Dear diary,
I called Billie on the phone because I wanted to hear her voice.
I asked her how she was and if she was doing ok.
I spoke normal but it still wasn't the same.
For some reason I somehow still struck a nerve.
She got me fucked up in the head.
I've never doubted myself so much.
Some days she calls me pretty sometimes fun.
I really hate that I give her power over me or that kind of shit.
Because some days we're one step forward then we go three steps back.
"I love you and want you baby." She said yesterday.
"I fucking hate you." She said two nights ago.
Like does she love me want me hate I really don't understand.
And call me a masochist but I find it all exciting.
I sometimes wonder which lover I'd get today.
Will she walk me to the door like she did yesterday or send me home crying.
But mostly it's always back and forth, I wonder if I say something wrong.
It's back and forward, I always go over everything I said to see if I did anything wrong or.. maybe it's all her fault.
I'd leave her but the roller coaster is all I have.
because we never get anywhere we always lead back to the same spot or situation.
Billie if you read this I don't understand.
Love, y/n