November
Athena was glad by the time the colder months approached. The summer had simply exhausted itself. There had been nothing left of it to enjoy. Not that there was anything to enjoy in the first place.
The cold didn't make her feel as guilty for confining herself to her room whilst everyone else dived at the opportunity to breathe in the fresh air out on the grounds. Not that she gave much of a bother.
She preferred to be outside once the sun had swapped for the moon and the blanket of heavy darkness settled overhead. It brought a sort of tranquillity. Some peace and quiet in the constant tumult of her mind.
But the silence was temporary. So was the night.
After many nights that had passed since the end of September, she spent them rather differently in comparison to all those restless inconveniences. They were still restless, but less lonely.
On this night in particular, she found herself wading down the corridor of the Slytherin boys dormitories, heading in the direction of Theodore Nott's room.
This was not a new occurrence. There was nothing unfamiliar or frankly strange about it.
Over the months, the two of them had formed a sort of friendship. Purely platonic, dysfunctional to say the least—actually, it may have not even been friendship at all.
One night back in October, Maeve had urged Athena to go and spend time with them in the Astronomy Tower, "for old times sake," she'd said, encouragingly. Athena had been reluctant to the idea for weeks prior, but eventually she'd agreed and gave in.
They had to be more cautious of the noise they were making due to the Carrows, who always wandered the corridors of Hogwarts at night. It definitely complicated matters, but didn't stop the mass group of friends from having a good time.
Pansy had claimed the empty place in the group. Filled the void where the ghost of its last owner had seemed to linger.
They did as they always had done before the summer. Talked, drank, laughed (but less), smoked, sometimes danced depending on the mood of the group. It was fun, but only to an extent—for everyone.
There seemed to be this unspoken tension between each of them. Athena had a feeling she could pinpoint what it was. Her.
It was as if they picked and chose what to say, careful not to let the wrong thing slip out of their mouths. So much left in the unsaid that she probably needed to hear, but no one had dared to.
And the most frustrating part of it—the way they looked at her. This sickening sympathy that made her want to curl up and diminish into nothing. Always reminded her that she had something to feel sad about. That she couldn't turn off that part of her mind. Feeling.
It wasn't just them. It was everyone. Having the knowledge of what she went through before the summer meant treading lightly. Treating her in a different way. Everyone was considerate—overly cautious.
Except Theodore.
Unlike the others, he treated her like a person. Not this broken mess that could shatter at any moment. There was no obvious look of sympathy upon his countenance, no expression that made her feel alienated from normality. She could breathe around him, because he didn't care. He just let her be, and she could breathe.
Something had changed in Theo over the summer. It was difficult to miss when knowing how he had been. His usual cockiness was ever-present, but he was less outspoken. Less of a dick. And he was easy to be around.
He never asked her about Draco, never spoke to her about the things she didn't want to recollect. Never brought up the pain that she was drowning in.
They'd just sit together once the others had grown lethargic and returned to their dormitories. The two of them, sometimes sat in comfortable silence, sometimes smoking—a habit which Athena had recently taken up, or ranting to each other about random things. Occasionally, they'd stayed out until the sun had risen, when time had been lost on them.
They took advantage of each other's company.
He was the only person in Hogwarts that she genuinely liked to be around. But that was it. Nothing more than company.
They normally stayed in the Slytherin common room when they weren't in the Astronomy Tower, but on this particular night it was overrun with other students. Therefore, everyone was headed for Blaise and Theo's dormitory.
Athena hadn't walked down this corridor since that night before the summer. The last time she had stepped foot inside his room, and had been Portkeyed out of it.
She approached the door of the boys' room, forcing herself to not even let her eyes wander to the door opposite.
But as she raised her fist to knock on the heavy wooden door, drew back with just as much force, swallowed hard and found herself with her hand wrapped around the handle to Draco's old dormitory.
She didn't even take the time to consider whether the room had been replaced by another student before she pushed the door open. Luckily, it hadn't been occupied.
Her heart swelled at the familiar sight of his room. It was barer than it had been before, however there were packing boxes sprawled out across the stripped mattress of the bed. Inside each box, his things.
Books, potions, spare Slytherin ties, quills, parchment: things that had been abandoned by him that night. As she set her eyes upon them, she felt a sense of relation to them. Felt that she should've been neatly packed away into one of these boxes.
She glanced over to the open wardrobe, finding nothing left within. Just a few hangers that were bare from their function.
