hello before i get on with this chapter i just want to call out something about the fandom i am coming to dislike, and it's the treatment of tommy and tubbo in general versus how some people are treating the characters in this story. of course i am going to mention some sexual topics in this story, it is very common to experience and be educated about that kind of thing at their age. keep in mind that at this current point in the story and for most of the story karl and sapnap are FIFTEEN. when i was fifteen and even younger my mom kept grilling me about that kind of topic and telling me that if i ever did that sort of thing, i would be committing a sin and it'd be disgusting and all that. it's normal to know of this at fifteen. i'm sure a lot of you are that age exactly. however it is NOT okay imo to make sexual jokes involving these underage characters, or egg them on when they interact because you want to read "smut." As much as I'd like to explore the topic in a mature way and normalize it, I do not wish them to be sexualized, even in the form of "jokes." i am a legal adult and i try to read most of my comments, so when i see people talking about karl and sapnap like that on my story it is extremely disturbing for me. not only are they minors, but i based this book off extremely personal experiences, so when i look at that sometimes i feel like my early high school life is being sexualized, which is upsetting to me.
i'm sorry if my attitude on this comes across as harsh but it should be common sense to not see these 15 year old characters this way,,,, yet i still see it almost every day in my comments.
the reason why i brought up tommy and tubbo is because i wanted to point out that the fandom is doing very well (mostly) when it comes to the minor ccs, respecting boundaries and not being weird to them. so why is it okay to say things like that in reference to karlnap in this story (15) and not tommy and tubbo (17)? obviously it's not ok to do it to the minor ccs!! I just wanted to point out the hypocrisy here. Please PLEASE don't comment things like that on this story anymore, at least for as long as they are minors. i don't mind if you want to leave things like that on "hurt" or "angelfire" but this story is different. it's an innocent childhood love story! with pushback from systematic transphobia and religious conflict! it is supposed to be relatable to a younger audience, reassuring, and helpful. please respect my wishes, if people continue to disrespect me i will have no problem with blocking them. thank you to everyone who is understanding about it and genuinely i forgive anyone who apologizes and doesn't continue the behavior.
anyways "enjoy" this next chapter. i say "enjoy" because it does tug at the heartstrings quite a bit
cw for: crying and stuff, suicidal mention (not proven), sad
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Karl could be a light sleeper sometimes. He could be fast asleep and then the slightest bump in the night would cause him to stir and lift his head. Unfortunately, this was one of those nights, which wasn't that surprising, because it felt like every time he slept in an unfamiliar place he went on to have problems staying asleep for a long time. He had to admit though, one of the most eerie feelings in the world was waking up in the middle of the night and just looking at all of the sleeping bodies around him in the treehouse. He pressed his lips together, trying to carefully reach for his phone in his pocket without disturbing Sapnap. When he pulled it up to his face though, he had the pleasure of realizing that it was dead. He sighed softly, putting it back and closing his eyes. If he couldn't pass the time mindlessly scrolling on his phone until he inevitably passed out again, he'd just have to do that without the scrolling.
Karl ended up laying like that for a very long time, trying to focus on the warmth in his arms when he pulled Sapnap close and the soft melodies playing in his head. What he didn't expect, though, was to hear something else come out of the dead silence of the room.
Someone was shuffling kind of noisily, and there was labored breathing like they had woken themself up from being unable to breathe. Karl decided to pay it no mind, because they were probably just going through the same thing he was right now and didn't need his concern. But when he heard muffled coughing and sobs, he finally opened his eyes, and tried to carefully lift his head to see what was happening.
Wilbur was sat up on his mattress, a pillow pressed into his face. Even though it seemed like he was trying to contain himself, he was still visibly shaking. He sounded like he was losing his mind, but at the same time was trying to keep it on the down-low. Karl closed his eyes again, feeling like he might just be intruding on something, but it went on for so long that he knew he couldn't just do nothing.
