CJ DID IN FACT, NOT help me rectify it.
In order to prove to (myself, mostly, as well as) The Stranger Boy that I was not avoiding Sweet Cube because of him, I decided to study there for the day instead of going to the library. The chances of running into someone (read: Colin) were higher since I was in what people would call a public place, but I didn't mind much. I'd killed whatever we could've had before it even started. If he saw me, he'd probably just ignore me.
Since I prided myself in being economical, I opted to kill two birds with one stone. But because I was nothing like the regular economical human, I sat at one of the round tables, nibbling on a honey biscuit and chattering away with Atalia, hence, killing about five birds with the same stone.
Talia, as she said I should call her, pushed two printing papers towards me and quirked up her lips. "Let's see what you know," she said in what sounded very much like a taunting voice. "You understand the evolution theory?"
I locked eyes with her and snatched the notes off the table, barely looking away to glance at them. It was starting to feel like this girl took every opportunity she had to insult me.
"Of course, I understand the evolution theory. Do I look like a middle schooler to you?"
She snorted and leaned back. "Lenny, I really don't think you want me to answer that." She shuffled through the papers scattered all over the table and handed me a bunch of them held together with a paper clip. "I made photocopies of the notes we got that day. They were a lot, so I figured, why not just make copies?"
I was taken aback, and it showed. "Oh. Thank you," I told her, cautiously reaching over to collect said notes. "How much did it cost to make copies?"
She flicked her wrist at me. "Nevermind that. Like I said, I wanted to do something nice."
While Talia returned to her notes, I busied myself with the worksheet she'd so helpfully given me, but mentally, I couldn't focus. My coming here was starting to seem to me like a waste of time. So what if I got valuable study time in? What good did that do if I couldn't even get the words to stay up in my brain where they belonged?
Things had not been going too well for me. On one hand, there was the new home situation I tried not to think too hard about. It worked good so far, since I wasn't home and therefore had no reason to care, but at the same time, I couldn't shake the little voice that kept nagging at me to do something about it.
On the other hand, I was probably failing my classes, and even better, CJ was mad at me. I had zero friends, and I hadn't had enough free time to sneak away to the pool recently. So, yeah. It'd all been piling up, and I was sick of the stress.
"We don't have to submit these, do we?" I asked. The worksheet was overflowing with smartass questions I could only ever dream of answering correctly. It wasn't that I was "stupid"-I remember sitting through several lessons on the topics before me, but the problem was recalling those lessons when necessary.
Talia arched a brow. "Technically, we are supposed to, but they aren't important. They're not going to be graded, so you don't necessarily have to, I guess," she told me. "It depends on the person. And no, I don't plan on turning mine in either."
Her words, more specifically, the last ones, shooed away all my worry. If a smarty-pants like her wasn't going to turn in an assignment, why did I need to?
"Wait. Are you just saying that to trick me into not doing it?"
She frowned. "No, of course not. Why would I do that?"
I threw my hands up. "I don't know, probably because you're one of those smartasses who want to be at the top of anything so you'll sabotage us ... underachievers."
Talia sat straighter, watching me with keen eyes. I'd probably said too much, but I couldn't blame myself. I didn't want to be here having tasteless coffee with an uptight black girl. What I wanted was for CJ to be not mad at me and for Leah to pull one of her surprises and show up at my dorm, or for August to apologize for everything he'd done, or for Colin to fucking tell me he didn't hate me for what I said to him.
"You know what, nevermind. This is on me. I'm overreacting. I'm in the wrong state of mind. I shouldn't be here. I'm leaving." I grabbed a handful of paper and folded it in two, then shoved it inside my bookbag, muttering under my breath.
This was what it was like to lose it, I thought. To want everything and nothing at all. Maybe I should drop out. It's only been a few months ... I could come back next year?
A sigh passed my lips. My bag was in my lap, waiting for me to fill it with more school related paperwork. I propped my head up on my hands, fingers tangled in my hair, the poster picture of frustration, and for what? A stupid degree?
"Lenny?"
I didn't answer. I was too focused on keeping my breathing even. I was too focused on actually breathing. My head was swarmed with thoughts, and I didn't know what to do. What hurt most about this was that August always knew what to do. That was the problem. He was too good to me, too, too good, that I didn't see his faults.
So I found myself thinking, what would August do?
"Lenny!"
"What?" I bit back through gritted teeth, frowning so hard I thought my facial muscles would freeze in that position forever. "What is it?"
