When I had fallen asleep, I'd had the longest and deepest sleep I'd had in a very long time, without restless dreaming. I woke up feeling rested, something that I hadn't felt since forever. I had energy to do things, the desire to do things. It had become a rare thing ever since her passing.
I had taken Benjamin to Mamma Giulia and Papà Matteo, bid them a farewell and promised to visit soon. Rafaelle had given me a hug, I had purposefully searched for Vincenzo, not wanting to leave on bad terms. He hadn't given me much attention, but I could see in his eyes that it did something to him.
With a promise to visit them all soon, we packed our stuff, cleaned up the lake house and started the long journey back in our car, feeling as if it was the right time to go home. With great reluctance from Benjamin, though he did not struggle against.
The windows were rolled down, the breeze making Benjamin's brown hair fly up. He moved his hand through the wind, trying to catch it. I turned the radio on, the Italian singing soothing our ears; for this was our second home.
I wanted to drive through, with no stops in between, but once we reached Calais, the boat had already gone. We searched for a hotel, but since it was in the middle of the night, not many answered their phones.
Parking the car on the now empty parking lot near the boat, I reached for Benjamin's seat, slowly pushed it down and covered him with my jacket, as he had already fallen asleep. When I had turned my handle and pushed the seat down, I locked the car, pulled up the sunshades and took off our seatbelts.
A low grunt. The door handle being pulled back and forth, rapidly. I opened my eyes, blinked them a few times to let them get used to the bright light.
"Did you lock the car? Did we sleep here?" Benjamin couldn't sit still, squirmed almost. "Can you open it? I need to pee really bad, have been needing to since a very long time."
"Why didn't you just open the window?" Yes, old fashioned car. The window needed to be opened by hand, still.
"No way. There's all creepy people here."
I searched for the keys and clicked the car open. "Go on, then."
Benjamin swallowed, his gaze lingering upon the people walking by, then towards the bushes, which was an unpleasant distance away. "I think I'm good."
I chuckled. "Come on." When arrived, I turned around, guarding him.
"Mamma would be fuming, wouldn't she be?"
"Gentlemen don't pee the bushes, like animals would do." I hummed, taking his hand in mine after he had, most likely, unconsciously, slipped it in mine after he was done. We started walking back, I felt his gaze on my face.
"Papà?"
"Sì?"
He swallowed. Seemed nervous. "Then what happens at home now?"
"What do you mean?"
"I feel strange."
"What kind of strange?" I looked down at him, felt how he squeezed my hand tighter.
"Don't know." He squinted his eyes, looked down at our feet.
I walked up to the building with him, where I could, hopefully, reserve a spot for our car on the boat for the final way back. "Well, I think it would be good to put our focus on how we can go further now some things have come to light."
"I don't want a toilet alarm clock. Or some nappy."
"I didn't suggest that." I pulled his earlobe. "Don't stress it too much, alright?" I observed him, felt that it wasn't exactly that what he had meant to say. "What else, Cowboy?" I fished my wallet out of my pocket, walking up to the counter.
When we had gained our spot for the ride back on the boat, I bought us some breakfast and water. With his cheeks stuffed full of croissants, he mumbled out; "With Salomé and stuff."
"What about it?"
"Then, what happens at home? Will she come to live with us?"
"Why would you suggest that?"
A painful expression appeared on his face. "Well, you kissed her, right?"
"We're not getting married."
"But you do love her?" His voice trembled.
I stood still, pulled his earlobe again. "I don't know, Campione. We'll figure everything out, alright?"
Benjamin didn't answer to that.
"What we will do is have a good chat with each other about everything, yes? You should tell her the truth about your name and your responses to her letters."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes."
"I'll try, Papà."
Once back in the car, we finished our breakfast, listened to the French people talking on the radio and started the car when we got a sign that the boat was arriving. Soon after, the car was parked and we were requested to leave the vehicles and find a place on deck to spend the one and half hour on the boat.
Benjamin sat in front of the window, stared at the deep sea. I stared at him, wondered what was going through his mind. I glanced at my watch. Just a few hours, and the lawsuit would start. I suppressed a sigh, wondered how she was going to do it on her own. My knee bounced up and down, I felt nervous without a proper explanation.
Glancing at Benjamin, I could sense his nerves too. I let out a breath, feeling strange, too.
It had been good, spending some time in Italy. Things had come to senses, thoughts were spoken, but Benjamin was right; then what does happen at home? The memories would come back, he would hear the clicks and vibrating, he would see Aurora's body, after her soul had left her. He would see the rocking chair.
And I had yet to read the last letters.
"Papà, can we go to the game hall?" Benjamin fiddled with his fingers, his eyes questionable.