He slowly pulled himself from Sapnap, grimacing as he looked at his face, and he made sure he wasn't about to wake up from the loss of Karl's body next to him. He covered him up with blankets as he sat up, and then he looked over to Wilbur nervously in the dark. He flinched, realizing that the other boy was looking directly at him now, and his sobs were put on hold. He could tell it was hard for him to hold it in, because he could hear the wheezing in his breath and see the glistening of tears on his cheeks. Something was wrong. Very wrong.
"What are you doing, Karl?" Wilbur asked, his voice broken. Karl frowned, trying to crawl forward a little bit to get closer to him.
"I couldn't sleep and then I heard you. Are you okay?"
"How much of that did you hear?" Wilbur seemed pained.
"Like... all of it." Karl said truthfully. He hated lying to anyone, even if they were upset and probably wanted to hear something else.
Wilbur let out a frustrated groan, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry, Karl. I'm sorry..." He hiccuped before trying to cover his face, shaking his head.
Karl genuinely didn't know what to do. He scooted a little closer, wishing to comfort his friend. When Wilbur looked back at him, he could practically see the redness of his face in the moonlight.
"I'm okay, Karl."
Karl couldn't believe him. His mouth wobbled, feeling like he might just cry as well. He didn't like seeing anyone in pain, but it was a lot harder for him to see his friends like that. They deserved everything. And the worst part was, he literally had no idea what was wrong. Wilbur didn't open up very much about the things that made him sad. It was possible that they'd never know and they'd just have to sit and bear witness to his suffering.
Or maybe it was just a fluke. Maybe Wilbur had a terrible nightmare and he was just crying from whatever he saw in it. Maybe he was just so stressed that he needed to let it out before he bottled it up and it became a much bigger problem than it was before.
That was exactly why it was so hard, because Karl didn't think he would ever know. He just sighed, finally backing off and staring at the carpet floor under his feet.
"Alright," It was difficult to pry himself away, considering that providing comfort to others was something he took great pride and self-worth in, but he knew that it would be better in the end to leave Wilbur alone if that was what he wanted.
Wilbur seemed to be surprised by this, though. When Karl took a stray glance at him he noticed his dark eyes were rounder than before.
"Actually, Karl..." He started, but clamped his mouth shut like he was going to regret it. Karl looked at him warily, hoping that he couldn't do anything to scare him away from this situation. If Wilbur wanted to open up, he was going to be all ears.
Wilbur sighed shakily. "I'm not okay." He admitted, and the silence in the room between them could be cut with a knife. "I haven't been okay for a long time."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Karl breathed, hoping that his shock wasn't mistaken for ignorance.
Wilbur just shook his head. "I didn't want to be a burden on anyone." He pressed his lips together, hiccuping like he was going to burst into tears all over again. "I still feel so selfish just for saying this to you."
"You're not selfish at all," Karl reassured, moving closer once again. "I'm actually really proud of you."
"Really?" Wilbur looked at him, tentative and eyes so sad. "That I lied to you all this whole time?"
"Sometimes you have to lie for your own safety," Karl thought about his relationship with his mom, and how many lies he had to spew at her in the past just so that she wouldn't flip out on him. "I don't hold that against you at all, and I'm sure no one else does."
"Thanks Karl," Wilbur muttered, before breaking into a coughing frenzy once again. He covered it with the crook of his arm, then immediately searched through a small bag he had next to his bed.
"The truth is, I've been suffering for a long time." Wilbur admitted, taking out a small object from the bag and shaking it for a moment before he used it, inhaling rapidly. Karl couldn't tell what it was at first based on looks because it was dark but he quickly realized that it was an inhaler. He had never seen Wilbur use it before or even mention needing one, so he was surprised.
