TW: Mentions of drugs and traumatic events.
(Play the song whenever you feel like like:)
PHOEBE'S POV:
Today is the day I finally see my mom.
And let me tell you, I'm already in a shitty mood and I'm not even fully awake.
We flew back to Los Angeles a day or two ago, I honestly can't remember because of how busy we've been ever since we got back. I didn't know it'd be this hectic, but here we are as always.
I stayed at Harry's place last night, I found myself not wanting to be alone one bit so I called him, we ate ice cream, and did some other shit.
Yes, by "other shit," I mean what we always do. I sucked him off and he ate me out, nothing knew and most girls would start to get bored. But, it's Harry. I'll never get bored nor complain at how sex driven he is.
I have a very big sex drive, so us together... it's unbelievable.
He always knows how to please me, and when something new comes along with the generic routine, it's surprising and honestly, it's very exciting to see what either of us does next.
Let's just leave it at this... we're both sleeping very well.
I'm sitting here with my eyes closed, my head on Harry's chest as I felt his breath keep steady.
It was a nice way to wake up, I swear to god I could've gone into my subspace at some point, but it's never happened to me before so I don't know.
I remember that night and last night, only because of how sore my body still is from riding Harry's face, but I got what I wanted out of it, so I'm not complaining.
Harry and I always do this. We always sit here and wonder if one of us is actually awake, but I know he's for sure sound asleep.
He didn't know I wanted to go see mom today, I think I'll end up keeping that way until I get home.
Harry knows I can't keep shit like this from him, a little note will at least keep him at ease until I get back.
The thing is, I didn't wanna get up. Feeling his soft skin against mine, it's only the best reminder of how much I have of him.
It's a reminder of the only safe thing I have right now.
Sure, we used to do this all the time. Cuddling was always an easy thing for us... But never after doing anything sexual. And that's because we were too scared to admit our feelings, leading to sexual things.
Am I complaining that I have him like this? Absolutely not.
I just never thought things would end up like this, but I'm happier than I ever have been.
I have new friends, new experiences, even a new side of Harry I never thought I'd ever see.
I'm grateful for the opportunities they've given me in this life. But in order for me to have the right mindset, I need to talk to my mother.
It's a shit way to finally feel free, but if it's what needs to be done, I'll do it.
We haven't talked in a long time, but the last time I talked to Spencer was the last time I talked about her, and I wish I could've kept it there.
Considering she got the one memory back that we all thought would stay buried deep, I had to go see her. I don't care if it's five minutes or even one, I need to do this for me.
Harry's knocked out like a damn light, I knew I didn't need to be super careful and quiet when getting ready.
The other time I've seen him this tired was when he got too drunk to even talk, I had to come to the club and pick him up. He's a pain in my literal ass, but I'd do anything for him just to be safe and sound in bed, even if that means picking him up at two in the morning.
Before getting out of bed, I snuggled into Harry's neck even more, I didn't even know if it was possible to get any closer. Apparently it was. His body soothed into my movements right away, his hand rested on my hip, giving it a little squeeze.
He still didn't seem to be awake in reality, so I gave him a few neck kisses, slowly taking his arm and lifting it off of my waist.
I never realize how important his touch is... until the moments when I never have it.
I slowly moved out of his bed, being careful to at least not knock anything over, I love when he sleeps like this. He needs it.
The boys never slept too well on tour, I don't blame them. I mean, how could they when all they had was a tour bus for almost three years? I'd complain everyday. I know he's definitely still catching up on his sleep from even four years ago.
They got treated like shit, all the fans know it... I'm glad Harry and the guys know it too.
I didn't take long to get ready, nothing was gonna change the way I got ready or the way I presented myself, I wasn't gonna change just for the sake of my mother's wants and needs.
Hell, she couldn't even be there for me half the time, memories back or not. That shouldn't change the way you look at your own daughter, it shouldn't change the way you love your daughter.
I'm no mother, and I don't really tend on being one, but I know this isn't what a mother should be. I get that she's trying in the best way she knows how, but it would feel a little bit better if she wanted to include me in that life.
I know she's tried, I know that. But, that doesn't take away the years of guilt and shit that Spencer and I had to go through. She's manipulative and naive, and that wasn't just after the accident.
Allison always wants to blame it all on the accident, but she was the same way even before.
She was just better at hiding it then than she is now.
Dwelling in my thoughts about her isn't gonna take away the fact that I hate her, but it's hard not to wonder about the what if's, even with your own mother.
And in my mind, it shouldn't even be an issue.
Why couldn't everyone be raised right? In no way was I raised the best, but I can sit here and hope for it to happen eventually.
She had years to reconnect with me, to even make an effort. But she didn't. She reaches out to me through Spencer, and if that doesn't tell my family a whole lot, than I don't know what the fuck can.
