( track 15: )
❝ this is war ❞
ben kweller
0:00 •—————— 2:26
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nora's point of view
my family and i just got home from church and it was odd not seeing rodrick and his younger brother in there like they usually do. it made me wonder: did they get in trouble? did they oversleep? were they grounded?
susan and frank heffley were there though, with their youngest child manny. i thought about asking them about rodrick during communion, but i didn't anyway since i didn't want to sound desperate.
i removed the itchy sunday dress off of my body then slipped on a green shirt, a brown jacket, and some plain jeans, planning to leave the house again.
my grandmother called me last night and asked if i could visit her in the retirement home, which of course i said yes. she and i would hang out by teaching me how to do crochet, sometimes even playing bingo.
i wore my bag on my shoulder then ran downstairs, seeing my mom talking to her friends.
"i'm going out." i sighed, not even caring if she could hear me or not. as i was about to reach the door handle, my mom cleared her throat.
"and where are you going?" she asks.
"grandma. retirement home." i unlocked the front door then fled as fast as i could, feeling excited to see my grandma again.
the only thing i like about weekends is because i get to do whatever the hell i want (well, almost). also because my therapy sessions are usually on weekends. i only had to see her on the weekday the other time because noelle realized that i haven't been visiting kelly for almost a month.
at that time, i was almost confident about the thought that i might be better off without a therapist since i've started to feel better on my own—until i realized my moods were starting to fluctuate again that it bugs my everyday life.
after minutes of walking, i hopped into a bus then sat on an empty seat near a window. i took out my phone then pressed kelly's number in my contacts.
"hello kelly? are you available this afternoon?" i asked.
"hazel, is this you?"
"yes kelly," i replied, scooting closer to the window as i let woman sit beside me. "it's hazel. i'm currently in a bus. i was planning to visit there again since i've got some things to say."
"of course darling! my office is always open for you." kelly gleamed, making me feel delighted.
"thank you kelly, i'll be there at around 4 p.m. my grandma called me the other day so i had to visit her today, i'll see you later."
"stay safe out there! i'm just gonna go and get some coffee. bye!" she dropped the call.
while staring at the window, i pulled out my earphones from my pocket then plugged it into my phone, leaving my playlist on shuffle.
⟩⟩⟩
"oh nora, it's so nice to see you again." grandma stood up from her chair as i approached to her table, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
"hi grandma," i sighed as the two of us pulled out our chairs. my grandmother always liked calling me nora ever since i was a child, that's kind of why my relatives and i sticked with the name.
"my oh my, is it just me or you are getting prettier every time you visit me?" she touches my nose and smiles.
i let out a laugh at her response. "grandma, you and i just haven't seen each other since last month."
"look at you looking all grown up. did you do your makeup on your own? it suits you." grandmother grinned as she started to stroke my hair. "you know you're really starting to look like me when i was younger. are you in a relationship yet? maybe crushing on someone?come on you can tell me anything, i won't tell anything to your mother."
"what is it with people asking me if i'm in a relationship?" i muttered to myself then sighed. "no grandma, i don't like anyone."
"hmm? are you sure?"
i rolled my eyes. "yes grandma, i don't like anyone."
"alright alright i know, you're more of a study first kind of girl." she chuckled. "oh wait i forgot my stuff in my room, will it be alright with you dear if you just wait for me for an hour? i have to find my knitting equipments in my room. you can look around while you wait." grandma stood up slowly, making me stand up to assist her but denied my offer. "don't worry nora, i am okay. i'm still strong." she chuckles then walked away slowly, almost as slow as a turtle really.
"what the hell am i going to do here?" i sighed. all i see were old people, it makes me feel like i'm the only kid here in this place.
maybe grandma would need my help? i don't think i can stay down here for too long. besides, i've visited her room once. i'm pretty sure i can still find her room up there.
i turned around to see a blonde girl who seemed to be around the age of 13, greeting her grandfather. thank god i'm not the only youngest person in this place.
wearing the sleeve of my bag, i walked towards the elevator then pressed the upper button. oh man, i hope grandma doesn't do anything clumsy up there. i think her room was number 117 on the 2nd floor—wait no, is it 117? or 111? i can't tell since the number 1 and 7 in this place looks similar.
i'm afraid i'm just gonna have to find out.
as the elevator started to open, i stood back giving them space to exit, nearly hitting the older women.
