dear Evan Hansen, today's going to be an amazing day, and here's why.
The text cursor blinked expectantly. Pressuring him.
Because today...
Today what? Would be another day to overthink every little thing? To feel ignored and unseen, even though at the same time it seems like everyone is staring at him waiting for the inevitable moment he messes something up? To have trouble listening to conversations or lectures because the beating of his own heart is too loud in his ears, ringing at the rhythm of his fast short breaths?
No, stay positive... it's what the doctor said, it's what your mom wants.
All you have to do is just be yourself. But also confident, that's important. And interesting, like, easy to talk to, approachable. But mostly be yourself, that's the big like- like that's number one. Be yourself. Also don't worry about your hands getting sweaty for no reason...
The boy kept writing, and even though it was supposed to help, he just kept finding more and more reasons why this wouldn't be such an amazing day. But the first day of school should be awesome. Because if it wasn't, what would the rest of the year look like...?
Before he found the answer to that question, his mom walked in, some crumbled bills in her hand.
"So you just decided not to eat last night?"
Evan looked over, his hands fidgeting.
"I wasn't hungry."
"You're a senior in High School, Evan, you need to be able to order food for yourself, you could even do it through an app now..."
He just sighed, not even wanting to bother explaining that he would still have to answer the door, and wait for the change, and how excruciatingly difficult that was. She wouldn't understand. The woman peeked at the laptop's screen.
"Oh you've been writing those letters to yourself?"
Evan quickly closed the laptop, nodding. He started getting ready for class, putting his shoes on.
"I started one, I'll finish it at school," he mumbled.
"Good! Those letters are important, honey! You can tell Doctor Sherman all about it this afternoon...and hey, I know! You can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast!"
He looked over at his covered broken arm, the white space a clean slate reminding him how empty his social life was. But maybe he could change that today. He forced a smile towards his mom.
"Perfect."
"I'm proud of you already!"
The boy gulped down his morning pills with the glass of water on his bedside table, said goodbye, and rushed to catch the bus, even though it was still early. But he didn't want to be late and seem like he was a mess, or get sweaty, or miss the first bell, then again being too early could also be awkward and...
His mom sighed and watched him go with a tired, but hopeful, smile.
Jeremy.
C-c-c c'mon c-c-c- c'mon, go go!
Jeremy groaned, half asleep, at the sound of his alarm. Not fully awake, his hand blindly reached out to try and find his phone to turn it off.
C-c-c c'mon c-c-c- c'mon, go go!
In his attempt he accidentally knocked over his phone along with a lotion bottle, and they both crashed to the ground, the sound immediately stopping.
"Shit!" Jeremy bolted, picking his device from the floor, which was now all sticky from the spilled lotion. "Godammit."
He used his shirt to wipe it clean as best he could, though it seemed to be freaking out, turning on and off on its own. Why did things never go right for him? He didn't expect to be Robert De Niro in a movie where everything runs smoothly, but could at least some things go well? Joe Pesci levels of fine, maybe?
Getting up and preparing for class, he pondered if it'd be better to use the bus or walk, his stomach turning into a knot at the thought of both.
First day of junior taking the bus made him feel lame and exposed, but if he walked he would be all sweaty and reek by the time he got there... grunting, he grabbed his backpack and dashed out of the room, hoping that he wouldn't be too late to catch the bus.
"Agh, dad, put on some pants!" trying to ignore the unfortunate sight of his father in nothing but boxers and a robe, he didn't stop on his way out.
"Just pretend we're in the army!" the man called out, while brushing his teeth.
If we were in the army you wouldn't be allowed to run around in your underwear, he thought, shaking his head.
Afraid he would look weird running, the boy awkwardly power-walked his way to the bus stop, having to sprint as he turned around the last corner because the bus was already taking off. He managed to grab on just in time, stepping in and pretending he didn't see the irritated look the driver gave him.
He looked for a place to sit, and quickly found the one seat that wasn't taken, next to a kid he vaguely knew, because he was usually running away from everyone. He wore a blue striped shirt. Ethan, was it? Something like that.
Jeremy sat down, catching his breath still. He could feel his palms getting sweaty as well as his pits, well that's just fantastic, not like that was exactly what he was hoping to avoid or anything.
"Deep breaths are better than short ones when you're out of air," the boy next to him murmured, so quietly Jeremy first wasn't sure if he was talking to him. He wasn't even making eye contact. But he had to be addressing him, because everyone else around had their backs turned to them.
"Oh, uh-" He did as the other suggested, taking a couple of deep breaths, and soon feeling his heart start to calm down. Then he looked back at the blue-shirt kid, offering a small smile. "Thanks. You're uh, on senior class right?"