Wilbur gave him a look that was almost bittersweet after he put it down, and after a few stray coughs, he seemed to be breathing okay again. "When I lived in London, the air quality was so bad that it gave me permanent asthma." He raised his eyebrows like he was gauging a reaction from that, but he continued quickly, "It's a physical reminder of my past. I went through so much shit before I was adopted. Even when I was adopted I was still in that stupid fucking city, getting my lungs torn to shreds. Every day I breathe is a constant reminder of how I used to breathe there, that I'm still alive." He pressed his lips together, fiddling anxiously with his fingers. "It's really hard to explain to other people. I always felt I'd be called silly for being so torn up about this. But it genuinely hurts me so bad."
Karl was a little speechless. He loved to be the person that anyone could come to and vent about their problems, but most times he didn't have a clue on what to say back to them. He was awkward, and didn't know exactly what they wanted to hear, so he didn't want to mess up and end up saying the wrong thing. "It's not silly, Wilbur." He reassured, that being the best of the words that were swimming aimlessly in his head. "It makes total sense."
Wilbur sighed in relief, sinking back into the pillow he had up against the wall. "You don't know how many times I've played scenarios in my head where I've told you guys how I've been feeling and you all just made fun of me and laughed."
"None of us would ever do that," Karl frowned. "We love and care about you."
"I know that, rationally." Wilbur nodded carefully. "But there's always this voice in my head that's telling me you just have me for company, for empty space. That you don't really care for me, but just my presence, you know?"
"That's just not true at all," Karl sighed, feeling bad. He wondered if there was anything he could've done to prevent him from feeling this way, but then reminded himself that anxiety didn't really care how much other people showed their gratitude. It was deceiving and tricky, and wove around the obvious to make it look like a facade. He knew that feeling very well. It orbited around his mind on the daily.
"That's just what my mind tells me." Wilbur said simply. "I know it's only because of my trauma. It has nothing to do with any of you or my family personally."
"Is there anything I... or we... can do to help you?" Karl asked, looking him in the eyes. Wilbur stiffened up a little, like he wasn't expecting such a question.
"You already do so much," Wilbur broke a sad smile, "but maybe some extra assurance would be nice. You know, that I'm not alone. Because feeling alone is what gets me the worst. It makes me feel like no one really cares about me, and that people wouldn't miss me if I left."
Karl winced, unable to picture that. Was Wilbur suicidal? He hoped that wasn't a rude thought, he was just very worried. Even though his friend was opening up, he wasn't explaining his problems in detail, he was just seeking support. It was totally valid, and Wilbur didn't have to reveal that to him if he didn't want to, but Karl couldn't help but feel concerned and wonder about it.
"Of course, Wilbur." He said quietly. "A lot of people, including me, love you so much, and we need you here. You may not be okay now, but you're going to be. Things are going to get better."
Although Wilbur didn't seem completely swayed by his words, he still smiled lightly, which told Karl all that he needed to hear. "Thanks," He picked at something on his pants for a moment, lips pursued. "Can you promise not to tell anyone before I do?"
"Yeah, always." Karl promised. "Whenever you're ready."
Wilbur sighed in relief again, and laid himself down, cozying himself in the blankets once again. The last Karl saw from his eyes was an affectionate sparkle in the dark. "Alright, I'm not gonna let an asthma attack ruin my sleep. Goodnight, Karl."
"Goodnight," Karl murmured back, just taking in the fact that he was sitting alone in the middle of the room for a second before he crawled back to where Sapnap was sleeping. He cringed slightly, just because he was unsure of how he could get himself back into the bundle of blankets without waking his boyfriend up. He did so very slowly and carefully, and although he was tempted, he didn't push himself close to Sapnap's body or touch him all that much. He just included himself in the swath of blankets, letting it envelop them both even if they weren't embracing tightly. He looked at his sleeping face, and a grin crawled across his lips. He was so madly in love with him. He wanted to treasure every moment they spent together, especially since this was probably the only type of sleepover they could ever have for years.
He didn't mind. This was heaven nonetheless.
Karl slept much better for the rest of the night, but the memories of what Wilbur told him still floated in his mind. Although it would be difficult to hold this information from others, he would never break his word.
That was the only thing that could lead Wilbur on the path of healing, and Karl didn't want to ruin that in any way.