As she scanned the room, a despairing nostalgia overtook her being, that made her want to sink to her knees and outpour. But she just stared at the vacant walls, letting the bittersweet memories, the painful familiarity and the overwhelming sense of abandonment consume her.
A tapping on the door behind her jolted her out of her trance. In the doorway, Theo materialised, wearing a curious expression.
"What are you doing in here, Greene?" he asked, his tone light.
"Oh—um—"
"Only joking, you don't have to answer," he grinned, strolling into the room, hands in his pockets. "Ah, yes. Zabini and I were sorting Malfoy's shit away. The git left it all behind."
She said nothing, only staring at the boxes.
"You coming then or what?"
She nodded mechanically, shutting the door behind her without taking another look inside the room.
The others were already fuelled up on firewhiskey and cigarettes—Maeve sat on the floor with her back against the wall, Blaise sprawled across his bed, Pansy with her head on Luna's lap while she played with her hair, both on the couch in the room.
Theo led her into the room, passing her a bottle of firewhiskey. She took herself to sit beside Maeve, slipping her back down the wall. Maeve passed her the cigarette she held between her fingers, but Athena shunned it away, shaking her head and squeezing her eyes shut.
"How are things?" Maeve asked a moment later, quietly in order to not peak the interest of anyone else.
"Things are—" she started. "Things are the same as ever."
"Not good then?"
Athena shook her head, absentmindedly settling her vision on Pansy and Luna. The two were smiling sweetly at each other, sharing words between them that only they could hear, while Luna's thumb affectionately caressed Pansy's cheek. Both in love. Both happy.
Athena looked away, a painful pang in her chest when Luna leaned over to kiss Pansy.
Maeve sucked at her cigarette, releasing a short burst of smoke that escaped through her lips.
"Can I ask—" she began. "Are you and Nott...?"
She gave Athena a pointed look, implying an obvious question that she had been anticipating ever since she and Theo started hanging out.
"No. God no, nothing like that," she replied, defensiveness in her tone.
"Ok, ok. I was just curious," she chuckled. "You know, it's okay if you are. I'm seriously not one to judge."
"Well I'm not. Theo and I are just—" she paused, considering the word for their relationship. However, she couldn't conclude and answer quick enough.
"Friends?" Maeve smirked, an unconvinced expression upon her face.
Athena scoffed, nudging her shoulder into Maeve's. "Piss off, " she chuckled.
"Anyway what happened? I thought you didn't like him."
"I didn't," Athena replied. "But things are different now. People are different. Haven't you noticed?"
"'Course I have," she sighed, moving her attention to focus on Blaise.
Athena followed her gaze, looking between the two of them.
Ever since they got back after summer, Blaise and Maeve hadn't been quite as close as they had been before. There was clearly something going on between them, but it went unspoken. Along with everything else.
"What happened between you two?" Athena asked, snapping Maeve out of her longing gaze.
"Nothing really," she replied. "Just ever since we got back, he's been distant. Colder. I mean I can't blame him. Everyone's the same. But I don't know what to do—how to get through to him. I'm not good with shit like this. Never have been."
Blaise and Theo seemed to be in a tense discussion, however all voices were drowned out by the music playing.
"You love him, don't you?"
Maeve nodded, now seeming guilty.
"Just remind him of that. He's here. You have him and he has you. Take advantage of it," she advised, a discreet bitterness writhing within her.
"You're right. In other words, 'Maeve, get a grip and stop being so afraid of showing affection'," she chuckled, half heartedly, before taking a swig of her drink and standing from the floor, a wobble in her step.
Maeve went over to the boys and leant down to whisper something in Blaise's ear. In response, Blaise nodded and the two of them left the room, muttering a goodnight to everyone.
As the night continued, Athena gradually made her way through the stash of firewhiskey. She'd lost count on how many she'd indulged, but kept going until her throat went aflame, her chest writhed with the heat and her head was above the clouds. That's how it usually went.
"Any more, Greene?" Theo asked, holding out a bottle.
She shook her head, her eyes unable to focus on one single point.
"Are you trying to give her alcohol poisoning?" Pansy chuckled.
"Rubbish. This stuff isn't like that muggle crap," he scoffed, taking a long gulp of his drink.
"And have you ever actually tried that muggle stuff?" she questioned, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, I have actually. My Dad kept a stash. The lads and I used to steal it. It's proper shit compared to firewhiskey or the mead we have. No wonder muggles are never satisfied."
