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I don't bother to check them and I've been ignoring calls all day, by now it was already late at night and I was starving, freezing, and exhausted.
My eyes were dry and hurt from all the crying and my chest ached incredibly.
I sit on the cold grass under the famous tree, were me and Mark hanged out all the, also where Taylor kissed me.
I arrived here only minutes ago but I already feel like I've been in one place for too long, so I start to get up, pushing myself off the tree and lose my balance for a second before I regain it. I was too tired for my own good.
"Dan?" I hear a whisper and my head snaps up, "oh my god Dan that's you!" I hear Taylor say in relief but I'm too tired to even see his face clearly in the dark.
"We've all worried so much and.." He runs to me wrapping his arms around my waist and I immediately snuggle up in his chest, enjoying the burning feeling all around my cold body.
I can't really hear what Taylor's saying anymore because I'm slowly falling asleep still standing in his arms.
"Wait we need to call your parents! And I need to get you home, okay wait s-"
"No!" I quickly say waking up a bit, "you..you can't." I rub my eyes and push myself off Taylor, but he grabs my arms before I fall, I was way too exhausted.
"Why not?" He asks worriedly and brushes some of my hair off my eyes, I must've looked horrible right now. Scary even.
"I.. I don't want you to. Just text them that I'm okay and let me sleep over at your house, please?" I yawn and shake my head at my tiredness.
"What? But my parents are home and I need to know what's wrong you can't ju-"
I laugh and without thinking I stand on my tiptoes wrapping my arms around his neck, he talks too much. So I kiss him gently and slowly, and he kisses right back, shutting up immediately.
"Just take me home with you." I mumble and rest my head on his shoulder, sniffing.
"O-okay, I'll take us to your house and I'll let your parents know you're alright.
I simply nod and he helps me reach his car, setting me in the back buckling me up.
The next thing I know I hear faint talking and a pair of arms taking me to my bed and covering me up with a blanket, they get up and start living my room; "wait.." I barely mange to murmur.
"Mm?" The voice answers, "Tay..come her'" I whisper and fall right back to sleep, hoping he heard my request.
×××
I wake up and feel the warmth of the sun on one side of my face, with birds singing obnoxiously loud outside.
And for a moment, just a quick moment, everything feels right and I smile.
I forgot that Mark is dead.
I forgot the loneliness I constantly felt.
I forgot how sick and skinny my body is.
I forgot the rejection.
But then it all came back to me, like a huge wave. No, more like a tsunami.
My smile immediately disappears and I groan.
I get up rubbing my eyes and look around the room, noticing its empty.
So he didn't stay.
And then I remember I kissed him. Oh boy.
I swallow and try my best not to panic again. I couldn't believe that he left, even after I did that.
Oh great, now I sound like an overly attached girlfriend.
And we aren't even dating.
I run my hands over my messy hair and don't do any effort to move out of bed, I didn't feel like existing today. Or tomorrow, or any other day.
Pop.
I glance over to my phone, briefly catching a part of a message that Tanner send me before it was just added to the long list of other messages I haven't read yet.
None are from Taylor however. And that's when I see it, a small yellow note on my nightstand with small clumsy handwriting on it;
I had to leave for my classes, and I have work after it. but I'll try to text you tomorrow so we can plan on meeting.
Tay.
I glare at the paper and drop it before I throw myself back into my warm bed hiding underneath the pillows and blanket.
please let me die god. I don't care if I'll go to hell for wanting to die.
"Let me see him gee! I won't wake him up!" I hear my mum's voice whisper and my room's door opening, immediately making me stiffen.
I hear her tiptoeing in my room and she sighed, "my poor little boy.." She murmurs,Geez thanks, pity me more please, I love it.
"Come on, it's already 2 we have to go, or we'll be late." My dad comes in as well and whispers.
"Do you think it's okay to leave him like this? What if he wakes up? We won't be back home until 10 at least!" She answers in terror.
"He's a big boy, he'll eat and stuff like that and have time to calm down before we come and we can all talk!" He whispers back irritated.
There's a silent pause and then he speaks again.
"Okay fine I'll make sure we leave at 9, or at least I'll try. Happy?"Oh, so she gave him 'the look', smart women.