Talia shrugged. "You're being weird. Is it the coffee?" She peered into my cup of cold foam. "Is it me?"
Slowly, I raised my head to meet her eyes. Some might say I did it to add to the drama, but I really did it because a headache was starting to form somewhere up there, and I didn't want to accidentally cause it to spread more rapidly with any jolting movements. I could only handle so much.
"No. It's not you."
• • •
YESTERDAY WAS EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTING, AND CJ was in fact, still mad at me even though it should have very well been the other way around, but what can I say? I'm very forgiving, unlike the hard-ass I happen to share my living space with.
In other news, I was completely swamped with schoolwork, and that was why I was at the pool in nothing but a pair of old loose shorts and a white satin jacket with a two-piece underneath. I was aware of just how cold nights could get, but maybe I didn't care so much about having my ass freeze off. Maybe I didn't care so much about anything at all.
My carry-on hit the ground with a soft thud. I lowered myself onto the ground next to it, using it as a headrest for the time being. Once again, I'd successfully snuck into the pool after hours, and once again, the feeling of excitement (read: adrenaline rush) had evaded me. I needed a new challenge. I needed to try out again. I needed to test myself. I needed to do something drastic.
But that's the thing about college. Despite all the freedom, there was barely anything particularly drastic to do. Everything else could either get you in trouble, expelled, or arrested, and I was not looking to get the boot. No, not yet. Eventually, when I had cemented my legacy here, most preferably in this particular spot.
Piper would suggest an orgy.
Cold began to seep into my bones, so I rolled off my carry-on and slowly got to my feet, movements groggy. Everything about me spelled out exhaustion, and I couldn't tell why. I'd slacked off way more in recent times, so it didn't add up. The most strenuous thing I'd done within the past week was visit Sweet Cube with Talia.
Using my cellphone for light, I found a light switch and flipped it on. A single light came to life, illuminating the space so much that I had to briefly shield my eyes, followed by rapid blinking as I slowly adjusted to the burst of light.
What did I know so far? I was here, I was tired, and I wanted ... something. I didn't know what.
I thought this would be enough to make me feel like myself again, but all it did was make me even more homesick. I dragged myself over to the pool's edge, sat down with my legs plunged into the cold water, my phone resting in my lap, nothing more than a single movement away from falling into the water.
The screen lit up with a notification.
DO: Hi. Are you awake?
I closed it and set it aside, then shimmied out of my jacket, leaving my upper body mostly exposed. The maroon coloured bikini halter top I wore was probably not my best choice-nothing about tonight could be considered my best choice-but it was what I'd chosen, because I felt the need to feel pretty and maybe suffer a little bit.
Next I kicked out of my shorts. I needed something dry to wear after my therapeutic swim, and on any other night, I would have packed another pair of dry clothes. But tonight I'd been in such a hurry to get out of the dorm that I'd accidentally carried my bookbag, one that contained actual books and not my laptop, or something equally as unhelpful.
On second thought, maybe the universe wanted me to use this time to study. Too bad I wasn't on board with that.
If I thought the air was cold, then the water was fucking freezing. "What the hell was I thinking?" I muttered as I dove deeper into the water. It was amazing. The feeling of cool, crisp water against my skin was everything I needed. Nothing could top this. Nothing...
I shut my eyes and let my thoughts drift off. I was floating, just laying there motionless on the surface of a pool that smelled strongly of chlorine, and thinking about how closed off I'd become, and how it wasn't my fault. I shouldn't blame myself for it, since it had nothing to do with me, but who was there to blame? I was the one who ruined my relationship with August. I was the one who almost made an enemy out of CJ when we first met. I was the one who silently judged and shamed Piper for being ... Piper, for two good weeks. I was the one who wrote Carter off until he proved he wasn't who I'd stereotyped him as. I was the one who thought Talia was too good for me, which was a very stupid thought. I was the one who shut Colin off, despite initiating our first ever conversation myself and asking him out for an early dinner I couldn't even afford...
Christ, what was the matter with me?
My phone let out a series of vibrations. I listened to the sound, doing a mental count to see how long it would take before another message dropped.
I heard the sound of a door creaking. Footsteps followed, as did grunting. I almost glanced up, but I decided it wasn't worth it. Whoever it was, be it the Dean, the Vice Chancellor, or even the fucking Calvary, would have to out up with my presence and hopefully let me get away with trespassing.