"And how would you know that?" Luna perked up. "Do you actually know any muggles, Theodore?"
He thought about it for a moment, before hesitantly shaking his head. "Don't need to know any. It's common sense isn' it. I mean our drinks are made specially by house elves, and fuck me do they do a good job of it."
His eyes settled upon the bottle in his hand, an admirable look upon his face, as if he wanted to kiss it.
"Right, we're gonna go," Pansy said, slinging her arm around Luna's waist.
"See you later," Luna smiled back at them as they exited the room.
Athena let her head collapse against the wall, exhaustion overtaking her.
Theo stood up and moved about the room, picking up bottles and tossing them into the bin. He approached Athena and picked up the several empty bottles that surrounded her. He stalled when she let out an abrupt laugh.
"What?" he quirked a brow, tossing the bottles away.
"They all think we're sleep-ing together," she hiccupped, finding what she said hilarious.
He raised his brows, taken aback.
"I mean it would seem so. We do spend quite a lot of time together these days," he clarified.
"Everything's just about sex, isn't it. The mere thought that we could just be friends is impossible," she sighed.
"Are we friends?" he smirked. "Never thought you actually liked me."
"I'd say so. And I didn't. I mean you did assault me," she snorted, watching his face drop.
"Fuck—I'm really sorry about that," he cringed, uncomfortably rubbing the back of his neck in strain. "I'm a prick."
She nodded, still laughing.
He then moved and slipped down the wall to sit beside her.
"What changed?" she asked.
"Not sure. Guess I did. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I was just—"
He cut himself off.
"What?"
"Jealous," he smirked, now facing her. "It's pathetic really. I craved attention. And you were there. Malfoy's new toy."
She flinched noticeably as soon as the words left his mouth.
"Shit—sorry. It's just—that's what I thought then. Before I got to know you."
She could sense the direction this conversation was taking and sought to prevent it.
Athena let her head rest on Theo's shoulder, silencing him. It was peaceful for a moment, until she suddenly caught a certain scent. A scent that made her insides recoil while simultaneously enlightening her soul.
She smothered her nose into Theo's shirt, submerging in the familiar mahogany bliss that managed to make her heart still.
"What is that—?" she straightened, abruptly. "That scent. What are you wearing?"
He looked bashfully confused, but replied regardless. "My cologne? I found it in Malfoy's room when we were sorting through his stuff. The knob left it behind. I mean as expensive as this stuff is, couldn't just let it go to waste. Smells decent, doesn't it"
A prideful smirk crawled upon his face, but this did far from appealing to her satisfaction.
"You can't just—just take stuff. That's not—you shouldn't—"
"Calm down," he chuckled. "I'm sure he has another ten at home."
She twisted her mouth, feeling defensive.
"It's not right."
"Christ, alright, I'll shove it back into one of those boxes if it means that much to you," he laughed, his tone light. "Or perhaps you want it?"
"Ok," was all she said.
"I don't mind you know," he said after a moment.
"What?"
"That you use me."
She didn't try to deny it. It was somewhat the truth.
"If it's what you need—after what happened that night, with Diggory and all. If I'm that person, so be it."
"You're kind," she said, letting her head rest on his shoulder again.
Whether it was the lingering scent of Draco's cologne or the fuzziness of her head or simply the comfort of another that determined her next actions, was unclear. A combination of all.
She tilted her head upwards, staring into his face vacantly, feeling nothing. Aisled by exhaustion, she leaned further into him and let her eyes restively settle upon his.
She was falling into the mistake of trying to feel something.
"Use me," he whispered, closing in on her lips, the mahogany invading her senses.
But as their lips brushed together, his didn't mould hers perfectly. His kiss didn't make her heart flutter and clench simultaneously. And when she opened her eyes, it hurt her to see that it was not Draco's face.
"No—" she thrust her arms weakly against his shoulders. "No, I'm sorry, I can't."
He creased his brows, his eyes drooping as if he was half asleep, but they suddenly widened when he took in her expression.
"It's him, right?" he exhaled, his body still relaxed. "Even though he's not here. Even though he left you."
That hurt.
"Please—don't," she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to clear her head of the intoxication.
"I like you, you know."
That. That was what she had feared. Feelings getting involved. She didn't want to feel, or him to feel anything for her.