I decided to at least leave Harry a note after getting ready, a pair of simple mom jeans and a t-shirt thrown on my body after a nice, warm shower.
I didn't wash my hair, Harry and I did that last night after... certain events. I just washed my body off, mainly getting in the shower cause I needed to be alone in there.
The thought of seeing my mother is frightening, I don't even remember the last time I saw her.
I wish I could cancel. But it's too late.
Everything's too fucking late.
This was the day I've been dreading, and I kinda feel shitty for leaving Harry out of the loop. But, this is a family matter, my mother and I. Harry's like family, but in a totally different way, and I feel like I need to prove I can do things without him.
I mean, I would probably feel better if Harry was coming with me, but I need to prove I can do this.
I need to prove that I can face my mom after all this time, let's hope she still gets to keep her title as a mother after this conversation.
If it were up to me, that title would've been out of the door since the accident. I know losing her memory wasn't her fault, but at the same time... it was.
She crashed that car, not anyone else.
She slammed on the breaks to try and keep the car from slamming into another one, not anyone else.
She caused it all, not anyone else.
And I hope that guilt and fear has stuck with her for all these years, the years she never wanted to make up with her own daughter.
Instead of building a strong relationship, she continued to get addicted to drugs and alcohol, making her own son take care of her.
Why would you ever put a child through something like that? Especially at nine and seven years old?
No wonder why I've always had trust issues.
No wonder why I let my feelings eat me alive, I never had anyone to help me bring them out and tell me it's okay to feel, not since my dad left.
That one hurt more than mom, he left.
I get why he left, I would've too. I don't blame him, I blame her.
Putting the blame on one person usually isn't fair, but it's fair when it's true.
"Going out for a bit, I'll be back. Drink some water, maybe write something while I'm gone. Last night was amazing. Love, P."
I finished writing the note, leaving it right next to him on the nightstand along with a glass of water for him.
He was still all snuggled up in the comforter, his face plumped up against the pillow I was just laid up against.
He wanted to sleep there cause it smelt like me.
I wouldn't assume this usually, but I watched his lips form into the smallest smile before returning to whatever little movie is being played in his head this morning.
I never realized how fucking happy he's made me... until I'm so far away from him.
Goddamn, what kind of lovesick puppy am I?
I grabbed the rental car keys, grabbed my wallet and made my way out of his room, being careful to not slam the door on my way out.
Walking down the stairs, I watch as Mitch was already in the kitchen, brewing coffee for I'm guessing himself and Sarah.
Fuck, I remembered I have to actually sit there and talk to her. This might be the last time for awhile, so I'm not gonna hold back.
I really don't think it should be this anxiety inducing to talk to your own mother.
I waved to Sarah and Mitch before grabbing the car keys off of the hanger and heading out of the door. I haven't been this nervous in so long, but I know this is what I need to do.
Would it be easier if she didn't remember me? Or would I feel worse, only because she wouldn't know who I am or what I'm so angry about?
I think going to talk to her has been the smart thing to decide, even if it was a hard decision.
My drive to the café was as good as it could've been, knowing what comes next. Driving is my favorite, and today, all it did was make me wanna throw up.
Driving has always made me feel free, but today, it made me feel scared. Guarded.
Why does she have this much of an affect on my life? She's been the mother a kid never wants, so why was I still treating her like she's the best one?
I'm glad I knocked some sense into my brain before I let her manipulate me even more, I don't know what's going through her mind to even put her kids through absolute shit.
I sadly arrived at the coffee place, I've never been here before even though I've lived her almost my whole life.
Grabbing my little wallet, I got closer to the entrance, and I swear I saw him. I haven't in a year or two, but god did I miss him.
What if it isn't him and I just walk up... fuck me.
I walked into the shop faster than I've walked in months, and I knew that was Niall.
I fucking missed him, the only thing that was making me hesitant was his hair... It's not blonde anymore.
I love it, actually.
My brain can't even believe that I'm seeing him right now, I don't even remember the last time I saw him. It's truly been too long.
He was always the one to be close with me in the band, he's like an older brother to me. Besides Harry, we were always the ones goofing off when we probably shouldn't have, but that made it so damn fun.
I opened the door, and the line to order was longer than I thought, but thankfully, he was the last one so I didn't have to cut anyone.
I remember the one time I cut someone in line, I was in preschool and the guy gutted me in the stomach.
Maybe that's why I have digestion issues...
Walking up to his back, I tried to be as sneaky as I could, and it definitely worked, cause I scared him shitless.
"Holy shit... Phoebe?" He asked in shock, maybe he had to say my name because I look different in some way, or maybe it's been too long since we've seen each other.
"The one and only." I said with my arms out, jazz hands all in the air.