After about a minute, the grunting stopped and all I heard was shuffling. That was when I got into a sort of standing position where I could comfortably watch what was happening. Once again, it was the boy from the library, but tonight, he wasn't wearing his usual smile. He looked quite the picture of don't fuck with me!
He shuffled out of an olive green windbreaker and let it fall to the ground behind him, eyes trained on me. So he knows he's not alone, then?
Mumbling under his breath, he took off his grey Crocs and sat at the edge of the pool, bare lower legs about halfway in the freezing water. Thankfully for him, he wore knee-length shorts. What a style clash. But then again, it's the middle of the night.
Finally he took his eyes off me and hung his head, running his hand through his hair multiple times, and sighing like his life depended on it. Then, he spoke.
"You ever feel like your life's falling apart and there's nothing you can do to fix it?"
"So you just sit back and watch from the sidelines?" I threw back. "Sometimes it feels like dissociating, but it could also be an omen." I swam over to him. "What's the matter?"
He looked up, shook his head. "I couldn't-"
"Why not? I asked. I want to know," I said. "Tell me. You'll feel better."
He blew out a breath. "You might think it's pretty juvenile for me to get so worked up over sometime so ... trivial."
I pursed my lips and inched closer, propping my elbows up on the tiles so that they were flanking him. "Well, if it bothers you so much that you're not even apologizing for running into me, then it's probably something serious." His breath hit my face and I swam backwards, creating the slightest bit of distance between us. What the hell was that? "I'm not going to judge you, and I'm not going to force you, either. But, if you think you're up to it, I'm all ears."
He let out a nervous chuckle. "Okay, this is going to sound very childish, but sometime last year, my dog fell sick. My dad and I took him to the vet. We were told he had cancer. What kind of cancer? The doctor couldn't say. After that, we started some sort of treatment. Every two months, we'd go in for a check-up, and honestly, Darius seemed to be getting better. Things were right again. I didn't have to worry about my dog's health, and I could go to college. Yay."
"Sorry to interrupt, but did you say your dog's name was-sorry, is-Darius?" I asked with wide eyes.
He furrowed his eyebrows. "Yeah, why?"
"Oh, it's nothing. I just thought that ... you know, I'd seen him somewhere before," I told him. "You can go on now."
The corners of his lips quirked up. "So, yeah. Right before the semester started, Darius got extremely lethargic, and I was so confused. He was apparently okay, so what was the problem? I guess that's the thing with unspecified cancer, I wouldn't know. I'm not a vet." He drew in a breath and exhaled loudly. "And now I'm here, miles away from home, and my dad and little sister are getting the worst of it, but I can't help but feel like none of them are as bothered about this as I am. You know, since he's mine, and I ... I'm probably being selfish."
I neared him again. "You're not being selfish, stranger," I whispered. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"
He smiled down at me, a pained smile. "I think that's enough for now."
Nodding, I took his hands in mine. "So, did you come here specifically hoping to find me?" My lips tugged up in a half smile. "Or are you going to cook up a story about how you're actually not the guy I've been talking to on iMeet Cute, and how you just felt the need to come here because of gravitational pull or something?"
He lifted a shoulder. "Both are plausible, both are true." Then he added, "Mostly."
We were silent for a huge chunk of time, me swimming in circles while he thought long and hard about what other things were bothering him. I wanted to help, I really did, but what could I do if he refused to even talk to me?
"I was at Sweet Cube yesterday," I said from the opposite end of the pool, breaking the silence. It was better this way, with twenty-five yards, give or take a few, separating us. "Do you not work on Thursdays?" I tilted my head to get a better look at him, even though it barely helped considering the distance.
He cleared his throat before speaking, his voice awfully hoarse when he eventually did. "I do work on Thursdays. Some Thursdays," he said. "I was there yesterday, but I didn't see you." He paused to take a breath. "You came in the morning?"
I shook my head.
"That's probably it." He shifted his weight, his back hunched over. "I worked the morning shift yesterday because I ... I had to ... fill in for someone. We exchanged shifts. That kind of thing." He said the words slowly, dragging each syllable on as though he were being made to talk. "You wanted to see me?"
"No," I answered quickly. He arched a brow at the suddenness of my response. "I wanted to try out the butterbeer contraption. It was quite the contraption." I added in a nervous chuckle.
When the silence returned, I broke it.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah. I feel great."