"Eight." She argues.
"Nine." He says.
"Seven."
"Okay eight it is."
I force myself not to moan in irritation and then I feel my mum taking the pillow off my head and she softly kisses my cheek.
I force myself not to smile at how gentle and lovingly she is and they both leave my room, making me feel empty and lonely again.
After I hear a faint noise of a closing door I know I'm alone and get out of bed, heading to the bathroom, throwing my shirt on the floor and kicking my shorts off, looking at my disgustingly skinny legs.
I shake my head and get inside the bathtub letting the warm water wash away all the pain, well not really, but I like to pretend.
I get out and dry my hair with a towel and glace at myself in the mirror, staring at my eyes.
They quickly start to water and I blink the tears away. It doesn't matter, you tried, at least you tried.
I close my eyes shut and imagine Mark next to me, holding my hand.
But I feel nothing.
I feel empty. And I hate it.
I sniff and quickly get dressed heading to the kitchen and grabbing a piece of bread for breakfast with a bottle of coke.
I go back to my room and open my closet, taking the brown box that Tanner gave me, after I came to his house the first time I forgot to take it and I had to go get it again, it had Mark's clothing.
Opening it I take out a big 'I love Canada' sweatshirt, fold it up and put it aside, I look through them a little more folding them more neatly when a picture falls out, it was of me Mark and Tanner. I remember taking it, it was one of those rare times Mark took me with his friends to hang out. I flip it over and notice it's only a copy of the actual picture since nothing was written on the back about that day, Mark loved doing that.
I put that on top of the sweatshirt and open my closet again, throwing to the floor everything that belonged to Mark, beside his black jacket, he loved that one, so I leave it.
Sitting on the floor and picking one by one, I fold them and put them in the box.
When I'm done I close it with tape and take it to our basement, putting the box into one of the dusty closets.
When I get back to my room a take a deep breath and open my night stand, there, are all Mark's belongings like his hair brush, toothbrush, bracelets, etc.
I take a empty bag and place them all inside, it takes all I've got to take the dreamcatcher necklace off and place it in its small gift box, putting it back in the nightstand. that one I keep, it was a present.
I keep searching for the next hour or so for anything that belonged to Mark, and when I'm done I close the bag and start with the albums.
Taking the framed picture of me And Mark off, and the one that was in the box, I put them both in one of the many albums I had. I put them all on top of each other and place them high on my closet.
"That's it.." I mumble to myself and look around my room, I take the bag out and throw it in the garbage. I was done.
I grab my phone checking my messages, all from my worried parents last night, two from Tanner's mums, and one from Tanner.
I open and wince at how long it is, my eyes watering with every word I read, he explains how he's sorry but he really didn't appreciate that I kissed him, also how he feels its not fair to Mark for some stupid reason and how he wants us from now on to just stay 'hi' & 'bye' friends for now.
When I finish reading it I'm already sobbing violently and feel more humiliated then ever, I hated the emotional pain.
I want to just get up and take the whole bottle of pills that there's in my bathroom but I don't move, I just sit down on the floor, shaking with sobs and let out a muffled scream every so often.
I was so alone, with Tanner gone, Mark dead, and busy Taylor all I had now was just to go back to being all alone again.
I wished Tanner and Taylor never had entered my life, at least then I'd have nothing to miss, cause I wouldn't have known any better.
But Taylor saved your life that day and cared for you ever since, and tanner made you laugh, made you happy. How could you possibly wish to forget it all?
I didn't. I just wished the pain didn't come along with it.
Another scream escapes my lips and I grab my phone again, calling the person I needed the most,
Ring, I just want to die
Ring, I'm sick of this.
Ring, I'm so alone.
Leavea message after the beep;
"It's me, uh look," I sniff trying to make my voice sound stronger, but I break and cry, "please answer, I... I can't do it anymore I want to die I'm so sick and tired of this and and.." I start sobbing even harder.
You're voicemail was send.
"I need you."
I let my phone drop from my hand and let my head fall on my shoulder, sniffing every now and then.
Eventually I fall asleep, wishing I won't wake up again.