I shrugged. "Sure."
We walked in silence, searched for the room. Once we heard game noises, screaming boys and saw neon lights, we knew we were on the right path. I awkwardly swayed through the young boys towards the last, free game, motioning for Benji to sit down.
Once he took his seat in an imitated racing car, hands on the wheel, he looked up at me with a frown. "Well, sit down."
"I don't have to race. There's plenty of kids here."
"Why not?" The tone in his voice tugged at a heart string, so after taking a quick look around and smiling sheepishly at some mothers standing near the entrance, I plopped down and reached for my wallet, flipping out some coins. I handed him some, to which he put them in the machine.
Moments later, the screen started talking to us, letting us choose a car. Benjamin laughed when he saw mine, I asked him why, but he wouldn't answer. When the screen was counting down, he laughed harder. "That's possibly one of the slowest cars out there. I'm going to win, dude."
"Okay, dude." I answered, pressing my foot onto the gas pedal, driving incredibly neat for some reasons. "Aha! Look who's talking now."
Benjamin's laughter almost sounded like giggles, those innocent joyful sounds of a kid having fun. I smiled at that. "Papà, you're looking at the wrong screen! That's me! You've only been driving against the walls."
"What?" I hit the brakes, the car on the screen I'd been looking at continued to drive. The car on the lower screen had been faded out into a big, cloud of smoke. "Kidding me." I mumbled out, drastically turning the wheel and getting back on track. "Haha! Watch me drive past you."
Benjamin's eyes flew over the screen in concentration, he sat on the tip of the stool, smoothly and swiftly steering. "Who's got his driver's license here?"
"I just drove past you!" I exclaimed, gassing more.
"I'm in lap two, Papà. You're still on the first round."
I cursed in Italian.
"I'm almost at the finish!" Benjamin screamed, catching up with me. "Almost, almost!"
"This game is lagging."
"No, your brain is."
I whistled at his words in displeasure. Then, the screen started counting down and before we knew it, the game had ended. "Hey!" I frowned, raising my hands in despondency. "That's not fair, we hadn't had a winner yet."
Benjamin gave me a look.
"Well, not officially."
"Cannot handle your loss, Papà?"
"The game ended before one of us got to the finish. And that's what you pay two pounds for? Rip-offs." I grunted, trying to look for more pounds, the screen begging us to finish the race after we'd have put more money in the machine. "It'd have been fair if they just gave us a match for that money."
"Who didn't want to race at first?" Benjamin mocked, to which I tickled his side. He squirmed away. "It's okay, Papà. I don't want to race anymore."
"Why, afraid I will catch up with your car and win anyway?"
"You know that's impossible." Benjamin tested me, smiling mischiefly.
I pulled his earlobe. "Well, I've got some pounds left. What are we waiting for?"
"No." Benjamin stood up, walked towards the entrance. "I want to watch the sea." I jogged over to him, sensing heavy loaded emotions. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, forced a smile at the mothers who'd just whispered men are just tall children with more hair growth.
"How long will it take?" Benjamin sat back down, resting his cheek against the glass. "I just want to sleep in my own bed."
"Few hours more."
He crossed his arms over his stomach, pulled up his knees and remained silent for the rest of the boat trip and the hours in the car.
"Take your bag and suitcase upstairs for me, okay?" Clumsily stepping inside, I stood still when I heard his suitcase hitting the wood that was the porch. "Benji?"
"I'm staying here."
Dropping my stuff in the hallway, I stepped back outside, seeing him seated onto one of the rocking chairs that stood upon the porch. "Benji.." I suppressed my sigh.
He rocked back and forth, his arms, again, crossed over his stomach. I decided to let it be for now and brought my suitcase up to my room. The clean clothes went straight back into my wardrobe, the other messy pile, which I had stuffed in a plastic bag, went into the laundry basket.
I sat down onto my bed with a sigh. Stared at her spot. Brushed my fingers over the side where she lay on.
"So, who will you marry after I'm one with the soil?"
"Are you kidding me?" I was indignant.
"No, Amore. Of course not." Aurora rolled onto her side. Her black hair was long, silky soft. Falling over her arm and face. She wiped it off, lingered her eyes on my face. "Come on, name some pretty women."
"Are you kidding me?" I repeated.
"No, Amore. I'm not." Aurora smiled, reached for my hand. "Just face it, you will meet plenty of new people, women to be specific. You're still young. You don't want to sit down, waiting and sulking until your life is over, right?"
"I don't want to talk about this."
"But I do." Her voice was soft, serious. "Amore. You're young. Handsome. Someone will fall in love with you. Will you give her a chance?"