"Are you lying?"
"What do you think?"
"I think you're lying."
"I guess I am, then." His lips tugged up slightly.
"Will you tell me your name now?"
He stopped drumming his fingers on the edge of the pool and cocked his head to the side, eyebrows knitted together. "You still haven't figured it out?"
I frowned. "Figured it out? How was I supposed to figure it out?"
"The texts, Lenny." He bore a full smile now. "I wasn't trying to keep my identity a secret from you, or anything. I wanted you to know the guy you were talking to was me. I mean ... There was the conversation where you told me you were hanging out with friends at Dave and Busters-I swear, that was still a total accident. I was supposed to meet a friend there-and there's tonight. I texted you a few minutes before I showed up here."
Oh. "You thought I'd be here?"
"I hoped you would," was all he said.
I wanted to inquire further, but there were other questions to ask. "Would you have told me who you were if I wasn't here? If I didn't figure it out on my own?"
He looked slightly taken aback by my question, probably because he'd expected me to ask for his name instead.
"I would've. Eventually."
I nodded absentmindedly. "Okay. So, how does this work? You said I was supposed to figure it out?"
He hesitated, a line forming across his forehead. "Well, I don't see how you possibly could've when you couldn't even tell who it was-"
"Your bio literally said I have a sexy dog. What the hell does that? I didn't even know you had a dog."
"Right, all right. Fine." He breathed out a laugh. "My name is Nash, but you can call me Odin if you want. It's my last name-a family name-and I think it's less ... cringe than Nash," he told me. "I'm not the biggest fan of my first name."
"Why not? It's ... eccentric. Unique. Aesthetic, whatever that means." He laughed again. "But it's not cringe. Mine is." I bit down hard on my lip. "It's why I tell everyone to call me Lenny."
It was a half truth, but a truth nonetheless.
"Although I have to admit, Lenore does sound super fancy."
"It suits you. Lenny does, too. I guess we could call it paradoxical?"
I didn't think it was, but I played along. "Yeah, I guess we can." I looked to the nearest window. It was still dark out. "So, Nash, do you swim?"
"Not anymore."
"Wow," I said drily, "You're just so full of surprises, aren't you? Why don't you swim anymore?"
"I don't have the time."
"But you have a job?"
"That's different. I earn from it. Plus, I get to meet new people, it's flexible, and I don't necessarily have to live up to a certain standard. The stress that comes with being a student on an academic scholarship is hard enough to deal with. I couldn't fathom topping it off with sports," he explained. "It's not for me. I could never handle it."
I hugged my knees to my chest. "I totally get that. I wanted to join the swim team, but I didn't get in-which sucked, by the way-but now that I struggle to keep up with every course, I'm starting to think me not getting on the team was a blessing in disguise. I might try out again next semester, but first I need to get a job. My circle of friends, they really know how to treat themselves." It felt weird saying that, but in a good way. My circle of friends. Huh. Maybe I wasn't such a lost cause after all.
"I could help you get a job," he offered. "And you won't even have to break a sweat."
"Really?"
"Well," he paused, "it depends. Are a you a fast learner?"
"Depends on what I'm trying to learn."
He shrugged. "Good enough. Tell you what, I'll put in a good word for you with the manager, if you're willing to start working, say, anytime next month?"
"Seriously?" I couldn't hide my surprise, but I lowered my voice. "You'd do that? Free of charge?"
He brought a hand to his chin, tapping his index finger against it. "I never said I'd do it for 'free'."
"Oh, please. Even the best of us are still considered broke."
Nash-it felt so good to finally be able to say that name-stared out the window, pretending to be oblivious to my very obvious staring. "It's getting light out," he murmured. "We should go. I should go. You'll make it back okay?"
"I think I can manage."
I have a lot to say lmao.
First off, I didn't think people (black) actually got dark circles under their eyes. Also, would you prefer texts written out or in this form ?
Cutting out the nickname & the sender for privacy reasons aka to avoid spoilers. Also, did you like this chapter? I could've sworn I had a million questions I wanted to ask but I genuinely cannot remember shit right now.
Sorry I'm swearing, by the way. These author notes are beginning to look like rants.
Side note; it's Wattys season! Which is super cool! Because I want to enter this year! And I'm temporarily excited about it! (Are you entering? Do you know anyone who is? Comment their users (if they're okay with that) without tagging them, of course!).
See you next week, besties!
- angel ☆