"Theo—"
"No, I know. You don't have to tell me again," he scoffed.
"Can't you just be my mate? That's what I like about you, Theo. That's why I like being around you—because you don't make me feel like I have to—like I have to feel. Please don't make me now."
Her words stunned him into temporary silence.
"Fine," he said after a moment, firming his lips into a line.
An uncomfortable air surrounded them for a few prolonged minutes, before she sighed and emerged to her feet.
"I'll leave you," she said in a quiet voice.
"Don't be daft. You don't have to go. Look, you haven't even finished your drink," he grinned, his usual humour coming to light again.
She dithered on her heels for a moment, unsure what to do. But when Theo picked up her bottle and gestured her to take it, she sunk onto the floor beside him again.
"It's funny to think that us lot assumed you two were only shagging. Clearly not by the looks of it," he chuckled, taking a swig of firewhiskey.
She let out a sharp breath through her nose, something between a scoff and a laugh.
"He's not doing well," he said.
She snapped her head to look at him directly.
"How—how do you know that?"
"He's written to me. Only three times since the summer. Never says much. I know it may not seem like it to you, but Malfoy and I are like brothers. We fight like brothers anyway," he laughed. "But yeah, I mean with the shit they're having him do, I'm surprised he hasn't taken the easy way out."
"What are they making him do?" she asked, suddenly alert.
He laughed again, shaking his head.
"Trust me when I say you don't wanna know."
"Theo, please. I need to know."
He looked at her wearily, probably wishing he had never mentioned it.
"Muggle-born torture," he said, appearing emotionless as the words escaped him.
She winced aloud, her heart crippled, feeling herself pale entirely, a sudden nausea overriding her. She had expected bad, but not that bad.
"He doesn't wanna do it obviously. Just has to—if he wants to keep his life."
She couldn't imagine it. Didn't want to. In her mind, Draco would never do such a thing, even if he was forced to. The Draco that had held her close as night didn't seem capable of it.
"He mentioned you once actually," he added. "Can't remember what it was though."
"Really? Let me see," she pressed.
His brow arched.
"Don't you think if he isn't writing to you himself, there's probably a reason?"
Of course there was a reason. This will be the last you hear from me.
"Theo," she pursed her lips together, almost warningly.
He threw his hands up in front of him and chuckled, "Fine, fine. I'll try find them."
She waited while he scurried about his room, sweeping through draws, peeking into boxes and was unsuccessful in his hunt until he found them in a bag. He flicked them up in his hand with a side smirk, all the letters back in their envelopes.
"I don't know which one mentions you, but here," he said, passing her the three envelopes.
She didn't hesitate to lift the already unsealed wax—the Malfoy crest engraved starkly within the deep crimson.
She drew in a breath, and held it as she read through each one.
3rd September 1997
Nott,
You asked me to keep you updated. I don't know what you wanna know except the same old shit. I'm fucking bored to tell the truth, and I can't sleep. The night escapes me now. In your letter, you asked if I was coming back. The answer is no. I can never come back.
24th October 1997
Nott,
I heard about Hogwarts. Snape's headmaster, sounds fucking blissful. For Slytherin anyway. Hope your days are going better than mine. I wanna get out of this fucking place. The Manor has become a prison. My own personal hell. Do me a favour and look out for Athena for me. Don't be a twat.
17th November 1997
Nott,
Everything's fucked. The shit they're making me do, I feel sick just thinking about it. It's that thing you always joked about, as if I'd ever actually have to do it. Right. These people are really that low, that cruel. Sick fucks. The lot of them. I'm really considering ending it all these days.
She obsessively read through each of them several times over, a chilling silence hanging in the air.
Theo just waited idly, watching her with an apprehensive look on his face.
A great cloud of despair drowned her, rained and poured until she could feel nothing else. Nothing else, but the sea of sadness that was her soul.
She couldn't stop the tears from breaking their way through. Didn't want to cry, especially not in front of anyone—in front of Theo. But she couldn't hold it back.
She gasped, and sobbed, scrunching the letters in her palm and holding them to her chest. Falling into Theo as he caught her when her knees buckled.
He let her cry onto him for quite a while, until she calmed down and all that remained were the tremors of her chest every now and then.
"Bloody hell. He really did a number on you, didn't he," he sighed, rubbing her shoulder in consolation.
She said nothing.
-
fifty sixth chapter complete.
deprezzing