"Oh my god!" Niall pulled me into a bear hug, he always gave the best hugs whenever I needed them.
We stayed there for a second, the line thankfully moving slowly so I don't have to go yet.
It seemed like Allison wasn't here yet either, thank god I decided to come a little early.
Seeing Niall before this would hopefully make it better, we could catch up before I have to go what I've been dreading.
"How've you been? It's been... what..." He couldn't seem to finish the sentence, but I knew exactly how long it'd been.
"Almost two years." I shook my head in disbelief, we never used to go that long without seeing each other, mainly because I toured with them for years.
"That's fucking insane! What've you been up to?"Niall asked, the line suddenly moving faster as it was his turn to order.
"Come to the booth I sit at, we can catch up." I gave him a reassuring smile, him ordering his coffee, me next in line.
He stood and waited for my coffee to come out after his, us walking to a random booth together.
"So... what's new, P?" He used the nickname everyone always did, I loved it more than I let on.
"Um... so much. Myself, Harry, and the new band all went to Jamaica for two months, it was super secretive, no one knew where we were and it felt so exhilarating." I started to rant, I always opened up to him when we toured together, he has always been easy to talk to.
"Still with Harry, huh?" He asked, raising his eyebrows and taking a sip from his hot coffee, I always used to give him shit for drinking hot coffee.
Only bad bitches drink iced coffee.
I will always stand by that.
"Yep... Is it surprising?" I asked out of my own curiosity.
"Not really, just didn't know he'd stick around this long. He's never really committed to someone, friendship wise or even more than that. I don't know if you two finally stopped horsing around and finally got to where you wanted to be, but we all were rooting you two." He started to smile, I knew this whole thing was emotional for both of us.
"Well I guess the rooting result worked out." I smiled, laughing a bit as I knew he'd get the answer he'd wanted.
"Oh, fuck yeah!" He slammed his hand on the table very loudly, everyone in the coffee shop stared, but Niall never cared about that shit.
"Niall!" I whispered.
"When did you two break the friendship act? How did-"
"Niall, calm down. It happened a week or two after we got to Jamaica. I don't know if it was the new setting or being surrounded by new people, but the bubble finally wanted to burst, and I couldn't be happier about our decision."
"So, are you guys dating?" He asked the real question I knew was killing him inside.
"No, not yet anyway. Labels don't matter much to us, but it would be nice for me to call him my boyfriend. Hell, the whole internet would go insane and that's the only part I hate." I explained, social media had always bugged me with relationships.
"I get that, social media sucks with this kinda shit, don't do it if you both don't wanna accept those kinds of things yet, you know?" Niall had the best heart, it's crazy how I just ran into him here.
"How've you been recently? Doing anything fun?" I asked in all curiosity, but I mainly wanted the attention off of me for now.
And cause Allison will be here soon.
Calling her Mom makes my stomach hurt.
"Making music finally, just getting into the groove of things on my own. It's different... going from five to four... then to none. It took a toll on me, for sure. Was Harry affected for a while, or did you not really pay attention?" I could tell Niall started to reminisce, but we always did together.
"I had to drag his ass out of the house everyday so he wouldn't sit and wald in sadness, I wouldn't let him. I mean, I let him, but not everyday. If he really needed a moment, I'd be with him or leave him be, he got to decide that part. I just... I tried to be open minded, especially cause I didn't actually go through that, you know?" I started to ramble when I definitely didn't need to. "Harry has missed the band lately, especially you."
"It's good to know that I wasn't the only one... I..."
Niall's voice slowly started to fade, my ears started to ring and I couldn't control the fidgeting in my fingers.
I forget what my own mother looked like for a second.
The way we locked eyes as soon as she walked into the coffee shop, it sent me into instant regret and panic. I didn't wanna remember her face nor her voice, god knows what'll happen when I hear that.
She sat down at a random booth, it was across the whole room from where Niall and I were.
At least she had a small amount of human decency to let me finish the conversation and say goodbye. Who knows if it was for me... or Niall, because I knew she recognized him in a split second, too.
My mom was close with all the boys, it just sort of happened.
But then she started to go crazy again, so I told her to back off and leave us alone.
At the time... and now, I don't care how rude that sounds or if I shouldn't talk to my mother that way, because she shouldn't have treated me the way she did, just so I could be able to talk to her the way I do.
If she wouldn't have been such a shitty parent, maybe I wouldn't have as many bad things to say about her as I do.
It's her own fault if anything, she shouldn't have even put me in that car to begin with, because that's what started this whole mess.
"Um... I'm sorry to cut this short, but I actually came here to talk with my mom, finally. It was lovely seeing you again." I gave him the softest smile, he knew everything between my mom and I.