"i–sorry women!" i blurted out. god, i hope i didn't ruin their day. i've already disappointed my other grandma for stepping her foot by accident and she's still bitter about it until today.
while my eyes were glued on to the ladies who just walked past me, i stepped towards the elevator's entrance without thinking then turned to see...
"hazel?" rodrick's eyes widened as he and i stepped away from the elevator door.
"what the fuck are you doing in here?" i muttered, causing rodrick to chuckle. "don't tell me you're stalking on me again you creep."
"what are you talking about? i should be the one asking you that." rodrick bit his lip as he looked the other way. "let's talk right after i give this "journal" to someone."
as he was about to approach the blonde-haired kid, i heard heavy footsteps coming behind me. a boy wearing socks and underwear appeared panting and sweating.
wait—that cannot be his brother greg.
am i having a fever dream or something? i thought to myself, watching the boy grab the book rodrick was holding whilst carrying a plant that's inches taller than him then ran outside.
rodrick laughed. "comedy gold!" he turned around to see a camera on the corner of the room. "come on, follow me."
"rodrick wha–" before i could even finish my sentence, rodrick grabbed me by the wrist as we rushed to the elevator before it closed. "where are you taking me? why is your brother half-naked? rodrick, what is going on? wha–why are you even here?"
"it's a long story." he responded, pressing the button going to the 2nd floor.
"well then make it short!" i groaned.
"excuse me children," a random old lady cleared her throat, not even noticing that she was behind us. "i don't think it's a good idea for couples to argue in a retirement home." she walked towards the front as we got to the first floor.
"we're not dating!" i retorted as she left the elevator. "rodrick, what is going on?"
"nothing's going on, what are you talking about?" rodrick laughed. from the way he spoke, i could tell he was lying. "quick, we gotta get to my grandpa's room. this is going to be so hilarious!"
"excuse me, we?" i repeated as the elevator door slid open. rodrick started to run left, making me follow him. i know nothing about this place and if i stop following him, i'd get lost.
after minutes of running around, we eventually got into his grandfather's room. rodrick went straight to the small television then vigorously started to press the record button, ignoring the old man sleeping on the couch behind him.
i looked around the place as i walked towards the small television then noticed greg running the other way.
"why is your grandpa casually watching people outside? isn't that invasion of privacy?" i questioned, crossing my arms.
"i don't know either." rodrick shrugged his arms as he stood up. "he said that it's better watching people live their normal lives than watching other tv shows."
"guess i now know where you inherited the idea of stalking someone." i joked, causing rodrick to glare at me. "kidding."
"greg's going to flip when he sees himself looking like this." he smirked as he plopped himself on the other couch.
"i thought you guys made up?"
rodrick rolled his eyes and sighed. "yeah, well there were change of plans."
"right." i shook my head as i sat next to him. "i could tell just by the way you talk." rodrick's grin turned into a frown, his eyes starting to look glossy as he fidgeted his hands. "okay maybe now's not the time for you to talk about it...and i may act all bitchy around you at times but, that doesn't really mean i don't care about you."
"what are you trying to say?" rodrick rose an eyebrow. "i'm totally fine!"
"well, you're clearly going through something. i'm just saying that you can open up to me." i sighed, scooting farther from him. "sure i come off as rude to you sometimes, but i still have this tiny bit of care for you. actually, to almost everyone. i'm not sure if it's because i have unresolved issues that makes me develop this ability, but i tend to know whenever someone is disappointed or not."
rodrick just laughed as he finished recording on his grandfather's television, taking out the big vhs tape as his brother came in panting.
"hey greg, what's new?" rodrick kissed the vhs tape, making greg look furious as hell.