This one nodded, gripping his backpack in his lap like he was holding on for dear life. Jeremy was quite familiar with anxiety and could easily recognize it, and worried he was making him uncomfortable, so to ease the pressure of having to do small talk, he put on his earbuds and played the first song that came up on his playlist, something about doing more than surviving.
It was so loud, he didn't hear, when they were arriving and the bus was stopping, the other kid asking him to sign his cast, then quickly scurrying away when he realized the other one couldn't hear him.
Connor.
The best spot in the school wasn't even in the school, exactly. It was behind it, in the parking lot, by a maintenance shed. All their favorite hangout needed was a brick wall, that hid them from the rest of the academy and at the same time acted as a comfortable support to rest their backs on while sitting on the ground.
Jason Dean was reading an old copy of The Flowers of Evil, while Connor Murphy, by his side, calmly smoked a joint, staring into the horizon, his mind filled with dazed thoughts. They usually didn't talk much, but they both enjoyed their quiet, accepting friendship in a world ruled by social demands neither of them ever agreed to follow.
"Wanna hit?" Connor offered.
JD didn't look up from his book, but a sideways smile curled his lip.
"I'm more of a slushy guy myself. 'Sides, rather keep my head clear, got to concentrate."
"Well, I gotta get through this stupid first day somehow," the other one replied, taking a drag, and coughing a bit after.
A ridiculously expensive pink car pulled up, and three girls stepped down in synchrony, as beautiful as they were deadly. Tailored outfits of the latest fashion all in different shades of pink, Bulgari sunglasses, designer bags, and rotting personalities. The Plastics.
They strut down towards the building proudly, one slightly in front of the others, an aura of power and authority around them, passing next to the two boys.
"Ew, I don't know if that's the weed smell or his own BO," Gretchen whispered as they walked past, but loud enough so she knew everyone would hear. The way she looked at the girl ahead as she said it clearly showed she was looking for approval with that comment.
"There's a difference?" Regina replied, and the three of them giggled.
Connor's expression darkened with painfully clear hurt. Both guys may have seemed calm on the surface, but while JD was like a frozen lake, Connor was more like a volcano, ready to erupt at any minute.
He jumped up, his hands clenched in fists.
"Stop laughing at me!" He yelled, his voice shaking with anger and sadness.
The girls glanced back, raising their eyebrows and smiling, and murmured something about him being crazy before walking off without a care in the world.
JD got up slowly, marking the page in his book before sliding it in his trench coat pocket.
"Don't worry about them," he said, seemingly unfazed both by the girls and his friend's reaction. "They're dinosaurs, all high and mighty, sure, 'kings of the world'... till they go extinct," he winked.
"Whatever." Connor shook his head and stormed off in the opposite direction.
He was so caught up in his thoughts, he didn't notice someone in his way until he bumped into them, his notebooks spilling on the ground. He heard a sound from the other kid that sounded very much like a laugh, and immediately glared at him with fire in his eyes.
"Why does everyone laugh at me?!"
The kid, Evan, immediately seemed terrified, his hands up apologetically.
"I- I-I'm sorry I didn't- I wasn't- I wasn't laughing, I swear! I don't laugh- well I mean I do laugh uh, sometimes, like when watching a movie and there's a funny scene and you chuckle to yourself or rather exhale through your nose but I- didn'tlaughnow..."
His voice rushed the last words and trailed off. The boy's utter worry calmed Connor down a bit. It was clear he didn't have any bad intentions, and he believed him.
"It's fine," he muttered, picking up his notebooks.
Evan seemed to breathe again. He took a second staring at the ground to gather his thoughts and calm his anxiety, before helping to pick up the books.
"So. What happened to your arm?" Connor asked rather bluntly, noticing the cast, while shoving his stuff back on his bag.
"Uh I- I fell out of a tree."
"You...fell out of a tree?" the boy's expression brightened, now seeming to want to contain his laughter. "Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, oh my god," he chuckled.
Evan laughed somewhat nervously.
"I know..."
Connor suddenly frowned.
"No one signed your cast... I'll sign it. Got a sharpie?"
"Uhm..." the anxious kid pulled the pen from his pocket, and slowly handed it to the other one.
Connor took it, grabbed Evan's arm, ignoring his surprised squeak, and signed his name: an outsized scrawl, covering an entire side of the cast.
Evan swallowed.
"Uh, thanks..."
"Now it's as if we were friends," Murphy stated, and without giving the other one a chance to mumble out an answer, turned and walked away.
This was going to be a strange first day.