LEAH
A waft of garlic and basil filtered into my bedroom, disrupting my focus.
I looked away from the laptop screen and rubbed my tired eyes.
"Dinner's ready, honey!" called my mother.
"Coming!" I yelled back.
Some days, I felt like I had time-traveled back to high school. Those were the last days I'd lived under this roof.
As much as I missed the independence of living alone, I needed this when I left James.
I needed stability and security to get my head on straight.
Isabelle and Ryan both offered me their couches, but I knew they'd want to party and get me out. I needed to recluse—at least for a while.
After closing my laptop, I grabbed my phone and padded downstairs to the kitchen.
My mom stood at the stove, turning off the knobs. She turned to me with a smile.
"Hi, sweetie," she greeted. "How was work?"
I smiled a little. "The same. I exchanged emails with a few new advocates we're taking on. They're very excited and I enjoy working with them."
"I know I say this all the time," she said and I knew exactly how she'd finish, "but I am so proud of you for staying with the Foundation. I know it's hard on you but your experiences and your passion to help other men and women are really—well, it's admirable. That's all I can say or I'll start crying."
I laughed and pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, Mom."
"Of course. Now, eat up. You know your dad will eat all of it as soon as he gets home."
"Oh, I know."
We made our plates and sat at the kitchen table. Just as I took my first bite, my phone buzzed in the pocket of my sweats.
My mom was scrolling through Facebook so I took the device out to check it.
JAMES: How was your day?
A flame lashed at the open wound of my heart.
He still texted every day.
Sometimes, when I felt strong enough, I responded.
I set my phone down and shoveled a few more bites down my throat. Then I picked it up again.
LEAH: fine. did you see the new advocates I trained today?
He replied immediately.
JAMES: I did. I meet with them in person on Friday. You should come.
Yeah, right, I thought wryly.
LEAH: you've been doing great with them. i don't need to be there.
JAMES: You'd be a lot of help.
JAMES: I miss you.
I swallowed back the tears threatening to spill. I missed him terribly.
If it wasn't for my therapist here in my hometown, I would have gone back to James. She reminded me weekly that I needed to protect myself and my mental health first.
I wasn't ready to see him. I would unravel the moment he laid eyes on me.
I was tired of unraveling. For once, I just wanted to be strong for myself.
"You okay, honey?"
My head snapped up and I saw my mom studying me warily. "Yep. Fine."
"You seem deep in thought. Who are you texting?"
I hesitated before admitting it was James.
"Is that a good idea?" she asked in her mom voice.
"It's for work."
She made a grunting noise that meant she didn't believe me. "Are you thinking about going back to him?"
"No," I answered quickly. Then I sighed. "I don't know."
"You have plenty of time to heal and decide. You don't have to go back to him, Leah. Those Muller men always get you hurt."
"I know, Mom."
No one knew that better than me.
—(—)—
A few hours later, I lay stretched out on the couch while watching a movie with my parents.
I slid my phone out of my sweatpants and opened my text conversation with James.
His last message beamed at me.
I miss you.
We were toxic together. Weren't we?
We continuously made poor decisions that affected each other with no regard.
He wanted me to live with him. I pursued a sexual relationship with him. Even though he was my dead ex-boyfriend's brother and my current boss.
He brought a wild and impulsive side of myself I never met before. I hardly recognized myself when we were together.
So why do I crave his presence like a drug?
The memory of his voice, his smell, his heated touch—it all reduced my brain and heart to a pile of useless rubble.
I had to stay strong for myself, though.
James knew I was in danger, yet he gave no indication. He even knew who the threat was and still didn't feel the need to inform me.
If he was so concerned with my well-being, he should have understood the implications of lying to me.
Not to mention he used me as fucking bait to lure Timothy to the gala.
How could I trust a person who had done these things to me—especially with my romantic history?
Jarrod left my mind in a permanent state of mistrust for men.
Any male who showed interest in me was instantly regarded as a potential predator.
If I ignored James, would he come after me too? Would he track me like an animal and trap me in a gilded cage?
Thus far, he kept his distance.
My anxiety and fear didn't have anything to do with James.
They had everything to do with being out of control. With trusting someone enough to fall for them.
The real problem was that I liked the way James took control of situations.
As much as I hated him coercing me to move in, those were some of the best days I'd had in a long while.
Sharing a space with him was comfortable and interesting and exciting.
I missed his fragrance filling the hallway, his voice bouncing off the walls, his stubble under my fingers.
I missed our sex, our banter, our serious conversations.
His betrayal was the only thing I could hold against him at this point, and even that had been an act of protection. From his perspective, of course.
Keeping me in the dark have him enough time to gather enough evidence to put Timothy away for a long time.
If he'd told me before, I may have let on that I was aware, which could've thrown Timothy off. Then, he may not have waited until the gala to make his move.
Things could have ended much worse for me that night.
When Timothy's court date rolled around, I would have to testify.
I dreaded the day, but I couldn't imagine having to face that without James beside me. He made me feel stronger.
And after trying for so long to make myself healed and perfect again, it was such a relief to meet someone who knew my baggage and offered to carry some of it.
James never tried to heal me. He just accepted me and loved me as I was.
Tears beaded on my shirt.
I bit my lip to stymie a sob and wiped the wetness from my face with a quick, discreet gesture.
God damn it, I thought with a mixture of blistering self-anger and sadness. I love him. I can't even help it.
Muller men would be my ruin.
I couldn't fathom how I had captured them both, but they had irrevocably altered my life. I couldn't look forward to the future or reflect on the past without their memories tainting it all.
Did I really want to put James away on a shelf?
Was it possible, even if I wanted to?
He was not his brother. He hadn't stalked me when I walked away. He remained persistent but gentle.
I believed his love for me was pure.
Perhaps most amazingly, I believed my love for him was equally solid and true.
Unlocking my phone again, I read over his words once more.
Then I answered.
LEAH: i'll be there Friday