"okay i see that both of you are having conflicts at the moment." i started to laugh in realization. "this is hilarious, why am i here? i'm supposed to be downstairs with my grandma teaching me how to knit but instead, i am here acting like a therapist over two boys acting like cats and dogs. that's it, i'm out of here. later suckers!" i rushed myself out of the room.
rodrick stood up then ran after me. "haz, wait!"
as i was about to walk towards the elevator, i noticed my grandma holding her small bag with a smile on her face.
"oh honey, i didn't know you brought a friend with you!" she gleamed. i turned to rodrick and saw him wave at her.
⟩⟩⟩
the three of us sat back down to our tables as we got our knitting equipments ready. rodrick just sat beside me in silent since grandma invited him to hang out with us.
"i've never really seen you before, how did you and my granddaughter meet?" grandma asked as she started to knit. "she never told me about having a guy friend before."
"oh we've known each other since 7th grade." rodrick slouched on his seat. "my mom knows her mom so we see each other from time to time."
"gran, this is rodrick." i gestured at him. "he's one of the people from my school." grandma's eyes widened.
"heffley?" she asked, taking a bite of her croissant. "ah, so you must be susan's eldest, correct? i've been hearing your grandfather rambling about you and your brother the other day. he lives near me so i tend to listen to whatever he says when i hear him. he's pretty loud when he's alone." grandma mumbled. "that aside, what brings you here rodrick?"
"um...family issues, i guess." rodrick shrugged as he looked down. "i mean–my mom brought us here to visit him." he forced a smile.
i wonder what's going on with his mind, i've never seen rodrick looking like he's about to break at any second...or maybe i'm only assuming things too much and he's just having an allergic reaction.
"well it was nice meeting you rodrick heffley." my grandmother smiled to him as she gently held my hand. "you know nora, i think your guy friend here is perfect for you. i wouldn't be surprised if you and him ended up getting together in the near future." she started to giggle.
"grandma i swear to god, i don't like him or anyone else at all." i facepalmed.
"of course you do." she winked, rolling my eyes. i doubt that rodrick and i would ever be together as a couple. like, no thank you! i'd rather read the whole my immortal fanfiction forever as punishment than thinking about that guy.
the whole lovey dovey thing aside, i'm still concerned about rodrick. it's odd for me to see him frown and almost teary-eyed, i wonder what happened to him.
"grandma will you excuse us for a moment?" i grabbed rodrick's shoulder as the both of us stood up and left the table.
"let me guess, you're going to tell me to stay away from your grandma because she thinks you like me." he started to chuckle. "like, i get it already you don't have to pretend anymore. i know you're into me, you're just trying to show that you're not by acting so cold at me. you aren't slick."
"oh shut up ramirez heffley, i didn't bring you here to chit chat about your stupid shenanigans about me." i pulled him to the corner near the mirror. "the reason why i brought you here is because i'm concerned about you as your so-called friend."
rodrick started to laugh. "are you sure about that?"
"i'm not done yet." i rolled my eyes and groaned. "okay, i've noticed that you've been acting really off these past few minutes. when i saw you yesterday, you were more giddy and hyper. now, you just look down in the dumps."
he shook his head. "hazel–"
"let me finish, jesus christ." i shushed him. "look, i may be so annoyed just by your presence, but i want to know what is bothering you so much. i want to help."
he sighed and looked down. "haz, i just–" rodrick scratched his head. "there's just a lot of things going on with my head at the moment, i don't think i can describe them into words right now. i promise, i do want to open up about this."
"i mean, i totally understand and respect that." i stepped back. "i just don't want you to end up being really uhh...miserable, for something or whatever. but, please open up to me whenever you have a problem. i might be able to help you in some way." i pat rodrick's back.
"you're not flirting, right?"
"is a genuine act of friendship considered flirting to you?"
"oh so we're friends now?" rodrick smirked as he started to walk back on our seat.
"fine whatever, i'm officially your friend. will that make you shut up about your assumption towards me into thinking that i actually like you?" i questioned as i followed rodrick's footsteps.