"Good luck, P. Let's hang out sometime, Harry too." Niall stood up to give me a hug, his bear hugs always were my favorite.
Feeling this comfort right now was the best thing that could happen.
We said our goodbyes, sadly, and I walked over to the booth where Allison was.
I could tell my breath started to pick up, and I never thought I'd be doing this.
"Hi, Phoebe." Her voice completely knocked the wind out of me, I haven't heard it in person in so long.
"Hi..." I couldn't even bear to have her name come out of my mouth right now, I don't know why, this is harder than I thought.
I sat myself down across from where she was, it was weird to see her right in front of my eyes.
It's frightening... she looks so sick.
It's probably the drugs catching up with her... she did that to herself.
"So... How've you been?" I decided to spark up a conversation, seeing where it'd go, and it probably won't go well.
I hate that I'm going into this expecting the worst, but whenever I've expected the best, it's never been that way.
"Oh, I've been good. Just workin' on makin' this brain work properly again. I've never taken care of myself like this, I think I'm finally doing well." The smile on her face made me feel the tiniest bit of emotion, but it didn't last long.
"Just like you thought that years ago? Then fucked up again? I just love your go-to words today, Mom!" I tried to keep the sarcasm within me, but I swear, I just can't ever forgive her.
"Phoebe... I didn't come here to fight." She already rolled her eyes at me like I knew she would.
"You should've expected it at this point." I let out a snickered laugh. "All you've done is fight, just not for me... nor Spencer."
"That's not true, P-"
"Don't call me that." I almost growled, the anger boiled through my whole body, I began to scratch the little spot on my hand like I always do when I become anxious or angry.
"Sorry. That's not true, Phoebe. I've always looked out for you guys-"
"You're fucking funny!" I slammed my hands on the table, but not loud enough to cause people's heads to turn our way.
"If you'd just let me finish-"
"No, Mom! I've had enough! Did you look out for me when you shot drugs up your arm and put me in a fucking car? No! Were you looking out for me when you gave up your own kids for vile men over and over again? No! I don't wanna hear the excuses anymore, I don't wanna hear the bullshit lies you spit out." I went off, I've truly had enough and she deserves to know that.
I felt my phone buzz under my leg, I saw Harry's contact name but I decided to leave it alone.
I needed to get this all off my chest. And this will probably be the last chance I feel brave enough to do so.
"Look... I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you guys, especially you. I know I've chosen the wrong things in the past, but I've gotten better. Spencer forgave me..." There she went again with all the lies, and it hurt more because she was looking me in the eyes while spitting them out.
"Absolute bullshit! Spencer hasn't forgiven a single thing you've done, he probably went through more than I have with you recently. We were there for each other when you werent, we protected each other when we heard the "new boyfriend" screaming at you and choking you out once a week. If he ever decided he wanted to forgive you, that's on him and I'd support him every step of the way... But, if you ever think I'll forgive you anytime soon, you're wrong. So wrong." I pointed at her in the face, it's truly what she deserved.
"I get it, okay? I know I'm a horrible person and a terrible mother, but do you know how much I've been through? You never made the effort to come see me nor talk to me... You just don't care anymore. It hurts my heart." She started to ramble and manipulate like she always has, it's all lies.
"I didn't make the fucking effort because you're right... I don't care! You wanna know why I don't care? Because you never cared for me! When I was bleeding on the bathroom floor, when I was getting abused and bullied, you didn't do shit! You don't get to take any credit! Spencer and Dad do. They were there... they made an effort." I tried not to get sad, because the last thing I wanna feel around Allison is weak. "You left me... how could you? How could you... put me in that damn car, knowing damn well you weren't in the right to be driving. You fucked me up... you've fucked my relationships up. You think I'd feel bad for all the stuff I'm saying, but if I'm being honest, it feels good. It feels good to tell you how shitty you are."
Her mouth hung wide open, and I felt my cheeks start to get red, my breath picked up.
I knew I could keep seeing Harry's messages, but I didn't want to answer them.
I couldn't take this much longer, I wanted her to come here so I could tell my truth, and I definitely did.
"I hope in some universe or lifetime that you get better, cause I honestly want the best for you. Whether that be swallowing pills or working to get better.. it's your choice. Goodbye, Mom." I got up, grabbed my wallet and keys, and headed towards the front door.
"I love you, Phoebe. I always have, and always will." She whispered, but she knew I could hear her.
"I hope someday I believe that." I whispered back, heading to the door, hearing the bell ring, and walking back to my car.
And right as I got into my car, Harry started calling me.
***
I hope you're all doing well after this chapter, I'm a little down because this was honestly too relatable for me.
I love you guys endlessly, thank you for 2.6k reads, my world is so lit up because of you guys<3.
Stay happy & healthy, mwah.