"Stop, Aurora." I frowned at her, tears pricking behind my eyes. "I will never love someone else. Can you please stop saying such things?"
"Zev.. face reality. Someone will fall in love with you. Benjamin will need a mother figure. And I wish it upon you. My heart would ache knowing you will be alone with Benji for the rest of your life. And I'm serious about that."
I hadn't answered.
"Will you give her a chance? Please?"
Letting myself fall back onto the bed, I stared at the ceiling, recalling that moment. I'd hated it. Every minute of it. Except for the fact that she'd been alive and sort of well. The lawsuit appeared in my mind. My stomach gave off many different signals. My breathing started to pick up. My hands began to shake.
I sat up, turned my head to look at her empty pillow. My legs began to shake too. I closed my eyes, focused on my breathing. I calmed down. The lawsuit made its way into my mind again, and my body went back to shaking and trembling.
"Will you give her a chance?"
"Heck, no." I mourned, tugging at the sheets. "No, no. I won't, Aurora, I will never." I tried to convince myself. My stomach starting to hurt worse, my shaking became worse. "No, please." I moaned, slumping down, covering my face with my hands.
The guilt crept back in- all the feelings I had suppressed in Italy came right back. I wondered why- it had done me so good to go to her country, why did everything come back harsher and ruder than before.
I only wanted the good, but the bad came out of me.
With that thought in mind, I knew I could make a change. After a quick shower and fresh clothes, I stumped my way downstairs, realising Benjamin was still seated outside. "Cowboy?"
Benjamin didn't react, talked to Casey the cat instead.
"Gloria is your friend, isn't she?"
He looked up at that.
"I think she could really use your support today."
"What's that mean?" Benjamin glanced at me, a little skeptical.
"She might or might not leave the country today.."
Benjamin stood up, slipped his shoes back on and tiredly shuffled his way over to the car. "Well, what are we waiting for, Papà."
I jumped into the car and drove off. With a heart heavy loaded with nerves, confusion, guilt, but determination.
The building was high, blocking out the sun and if you stared for too long, feeling as if it was hovering all over you as the clouds passed by slowly. I stood still for a while, swallowed, reconsidered.
"Papà, I think I see Nolan and all.." Benjamin hesitated, his eyes flickering between the group of his peers and me. "I think my class.."
"You can go." I answered softly, placing my hand on his back to push him forward. "They will support her too."
"I don't know.." He reached for my hand, quickly let go when he realised it but clung to my side.
"Hey, you're a brave cowboy. Come on, it should go fine."
"Are you okay on your own?"
"Yeah, don't worry about me." I pulled his earlobe. After a deep breath, he walked over to his peers, hesitantly taking part of the group. The moment I saw Nolan giving him a hug, I knew things would be okay.
I made eye contact with his teacher, recalling the last phone call we'd had. I hoped she would reconsider things, too.
Straightening my turtle neck, I stepped inside the building, searching for the details I had buried somewhere deep in my brain, but finding the right room eventually. Teddy saw me, it was as if he felt my presence. Within a few seconds, he stood at my side. "Son."
"Papà." I gave him a nod.
"You came." His voice was full of relief, admiration, to some point.
"I did."
"We've been preparing for a while now. Do you want to help testify? You were there with the conversations between Davu and Salomé. Actually, she was going to testify on her own, but there are a lot of things.." Teddy trailed off. Sighed deeply. "How are you feeling?"
"I need to find Salomé, so we can go over the last few things before the sitting starts."
"That's my son. That's how I know you." He pulled my earlobe, pointed a certain direction. I walked off, leaving Teddy behind.
The hallways were long. Quiet. Smelled like dust and carpeting. I kept walking, my stomach protesting during my steps. I stood still when I heard certain voices. When I glanced through the open door, I could see Salomé. Crouched down, holding Gloria's hands. A red sewed heart peeked out of Gloria's pocket. I felt Aurora near me. Melancholy hit me. She'd been everywhere.
Salomé stood up. She wore a long, calm floral dress. The dress complimenting her figure. I watched her for a while. Her encouraging smile and soft laughter engulfing me like a warm embrace. One I'd missed for a very long time.
Guilt pulled me away, other feelings pulled me back into the room.
My heart ached. The doorstep cut through the feeling of her presence near me. And then, as if she had felt it still, through it all, she looked sideways. Our eyes meeting.
•
Zev and Benji are back home..
Do you think the trip to Italy helped them in some ways, or was it only a distraction for Zev's feelings?
What about his conversation with Aurora?
Seeing Salomé? Would she be upset with him? Will he help her? Let me know in the comments.. x
This book is almost at its end