"maybe." he teased then sat back on our chairs with my grandma. "so grandma lee, what does hazel like to do in her free time?"
"yeah don't answer that gran." i added. grandma just laughed at the both of us as she continued knitting on a red yarn.
⟩⟩⟩
"it's great to see you here again, nora." kelly sipped on her cup of coffee then sat on her desk.
"yeah uh...i'm very sorry about not attending to our sessions lately." i shrugged. "i thought i was getting better until well, i went back to square one."
"oh of course i understand that. it's great that you're starting to take care of yourself a bit better!" she then pulled her seat closer. "okay, so is there anything i can help you today? something going on in your mind lately? how was your week so far?"
i sighed. "i uh well, i guess fast?" i chuckled nervously. "time either feels fast or slow lately, i sometimes think it's still wednesday or something."
"mhm, and have you accomplished some thing this week? did something different, maybe?" kelly asked.
"our band practices were going well and we couldn't wait to perform on the talent show this saturday, to name a few." i chuckled at the thought. "and you know, i've been feeling oddly pretty for the past couple of days—not to sound selfish or anything. the thing you said about turning my jokes into positivity was actually quite helpful, it kind of worked on me."
"that's great!"
"but..." i followed up. "there's this disturbing feeling that's been bugging me since last night."
"okay i'm listening," kelly scooted closer.
"so like i said, i am starting to believe that i am pretty but i suddenly just started to hate the way i am built again y'know?" i started to laugh but kelly stayed silent, making me shift on my seat. of course, she knows that i associate my pain with jokes. "i mean, actually, it's not that i hate hate my body. it's just that...i suddenly hate that i have boobs."
"oh...uhm, boobs?" kelly cleared her throat which i nodded in response. "why do you think so?"
"i–i'm honestly kind of not so sure either." i held my breasts for a few seconds then realized that i shouldn't be doing it in front of someone. "well actually i do know why i kind of feel this way, but i just don't get why i had this heavy feeling inside of me. i hope you get what i'm saying."
"why do you suddenly hate them?"
"i feel gross seeing them. especially even knowing that i have them, it suddenly just doesn't sit right with me." i cringed at the thought. "they're not even that big and i have no problem with other people having boobs but—god i really wish i could rip these off of me if it was only possible."
"did you also experience feeling like you're not yourself? as in, you see yourself that you could be a boy instead or something?" she asked.
"oh no, i'm kind of alright with my gender identity. it just feels weird having two lumps of fat hanging on your chest." i chuckled. "and i hate that i just think of this as a big problem."
"wait, so you said that this feeling started last night correct?" she asked once more. "what did you do last night before this occurred?"
well this is going to be awkward... i thought to myself. "i uh...took off my shirt and tried to sleep half naked because it was fucking hot last night—sorry i cussed."
"then you just started to feel weird having breasts out of the blue?"
"well i covered myself in a blanket because i felt too exposed and my nips were you know...up so i just pressed them with a blanket because it feels weird." i grimaced at my own explanation. "and then i uh did the...did the..."
"yes?" kelly rose an eyebrow.
i pursed my lips and started to fidget my hands. "beat the meat?"
"oh." she placed her palm on her head. i tend see my sexual pleasures as normal because i never really get disturbed or aroused by the idea of it, but it's sometimes hard to talk about it to someone openly since it is obviously sexual and inappropriate.
"sorry i didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or–"
"no no, it's okay! you have nothing to be ashamed of, that's what therapy is for." kelly sipped on her coffee once more. "how old are you again?"
"17, turning 18 this month." i responded.
"ah yes of course, i understand. teens your age tend to "beat their meat" so it's totally normal." kelly cleared her throat.
"yes i am fully aware of that fact." i muttered.
"anyways going back, you did say to me on our last sessions that you would try to feel something by doing—well that..." she said as she took a notebook from her drawers. "and since you tried to press your nipples because they're up which probably led you to feeling really gross, there's actually a name for that."
my eyes widened. "what?"
"yep, it's called sad nipple syndrome." she smiled. "commonly mothers who breastfeed their babies experience this, but of course that doesn't mean you're pregnant or anything. it's completely normal." she assured.
"where did that even came from?" i questioned.
"its causes are unknown. to be quite honest, it's an interesting thing to learn more about." kelly said. "my theory would be the reason why you're feeling so disgusted by your breasts is because you experienced the nip syndrome that night and masturbation usually leads us to question ourselves afterwards so that has possibly made the feeling of it more heavier."
"that does make a lot of sense." i nod in response. "will the guilt ever go away though?"
"yes of course it will." kelly chuckled. "you could treat it like what you would do whenever you feel ugly."
i looked down on my feet. "so like, jokingly compliment myself to the mirror until i start to mean it?" kelly nodded in reply.
"you could also let your friends comfort you." she added. "seems to me you're very busy this month."
i started to laugh. "yeah, it's been a quick october for me to be honest." as i started to feel comfortable from my seat, i crossed my legs then tried to think of something to say. "my friends and i have been kind of busy for the talent show coming this week so it's been kind of stressful for us lately. our two managers are also missing in action at the moment which is making my blood boil."
"oh i can't wait to see you and your band perform in plainview theater. if it helps, i'm pretty sure the juliettes will do great." kelly said, patting my shoulder. "i just listened to one of your covers the other night on the internet and wow, your friends and your sister must be so proud of you for knowing how to sing and play an instrument at the same time! i can't even sing and play the guitar simultaneously." she shook her head.
"speaking of friends," i bit my lip, trying not to smile. "i met someone."
kelly grinned. "really?"
"mhm." i nodded. "there's this guy named tim, he sticked with me since day one i believe. so far, our relationship with each other is great honestly! except the fact he likes to tease me with this one guy lately."
while kelly was talking, i looked behind her i window then saw mr heffley's car pass by. man, i hope they took rodrick and his brother home.
"nora," kelly called, making me snap out of my thoughts. "you okay?"
i scratched my head as i sat straight on my chair. "uh yeah, i just thought about something. sorry."
"so tell me, who is this rodrick person?" she rests her head on her hand, grinning at me.
"wha–" i laughed. "wait, did i blurt that out loud?"
"i don't know, did you?" she joked which made me roll my eyes.
"he's the guy i was referring to." i bit my lip as i tried to think of what to say. "timothy thinks i like this dude named rodrick since this rodrick wants me to be his friend after years of knowing him since i started studying in westmore. actually, i was about to ask you about him after that."
"oh?" kelly's eyes widened, fixing the papers on her table. "well go ahead, what about him?"
"well so long story short, rodrick invited me to his party and kind of got along as the days went by blah blah blah..." i flailed both of my hands. "so this guy took me out and we had fun and he told me about how he is getting along with his brother now and he seemed so happy about it. then he and i saw each other just a while ago and he looked...sad. like, he acted so different all of a sudden. i asked if he was okay but it's almost like he's lying."
"did you ask why he was acting differently?"
"i tried, kelly. he just denies it though." i shook my head. "i hate to admit it but i am actually a bit worried for him. he's a total ass, i don't know why i suddenly grew on him. i'm being clingy again, am i?"
"how? it's impossible for you to not know why you don't know why you're growing on rodrick." kelly added. "what and how is your relationship with this rodrick?"
"i think he sees me as a friend, i only see him as an acquaintance." i shrugged. kelly laughed at me as she shook her head.
"right." she sighed. "you see nora, acquaintances shouldn't usually care for each other. if you call someone your acquaintance, that means you just know them."
"...so he is my friend?" i questioned, trying to let kelly's words sink in.
"that's for you to find out." kelly smirked then leaned back to her seat.
well she does have a point. maybe i'll just have to set aside half of the hatred i have for rodrick and give him a chance, for real this time.
"why is that? do you have any issues with rodrick?"
"nope, i'm good!" i stood up from my chair then took my bag. "that's all i want to talk about for today, thanks for helping. for real this time, i'm going to our sessions." i rushed out the door before kelly even started saying a thing.
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